to laurynn

[hurting mom]

well let me explain something before you jump all over me again. i have worked all my life and paid my way through everything except when my kids were little i did get financial aide.

 

for years tho i have been on my own without anyone helping me or doing me favors to help me out.

 

my boyfriend has these tapes called "understanding and taking charge of your personality" by father tom allender. they are motivation tapes and he brought them home the other day to listen to them for his work.

 

i ended up listening to them myself and found alot of things that rang so true about me that made me cry, i mean a real gut wrenching cry, very moving.

 

then today i was listening to another tape and he talked about people being rescuers. well my boyfriend was still home when it was on and on the tape he said how people feel good about them selves by rescuing others who need help.

 

my boyfriend says "my girlfriend" and he thought that that was very funny but however i was very insulted by his little jab.

 

i get these little jabs from him now and then, and i think he thinks he is motivating me by saying these things when in fact he is making me feel worse about my self.

 

then he doesn't understand why i feel slighted by his words, but he apologizes about what he said, yeah right, that makes it all better right? wrong!

 

well since my business went down hill in november, he took over everything financially and i wish to God that he would not of done that!

 

i was so appreciative that he was helping me so much but the price i had to pay was to do errands for him, do work for him etc, to "earn my keep" so to speak.

 

this lowered my self-esteem more then anything in my life since my mom died in 1992! i felt so obligated to him and that i deserved his little put downs cause he was right.

 

well i think if he had not made such an effort to help me that i would of done it on my own as i have all my life anyway.

 

now, the problem is how the hell do i get out of this????

 

i think about leaving him so i can gain back my independence and self-esteem.

 

i don't know if i have to go that far tho to get them back, but at times like right now after his little remark, i want to just pack up and go, but of course i have no money and neither does my daughter now.

 

so..................i have to either figure out a way to get "myself" back from him or just get out so i can feel good about myself.

 

i'm almost to a point where i have gotten so dependent on him now that being on my own again seems very scary, not to mention how much i would miss him cause he is not always like that.

 

he is for the most part, a very responsible, independent, professional person, but one that thinks (like the rescuer) that if you'd just do it my way then you'd do fine.

 

however his background does not fit the rescuer profile, so i don't know what or how he got this way or if that is really how he is, or if he is just sincerely helping me out.

 

now, as for my daughter...........

 

well i do not approve for a minute of her smoking pot! i guess it would be the lesser of the two evils.

 

i also told her the other day that if i ever find out that she is doing drugs that i will have that baby taken away from her until she straightens herself up with treatment or whatever it takes.

 

a couple years ago she had her own place and my other daughter told me that she seen ashes that did not look like cigarette ashes.

 

i actually called the police and wanted them to do a drug raid. they did a couple days later and found nothing there, not a thing and she never new i turned her in.

 

now i am waiting for them to pay her back her money before i turn them all in to the housing dept. the only problem doing it is the girl that is letting them stay there will lose her housing and that will put her kids on the street if she can't pay her rent on her own.

 

i feel terrible about doing that, but i want to get my daughter out of there like you could not believe! i do not like these people at all!

 

they are nice on the outside but you know they are users and losers....the guy, about 21 healthy, young and has no medical problems, is so content to just sit at home and not even make an attempt to support his wife and kids.

 

maybe because he has been rescued so many times like myself that he has become almost enable as myself.

 

as for the depression thing, well i was on celexa a while ago for OCD that had to do with obsessive thinking. i quit it after finding out how high they wanted me to go on the doseage.

 

well since then i have been falling almost daily into an emotional slump and the other day when all this happened with my daughter it just peaked and i did not even care about anything, including my job, my self or anything!

 

if i could of then, i would of just left then too because i felt so bad about ripping into my daughter and then not going to work, i felt like i let my boyfriend down too.

 

so i thought they would both be better off without me in their lives, and i wished to God that i had had somewhere to go.

 

i use to live in a nice small little town called mason city, iowa, population 35,000. the rent is so cheap there. i was paying only $325.00 for a two bedroom house, not an apt, but a whole house.

 

it had a big ole back yard with a lot of bunnies in it and a garage as well. in a nice little neighborhood. the house was small but it was my house, my home and i could so easily afford it.

 

i use to work at a bread store called "county hearth" i worked there for eight months paying my bills, rent, etc. never having troubles like this with my at the time drunken, abusive boyfriend.

 

my job was my sanctuary, i could not wait until i could get away from him. when he left me cause i was a "wacko" that was almost a relief but also cause i was so use to being with him that i missed him for a very long time.

 

anyway, i hope this gives you some insight as to what i am going through. oh, and one more thing, last night i started on paxil for my depression.

 

i called the company back where i was suppose to work yesterday and left a message practically beggin for another chance.

 

i hope they will give me one, but if not, i will find another one. i can do housecleaning for different companies and i never even thought of that before until last week and i got a job just like that!

 

i was so happy and felt the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders, but now it is back and i need to do something like get another job NOW!

 

so if i don't hear from them by the end of the day i will know that i can't go back there, so today i will be looking for another job.

 

p.s. my boyfriend does not know about any of this, unfortunately i can't go to him and tell him what i was feeling, he's only think, like you, that it was/is another excuse not to work. i'll ponder that, but i really want to work. please believe that.........i'm not a lazy person at all! ! !