meadow5 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 So, I had posted here a while ago describing my husband's "hobby" of taking pictures and videos of random women and some of his female coworkers. To make a long story short, I have decided to divorce him. To write about all that has transpired in our relationship in the past 9 years it would require multiple posts. I am tired, hurt, disappointed, and burdened beyond words. Aside from his perversion in regards to picture taking, we also have an issue with him keeping a job. When we got married 3 year ago, he was unemployed. In fact, he asked me to marry him a couple of months after he lost his job. We had to sell the townhome we lived in because we could no longer afford to pay for it on my salary alone, even though he has a lot of savings in the bank that could have easily paid for the mortgage for at least 3-4 years. But instead, he wanted to sell the townhome and we moved in with his parents, as newlyweds. We lived with them for 2 years. We just moved out two months ago and are now renting a place. We were able to move out because I got a better job that pays more. Again, he has never touched his savings to help at all. In this time of three years of marriage, and during the time of us living with his parents which as you can imagine was far from ideal, he received three job offers in his field. Started the job and one to two days later quit the job. This just happened again, yesterday. He went on an interview earlier this week, got the job, and started complaining about it every minute. Yesterday, he acted as though he hated me, slept on the couch, and is not speaking to me because I told him how important it is for our future that he keep this job. I believe he has already quit. I simply cannot live like this anymore. I feel as though he wants to sit home, watch TV, take pictures, while I work to support the both of us. And at the same time, I have to keep my mouth shut and not question him about anything. In fact, yesterday he told me that I should never talk to him about his job or ask him any questions about it. I said "but I am your wife and partner. How can we make a life together if we can't talk about important things like finances and money?" He said" "Well, maybe I'm not the right partner for you then". I really cannot do this anymore. I am so unhappy and disappointed. I have a good career and I am 40 years old. I still have time in my life to enjoy it, and I feel that if I stay I will be staying in misery. Please help me... 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak and disappointment. It's never easy ending a relationship no matter how long or short and I commend you for taking stock of your life and realizing what is best for YOU. Continue to post here as you transition out and into your new life. We're here to support you. Hugs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 To make a long story short, I have decided to divorce him. Smartest. Decision. Ever. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Oh dear. I'm so sorry for your sadness and I really didn't mean to upset you in your other thread. Your H is very selfish by placing the whole financial burden on you like this. He clearly has no idea what marriage is about. It sounds like it's been 3 not so happy years of marriage with him lacking the maturity for an adult relationship. You have made the right decision. All I'd say is that you should put the whole experience down to an error of judgement . People fool us as to who they really are and often we want to make it work to avoid the appearance of the marriage being a failure. You can't change his ways, he's not likely to change anytime soon and while he'll struggle to find another woman to tolerate him and his perversion, you'll be just fine. Just take it one day at a time, but don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 " "Well, maybe I'm not the right partner for you then". I really cannot do this anymore. I am so unhappy and disappointed. I have a good career and I am 40 years old. I still have time in my life to enjoy it, and I feel that if I stay I will be staying in misery. Please help me... A relationship goes both ways, you can't do all the work yourself. His comment was childish and mean, best to move on and work on YOU. You've only got one shot at life, its in your hands to pursue happiness or live in misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meadow5 Posted August 8, 2015 Author Share Posted August 8, 2015 I really feel detached from him. I also have this to mention. He wants us to move out of state next year. The reason? He hates the state we live in. For years he has wanted a lake house, a boat, and jet skis. Don't ask me why. He said he loves these things and has wanted to live on a lake his whole life. My situation is this: My family is all here, I have a great job that I have worked towards for years with lots of hard work, and its a lucrative position. He expects me to leave all that behind to move with him to another state. Now, how does he expect to pay for all of this? The money he has in the bank is not going to pay for all of it. I believe that he expects me to pay for things. Because based on how flippantly he leaves one job after the other, how is he working towards his goal of a nice house? He does nothing to contribute. And this morning, we talked. He turned it completely around telling me that the core problem is that I don't have faith in his ability to make good decisions. So, I asked him: "So, the problem here is not that you leave every job that is offered. The problem is that I don't trust your judgements? How can I". He told me that its terrible that I, as his spouse, don't have any faith in him. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. He totally turned it around and made it seem liek I am to blame! I do not understand him at all. But I realize now, after spending almost a decade of my life with this person, that I need to leave and not waste another decade. And to top off the professional issues he has, you all know his perversions too. I cannot put up with this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Meadow, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It honestly sounds like you will be much better off on your own anyway and many of us - me included - have completely re-invented ourselves in our 40s and found love again. There is someone out there for you who will treat you much better than this guy who seems to be a giant leech. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I applaud your decision for divorce. There's something very wrong about your husband and if he claims to love you, appears to not understand the definition of love. Love doesn't mean, only love yourself, disregarding all others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I am sorry that you had to put up with your situation, I'm proud of your courage and I know you'll make a much happier future for yourself! Take care, and best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 For years he has wanted a lake house, a boat, and jet skis. Don't ask me why. He said he loves these things and has wanted to live on a lake his whole life. My situation is this: My family is all here, I have a great job that I have worked towards for years with lots of hard work, and its a lucrative position. He expects me to leave all that behind to move with him to another state. Now, how does he expect to pay for all of this? The money he has in the bank is not going to pay for all of it. I believe that he expects me to pay for things. Of course he does. Someone needs to pay the bills while he does nothing all day. Someone has to buy him his 'dream house' so he can enjoy living on the lake while pursuing his 'photography' hobby. I do not understand him at all. You don't need to understand someone this delusional. As my mom always told me, 'don't try to rationalize the irrational.' And I need to repeat myself as well with respect to your decision to divorce: Best. Decision. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meadow5 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 So, my husband just sent an email to the job he kept for three days, officially resigning. I was cleaning and I noticed he was typing an email. I asked him what he was doing and he showed me. Now he is looking at movie trailers. I just feel like taking some things and leaving right now and go to my parents house for the night. I simply cannot be around him. He DOESN'T CARE!!! Not one bit about my feelings. He was calculating earlier how much money I will be making each month. This is not the first relationship that I have been in where I have been taken advantage of, I just didn't expect it from someone I married. I don't know why. I guess because he wasn't like this when I first married him. Then again, while we were dating we always split things down the middle. He never ever paid for me. I am such a FOOL. I should have known then what this would turn into. I am so hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Should Not Married Him (or any loser) Three Years Ago At All :laugh::laugh::laugh: Anyway, be serious, you are in your 40's already, not 24 y/o, so do the math and do things best serving for you. Smartest. Decision. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 It's ok to be hurt. Stay with that, for a while by yourself, and put it in perspective. It's appropriate to feel that way... He's hurting you. Now take that hurt, perspective, and burgeoning anger to help propel you through this. With dignity. He does NOT deserve you and you don't deserve to feel this way. The best way to do something difficult is to begin. Good luck, strong woman. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Why are you waiting? Pack and leave.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Why are you waiting? Pack and leave.... Totes, just leave. This guy is a creep, and lazy, and a moocher. He doesn't have any redeemable qualities that would outweigh his deficiencies. How old is he, btw? When you first posted I thought you both were in your 20s because the picture thing seemed something so juvenile, and he mentioned he had been doing it since high school. To think this guy has potentially been creeping on ladies for the last 20 years + makes it all the more disturbing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 He is a selfish childish man who does not have any clue about love, relationship, responsibility and commitment ... He is a lazy boy who is lucky to find you. To him you are not a partner, you are part of what he owns, his dream house, happiness by the lake, a wife who works to pay for everything... Believe me he will not believe it when you leave him. You are part of things he thinks he is entitled to. He thinks he will sit down and you will take care of him. He will be surprised when you leave him. Divorce him he is not good for you. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meadow5 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 He is 41 years old. He's turning 42 this year. Now he is telling me he can go work as an aid in a school and tutor on the side a few days a week and that he would be making the same money working as a full time teacher. (He is a teacher by trade). So, now he is not saying he doesn't want to work. He wants to work, but only in an environment that would work for him. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 He is 41 years old. He's turning 42 this year. Now he is telling me he can go work as an aid in a school and tutor on the side a few days a week and that he would be making the same money working as a full time teacher. (He is a teacher by trade). So, now he is not saying he doesn't want to work. He wants to work, but only in an environment that would work for him. It really doesn't matter at this point. He's not a partner to you - he's a mooch that needs you to keep allowing him to mooch off of you. Just move today. Be done with it and make sure you separate everything. He can pay his own way. You need to take care of yourself! Don't pay one more dime to help him stay unemployed. Whatever he says doesn't matter! His inactions have shown you he's not a guy who is a partner. He can only continue taking advantage of you IF you allow it - so stop allowing it. I would move and quit communicating with him - I'd file for divorce as soon as possible. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Well that’s interesting. (eyeroll) A new hook. Don’t be surprised by additional scrambling and attempts to keep you invested and engaged. He’s losing his host and he will probably sense your growing detachment. There’s this divorce financial planning software that is worth taking a look at, called “finplan.” Also, there are people who are trained and certified in divorce financial analysis- usually MUCH cheaper than attorneys and they give answers that divorce lawyers often don’t, and can show you projected outcomes with different variables. https://www.institutedfa.com Personally, I don’t have a lot of respect for the divorce bar in general because too many family law lawyers (not all, but too many) profit from conflict and emotionality, and either consciously or subconsciously fans flames to fill their pockets, or pretend that emotionality is inevitable. But it isn’t inevitable. Keep your eye on practicality and your own best financial interest in the long run. That would be nice if that teaching thing worked out for him, but it is probably just a ploy to keep you hooked and paying his way for the next… I don’t know… maybe 10 months or so? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Consider this: the more chances you give him and the longer you stay together, the more likely he may be entitled to some sort of alimony while he gets on his feet. I think you may have an argument of him purposely going underemployed, but it really is difficult to say in divorce matters. Also, when you speak with a lawyer ask about how to protect your 401k or any retirement you may have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 ... and obtain records of the savings he has stashed away. Think you may be entitled to a piece of that. Oh yes. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Is there a prenup in place? Have you asked him to start spending that money he's set aside? Why do you have to provide both of you the lifestyle and him not contribute? He should be contributing as much as you! Whether he's employed or not - he should cough up at least half! And his fetish - that's creepy and not right! Completely invasive to others and downright awful! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 He is 41 years old. He's turning 42 this year. Now he is telling me he can go work as an aid in a school and tutor on the side a few days a week and that he would be making the same money working as a full time teacher. (He is a teacher by trade). So, now he is not saying he doesn't want to work. He wants to work, but only in an environment that would work for him. So he can get new creepy stalker type pictures of new women? He doesn't want to work, but he doesn't want you leaving and taking your money with you even more. This is not a husband. This is a parasite. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Consider this: the more chances you give him and the longer you stay together, the more likely he may be entitled to some sort of alimony while he gets on his feet. I think you may have an argument of him purposely going underemployed, but it really is difficult to say in divorce matters. Also, when you speak with a lawyer ask about how to protect your 401k or any retirement you may have. Yup, this. In most states for marriages less than 10 years, alimony is granted for about half the length of the marriage. Get out ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 This is not a husband. This is a parasite. Either that or a tumor. A particularly nasty one like an astroblastoma. Meadow, you'd be well rid of this guy. Are you taking any steps to do that? Talk to a lawyer yet? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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