"I Admit It: I'm A Serial Cheater"

[SammySammy]

I Admit It: I'm A Serial Cheater

 

Interesting article from Esquire magazine. The link to the full article is given above.

 

Excerpt:

I never thought I'd be a cheater. Never. But I've been married twice and cheated on both spouses. I'

m

not proud of it, though I've always owned up to it. It starts with an emotional affair, usually by meeting someone who really sparks my interest in a way no one else has. But the fact that I even have my eyes open to this interest is a result of an unmet emotional or sexual need in my core relationship. This is why I cheat.

 

I got married the first time at 23, which for me was way too young, but all my other friends were married and I was with a good guy who made me laugh. I had always heard that you should marry your best friend,

so

I did. It was a huge mistake. I missed the part about how you should also be in love with that person and have more than just a passing sexual attraction for them.

 

The first time I cheated I fell in love with someone else. My marriage was not at all what I thought it would be – what is a "wife" anyway? – and I was over the whole thing by the first anniversary. Our divorce was final a year later. He wasn't at fault and didn't do anything wrong, I just knew he wasn't the right person for me. There was zero sexual chemistry and I wasn't in love with him. When I met the other man, I immediately knew that my feelings for him were what I should have been feeling in my marriage. We waited until I was divorced to have sex, but the emotional affair began almost as soon as we met.

 

I married that man at 27, and more than a decade later, we're separated for the second time.

 

I've cheated on him several times, separated for a few months and tried out other relationships, got back together and was "good" for a while, only to end up cheating again. In this case, everything about our relationship was amazing – we communicated well, loved and supported each other, were best friends, and had each other's back. But the sexual relationship died years ago. It was limping along when we got married and died a slow death over time. Our sexual appetites were very different. He's fine with twice a year. I'

m

more of a twice-a-week girl. We've talked about it, ****ed about it, gotten counseling about it, and nothing has changed for more than a few weeks at a time. There was rejection after rejection, nights of crying myself to sleep, depression, and straight up giving up on it. And this was when I was being good.

 

 

Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?

[mrldii]

I don't understand why - if someone realizes and/or is comfortable with the fact that they can NOT remain monogamous - they don't simply engage with others who also want an open relationship/marriage.

 

It's almost *like* someone who acknowledges this about themselves but still gets together with others who are seeking/expecting monogamy,

 

actually gets off on the pain and emotional turmoil they put their partner through, all the while professing they 'don't mean to hurt' them, and they 'really, truly DO love them'.

 

 

I just don't get it. Can't/don't wanna be faithful? Then stop pretending you can/will.

 

 

Easy, really.

[drifter777]

Do you have kids? How's your relationship with your father? Have you experienced sexual abuse in your life?

[elaine567]

I don't understand why - if someone realizes and/or is comfortable with the fact that they can NOT remain monogamous - they don't simply engage with others who also want an open relationship/marriage.

 

It's almost *like* someone who acknowledges this about themselves but still gets together with others who are seeking/expecting monogamy,

 

actually gets off on the pain and emotional turmoil they put their partner through, all the while professing they 'don't mean to hurt' them, and they 'really, truly DO love them'.

 

 

I just don't get it. Can't/don't wanna be faithful? Then stop pretending you can/will.

 

 

Easy, really.

 

I think serial cheaters like to cheat and often there are little consequences of the cheating, because they are hardly invested in their core relationship anyway.

I think they choose straight down the middle people to cheat on because, they do not want their partner to cheat on them, they are the one out there doing the cheating, the partner stays at home besotted, that is what they like.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't understand why - if someone realizes and/or is comfortable with the fact that they can NOT remain monogamous - they don't simply engage with others who also want an open relationship/marriage.

 

It's almost *like* someone who acknowledges this about themselves but still gets together with others who are seeking/expecting monogamy,

 

actually gets off on the pain and emotional turmoil they put their partner through, all the while professing they 'don't mean to hurt' them, and they 'really, truly DO love them'.

 

 

I just don't get it. Can't/don't wanna be faithful? Then stop pretending you can/will.

 

 

Easy, really.

 

AMEN! This is precisely how I feel as well.

 

At the very least, if you're going to be a serial cheater then OWN IT for f*ck sake (aka transparency).

 

I'd have far more respect for someone who can admit they're a tramp then someone who pretends to be something they're not.

[SammySammy]

The thing that struck me about the article was how entitled she feels. If she doesn't get everything she wants from a person, she's going to find another person. And another, and another ....

 

It's an unrealistic expectation because no one person can fulfill all of our needs. The perpetual search for that person or ideal situation is futile and I believe it's what makes today's relationships so difficult.

 

I'm not saying people don't deserve to be fulfilled in their relationships. We do. I just think we need to take a closer look at what makes a successful and functional relationship.

 

We also need to be honest with ourselves and others when we're not suitable for relationships.

[mrldii]

I think serial cheaters like to cheat and often there are little consequences of the cheating, because they are hardly invested in their core relationship anyway.

I think they choose straight down the middle people to cheat on because, they do not want their partner to cheat on them, they are the one out there doing the cheating, the partner stays at home besotted, that is what they like.

 

I agree...but that's what I don't get.

 

When talking about self-described and self-assessed serial cheaters (not just someone who cheated), one would think this self-absorbed, lack-of-investment-in-the-core-relationship, and selfish ways of thinking would be evident in other matters...not just in their ability to remain faithful, and so the partner would have shied away from them in the beginning stages of a relationship.

 

Of course, I can only base it on personal experience; I've been in 4 serious relationships and in none of them was cheating an issue. Two of the men were family-loving, homebody types and two were *playas*, who enjoyed dating and sharing the company of many women, simultaneously. All knew that - once in a mutually-exclusive relationship - I expected fidelity...and would leave instantly if I discovered/suspected they were cheating...even if it was *only* an emotional affair.

 

Any man who showed signs of the ability to cheat never made it to an exclusive relationship with me...hence, the reason I've only had 4 and none of them ever cheated.

 

There have got to be other signs, besides finally 'catching 'em in bed with someone else' that would indicate you're dealing with this type of hedonistic narcissist,

 

no?

[aliveagain]

Divorce your husband, find a man that is bisexual and enjoys sharing you with other men, your own cuckold. You need to be honest with your future husband before you marry him not after you start cheating on him.

[Woggle]

I don't understand why - if someone realizes and/or is comfortable with the fact that they can NOT remain monogamous - they don't simply engage with others who also want an open relationship/marriage.

 

It's almost *like* someone who acknowledges this about themselves but still gets together with others who are seeking/expecting monogamy,

 

actually gets off on the pain and emotional turmoil they put their partner through, all the while professing they 'don't mean to hurt' them, and they 'really, truly DO love them'.

 

 

I just don't get it. Can't/don't wanna be faithful? Then stop pretending you can/will.

 

 

Easy, really.

 

Very true. What is so hard about just being honest if you can't stay with just one person?

[elaine567]

I agree...but that's what I don't get.

 

When talking about self-described and self-assessed serial cheaters (not just someone who cheated), one would think this self-absorbed, lack-of-investment-in-the-core-relationship, and selfish ways of thinking would be evident in other matters...not just in their ability to remain faithful, and so the partner would have shied away from them in the beginning stages of a relationship.

 

Of course, I can only base it on personal experience; I've been in 4 serious relationships and in none of them was cheating an issue. Two of the men were family-loving, homebody types and two were *playas*, who enjoyed dating and sharing the company of many women, simultaneously. All knew that - once in a mutually-exclusive relationship - I expected fidelity...and would leave instantly if I discovered/suspected they were cheating...even if it was *only* an emotional affair.

 

Any man who showed signs of the ability to cheat never made it to an exclusive relationship with me...hence, the reason I've only had 4 and none of them ever cheated.

 

There have got to be other signs, besides finally 'catching 'em in bed with someone else' that would indicate you're dealing with this type of hedonistic narcissist,

 

no?

Not sure, but I guess someone who can manipulate others into sleeping with them despite their "married" marital status, is probably pretty good at playing a part.

OR they choose people with poor boundaries or with co dependent personalities, or weak and vulnerable people who will turn a blind eye or naive people who would never dream they would ever betray them.

 

I also think hot or desirable or wealthy or successful people can get away with murder too.

[autumnnight]

In addition to the ginormous flaw of cheating, it sounds like she has a bad picked too. Sex is obviously important to her, and she keeps marrying people who could care less about it. Then instead of divorcing she just cheats.

 

One of the main reasons I would be skittish about marrying again would be because I don't wanna risk being legally bound to a man who won't touch me. Surely she could figure that out too.

 

Oh, and btw, Midnight linked an ARTICLE. He's not the cheater

[DKT3]

In addition to the ginormous flaw of cheating, it sounds like she has a bad picked too. Sex is obviously important to her, and she keeps marrying people who could care less about it. Then instead of divorcing she just cheats.

 

One of the main reasons I would be skittish about marrying again would be because I don't wanna risk being legally bound to a man who won't touch me. Surely she could figure that out too.

 

Oh, and btw, Midnight linked an ARTICLE. He's not the cheater

 

 

I don't know, maybe its no mistake she gets into relationships with semi asexual men. Gives her the comfort and social status of marriage and the excuse to bang other guys.

[Davey L]

When you start an affair and then embark on a new relationship you always think that she is "the one", she's perfect and you can't imagine ever cheating on her. That is why we continue to attempt monogamous relationships.

 

Nobody thinks when they start a new relationship that they'll cheat, instead we generally rationalise our past cheating and don't consider ourselves serial cheaters. Rather we think of the incidents as a number of separate one-offs, each rationalised away.

[autumnnight]

I don't know, maybe its no mistake she gets into relationships with semi asexual men. Gives her the comfort and social status of marriage and the excuse to bang other guys.

 

Not a fan of females are ya

 

I think she is so caught up in what feels new and exciting she doesn't think past tomorrow.

[DKT3]

Not a fan of females are ya

 

I think she is so caught up in what feels new and exciting she doesn't think past tomorrow.

 

What do you mean not a fan of females?

 

I'm saying she wants to be married for social reason, IE " all my friends were getting married" but what she wanted was to sleep with randos.

[autumnnight]

What do you mean not a fan of females?

 

I'm saying she wants to be married for social reason, IE " all my friends were getting married" but what she wanted was to sleep with randos.

 

If that's the case, then that is just extra selfish and calculating

[Artie Lang]

Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?

 

not really... like she says, she's a serial cheater and can't be trusted.

[No Limit]

I think people like her have deeper issues. However, in the future sane men will steer clear from her as soon as they know she's been divorced twice before her 30's.

[Mr. Lucky]

In addition to the ginormous flaw of cheating, it sounds like she has a bad picked too. Sex is obviously important to her, and she keeps marrying people who could care less about it. Then instead of divorcing she just cheats.

 

I also think the danger of revisionist history can also be in play here. Funny how many WS have zero sexual chemistry with their spouse as soon as they're sleeping with someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

I also think the danger of revisionist history can also be in play here. Funny how many WS have zero sexual chemistry with their spouse as soon as they're sleeping with someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's true, people who haven't gone months and years without sex sometimes lie about it

[gettingstronger]

I think its low self esteem disguised as bravado- my guess is someone that confuses sex with sexy- confuses being used with being needed-

 

For some- being married makes them "safe" for other marrieds to have an affair with- my best guess, she far less successful getting men when she is single-

 

None of it spells any kind of healthy person or long term lifestyle- we all get older- as someone said- married 2,3,5 X at 50 = not so sexy-

 

I remember someone saying to a friend kind of like this- hope you loved your 30s because your 40s look really lonely-

[AlwaysGrowing]

Often times...those that fall in love with the perfect person....over and over and over with different persons...are really just unhappy with who they are, or have accomplished in life.

 

Once they get the perfect person...it only serves to highlight their own shortcomings. So on to the next. They usually use passive-aggressive means to sever the old relationship...placing fault at the other persons feet. While exalting the perfect-ness of the new person. Only to find "wherever I go, there I am".

 

The same process/life choices get cycled through again.

 

We read about these folks often on here...who can't understand how at the age of 50+ they are still in the exact same place emotionally/financially/mentally that they were at when they were 20. That they still can not navigate their life with any wisdom/lessons learned/growth from one darn life experience. They point to the s%#$ that always worked for them...."the other guy".

[autumnnight]

I think its low self esteem disguised as bravado- my guess is someone that confuses sex with sexy- confuses being used with being needed-

 

Wow, this is very insightful. I think a LOT of people get stuck on this. I'll admit that after my sex starved marriage I had some trouble with this.

[gettingstronger]

Wow, this is very insightful. I think a LOT of people get stuck on this. I'll admit that after my sex starved marriage I had some trouble with this.

 

 

 

Maybe in their 20's but I would hope that experience teaches most people- I can see having this mindset in college and early career but beyond that it is time to address it, not write about it in some article like its a badge of honor-

[autumnnight]

Maybe in their 20's but I would hope that experience teaches most people- I can see having this mindset in college and early career but beyond that it is time to address it, not write about it in some article like its a badge of honor-

 

Sigh....I was not condoning HER choices. I was merely saying that after spending YEARS in a sex-starved marriage, I chose a person or two poorly thinking that because they desired me, they also cared about me.