ShatteredLady Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 When your partner has cheated & you've read some of their correspondence how do you stop all the words & phrases he used with her being triggers? I was writing to my friend last night. I've always called her "Lovely Lady". My husband obviously found that nice so he used it as his term of endearment with his mistress. I'd usually write "Night, night lovely lady" at the end of a message. Last night I had a panic attack, could hardly breath, burst into tears as I realized I couldn't bring myself to write it! He's trying. He's talking about date night & special things we can do. He made a joke about getting a little "hot & excited" when talking about massage oils...problem is he said the same thing to HER a couple of weeks ago! I know I need to get over this. They're 'just' words but it hurts so much I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. He sent her a couple of my favorite CD's - Can I ever listen to them again? He sent her kids my favorite books by my favorite kids author. I loved reading those books & watching the movie with my kids! Ugh! This is so hard. How do you just carry-on as if none of its ever happened? I'm trying not to throw-up & burst into tears just writing this. Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 When your partner has cheated & you've read some of their correspondence how do you stop all the words & phrases he used with her being triggers? I was writing to my friend last night. I've always called her "Lovely Lady". My husband obviously found that nice so he used it as his term of endearment with his mistress. I'd usually write "Night, night lovely lady" at the end of a message. Last night I had a panic attack, could hardly breath, burst into tears as I realized I couldn't bring myself to write it! He's trying. He's talking about date night & special things we can do. He made a joke about getting a little "hot & excited" when talking about massage oils...problem is he said the same thing to HER a couple of weeks ago! I know I need to get over this. They're 'just' words but it hurts so much I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. He sent her a couple of my favorite CD's - Can I ever listen to them again? He sent her kids my favorite books by my favorite kids author. I loved reading those books & watching the movie with my kids! Ugh! This is so hard. How do you just carry-on as if none of its ever happened? I'm trying not to throw-up & burst into tears just writing this. Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. Yes, I do. It will get better with time. I wish there was a short cut, but there just is not. My only suggestion is IC, if you are not in it now. Talking over with a friend would also help. Posting here as well. Hugs, things will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 When your partner has cheated & you've read some of their correspondence how do you stop all the words & phrases he used with her being triggers? I was writing to my friend last night. I've always called her "Lovely Lady". My husband obviously found that nice so he used it as his term of endearment with his mistress. I'd usually write "Night, night lovely lady" at the end of a message. Last night I had a panic attack, could hardly breath, burst into tears as I realized I couldn't bring myself to write it! He's trying. He's talking about date night & special things we can do. He made a joke about getting a little "hot & excited" when talking about massage oils...problem is he said the same thing to HER a couple of weeks ago! I know I need to get over this. Who says? And don't for one moment think there's a time-limit to this, ok...? They're 'just' words but it hurts so much I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. They're NOT just 'words'. They have meaning, resonance and significance. If words were just words, how do you suppose Shakespeare, Byron, Keats. Shelley, Wordsworth, Kipling, Dickens and all the other poets and writers I could list, ever made a living? He sent her a couple of my favorite CD's - Can I ever listen to them again? He sent her kids my favorite books by my favorite kids author. I loved reading those books & watching the movie with my kids! Ugh! This is so hard. How do you just carry-on as if none of its ever happened? Oh my goodness, you don't! I haven't looked up your posting history, so I know nothng about this, but you definitely need counselling - both for just you, AND the both of you... How long ago did this affair happen/end? Has he acknowledged his guilt? Why is HE behaving as all of this doesn't matter? How can he be making suggestions about a massage, so soon after his indiscretion? The guy needs to seriously eat mega-portions of humble pie.... He took everything that was ever sacred to you, and threw it in your face as inconsequential... Of course they're NOT 'just words'...! I'm trying not to throw-up & burst into tears just writing this. Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. Have you confided in your best friend? Does she understand why you could not use the familiar phrase? you need to broadcast his infidelity, to all and sundry.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. make new memories, sweetheart. make new memories attached to those words, books & music. connect them with something new, pure... with a brand new person, feeling, place... day, weather... me & my then boyfriend had this beautiful park where we'd often meet. after the break - up... every single time i passed that park, i thought of him. and it's like my heart was breaking over and over again. then i went to that park & made new memories. attached the memory of that park to a new person, new friend. new conversation, new feeling... so honey - make new memories. memories that aren't attached to your marriage or husband - but to you or your friend, children... someone new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand you. Wow, cheaters aren't even original...he has to use your words and your music and your books. Does he have his own style/brain? That's very typical of a cheater btw. I'm in the camp that says true reconciliation isn't possible. Ever. Google: Chump Lady I believed my cheater when he said he wanted reconciliation and wasted another DECADE of my life. Only to find out he never stopped. I had to leave my cheater to gain a life. Life is soooooooooo much better now. ((hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 (((ShatteredLady))) make new memories. memories that aren't attached to your marriage or husband - but to you or your friend, children... someone new. ^^^This right here! Start focusing on you sweetie. The words that you read are between two very sick people and you are deserving of more than that While they may have been important to your WS and the AP they are not important to you so please try to let their 'filth' go. That is what they are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. I do, indeed! Like when one is in Carlton Cards (or the grocery store) and a really good song -- but the creepy muzak version of it -- comes on, and you start bawling in the middle of the store like some lunatic...because it used to mean something special? (That really happened to me.) I think. For some of it, you just have to reassert your own meaning; reclaim your own phrase for your own self and your friend. "When *I* call my friend 'Lovely Lady' it is because of this, this and this ABOUT HER. It's about her and how I feel about her, and that's just all there is to it." Same with books, movies and so on. Reinforce the original meaning that these things held for you. I had to do the same with some fragrances (coconut suntan lotion -- or in my Pina Colada), mostly because they're just unavoidable, really. Certainly it would be better if I could just create a new language and do away with ALL the (many, many) songs and places and even the things on our "things we'll do together"-list. But, my Plan B is to just make it all mean something different so that it stops being such a trigger. (Haven't bawled to any muzak numbers for a while, I'm happy to report .) Many, many hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 When your partner has cheated & you've read some of their correspondence how do you stop all the words & phrases he used with her being triggers? I was writing to my friend last night. I've always called her "Lovely Lady". My husband obviously found that nice so he used it as his term of endearment with his mistress. I'd usually write "Night, night lovely lady" at the end of a message. Last night I had a panic attack, could hardly breath, burst into tears as I realized I couldn't bring myself to write it! He's trying. He's talking about date night & special things we can do. He made a joke about getting a little "hot & excited" when talking about massage oils...problem is he said the same thing to HER a couple of weeks ago! I know I need to get over this. They're 'just' words but it hurts so much I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. He sent her a couple of my favorite CD's - Can I ever listen to them again? He sent her kids my favorite books by my favorite kids author. I loved reading those books & watching the movie with my kids! Ugh! This is so hard. How do you just carry-on as if none of its ever happened? I'm trying not to throw-up & burst into tears just writing this. Does anyone understand? I can't silence my brain. Yes. Many of us do. Those words that have represented special moments in time for you have been used to abuse the privilege of intimacy in your marriage and family life. Your husband needs to understand how incredibly painful that is for you. He had absolutely no business removing those intimacies from you and sharing them with a third party. But as has been mentioned here, those triggers can be turned around by creating new and positive associations, and with time and sensitivity, you will hopefully find joy in those words again. I'm so sorry, this is such an awful time, but believe me, it will get better with time. Wishing you brighter days in the future, and a decent nights sleep every now and then. My thoughts to you. Cuckoo x Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShatteredLady Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Genuinely, sincerely thank you! I'm doubting my own sanity & knowing that my feelings aren't "pathetic" or "drama queen" means more than you will ever know. I used to doubt the sincerity on online words. Becoming involved in forums & making very real friendships has given me so much. I'm so completely & utterly isolated in the USA. You have helped me more than you can imagine (I hope you know) I've been so close to the edge ive frightened myself. You are truly life savers. That sounds so dramatic! It's very real. I wish I wasn't this woman in this place. I wish so many things...ugh! Just, Thank You! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Genuinely, sincerely thank you! I'm doubting my own sanity & knowing that my feelings aren't "pathetic" or "drama queen" means more than you will ever know. I used to doubt the sincerity on online words. Becoming involved in forums & making very real friendships has given me so much. I'm so completely & utterly isolated in the USA. You have helped me more than you can imagine (I hope you know) I've been so close to the edge ive frightened myself. You are truly life savers. That sounds so dramatic! It's very real. I wish I wasn't this woman in this place. I wish so many things...ugh! Just, Thank You! why do you have to keep quiet about ANYTHING? It's too early for any sucking it up and getting over any of it. It is still time to confront, ask why he did those things, and cry or better yet, vomit on his shoes when triggering on these issues..... Hide nothing and share everything. he HAS TO be a PARTNER in your healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 He made a joke about getting a little "hot & excited" when talking about massage oils...problem is he said the same thing to HER a couple of weeks ago! I know I need to get over this. If this just happened a few weeks ago, it's too soon for you to decide anything - including whether you should get over it. Take some time to be angry. You've earned it... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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