is this emotional abuse?

[beta alpha]

Hello everyone: I'm a new user to this forum - in fact, it's the first forum I've ever subscribed to. Anyway, I have a question about emotional abuse. I'm a 27 year old American female and have been in a wonderful relationship for about a year now. Up until recently, things have been going really well. We talk through each and every argument we have, or any other problems which arise. Both us have taken responsibility within the relationship for any faults, etc. and we're both also in counselling (separately) for our own issues.

 

However, I'm concerned about what happens when we fight. He does exhibit a kind of jekyll/hyde type behaviour in terms of his mood but he's never been violent - in fact, he doesn't even yell during our arguments. What I find difficult is that during our arguments, his bad side comes out and he tries to win at all costs. He has used some of my own issues against me, or has been 'brutally honest', and I sometimes feel like he's trying to control the situation. If he feels attacked he'll turn off his emotions and will sometimes make it seem like it's my fault. There was one time where I ended up breaking down completely and he was still ranting at me about something, rather than holding me. Later, he said he couldn't believe that he could be so uncaring.

 

That being said, whenever we have these arguments, he always breaks down and sometimes cries in the end, and always takes responsibility for his actions. Once the air has been cleared, I no longer feel as though it's my fault and he does apologize for things he's said or how he's worded them. HOwever, once the words have been said, it can't be reversed. I should mention that my parents were emotionally abusive, but I have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. My last boyfriend was great and completely emotionally stable but we broke up due to different career choices.

 

I've never felt so happy or compatible with anyone in my life before, but because of my sensitivity to emotional abuse (I've been in counselling for several years), I just want to be careful. He's good about admitting his faults, and he's even admitted during arguments that he's confused about himself because it seems as though he's blackmailing or playing games with me. Though I realize these admissions do not necessarily mean it's ok, I'm wondering if these examples of emotional abuse are signs that I should reconsider staying? I haven't approached this with him yet as I don't want to start being accusatory without really having good thought about it. I feel anxiety around the unpredictability of his moods, and since he's progressively shown his negative side during our fights, I am feeling a bit nervous.

 

In regards to his background, he's younger than me by a year and was bullied in school (which is why I think he has these jekyll/hyde characteristics sometimes). I just want to make sure there aren't early warning signs of an emotional abuse situation which will only get worse over time. I've been reading a lot of information about how abusers can seem as though they're working on issues, may even go to counselling, etc. but are really just trying to wittle you down bit by bit. I'm at a point now where I would definitely leave if it got worse, or if he ever tried to hit me. Anyway, this is a long query, but if anyone could help me, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

 

Christine

[HoldOn]

You might be overthinking this.

 

Can you remember exactly what he says during the fights. That might help us to understand whether there is a real problem or not.

[beta alpha]

wow, thanks for the prompt reply. i can't remember exactly what has been said, but a few times when he was feeling resentful, he would imply that i'm weak or that unable to be on my own. i realize these aren't 'serious' put downs, but it's the fact that he uses my insecurities and tries to 'win' all the time through controlling the arguments that i am worried about. at the beginning of our relationsihp he was also a bit unpredictable with his feelings, and he oscillates between being really good and really bad moods. Sometimes i feel cornered in our arguments, but what has made me stay this long is that he does apologize in the end. Do most abusers never apologize? thanks again...

[HoldOn]

I don't know how good my advise will be.

 

My bf twice yelled during arguments we were having. Not to me and not in my face. He'll like go to another room and say "damn it" or something. I told him that it scares me a little, and he apologized and said he'd try not to do it. I told him that it hurt me when he yelled, even though I knew he wasn't going to become violent or anything, I still didn't like it.

 

So, the only solution I have for you, is that you should talk to your bf about it. Not during an argument, but long afterward when things have calmed down and he's in a good mood. Be like, "Sometimes, when we argue, I feel like you're trying to "win" against me and it makes me feel _____" whatever you feel.

 

It's annoying that he seems to switch between good moods and bad moods, so I'd find that more troubling than his arguing style.

 

You could always go see a counselor by yourself and ask her what she thinks about the situation, just to be able to talk to someone about it....

 

I'm sure someone else will post their thoughts...

[beta alpha]

thanks again for the response. i will definitely go and talk with him and my counsellor about this. i won't be able to see her for awhile which is why i'm posting i had forgotten to mention one more thing which is that during one particularly bad argument, he started saying things like, 'look at all the nice things i've done for you and now you're getting on to me'. later on, he said that one of my comments was random and stupid. other than that though, yeah the mood swings are a problem. i think it will be ok if he's willing to try and work on this. i think a lot of these situations are about control and him feeling like he's done something wrong (which he has a hard time dealing with). anyway, thanks again for your advice and support. I appreciate it.

[Marshbear]

The fact that you are concerned is a concern. Personally I think it is emotional abuse and he seems to think that he is so good to you that you have no right to say or voice anything negative. When you do he reacts by attacking you and telling you that you should be greatful. I don't know if he will become violent but his behavior is such that I definitely would bring it up to him as well as your counsellor. I will say that abusers are sorry and apologize profusely after an episode. It is a pattern. They are always sorry afterwards but it doesn't stop them when they are angry. I would be wary and concerned.

 

Good Luck...

[whichwayisup]

The fact he's seeing someone professional already is a good thing. You say he isn't violent, so that is a good thing.

 

Honestly? Seems he has "a**h*** moments" and by throwing things your way to hurt you or make you feel bad is just manipulative and a control issue. And ofcourse EGO. That is a big one.

 

Suggestion for you, when you're agrueing, really make the effort to keep calm. Respect him...Show him that couples can argue without it getting into a pissing match. When/if he starts to treat you badly, tell him you're not putting up with that from him and when he's ready to talk to you with more respect -THEN the talk can continue.

 

He has some emotional baggage, as we all do from childhood or other life experiences...It's so easy to react to a situation and forget that it has nothing to do with the past but something triggered it and set it off which then leads to unreasonable discussions/reactions in the present moment's crisis.

 

Hope this helps abit.

[beta alpha]

thanks for your comments everyone. actually spoke to my boyfriend about these issues today and was surprised to hear that he'd actually brought them up himself to the counsellor. he said he was concerned about how he could act this way during our arguments and wants to make an effort to talk more about this. i told him my concerns and he said that they are completely valid and that it's not my fault.

 

perhaps i should have waited until after i had a talk with my boyfriend before posting my concerns, but i am still going to be guarded and wary to some degree and he even said that he doesn't want to emotionally abuse me. the fact that he is talking about this openly and taking responsibility while in counselling eases my mind quite a bit, but i am standing up for myself and have told him that i won't put up with disrespectful remarks or tactics to hurt me. the more he works on his deeper emotional issues (and me as well), the less these incidents will arise. anyway, i realize there are people with larger abuse issues on this forum, but thanks for all of your comments. i've taken them all into consideration and am going to be assertive and careful -- as well as try to maintain an arena of respect during our arguments in the future.

[cowboyway]

My feeling is you do not really feel to good about yourself, if you did those little comments would not effect you. I would keep up with your councling. I think you may be using the emotional abuse as a victim type thing. I think alot of females with a self esteem problems resort to this type behavior.

[snarky]

I haven't read all the responses to this thread, but I'm gonna jump in anyway ...

 

This sounds a lot like a situation I was in for a couple years with my current boyfriend. We have been together for 3+ years and things were wonderful ... except when we would fight. We used to get in a LOT of BIG fights. Things would escalate to the point where I was sobbing, and he was emotionally shut down. He was never really much of a yeller - he got under my skin by REFUSING to talk. I would sit there and say "come on baby ... we can work this out ... but you have to TALK to me" and he'd stare off into space and say things like "I didn't do anything wrong ... *I* don't have anything to talk about...." or "I don't have anything to say". .... he is the most warm person in the world, but at those times he could be icy cold. It was awful because I felt like he didn't care. He would say things like "What do I have to say to get you to leave me the hell alone?" and "You wouldn't make it on your own" ... it always stunned me because in SO many ways we were great - but when he was pissed, MAN could he be rude. I would be sitting there crying and he would say (coldly) "What do you want from me?" and I'd say " a f*cking hug ... SOMETHING...." and he'd just stare off into space ....

 

I knew his actions were normal, and after a few "breaks" finally told him that he had to go to counselling or it was over. He resisted of course but in the end broke down (literally) and realized that this WASN'T all my being a b*tch. He went and things have been 100% different ever since (about a year now). I had pretty much lost hope but things are SOOOOO GOOD now!! its like night and day!!!

 

There is hope!! Good luck!

[butterfly221]

Hi! I'm new here. I really am not sure. Maybe you could help me a

bit. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 5 years, and I love

him deeply. But he is so selfish. he downloads porn so much, when he touches

me it's like he's cheating on his computer. We have broken up because he

hit me. I came back, and it was good,until recently. He had cheated on me

but somehow, I ended up being the bad guy, I'm not sure how either.

 

He tells me he loves me, but when we argue he calls me stupid, and tells

me he can; believe that he is wasting his time when other women are

begging him to get with them.A co worker had helped me when he scraped

up my arm, and threw a jug of juice at my head, and choked me to where I

could barely breathe.

 

This coworker called my phone unprovoked, but my boyfriend freaked, and

threw food at me, and stomped off, oh I we were in a restaurant at the time.

I donot know what to do about this . I love him but ,I am tired of feeling like I

am always wrong.

[jmargel]

Butterfly I believe the best advice is for you to leave him. He's cheated on you, hit you, choked you and has not shown any remorse and worse yet has not gotten help for it. He WILL continue to do this and to the point of possbiliy taking your life.

 

This isn't love, he views you as an object. He is also insecure and has anger problems. This is a receipe for diaster. You deserve better and what he has done to you is NOT your fault, it is his. However no amount of love, talking, kindness or tough love will make him see this. Only he can do this himself. You don't get extra bonus points when you die for staying with someone like that. You need more than just love in a relationship.

 

This is something no one should tolerate. No amount of love will cure him.

[Groovy]

I am going through something similar Beta Alpha. My boyfriend is by no means "abusive". But he has control issues. Sometimes when something upsets me he shuts me out and feels "controlled" when I ask him to stop or change. I have realized when I approach situations I need to do it in a way that is not going to feel controlling to him. I am not always as tactful as I could be. Sometimes I scream and nag instead of present a concern and an explanation.

 

I have asked him when I bring up concerns or feelings to understand in a relationship these needs to be discussed openly. That he needs to recognize sometimes he is so worried about "control" that he cannot let go and listen. He has been in a very abusive relationship. The women was so reckless she died at age 38 and would hit him often! His mother is very controlling too. Not to mention all men hate control. I know he is attracted to my strong personlity but sometimes fears it based on his past. It's a challenge but I try to accept it and work with it. When our conversations do not go well I walk away and come back a day or so later to discuss it when tempers cool off. We fight a lot because we both have strong personalities. But for the most part we are communicating well.

 

It sounds like he may feel threatened at times with a need to use "verbal weapons". I'd point it out and say you will not tolerate it. That you understand why he is upset but he is shutting off all commuications with his behavior, which is essential for the relationship. He does nothing positive for either of you. I'd maybe ask why he does it and making him aware of it when it happens may be all you need.