Takes 2-3 months of NC for exes to miss you

[armchair200]

That's assuming that the relationship did have some good memories. It takes about 2-3 months of no contact for exes (the dumpers) to miss you. During the first month they may feel a sense of relief and be out having a blast but by 2-3 months they tend to remember the good memories of the relationship and forget the bad memories. This is when they are most tempted to contact you to see how you are.

[candie13]

Yes. It happened to me!

[armchair200]

If it was a relationship that lasted years then exes don't forget about you that quickly. They will think about you at least sometimes after the breakup. Dumpers are human with feelings too and they don't always experience the same emotion at all times after the breakup. So it is natural that at times they will remember the good things about the previous relationship. I'm not saying that it necessarily means they want to get back in. That's a whole different matter.

[PaperCrane]

Yup, very true.

 

Mine will always message me from time to time. Wants to check in...go out and do something...or heck even just "stop by and say hi" which turns into 1-2 hour sessions of her just talking.

 

She has no home to come back to anymore with me. Not after she took the vehicle, wrecked it, left me destitute and living in my car after emptying the bank account. I learned many lessons in those weeks.

 

She just recently invited me to a concert with her, without asking her current boyfriend. That's not okay with me in any way. She says she misses me and is so proud at how I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. A year and a half ago ago I'd have cried at those words. Now I just...feel sad for her.

[TunaCat]

Not in my case.

 

Last time I heard from my ex was the day he went public with a new relationship. That was 3 weeks after he dumped me.

 

That was 116 days ago.

 

We were very serious. We talked about the serious stuff a lot. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page before we got engaged.

 

Now he's serious with the new girl.

 

It makes me wonder if he ever meant ANY of that stuff to me. It makes me sad to think that he can just get over me that soon and move on.

 

Hell, EVERYONE thought we'd get married. You could say we were childhood sweethearts.

[2.50 a gallon]

I caught my Ex cheating, and kicked her to the curb. She moved in with OM, and liked to rub my face in it. That lasted about a month.

Last visit she came by to spend time with our kittens and again rub salt into the wound. When getting ready to leave, she put 2 and 2 together and realized that I had had company in our marriage bed the previous night. She did an instant and total turn around. Wailing and rolling on the floor begging for a second chance.

[xpaperxcutx]

Not in my case.

 

Last time I heard from my ex was the day he went public with a new relationship. That was 3 weeks after he dumped me.

 

That was 116 days ago.

 

We were very serious. We talked about the serious stuff a lot. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page before we got engaged.

 

Now he's serious with the new girl.

 

It makes me wonder if he ever meant ANY of that stuff to me. It makes me sad to think that he can just get over me that soon and move on.

 

Hell, EVERYONE thought we'd get married. You could say we were childhood sweethearts.

 

My ex got into a relationship the same day he dumped me. He never looked back to tell me he misses me.

[Mascara]

This should probably read as "if they're going to miss you, it will be at around the 2-3 month mark". The last time I broke up with someone I didn't once miss them or feel any need to reach out.

[blackcat777]

I think the circumstances surrounding the breakup are huge. Was there abuse? Was it GIGS? Were you unable to communicate effectively? Was there cheating?

 

Also, the person's motivation for seeking attention of the dumpee is another factor. If they are narcissists, toxic, and/or addicted to drama... yes, they'll come around, but the wise thing to do would be to bolt your doors.

 

The last person I dumped, I dumped so hard and never looked back. I left the country with just the clothes on my back. He did attempt to contact me for more money after stealing my credit cards and robbing me blind.

 

My current boyfriend and I... who I absolutely love to death... did have a breakup, which was what sent me to these forums in the first place. The relationship was awesome, but he moved away to school, his life flipped upside down and he had the GIGS. We reconciled. He came back at the four month mark.

 

The reconciliation stuck, for two reasons, I believe: I stayed STRICT NC from the first day of the breakup, blocked his phone (he tried to call me and my provider told him he was blocked!), blocked him all over social media, and literally forced him to my front door; and I worked on myself, hard. I became fitter than ever and went back to school. Despite the worst pain of my life and crying until my left eye developed a random twitch, I kept moving and stayed strong.

 

Our relationship has been totally transformed; I think his experience of my absence made him realize he wanted to be with me. Since he made the decision and came back, every single day (8 months now) he shows me with his actions how much he loves me and wants to stay with me. I've had some serious life challenges in the past few months and I tell him he's my wings.

 

If someone dumps you and you don't break contact, the person who dumped you WILL lose respect for you. To seek the affections of a person who rejects you is NOT self-respecting; if you don't respect yourself, no one else will respect you.

 

Maybe NC was easier for me because I have experience with fasting: I know that when you quit something, the brain will do anything and everything to find a "reason" to make you believe you should give in and take what you want, even when you know it's bad for you. The mind will tempt you to break your resolve with all kinds of clever tricks. You have to stay NC and keep moving forward.

 

If the relationship was good and both parties did some growing up during the separation, I think the chances for reconciliation are best.

[Dudearino]

 

If someone dumps you and you don't break contact, the person who dumped you WILL lose respect for you. To seek the affections of a person who rejects you is NOT self-respecting; if you don't respect yourself, no one else will respect you..

 

Did you mean if you break NC they will lose respect for you?... its worded weird compared to the rest of your post.

 

Pretty much you do your thing & they do theirs and see what happens? Should the dumpee reach out down the road after the addiction is broke? To see what the dumper is feeling. What if the dumper is still with other person?

Edited August 9, 2015 by Dudearino
Wording

[Gloria25]

The "dumper" is usually gonna move on quicker than the "dumpee" w/o even looking back at because usually when a break up happens the dumper has been planning it out, contemplating it and/or may even have someone else in mind/lined up...

 

So, when the actual break-up happens the dumper has already gone through the morning of loss, moving on etc...but, the dumpee is just embarking on that journey.

 

If a dumper is missing you after the breakup, they probably didn't wanna break up in the first place and are crawling back to the dumpee. That may happen.

 

-I mean, sometimes people break up as some sort of ultimatum and when the dumpee is like "whatever", the dumper's plan is f-d up.

 

-Also, the dumper may have had GIGS and after they broke up, didn't work out like they planned.

 

-Lastly, even though the dumper realized that a breakup needed to happen, he/she ain't got a thing going on for them so, they crawl back to what is familiar (the dumpee) cuz they rather have "something" rather than "nothing".

[pa888]

I think the circumstances surrounding the breakup are huge. Was there abuse? Was it GIGS? Were you unable to communicate effectively? Was there cheating?

 

Also, the person's motivation for seeking attention of the dumpee is another factor. If they are narcissists, toxic, and/or addicted to drama... yes, they'll come around, but the wise thing to do would be to bolt your doors.

 

The last person I dumped, I dumped so hard and never looked back. I left the country with just the clothes on my back. He did attempt to contact me for more money after stealing my credit cards and robbing me blind.

 

My current boyfriend and I... who I absolutely love to death... did have a breakup, which was what sent me to these forums in the first place. The relationship was awesome, but he moved away to school, his life flipped upside down and he had the GIGS. We reconciled. He came back at the four month mark.

 

The reconciliation stuck, for two reasons, I believe: I stayed STRICT NC from the first day of the breakup, blocked his phone (he tried to call me and my provider told him he was blocked!), blocked him all over social media, and literally forced him to my front door; and I worked on myself, hard. I became fitter than ever and went back to school. Despite the worst pain of my life and crying until my left eye developed a random twitch, I kept moving and stayed strong.

 

Our relationship has been totally transformed; I think his experience of my absence made him realize he wanted to be with me. Since he made the decision and came back, every single day (8 months now) he shows me with his actions how much he loves me and wants to stay with me. I've had some serious life challenges in the past few months and I tell him he's my wings.

 

If someone dumps you and you don't break contact, the person who dumped you WILL lose respect for you. To seek the affections of a person who rejects you is NOT self-respecting; if you don't respect yourself, no one else will respect you.

 

Maybe NC was easier for me because I have experience with fasting: I know that when you quit something, the brain will do anything and everything to find a "reason" to make you believe you should give in and take what you want, even when you know it's bad for you. The mind will tempt you to break your resolve with all kinds of clever tricks. You have to stay NC and keep moving forward.

 

If the relationship was good and both parties did some growing up during the separation, I think the chances for reconciliation are best.

 

Great story! I'm glad it worked out so well for you Part of me still wished that that would happen to me, but I highly doubt it at this point. I started NC immediately, and unfriended him on FB. He hasn't contacted me since either, and it's been about 4 or so months. Besides our relationship was a bit on the short side (7 months) and didn't really have any problems at all until he stopped putting in any effort around the last month or two. I got the slow fade, and I started pushing harder (my mistake), and that was it

 

Even though I know he's never coming back I'm glad I went into NC. As for him missing me I don't know if he does and I'm getting closer to the point where I don't care, but I'm proud of myself for being strong with NC in my first relationship. I did it for me

[hotpotato]

My ex got into a relationship the same day he dumped me. He never looked back to tell me he misses me.

 

This is true for my past ex. My other ex still contacts me. We are friends. Both were dating other women while planning to break up with me. There was overlap. Some people just can't be single.

[Gloria25]

You know, sometimes an ex might look you up - not cuz they wanna have a go at it again with you, but sometimes out of curiosity.

 

I've done that quite a bit. I'll look up an ex - usually w/o contacting them - just out of curiosity.

 

One time I even ran into the guy who left me for the town ho and had a polite convo with him. I had ZERO interest in getting back with him and I was even amazed that I even gotten past the point where I was wishing the next bimbo he left me for took him to the cleaners...and yep, I was right He was telling me how he came back from an assignment overseas and after 9 months, he knows enough about some chick to marry her:laugh: This guy was an idiot...how many times does he have to get with these chicks and get played for a green card and/or cash? Yet, he wanted to put me through 21 questions. But, I think he thought he could control these women through dangling that green card over their heads and/or their dependency on him, and each time he got played (with his 1st wife, the town ho, the ROTC chick, and now the 9 month chick).

 

Another time, my 6 yr guy? A relative of mine said he ran into him and he was giving him some good tips on stuff and meh, again, I just out of curiosity asked how he was looking/doing. Again, no interest at all in him.

[RecentChange]

I don't think you can generalize relationships into an equation like this. Way too many variables.

 

Some people miss the other right away, some never do, perhaps for some it is 2-3 months.

 

What lead you to this conclusion?

[blackcat777]

Did you mean if you break NC they will lose respect for you?

Yes. (Oops! Thanks!)

 

Pretty much you do your thing & they do theirs and see what happens? Should the dumpee reach out down the road after the addiction is broke? To see what the dumper is feeling. What if the dumper is still with other person?

If someone is dumped, the dumpee needs to keep moving forward. Not for 30 days, not for 90 days, not for whatever any "NC guide to win them back says." You walk away like a superhero when the villain's fortress is destroyed, and you don't turn around, because you are that badass.

 

I also strongly believe that a reconciliation will not stick for the long term unless the dumper has realized--COMPLETELY INDEPENDENTLY OF THE DUMPEE--that he/she misses the person they dumped.

 

This can never happen unless the dumpee leaves the dumper 110% alone, permanently, to feel the pain of true loss. Otherwise, in their mind, the dumper assumes the dumpee will always be there, will be a fallback option, can be taken for granted anytime.

 

If the dumpee initiates contact and the dumper replies, the dumpee runs a huge risk of any continued communication being JUST an appeal to comfort, to the familiar. Giving the dumper a temporary fix that he was not motivated to seek independently seriously lowers the *perceived* value of the dumpee.

 

You were just there? That easy to get? You checked up on them out of the blue... because you don't have anything better to do? <- This isn't the TRUTH. The truth is your heart was probably ripped out, and even the best effort to move your life forward comes with a heroic struggle against the pain, BUT, if you reach out, in a way, this is what your actions communicate to the dumper.

 

Whereas, when my boyfriend came back. What? I hadn't contacted him? How could I do that? What had I been doing? Getting fit, dancing my pants off, going to school. I looked so strong to him. I blocked him. I let him miss me and I made him work for it.

 

If you're dumped... you have to. You have to reset the power dynamics in the relationship; NC is the only way to do this. And you really have to find the power to overcome heartache and loss within yourself--this is true power. If you don't let your inner strength take over ("Does he miss me?" "Did he forget about me?" "Should I just text him happy birthday?" No, you're stronger than that!!), nothing will have changed.

 

You need to create a new relationship. You need to be a stronger person. Clinging to the past does not allow you to accomplish either of these things.

 

tl;dr: If you are dumped, maintain strict NC. Never look back. Only entertain sincere attempts to win your attention.

 

This also means: you deserve more than a text, or even a lousy phone call. Make it count. Try to get some good old-fashioned face-to-face communication. If someone hesitates to talk to your face, they are either not ready or not serious. You have to set the bar and determine how you'll be treated. You also have to believe that you are WORTH a face-to-face conversation (after being dumped, your self-esteem is likely in the pits, but confidence is the #1 turnon.)

 

If you stay strong and only choose to settle for the best... no halfway attempts at your love... you are only open to the best outcome. No breadcrumbs, no fishing for attention, no bored hookups. Stay strong because you owe it to yourself, and because that strength filters any selfish attempt to break your heart again.

 

If you never break NC, you will win. You will either win by letting yourself heal as quickly as possible from the pain of someone not caring enough to make a relationship work; or, you win by letting the person realizing what they lost, and forcing them to make a decision to seek you. You're not a free handout. You're worth so much more, remember that.

 

I strongly recommend Bonnie Weil's Makeup, Don't Breakup if you want to learn more about the psychology of viable relationships and when NC is applicable to strengthen a relationship. This is all assuming the relationship was long-term (for at least a year-ish) and generally healthy before the breakup.

 

On the subject of timeframes, Weil says it takes 6-8 weeks for the dumper to come out of the "relief" stage of just breaking up. The relief stage is like a high. Then it could take 6-12 months to process the breakup (any contact from the dumpee seriously interferes with this process). If the dumper comes back too soon, they haven't felt the pain of loss--and therefore, haven't stopped to reflect upon and appreciate the dumpee--and the same flawed relationship dynamics will likely repeat.

 

Time apart can powerfully strengthen a relationship if you play your cards right.

[Gloria25]

Time apart can powerfully strengthen a relationship if you play your cards right.

 

Well, I believe and have told some people that when you break up, two things are gonna happen:

 

1-Either the person will wise up and realize what they loss and come back for real;

 

or,

 

2-They don't ever come back and you heal and find someone better than them

 

To me, that's a "win/win"... you can't lose from a break-up. Break-ups either set you free to find someone better or the person you broke up from comes back for real.

 

But, I don't do and/or recommend breaking up as a "manipulation" into getting someone back. You better be ready and/or prepared for the fact that he/she may never come back.

 

Right now, I want to be let go. Yea, it stings but I need this. I so wanna let go of this that's going no where. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand in order to have finality to something. Does part of me believe I'm gonna miss him and his attentiveness? Sure, but at the same time in the long run I'm saving myself from stagnation and more heartache cuz he's never gonna come my way...so, time to call the meeting to order.

[craw]

Not in my case.

 

Last time I heard from my ex was the day he went public with a new relationship. That was 3 weeks after he dumped me.

 

That was 116 days ago.

 

We were very serious. We talked about the serious stuff a lot. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page before we got engaged.

 

Now he's serious with the new girl.

 

It makes me wonder if he ever meant ANY of that stuff to me. It makes me sad to think that he can just get over me that soon and move on.

 

Hell, EVERYONE thought we'd get married. You could say we were childhood sweethearts.

 

 

You dodged a bullet!

[Dudearino]

Yes. (Oops! Thanks!)

 

If someone is dumped, the dumpee needs to keep moving forward. Not for 30 days, not for 90 days, not for whatever any "NC guide to win them back says." You walk away like a superhero when the villain's fortress is destroyed, and you don't turn around, because you are that badass.

 

I also strongly believe that a reconciliation will not stick for the long term unless the dumper has realized--COMPLETELY INDEPENDENTLY OF THE DUMPEE--that he/she misses the person they dumped.

 

This can never happen unless the dumpee leaves the dumper 110% alone, permanently, to feel the pain of true loss. Otherwise, in their mind, the dumper assumes the dumpee will always be there, will be a fallback option, can be taken for granted anytime.

 

If the dumpee initiates contact and the dumper replies, the dumpee runs a huge risk of any continued communication being JUST an appeal to comfort, to the familiar. Giving the dumper a temporary fix that he was not motivated to seek independently seriously lowers the *perceived* value of the dumpee.

 

You were just there? That easy to get? You checked up on them out of the blue... because you don't have anything better to do? <- This isn't the TRUTH. The truth is your heart was probably ripped out, and even the best effort to move your life forward comes with a heroic struggle against the pain, BUT, if you reach out, in a way, this is what your actions communicate to the dumper.

 

Whereas, when my boyfriend came back. What? I hadn't contacted him? How could I do that? What had I been doing? Getting fit, dancing my pants off, going to school. I looked so strong to him. I blocked him. I let him miss me and I made him work for it.

 

If you're dumped... you have to. You have to reset the power dynamics in the relationship; NC is the only way to do this. And you really have to find the power to overcome heartache and loss within yourself--this is true power. If you don't let your inner strength take over ("Does he miss me?" "Did he forget about me?" "Should I just text him happy birthday?" No, you're stronger than that!!), nothing will have changed.

 

You need to create a new relationship. You need to be a stronger person. Clinging to the past does not allow you to accomplish either of these things.

 

tl;dr: If you are dumped, maintain strict NC. Never look back. Only entertain sincere attempts to win your attention.

 

This also means: you deserve more than a text, or even a lousy phone call. Make it count. Try to get some good old-fashioned face-to-face communication. If someone hesitates to talk to your face, they are either not ready or not serious. You have to set the bar and determine how you'll be treated. You also have to believe that you are WORTH a face-to-face conversation (after being dumped, your self-esteem is likely in the pits, but confidence is the #1 turnon.)

 

If you stay strong and only choose to settle for the best... no halfway attempts at your love... you are only open to the best outcome. No breadcrumbs, no fishing for attention, no bored hookups. Stay strong because you owe it to yourself, and because that strength filters any selfish attempt to break your heart again.

 

If you never break NC, you will win. You will either win by letting yourself heal as quickly as possible from the pain of someone not caring enough to make a relationship work; or, you win by letting the person realizing what they lost, and forcing them to make a decision to seek you. You're not a free handout. You're worth so much more, remember that.

 

I strongly recommend Bonnie Weil's Makeup, Don't Breakup if you want to learn more about the psychology of viable relationships and when NC is applicable to strengthen a relationship. This is all assuming the relationship was long-term (for at least a year-ish) and generally healthy before the breakup.

 

On the subject of timeframes, Weil says it takes 6-8 weeks for the dumper to come out of the "relief" stage of just breaking up. The relief stage is like a high. Then it could take 6-12 months to process the breakup (any contact from the dumpee seriously interferes with this process). If the dumper comes back too soon, they haven't felt the pain of loss--and therefore, haven't stopped to reflect upon and appreciate the dumpee--and the same flawed relationship dynamics will likely repeat.

 

Time apart can powerfully strengthen a relationship if you play your cards right.

 

Thanks for clearing it up for me. Makes tons of sense. Just gonna keep moving and see what comes my way. Kinda feel weird moving on, but its for the best. Plus cant complain having some fun along the way

[kasop]

My ex came back between two-three months. I did the begging thing after the b/u and it drove her so far away that i thought she would never be back. So i came here and did everything i could to move on. Did alot of reading and sharing online. Got in alot better shape. I felt like i had moved on after 2 months of nc. Then she contacted me and i ignored. But she kept trying ans by the third time i finally answered and aggreed. We have been happily together sense. It took alot of talking and working out our issues though. But i feel like we understand each other alot more now in which it has made us even closer then ever.

[MissBee]

That's assuming that the relationship did have some good memories. It takes about 2-3 months of no contact for exes (the dumpers) to miss you. During the first month they may feel a sense of relief and be out having a blast but by 2-3 months they tend to remember the good memories of the relationship and forget the bad memories. This is when they are most tempted to contact you to see how you are.

 

I don't think this is true, neither are there any rules about it.

 

It all varies.

 

It's normal to miss someone or reminisce on fond memories, but chances are, if you broke up with them it's for a reason and doesn't mean you're going to try to get back together with them even when you remember good times.

 

I broke up with my ex last September. It ended up being amicable and he ended up agreeing, I think I spoke to him 3 times via text within that month, and I haven't spoken to him since except to wish him a HBD on FB because he wished it to me on mine. I think of him from time time, esp when dating is going awry, and I think of his good qualities, but overall we are not a good match and I don't want to be with him and I don't ever think of reaching out to check on him or if I did, it would be purely innocent and not because I want to be with him again.

 

NC is not to make the person miss or want you or for you to get them back. It's to move on. Everyone is different and while some break ups may be "mistakes" or second chances may be possible, majority of the time it wasn't working for good reason, if someone no longer feels you fit their needs, then they don't and it means you aren't a good match. There is NO rule or natural law that they will miss you in 2 or 3 months, many people break up and never look back, or some look back in a friendly way just because they care about you as a person, or some because dating isn't going well so they start seeing you with rose-tinted glasses in comparison (but this is usually not genuine and just a product of frustration with dating), it's rarer that them reaching out is because now they want to take it all back and resume a relationship. I've also been the dumpee and had the dumper come back (many times) before I instituted full and total NC, and trust me, there was nothing promising about it even though I kept getting my hopes up.

[blackcat777]

After a breakup, you have to move on, period.

 

If there is a chance at viable reconciliation, NC weeds out the game-players and only leaves room for those who would come back in a serious manner. If you don't look within yourself and grow as a person--move on--you're going to bring the same old behavioral patterns to the table that sank the relationship in the first place.

 

NC doesn't guarantee reconciliation; but a viable reconciliation is nearly impossible without NC.

 

Whether or not someone wants to come back depends upon the entire relationship in the first place. In the case of cheating or abuse, you stay NC because it's in your best interest for the other person to never come back. In the case of GIGS, or hesitation of taking commitment to another level, there is a better chance of transformative reconciliation, provided the relationship was healthy.

 

There are a lot of train-wreck relationships going awry out there, and part of moving on and doing the required soul-searching means being brutally honest with yourself. I know in the pain of heartbreak, everyone wishes to get back together... Sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it isn't.

 

There are no set rules, but there are certain patterns. Weil's book is awesome and lays out a boatload of interesting psychology about NC and commitment; and Dr. Patricia Allen's "Getting to I Do" is cited often, in reference to men contemplating commitment during a period of NC around the 6-8 week mark.