ShatteredLady Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I've know a lot of Muslim families in England. Like everything, some are very strict & some very liberal. The alarm bells did start ringing when you said she's divorced! Did I get tht wrong? How strict is her family if they allowed divorce? Divorce & affairs don't really = fanatical, loose your entire family if you're with a non-Muslim guy, type of family. Really?? Like any caring family I imagine the thought of their daughter being with a married man is the worst thing. Again, this is a REALLY short time between marriage, trying for baby, affair. Why did you marry your wife if you didn't love her? I know I'm a hapless romantic but surely everyone thinks true love can't die in less than 2 years?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Lol, who said I was downright mad? I'm a little ticked that the first person who replied to my post thought that I was somehow implying that Muslims were less "lovely and kind" than others, but I digress. And in reply to you, that was my point in the first place: If the MM is so "in love", he should just follow her and convert to Islam, that way he can marry her. It has nothing to do with Islam in and of itself. We could be talking about the fact that this woman is Jewish, Buddhist, or whatever religion. It really doesn't have anything to do with religion, that wasn't my original point. My original point was that this man no longer loves his wife, seems to still be in love with the OW still, refuses to even disclose anything to his wife, and would still be in the A if the OW didn't put an end to it. Absolutely nothing to do with religion. Way to take something and blow it way out of proportion, guys. Yes you were mad don't deny it:p lol I don't think remorseful-tab had any bad intention she just misunderstood you point. i agree with you if he was willing to let his wife go for the OW that means he doesn't care for her any more. This not typical of a cheating spouse specially MMs. They normally want to be married while experiencing new adventure. He is denial no doubt Link to post Share on other sites
remorseful_tab Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I am sorry GoldieLox... After reading this thread one thing I think I should say - this Muslim friend of mine is ethnically Pakistani. One guy was interested in her while we were at a pub. But one day she made a comment like "I wouldn't marry him even if he converted to Islam." I immediately asked her what does she mean? She said "Well, even if a Muslim, he is not a Pakistani". My response was thats racist. She only laughed. I don't know the OPs love interest's ethnicity. But I can bet even if he converted to Islam, she will still find an excuse about his ethnicity (assuming he is a white or black) Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I am sorry GoldieLox... After reading this thread one thing I think I should say - this Muslim friend of mine is ethnically Pakistani. One guy was interested in her while we were at a pub. But one day she made a comment like "I wouldn't marry him even if he converted to Islam." I immediately asked her what does she mean? She said "Well, even if a Muslim, he is not a Pakistani". My response was thats racist. She only laughed. I don't know the OPs love interest's ethnicity. But I can bet even if he converted to Islam, she will still find an excuse about his ethnicity (assuming he is a white or black) Water under the bridge. Just wanted to be sure everyone knew I wasn't making any judgements or any other comments against Islam. I don't know much about the religion (the ME culture, yes- religion, no) but don't have anything against it by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 On whether I will tell my wife about the affair, I will not. Simply because she would figure out who the affair was with and if she confronted the other it could be ruin her relationship with her family. So your wife gets to work on her self-improvement (I'm sure in large part to please you) and, once you get off the wait list, undergo IVF treatments? Without knowing you might leave her any minute? And your reason to keep her in the dark is to protect the OW from family ruin? Just...wow... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Downgamer, have you done any research into infertility, IVF and their potential effects on M? The stress of this actually manifests in a three-fold higher risk of divorce. For so many reasons. Infertility jars foundational relationship expectations, it can subconsciously and fundamentally change the way partners view each other, themselves, and their relationship. In fact, most IVF associations recommend that MC coincide with infertility diagnosis and continue during treatment. Your reaction is actually textbook. H feels all manner of emotional turmoil, subconsciously sees his W as 'less than' and then turns to another to have his pain assuaged rather than express and deal with it in a healthy manner. How do you think your W is feeling? She's been conditioned her whole life to believe that one of a woman's core roles is motherhood. It's natural, her body was made for it. Except now she finds hers isn't; she can't just do this naturally. And to boot, then she's told she's too fat to even get help. Are you aware of the level of pain your W is potentially in? Do you get that you may just be adding to that by blaming her for a 'lack of commitment' when it may actually be depression affecting her motivation? That you mention none of this in your post is telling. IMO your A is likely to be just a poor coping mechanism to personal and relationship stress (as are so many). You're probably just distracting yourself from dealing with the bigger more important issues in your life. I would suggest you take a really long hard look at what's really going on here with the help of a therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SSM3 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I'm going to butt in hear. To everyone giving the guy stick have you actually been in his shoes before?? His story sounds very similar to mine and if you have not experienced things like this yourself then you should not really make judgmental comments. Myself and my partner were trying for a baby for 4 years but nothing, she had minor health issues which dragged on for years. I have since given up hope of having a family and have also had an affair too. You will probably slate me too, but I really couldn't give a flying **** Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Myself and my partner were trying for a baby for 4 years but nothing, she had minor health issues which dragged on for years. I have since given up hope of having a family and have also had an affair too. You will probably slate me too, but I really couldn't give a flying **** How does having an affair help get you closer to having a family ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Myself and my partner were trying for a baby for 4 years but nothing, she had minor health issues which dragged on for years. I have since given up hope of having a family and have also had an affair too. You will probably slate me too, but I really couldn't give a flying **** Wow, just....wow. Your wife was going through one of the most emotionally painful times in her life....and you only thought of yourself? How YOU felt? YOU gave up, did she? And you also had an affair, 2 of the most painful things to happen in a relationship and your words...I don't give a flying **** Men can be so ignorant of how women feel, it's a very deep pain to know you can't have a child, you feel a failure, you let your husband down, you feel worthless. You get depressed because you feel a failure, it's a vicious circle (now ask me again, do I know the pain?) Does your W know you had an affair? or did you keep that to yourself? Your so justified in your behaviour, you were entitled, right? This isn't helping the OP as he obviously has no feelings or respect for his W at all. He really needs to let her go. How cruel of him to deceive her like this and force her to waste more time on him when she could be out there finding the guy who will love her and they can have a child. Her time is being wasted while he is pining of his lost love. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 In my opinion this man is not mature enough to bring a child to the world. Losing respect for his wife for her innability to lose weight is a huge red flag already in my eyes, I wont even mention the "I fell out of love with my wife", "I love the OW" and the "I wont tell my wife about the affair in order to protect poor OW". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 I feel really bad for this guy's wife. As several posters have pointed out, she may already be really down on herself for not being able to have a child, and now he's throwing her wright back into her face and using it as an excuse to cheat. I wonder how he would feel if he was the one who couldn't father a child and she used that as an excuse to cheat, or if he was impotent and used that as an excuse, and even worse, ran him down, said she was disgusted with him for not being able to overcome his impotence ( or taking to long to do so) and then using tat as an excuse to cheat? Sure, she may well not have his "discipline' and desire to head to the gym, but she has something far better...integrity and morals. That is something neither he nor ( as another poster put it) miss"flirty skirty" other woman has. Seems she ran for the hills when things with him threatened to get a bot too serious, and I have to wonder which guy she has latched onto now. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 <I'm a fit and healthy man who has been with an overweight woman for 7 years, 2 years married. I have wordlessly grown to resent my wife being over weight and have started an EA (probably also PA but nobody can tell on this forum because I didn't make it clear).> I kept saying to myself that I would give her 6 months [of attempted weight loss] and then I would leave, as her heart just seemed not to be in it. <Coincidentally, my marital difficulties began exactly 18 months ago at the time an attractive young woman joined my work.> I can't tell my wife about what happened.... I can't risk her exposing the girl.... ....when she's with the other guys, I can't help but burn with jealousy.... I can't leave my job..... Since you believe your wife's heart is not in the marriage, and yours clearly isn't either, why not just suggest a divorce? Then you can be with your lover permanently. I recommend converting to Islam, because since you can give the appearance of a devoted husband and loyal employee, it shouldn't be that hard to pull off faithful Muslim. OR, you could decide to live an authentic life, confess to your wife, change jobs, and start being honest with your life partner about your feelings and your actions. Not always an easy path, but unlike your current situation, authenticity will never leave you wedged as you are at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
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