how do i get full closure over my mom lying about my existence to her new family?

[ava81]

hi my name is ava and i'm currently 33 years old. my mother is korean and my father is black and he met her while station in korea. they married and moved to san francisco, california and had me and my brother.

 

my mother left when my brother was a little baby because she wanted to live her own life and came back and left finally for the last time. my dad left the military and we moved to maryland. she would check in with people to find out how i was doing. i saw her again when i was 13 years old, but the meeting was with other people and it felt really uncomfortable because she didn't seem to like how i looked, i was too big as she said.

 

throughout the years i would call her sister and ask if she knew where my mom was at, but she would always say i haven't talked to her. i don't believe that to be true at all and i think that they were covering for her.

 

in my late 20's i was able to track her down and she would call me every weekend, but then the phone calls slowed down. she told me about the other children she had. after a year or so of talking, she encouraged me to call other people and she told me how guilty she felt (i assumed for her leaving me).

 

right before she stopped texting me i found out i was pregnant, but i wanted to hit that 3 month mark before telling her, i reached out to her and she never responded back to me.

 

after my son was born i couldn't understand how my mother could leave me and it upset me so much. a couple of years later, i finally reached out to my half brother on facebook explaining to him who i was. i realized things were over between my mother and i, but i figured the truth should be made known to him and i wanted to get to know him.

 

my half brother is almost 18, so when he went to our mother she told them i was someone who wanted money and that she didn't have other children, etc, despite me providing pictures with her and i and telling him things about our side of the family that i stranger wouldn't know. i didn't have more proof than that, but now i have text messages from my mother and her friend acknowledging i am who i say i am. also, i have never asked for money from my mother, neither has my brother or father.

 

my mother panicked and did whatever she could to track me down and got a hold of me and told me not to talk to the other kids because they are too young to know and that she will tell them when they are much older and have children of their own.

 

i accept that my mother doesn't want to have a relationship with me, but she really burned my father badly and he didn't deserve it at all. my family and i lived in a car and in a shelter, despite all of this we never spoke badly of her.

 

i want to show my half brother that he is being lied to and that he has another brother. would it be bad if i did that by showing him the text messages? i don't want to bad mouth our mother to him, but i want to let him know there is other siblings who will be there for him and we would like to meet him someday if he is down for it. i really think my mom needs to own up to her wrong doings too.

 

please tell me what you think. if you have any questions feel free to ask.

[SallyU]

I don't think you will be able to coerce your mother into admitting her wrong doings. I can empathize with this.

 

 

She is either very deep in denial or so deep in guilt that she could not emotionally, at this point, accept the truth of her actions and behavior.

 

 

So that probably is something you will have to find a way to let go. It's not easy and it is a process but with practice and time you can move past it.

 

 

However I think you are free to reach out to your siblings. I would start the communication by leaving your mother out of it as much as possible.

 

 

Then if they do want to communicate with you get to know them and develop a relationship with them. Over time the truth will be revealed.

 

 

Talking too much about your mother will only raise red flags in their minds that perhaps what your mother says is true.

 

 

In other words, I think there is nothing to loose by taking this slowly and carefully with the long term goal being having a positive relationship with your other siblings.

 

 

Also, if you can seek out the help of a counselor that may be helpful too.

 

 

I wish you the best!

[preraph]

You can obtain your birth certificate naming your mother and keep that on hand to prove to siblings she is your mother. All you need to know is where you were born and get into that county records. You should have that anyway. You will need it sometime.

 

Look, your mother is a piece of crap. It has zero to do with you. It has nothing to do with if you are "too big" or any other thing. Chances are that your mother was simply a narcissistic opportunist looking out for herself at any cost. Get your birth certificate if you really want to get into her drama. If she raised those kids, they may not even have any empathy or be anyone you'd want to know. But you have a right to reach out them. I wouldn't be pushy, just show them your birth certificate and say you just wanted to let them know they had a sister. She is telling them you only want money, because that is probably all SHE ever wanted and why she did what she did and abandoned one family to take up with someone else.

 

You cannot resolve anything with a person like that. She is hopeless. You are not. So just realize this is your life and you put her behind you where she belongs. You might have been worse off with her in your life, honestly. So look at it that way and keep her out of your life, because remember SHE is the one who might show up wanting money sometime.

[ava81]

I don't want to be stupid about this situation anymore. I have spent too much brain power on this subject. I have briefly dealt with the other siblings asking to talk with one of them thru half sister and she told me to go away because he didn't know who I was. The other half sibling we talked back and forth in a decent chat conversation on facebook, but I think he was frustrated that our mom was lying to him and he called me a bitch and told me to meet him somewhere publicly if I was who I said I was. I told him that I couldn't meet him because I lived far away. I was actually sleeping when he initially sent the message.

 

I think he does believe me because my mom panicked one night asking me not to answer his phone call, months after he and I initially talked, but we haven't talked since then.

 

I know I have to let go of these people, but in my mind I worry my mom wins if I walk quietly.

[ava81]

Thank you two for responding to my post. Preraph, you were correct with everything you said regarding my mother and what you said about the way her kids could be. I became too emotionally invested in something that doesn't exist and in a place that I am not wanted.

 

I have held on so tight with wanting a mother that I am only hurting myself. I can only allow this to hurt me more if I let it.

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. It will take time to get past it but I will.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Spread as much stuff as you can on social media & by talking to relatives about your mom's 1st family. Pics of your birth certificate & her marriage & divorce docs should be posted, along with any wedding pics your dad has with her in it. She's probably racist at heart. Make her lose face by exposing her lies. She sounds like a cruel & heartless person. If she texts you, post screenshots showing her emotional blackmail. Use social media to your advantage. You wont change her, but might help other family members from getting hurt by her.

[SallyU]

I suggest you don't frame it as you being stupid. What you are trying to cope with is very complex and you are dealing with emotions not logic. Therefore you aren't being stupid, rather you are dealing with a very stupid situation of no fault of your own.

 

These situations, at various levels of insanity, with different people, will crop up through out your life, it doesn't get any better. So be gentle with yourself, to yourself because you still have a long road ahead.

 

In the end your Mom won't win, in fact she has already lost, lost a daughter who could have brought much joy into her life.

 

I would weigh carefully if it is worth pursuing this, especially if it will only disappoint and bring you down.

 

You've opened the door, IMHO all you can do now is wait to see if your siblings will walk through it.

 

Be careful if they bring too much toxicity into your life.

 

I know it's easy for me to type this out here and not so easy in practice but my life experience has taught me this.

 

"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time." ~ Maya Angelou

 

Blood does not always = ally in life.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

I don't want to be stupid about this situation anymore. I have spent too much brain power on this subject. I have briefly dealt with the other siblings asking to talk with one of them thru half sister and she told me to go away because he didn't know who I was. The other half sibling we talked back and forth in a decent chat conversation on facebook, but I think he was frustrated that our mom was lying to him and he called me a bitch and told me to meet him somewhere publicly if I was who I said I was. I told him that I couldn't meet him because I lived far away. I was actually sleeping when he initially sent the message.

 

I think he does believe me because my mom panicked one night asking me not to answer his phone call, months after he and I initially talked, but we haven't talked since then.

 

I know I have to let go of these people, but in my mind I worry my mom wins if I walk quietly.

[preraph]

Thank you two for responding to my post. Preraph, you were correct with everything you said regarding my mother and what you said about the way her kids could be. I became too emotionally invested in something that doesn't exist and in a place that I am not wanted.

 

I have held on so tight with wanting a mother that I am only hurting myself. I can only allow this to hurt me more if I let it.

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. It will take time to get past it but I will.

 

The people I've known who had bad parents finally found their peace by understanding that they can give themselves the kind of love and life they always hoped they could get from their parents. One friend in particular, she didn't have great modeling to have kids, so he did some therapy and took a parenting class to prepare herself to be a much better parent than her parents were. I think it really did help her and her now grown son.

 

You've got to stop trying to find a way to identify with and tether to this bad branch of your family. You can't find solace there. You are, however, in complete control of your own life and who you want to be and you must simply throw away any bad messages you received about yourself from your mother. She was unqualified to judge you. Let that go. You know who you are and you are a much better person with the capability of being whoever you want to be and you will find love and acceptance.

 

I think staying in contact with those kids would probably only hold you back anyway. They may be just as toxic as your mother.

[turnera]

Honestly, I'd be counting my blessings that I didn't grow up with her in my life. Your dad obviously raised you well. Think how messed up you'd have been having to deal with her selfishness and craziness. If anything, pity those poor kids who did have to grow up with her.

[ava81]

thank you to everyone for your response and being kind and sensitive to what i am going through. i have come back many times throughout the day to reread what everyone has written and i feel at peace.

 

i wasn't very detailed in my very first post with talking about the other siblings and the things that my mother has said to me since the beginning of this year. after letting everything sink in, it's best to cut ties completely. I feel as though even if the kids welcome me, which i doubt they would at this point, I will always feel like why am i not good enough to be apart of the family. based on what my mother has told me she does have issues with the kids not behaving well. after my mother saw current pictures of me she said that i look like my half sister she still brings up that san francisco has asian people and not that many black and mexican people. compared to my sister i'm slightly brown with curly hair, but everything else is the same.

 

 

when i contacted my half brother, his god mother was staying over there house and he went home and told her about what i said. even though she has been best friends with my mom for 20 years she never heard from my mother that i existed. her friend found me on facebook and friend requested me and after that my mother found me too. i think the she believed i was my mother's child because i had old pictures of my mother and i before she had plastic surgery for her eyes and because she had heard from someone years ago that my mother had a family she left. a couple of months later out of the blue her best friend texts me and asks me for my current picture so she can send it to my mother.

 

i ended up asking the lady how did you get my phone number and she wouldn't tell me. i'm guessing she snooped through my mom's stuff and found it. i asked if anyone gave her my cell number and she said no and it's not publicly listed anywhere on the net, not even my facebook page. the lady told my mom that she thinks that i miss her and my mom's response was not to worry about me and that you have your own issues to work out, her brother is in a coma. my mother called me and told me not to bother her friend. i never explained to my mom it was the other way around. i told her best friend what my mom said and she said that you can call me anytime for anything.

 

now after the lady and i have been texting for about 2 months she refuses to write back to me. one of the last things i wrote to her was that i didn't think my other likes me, so i was going to tell her not to ask my mom when she wants to visit me, but the lady said my mom loved me very much. my mother just last week in mid conversation in texting with her stops writing back to me when i asked if she had called her sister.

 

these two are on my facebook friends list. obviously something is going on. should i quietly delete them both? if it's wise to delete should a message be sent through? i'm ready to close this chapter, but i just want to do things the right way without torturing myself anymore.

[Snakechammah]

I feel so saddened by this story.

 

I have an adopted pet bird. One I raised since we found her 5 years ago, She was unable to eat, drink and so little. In a way, I am her foster mother. I love this little bird with all my heart and would protect her at any cost.

 

I cannot imagine, how it would feel, to carry a baby in your tummy for 9 months, deliver your child, and watch your child grow before your very eyes. A mother's love is eternal. If I had a child, I would do ANYTHING to protect and ensure the child grows up emotionally, physically and spriritually happy.

 

Your mom sounds like a monster. In fact, she does not even deserve the title of being called your mother. I am so sorry to read about your 'link' to this woman.

 

From your posts, you are just the opposite of her. Caring, sensitive, polite, accepting - please always stay that way. Please thank your dad for raising you well, and cherish him for always being there for you.

 

And that woman (I refuse to call her your mother), she is one of earth's pollution. SELFISH, self-entitled, HEARTLESS, superficial (plastic surgery? really??) - please just stay away from this toxic idiot and focus your beautiful life caring for your baby and being the BEST MOM that you can be.

 

Learn from her mistakes and live a life more fulfilling than hers.

 

I wish you all the best!

[SallyU]

On the FB thing....**(see note below)...

 

 

Trust your instincts. Be wary. If you sense there is negativity brewing then quietly unfriend them.

 

 

This is one of those situations where you have to choose your battles wisely.

 

 

Every battle leaves scars, some are worth it, some are not.

 

 

I'm a little further down the road of life then you and what I have learned the hard way is, especially if you are a positive person at heart, the battles drain your reserves.

 

 

So unless it's a direct attack on you or your child where you certainly have the right to defend yourself and child, consider carefully, guard your peace.

 

 

Another wise saying a friend told me once, "Cherish those who cherish you and screw the rest".

 

 

(**FB, I am so glad that wasn't around when I was younger. It opens the door to good but often, very often it also opens the door to negativity in one's life.)

 

 

I wish you peace. (((HUGS)))

Edited August 10, 2015 by SallyU

[anika99]

OP I don't really have any suggestions, I just want to say that I'm so sorry you got stuck with such an awful mother. She is a very selfish person who thinks only of her own best interests. You did nothing to warrant being rejected and abandoned by her. You deserved a loving caring mother just like every child does.

[SpiralOut]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I would figure out a way to tape record your phone conversation. Next time she calls you telling you to stop contacting other people, you can record it. She should be exposed. She's a pile of crap on the bottom of someone's shoe.

[Grumpybutfun]

Please allow me to tell you how deeply sorry I am that your biological mother is so selfish and boorish. My three children are all adopted from my wife's sister so I can understand how the internal struggles from something like this can wound a child. I have spent my life making sure they feel love and protected, giving them everything I possibly could and my youngest daughter is still a wounded little bird who craves her biological mother's love to the detriment to all the beautiful and good she already has in my wife as her mother. It is sad to know that someone as lovely as my wife could be sisters with a woman who abandoned her children while she destroyed her life with random men and drugs. It is devastating to me that their biological mother could choose abusive men and drugs over them.

There are no words for what you have to endure. It is not fair, but I'm in agreement that you sometimes just have to let go of toxic people. Have you talked to a professional about your feelings? Maybe a mentor or a spiritual guide? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who isn't directly involved. My children all received therapy and it helped them a great deal.

Just remember to look forward, if you look back you lose your focus in the people who were there for you and who did try their best to give you love and comfort. Now that you have a child, I'm sure you know that your mother is broken.....parents love their kids to the moon and back. There is nothing wrong with you. There is not one thing you could have done to keep her with you. Her issues aren't about you.

I hope you find peace with this. Your half siblings will come to you in time. Then you can compassionately and selectively share your life and your experiences with your siblings as you see fit.

Good luck,

Grumps