clewless Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 I am under a lot of stress now, and am single, and really need a hug - a deep, not intimate, but meaningful hug… I know most men (and women) use sex to get this connection, and that a lot of men that go see prostitutes actually just want some kind of physical connection, not necessarily sex (…but that is another thread and I do not want to go to a prostitute, nor have a massage, and was wondering how other men (or women) cope without comforting human touch - what are some things I can do alone to try and replace that nurturing, human replenishment you get from a nice, long hug? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Tell one of your friends that you need a hug. I hug my friends all the time when they need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clewless Posted August 7, 2015 Author Share Posted August 7, 2015 Tell one of your friends that you need a hug. I hug my friends all the time when they need it. Thanks I wish I could... I'm taking care of my elderly, sick father at his home for a while and don't know anyone here Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Tough question. Depends on your social group. Back when I was younger, fuggetabout getting hugs and emotional support from men. It simply didn't happen. It does happen more now. That was part of why I had female friends when I was single. I went through some of what you're talking about when caregiving, even though I was married. My exW distanced herself due to the type of mental illness involved so I was left hugging a pillow sometimes. It was kind of like that 'Finding Nemo' movie; hug the pillow and think happy thoughts. Funny thing about mental illness. Everyone disappears. Oh, well. The lesson in it is, now that friends are getting ill and dying off, I make a different choice than they did, and don't disappear, since I know that loneliness. Life teaches lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 This is why having real female friends is a good thing. FWB may be better, but having a true friendship with them should be the basis of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clewless Posted August 7, 2015 Author Share Posted August 7, 2015 Yes, hugs (or FWB would be best, but I don't know anyone here, and to be honest, even if I were home, I would feel 'guilty' just asking a female friend for a long, deep hug - it feels like I would be 'draining' their energy with my 'needs'... I know good friends might do it anyway, but I was hoping to find some more 'self-reliant' way - like "carhill" said in Finding Nemo (i've never seen it) they hug a pillow and think happy thoughts... I need things I can do alone like that Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 haha, I got my terminology wrong, it's actually 'Find a happy place!' I think, during the time, I morphed a lot of things into a form of security blanket. Dealing with psychosis was sometimes overwhelming. However, during that time I also ran into an unlikely ally amongst the army of disappearing people; the wife an employee of my best friend. She was dealing with an elderly person, grandparent, so we kind of commiserated. Purely platonic and, nowadays, years later, if anyone talks any shyte about her, they have to deal with me. Heh. IMO, as long as you have healthy boundaries, you should be OK. Being single, it's a bit less of a minefield. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 How about giving your dad a hug. What you might need is a dog. Not a cat. They're unreliable huggers. Dogs fill that role for me quite well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Dogs are great. Cuddle buddies are great if you can find one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bubberfly Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 You never mentioned whom you preferred a hug from. I volunteer at an old folks home for maybe an hour a week. I hug many many people there, sometimes they are the initiators, sometimes I am. I always makes them so happy, the same thing, it's an intimate connection that they don't get from their friends or families anymore, and it's in no way sexual. I also volunteer at a library one hour a week and get many many cute cuddle hugs from kids when I read to them. If church is your thing, go to a church on a Sunday service. I promise if you tell a nice looking someone your situation and tell them you could just really use a hug, they will. Hugs are out there for those who ask for them. You know, as long as you aren't all creepy about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clewless Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 I have friends at home I could hug, and would love to have a dog, but am renting... but what I was curious about was other ways to 'feel' hugged when you can't get a hug from anyone (as I am caring for my father in his home, where I do not know anyone, and can't really just go out and leave him) So, for example... I really like the idea of hugging a pillow, (and would love a hot bath, but he doesn't have one) or something else I can do all alone to feel 'loved' and supported and nurtured so I can replenish the energy I am giving my ungrateful, abusive father Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 I am under a lot of stress now, and am single, and really need a hug - a deep, not intimate, but meaningful hug… I know most men (and women) use sex to get this connection, and that a lot of men that go see prostitutes actually just want some kind of physical connection, not necessarily sex (…but that is another thread and I do not want to go to a prostitute, nor have a massage, and was wondering how other men (or women) cope without comforting human touch - what are some things I can do alone to try and replace that nurturing, human replenishment you get from a nice, long hug? I've gone back to using drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Heh, probably shouldn't be funny (I chuckled when thinking of it) but there was a particularly low point where I started taking the same anti-psychotics I was giving the patient I was caregiving for. No substitute for a hug though. However, when good moments arose, there was some satisfaction of connecting through words and hugs in that way. That aligns with some advice another member had shared, hugging your father. When he's gone, those opportunities end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clewless Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 Yes, I know... we've never been the hugging sort of relationship - and I also don't get what I need from him in a hug... I need more feminine, nurturing, caring energy - that is what I find hard to get by yourself when you are a man Link to post Share on other sites
Author clewless Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 I've gone back to using drugs. Lol! I shouldn't laugh, but last time I had to take care of him once before, I seriously wanted some heroin to just 'drop-out' and go someplace else... I hope you're honestly not using drugs in place of a hug! I am sure there are better things for you than that Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 the best hugs come from children, honestly. i don't have any myself, but at times when i felt down and needed that human contact/hug, it would often come in the form of a child who just grabs on to your legs, your neck, etc. children are extremely spontaneous that way and will often just give hugs to strangers for absolutely no reason. i used to work with preschoolers as part of my job and you'd have to pry some of them off you at times. go find a child to hug you - seriously. do you have a friend with a child? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Hey, good line - hugs, not drugs Yeah, I get you on the 'feminine energy' thing but, really, that's sex when you boil it down. If you were gay, a man's hug would feel the same way. Nothing wrong with wanting sex though. Normal human condition. Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 - seriously. do you have a friend with a child? That is one of the silliest, and more alarming, things I've heard this week. Please come to my house and ask to see my child for a hug. Without affection the human spirit can dim and even wither. Take a shower, look very presentable, and make a sign "FREE HUGS" and stand somewhere busy. I do have a certain understanding for your plight. I work overseas so are long stents where I don't even have a conversation with anyone else, let alone a woman. Affection is very limited, and I'm a hippy people-hugger by nature. I adore hugs and the much studied positive effects. I hug everyone, men, women, and even dogs.. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 That is one of the silliest, and more alarming, things I've heard this week. Please come to my house and ask to see my child for a hug. Without affection the human spirit can dim and even wither. Take a shower, look very presentable, and make a sign "FREE HUGS" and stand somewhere busy. I do have a certain understanding for your plight. I work overseas so are long stents where I don't even have a conversation with anyone else, let alone a woman. Affection is very limited, and I'm a hippy people-hugger by nature. I adore hugs and the much studied positive effects. I hug everyone, men, women, and even dogs.. you don't sound very affectionate. and i'm serious. he could go to his friends house and sit and read with a kid - they snuggle with you while you read to them. he could go to a friends house and take a walk with their kid and hold their hand. how is that alarming? lol. you don't have kids, obviously and don't see various ways he could get affection other than a hug. he did say he was open to warm baths, and a dog, etc. perhaps read all the posts before you reply? Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 you don't sound very affectionate. and i'm serious. he could go to his friends house and sit and read with a kid - they snuggle with you while you read to them. he could go to a friends house and take a walk with their kid and hold their hand. how is that alarming? lol. you don't have kids, obviously and don't see various ways he could get affection other than a hug. he did say he was open to warm baths, and a dog, etc. perhaps read all the posts before you reply? You're telling a grown-ass man to seek the attention and affection of a child (someone else's child) and i'm the odd-ball. Nice. lmao. I'm extremely affectionate, probably more than most. Just not with other people's kids. just weeeeeird to even say that. OP: go snuggle other people's kids. lmao. (edit) i don't have kids, i have a bunch of neices and nephews, and if ANY adult wanted to take them on a walk and hold their hand because they're lacking the attention/affection from other adults, i'd.... not let that happen. and nor would my siblings. weirdweridweird. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 You're telling a grown-ass man to seek the attention and affection of a child (someone else's child) and i'm the odd-ball. Nice. lmao. I'm extremely affectionate, probably more than most. Just not with other people's kids. just weeeeeird to even say that. OP: go snuggle other people's kids. lmao. (edit) i don't have kids, i have a bunch of neices and nephews, and if ANY adult wanted to take them on a walk and hold their hand because they're lacking the attention/affection from other adults, i'd.... not let that happen. and nor would my siblings. weirdweridweird. you've never heard of babysitting? people take care of friends' kids all the time when they go out. what hole do you live in? Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 You're telling a grown-ass man to seek the attention and affection of a child (someone else's child) and i'm the odd-ball. Nice. lmao. I'm extremely affectionate, probably more than most. Just not with other people's kids. just weeeeeird to even say that. OP: go snuggle other people's kids. lmao. (edit) i don't have kids, i have a bunch of neices and nephews, and if ANY adult wanted to take them on a walk and hold their hand because they're lacking the attention/affection from other adults, i'd.... not let that happen. and nor would my siblings. weirdweridweird. I don't have any kids and have had a really rough time recently. Marriage breakdown, moving, imminent death of a parent, bad accident where I was hit by a car on my bike and my car was broken into over the weekend. All on the space of four months. Without question, the joy, happiness and unsolicited affection of my friends children lifts my spirits. The hugs are given freely when I spend time with the family. I don't have that same "skin hunger" that the OP may be describing but without question spending time with young kids (that I know, not talking randoms here) is one of the most genuinely happy experiences. Not odd ball at all. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 would love to have a dog, but am renting... Can you volunteer at an animal shelter? Those dogs would like affection too. Link to post Share on other sites
Pancake Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 If you're really desperate (and I mean really desperate) take a card board and write 'FREE HUGS' on it and then walk around. Or go to a shelter and cuddle some doggies Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I'd feel really awkward hugging some random child, unless they were in a panic or despair, like they were lost or hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
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