Emotional affair(BDSM), trying to forgive

[onehurtwife]

My husband of 8 years whom I have been with for 10 years was caught almost a month ago having an emotional affair (BDSM) with someone from his past. The emails were VERY graphic and involved them also talking about a possibility of moving in together and the other woman pushing the options of how he could legally take our 4 year old son away from so my son's "stability" wouldn't be broken and I should get an apartment. I filed for divorce on the 28th of last month and since the 11th of July when I found out about his little affair I kept my mouth shut and quietly hired two lawyers to help me with my case. My husband was definitely caught off guard when he got served...still clueless and "VERY" upset about the divorce papers finally confessed of his emotional affair and told me he's been in touch with her off and on for the past 10 years!!! Right before we got married(3 weeks) I caught him online on BDSM sites and chatting with someone and posting stuff online. I nearly called off the wedding, we worked things out (I thought was cold feet) up to that point I was clueless of his hidden sexual desire of BDSM. then after we got married I tried to put it behind us and I did because he showed me that I could trust him again just so 10 years later to find out he was having this affair which he claims it was online only.(during the 10 years he wouldn't dare to try bdsm stuff with me). he has showed me serious remorse for the pain he's caused. he added my name to the deed of the house(pre-marital) and bank accounts to prove he is trying to reconcile because he does love me not because of the finance. while this affair happened for the past few months he and I had been trying to conceive our second child which he claims the other woman knew but when I called her a week ago she was clueless and said that he portrayed me to be this evil wife and our marriage was in ruins, she apologized for everything(which I do not accept it- home wrecker)... he did admit that HE contacted her first a few months ago. here we are, divorce is open at the court house but on hold per my request through my lawyers and he wants me to stop (dismiss) the divorce completely so we can focus on our upcoming marriage counseling. I do love him but I do not trust him anymore. my emotions are on a rollercoaster ride. I want to reconcile and move on but im having doubts because of the trust issue. Not to mention that in one of the e-mails they talked about having her mount a dog while they ****ed. he says to dismiss the divorce and he knows there's nothing he can do if I decide to refile again in the future and sue him for legal fees etc... he wants this completely dismissed so he does not have to waste $8k on retaining a lawyer if we are "truly" trying to reconcile. Thoughts??

[CarrieT]

Your husband was involved with BDSM before you got married and continued while you were married. It is in his system and part of his psyche. He won't be giving it up, despite his promises.

 

I live in a BDSM marriage and don't believe you should dismiss the divorce.

 

Why would you want to reconcile with someone who has been lying to you about who he is for so long? I can understand you not wanting to try it, but the best thing you can do is let him go.