Husband is completely irresponsible with money

[vabaseballmom]

OK, so i am totally at my wit's end and i dont know what to do.This is my 2nd marriage, so quick frame of reference, I have 2 kids, 12 & 14, from first marriage and husband and i have an almost 3 yo. Married almost 4 years. I am finding it impossible to get my husband to keep to a budget. we talk about it all the time and he agrees that we need to stick to one, yet every week it's the same thing. He takes money out of the ATM (not just a little) without saying anything. I manage all of the bills, so when he does this he has n o idea what is pending to clear the bank. In the past 5 days (after just last week we had a discussion about no more cash withdrawals and he agreed) he made 3 ATM with drawals, one for $200, one for $60 and one for $80, plus he spent $200 at Hooter's, plus on his past paycheck his company withheld $600 for gas, so now we are $1200 off our budget in just a week. I have no idea where all the money is going. We make decent money and have money in savings, but i should not be taking money from savings every month to cover the monthly bills. To make matters worse, he will go in my purse when i am sleeping or downstairs and go take the money out and won't say anything until i see it on the bank transactions, then apologizes and says he will stop.

 

I guess i am asking if anyone has any suggestions as to a better way to get him on budget and with all of the cash withdrawals (no joke its been almost $10k over the past year) what is the money really being spent on? I have asked if her is doing drugs or gambling and of course he says no, but i am seriously concerned at this point.

 

if i did not give enough information please just ask me questions

[CarrieT]

Have three accounts; one for household and bills (that he can't touch), one for you, and one for him for whatever he is spending it on.

 

However the fact that you don't know where it goes should be a red flag; drugs? Prostitutes?

[vabaseballmom]

i have brought up that idea, but i don't know it if i can trust him to not run out of his money and then start hitting the household bill account

[OMC]

Set the household acct in your name and not give him an ATM card to access it.

[understand50]

Have three accounts; one for household and bills (that he can't touch), one for you, and one for him for whatever he is spending it on.

 

However the fact that you don't know where it goes should be a red flag; drugs? Prostitutes?

 

vabaseballmom,

 

What is going on is Financial infidelity, and it will destroy your marriage faster then sexual infidelity. Many of the same things used in sexual infidelity can be used here.

 

1) No secrete spending of any type.

 

2) Full honesty and remorse of what he is doing.

 

3) limit the funds available to him by agreement.

 

CarrieT advise is good. I would keep the main banking account for bills only. All funds would go there via direct deposit. I would then check out the following product from American Express. It is free to use, and you both can have your "own" accounts. You can move money to each account easily, and keep track of balances. My wife and I use this ourselves, and have found it really good. You do not have to get two, but you could get one, and then set up a "card" for him and send the money that way. He can use it a ATM's if he prefers cash. Check it out. No use getting 3 bank account and having to spend $200 a month for them. There are others, but this is the one I know of.

 

https://www.bluebird.com

 

Now getting him to agree and hold to this is going to be the problem. You may have to threaten to divorce him over this. This may have to agreed to over MC. You should also have a meeting once a month so he understand the cash flow and the bills that need to be paid out each month. My wife was clueless on how much money we spent each month on just the house, food, gas and so fourth. She always underestimated by a factor of $1000.

 

Now the really hard part. In Financial infidelity, there is good odds that something else is going on. Drugs, gaming, or sexual infidelity. You need to investigate that is is not the case, but be open to the fact that it is happening. Again CarrieT is right, this is a big red flag and you need to check it out. Does not mean this is happening, you just need to consider the possibility.

 

I would say, if he agrees to the 3 account system, the Drugs, gaming, or sexual infidelity, odds are not going on. If he fights you on setting this up, then it is another red flag. Please keep posting, and I hope CarrieT and I have helped.

 

I wish you luck

[beach]

He's lying (by saying he will stick to the budget - but spending on things you don't know about) and disrespecting you every time he takes money without telling you.

 

 

Are you sure you wish to live life this way?

 

 

I loved that way for 23 years with my exH and every day it hurt me how much he was lying and disrespecting me.

 

I found out what was so important that he would spend money on without me knowing - he was cheating.

 

Yours may or may not be cheating - but you may wish to find out what that amount of money goes toward.

 

 

Does he do drugs? Is it spent on a woman or women? That's no small amount - find out what he's doing. Have you looked at his phone? A gps on his car? A VAR in his car while he drives might give you some clues.

 

What info do you plan to uncover?

 

I'd be flaming mad if my H agreed to a budget then spent that kind of money in the week that followed.

 

 

If he wants to act single and be accountable to no one except himself - then why is he married?

[vabaseballmom]

i know he drinks too much, we just discussed this and he says he is going to stop (we shall see)

 

I have not looked at his phone but i have looked at the call log and text log online and have compared numbers to see who he is communicating with.

 

Drugs? I don't know. no classic signs of use of anything like pot/coke/meth etc. could be prescription drug abuse.

 

GPS on car would most likely be useless, he drives A LOT for work.

 

I have told him the same thing, if he wants to act single we need to not be married, kids and family come first.

 

I did change the PIN number on the card today so he can't just take cash out.

[beach]

i know he drinks too much, we just discussed this and he says he is going to stop (we shall see)

 

I have not looked at his phone but i have looked at the call log and text log online and have compared numbers to see who he is communicating with.

 

Drugs? I don't know. no classic signs of use of anything like pot/coke/meth etc. could be prescription drug abuse.

 

GPS on car would most likely be useless, he drives A LOT for work.

 

I have told him the same thing, if he wants to act single we need to not be married, kids and family come first.

 

I did change the PIN number on the card today so he can't just take cash out.

 

You can't make him change. It's you - that needs to make a decision and take action towards that goal.

 

Changing that pin - it will make him angry. What will you do when he is angry? What will you do when he realizes he can't get money out but walks into the bank and withdraws money?

 

Your dealing with a man child. He will throw a temper tantrum like a two year old. What then?

 

And he's promised not to drink? That's another empty promise if he hasn't taken action on his words... Much the same as the money.

 

Do you intend to raise him as a spoiled child right along with your other toddler?

 

He's acting like a baby. My gut says he has more to hide than you're aware of.

 

Start finding out what's so important that he chooses to take that much money over caring and nurturing his home life.

[vabaseballmom]

Thank you. i will look into the bluebird thing, the thought of managing more bank accounts was a little stressful. I personally rarely take cash out because its so hard to track and only do it when necessary. I have felt that he is hiding something by taking cash. if you can't track it there is a problem in my mind.

 

I don't think it's another woman, but i could be wrong. if there is something going on i would guess gambling or prescription drugs.

 

he too has no clue what the bills run. i printed out a spreadsheet for him last week and what he was surprised at what the bills actually were, he thought they were about 1500 less.

 

I had originally told him maybe we should keep separate accounts and divide who pays what and he seemed ok with that, but then we go back to what happens when all his money is gone and the bills are not paid. i like the idea of the card you suggested

[beach]

Seems like his money is his money and your money is for him to dip into when he runs out.

 

 

He's aware now of what it takes to run the household - but he's showing that something is more important than running the house.

 

Find out what that is.

[vabaseballmom]

Trust me i know i can't make him change. he was the one who came to me and said he has a drinking problem and wants to stop, but its only been a few days, so not much to go on.

 

He won't get angry about the PIN change, that's not how he is and he can't go into a branch and take a counter withdrawal since there is a password there (due to the fact that my purse was stolen last year and the bank let the person come in with my ID and then gave them my new acct #).

 

I have no intention of letting him act like a spoiled child, at least any longer, and i can admit that i can be passive at times and give in to make things easier. If he flips out that he can't access cash, i have my answer that something else is going on, just not sure how to pinpoint what it is.

[vabaseballmom]

any ideas on how to track what he is doing? i don't know how to get copies of texts and if i check his phone i won't see anything if he has deleted it. I obviously can't follow him, so any ideas are welcome

[beach]

Ideas on how to pinpoint what it is have been suggested. Do you plan to investigate further?

 

Have you looked through his phone? How about a VAR in his car? A GPS tracker would show where he is or where he's been. How about he brings receipts for everything he's paying cash for?

 

He's acting like a child - I suppose he can get accountable for his spending like a child. He knows he's being sneaky - find out what he's being sneaky about.

 

What info are you willing to look at?

[vabaseballmom]

Ideas on how to pinpoint what it is have been suggested. Do you plan to investigate further?

 

Have you looked through his phone? How about a VAR in his car? A GPS tracker would show where he is or where he's been. How about he brings receipts for everything he's paying cash for?

 

He's acting like a child - I suppose he can get accountable for his spending like a child. He knows he's being sneaky - find out what he's being sneaky about.

 

What info are you willing to look at?

 

what is a VAR?

 

I have no problem asking for receipts.

 

And i have no problem facing any info. i have no desire to stick my head in the sand. i have 3 kids that are worth more than that

[understand50]

Thank you. i will look into the bluebird thing, the thought of managing more bank accounts was a little stressful. I personally rarely take cash out because its so hard to track and only do it when necessary. I have felt that he is hiding something by taking cash. if you can't track it there is a problem in my mind.

 

Look at it this way. By having control and getting the bills paid, would your life not be stressful? You really would only be managing one, as yours cold be the X-mas account, or you can treat it like savings. Money sent to his, would be his spending fund. I do not think it would be much managing, but the less stress, in knowing you can meet the bills each month. Just a thought.

 

Wish you luck.

[vabaseballmom]

no, i meant, having 3 separate checking accts to track would be a nightmare. i like the idea of the bluebird acct, seems much easier and a lot less fuss!

[beach]

what is a VAR?

 

I have no problem asking for receipts.

 

And i have no problem facing any info. i have no desire to stick my head in the sand. i have 3 kids that are worth more than that

 

VAR = voice activated recorder.

 

It records a voice when words are spoken.

 

Some are designed to look like a pen. It can be attached with Velcro to the steering column of his car or under the seat.

 

Then you retrieve it and find out what is recorded.

[vabaseballmom]

awesome, thank you! I has tried googling it and that is totally not what it came back with hence the reason i was not sure what it was

[Mr. Lucky]

plus he spent $200 at Hooter's

 

Haven't been to Hooters in a while but I seem to remember a dozen chicken wings being $10 and a Bud was $3. If he's spending $200 there, he's buying more than poultry and beer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kendahke]

When did he start doing this?

 

Time for you to separate your bank accounts so that you're not incurring penalties and you know where your money is.

[vabaseballmom]

its been going on too long honestly. but it has gotten worse in the past year or so, when i put his name on my bank account so we could buy a house

[Davey L]

I've had the same thing with my wife. In her case it went on shoes she never wears, new phone, DVDs and stuff. I truly think she would still be buying crap like that while the house was being repossessed by the bank if I let her.

 

I recommend separate accounts. I give her a monthly allowance but the bulk of the money stays in my account and I pay the essential bills, mortgage payments and taxes.

 

In a way it's not a bad thing to have different attitudes to money even if it creates a bit of tension. If my wife had my attitude we'd end up a miserable pair of misers living in poverty with a million in the bank. If we were both like my wife we'd be bankrupt. As we are we compensate for each other nicely.

[autumnnight]

its been going on too long honestly. but it has gotten worse in the past year or so, when i put his name on my bank account so we could buy a house

 

Oh my...big red flag.

 

I agree that this is financial infidelity, whether there is other infidelity attached or not.

 

I've never heard of the bluebird thing, but it sounds promising.

[Lois_Griffin]

How do you spend $200 at Hooters - unless you took 3 or 4 other people WITH you who are glomming onto you for free food and booze?

 

 

Sorry you're stuck with an irresponsible man-child with a drinking problem. Ugh.

[carhill]

Hooters - One can put a big tip on the credit card, which of course would show on the paper receipt but not on the online statement. A big tip can be for 'excellent service'. Or, one is buying rounds for tablemates. Get a bunch of guys together drinking and it's easy to blow through a couple hundred, including tips, even with a few sharing the cost of rounds.

 

IMO, no easy or pleasant solution here. Being nice will never get anywhere IMO. I've got a best friend with a wife who has a gambling problem. He eliminated all credit cards and monitors her SS for any new ones and gives her an allowance. The money isn't the issue, it's the IRS audits. Everyone has their own unique situations. Hope yours works out and you can remain married.