OM/OW After A Were You Ever Able to Love Again?

[NewLeaf512]

OM/OW.. if your really ended your A and moved on, were you ever able to love again?

 

 

My A is just recently over (a month and a week tomorrow I think)

 

 

Obviously I'm not ready to date, and I can't imagine when or how I would ever love or date again.

 

 

Just a reminder of my history: I became a widow at an early age (under 35) after being married for a very significant length of time when my H committed suicide in a noteworthy way which was not only a personal tragedy but also in the news. It was completely unexpected. To say the situation was devastating is an understatement and it affects me still.

 

 

I did not date or even think of love for years and years. exMM and I had been friends for years (6.5 I think) and knew all about my H and the circumstances surrounding his death. When exMM announced he was separated and I thought we had trust, and he started pursuing me it had been so long I didn't even recognise it at first. I fell in love or what I thought was love and for 6 months I felt alive once more. You know the rest of my story and as 99.95% of all A do, it ended in disaster.

 

 

Both of the men I thought I really loved, well it turns out that I never really knew them at all. At all. I'd like to know that the possibility of love exists. If it does still exist, and you found it, how did you leave the baggage behind and make it happen? I'm much older now and thinking about being alone forever isn't a happy thought.

Edited August 8, 2015 by NewLeaf512

[carhill]

Sure, IME. I went on to date, have other relationships and get married. However, lack of personal understanding regarding finishing emotional business did cause the effects of the A to haunt me for many years, to a certain extent even after getting married. The main effect was a feeling of lack of closure and a finite end, like a death. Unlike with other relationships where they proceeded to bi-lateral or unilateral endings, that particular A was, in my psyche, left in limbo-land, so no death to grieve, accept and move on from. That dynamic left me stuck, not impairing the ability to love, but rather the ability to love exclusively. There was always something nagging me even if I couldn't put a definition to it.

 

Anyway, a lot of water under that bridge and a lot of MW's over the decades and life went on. All that business with MW's, marriages and women in general is finished now and overall it's a pretty satisfying feeling, like being retired. Other things to do.

[lemondrop21]

NewLeaf, I've followed some of your posts but I didn't realize you were a widow as the result of a suicide. I am so sorry for your loss in this tragic way. I can only imagine how losing your MM would make you feel even more strongly as though you cannot truly know or trust anyone.

 

I don't have answers in terms of loving again. I imagine this in part depends on the person and what they've been through. But I do believe there is hope for you and for everyone else.

 

There was a time in my life when I hit rock bottom after being betrayed by a couple of men. I also had a close family member die. I became very depressed and suicidal. Finally I realized that I was causing my family grief (even though there is a lot of strain between my parents and I) and that I had to at least take care of myself at a minimum level so as not to burden them, even though I felt like an empty shell and just existed day to day. Over time I deepened my relationship with myself, saw how much I was able to do completely on my own, and realized how freeing it was to be entirely reliant on myself and no one else. I grew to love myself, and grew to find joy in life again. Little things like cooking a good meal or going for a light jog or a walk eventually brought me joy.

 

Once I had that inner light going, then and only then did I find a wonderful, supportive man to share my life with. That relationship ultimately did not work out but I don't regret the five years I spent in it. That man is someone I feel I truly "knew" and he did not betray me.

 

Do take care, we are all cheering you on, NewLeaf.

[BROKENOW]

I was deeply in love. So destroyed when he went back to an empty fake life. Cannot get Over it.... One Year in. Still crying. I'm broken OW

[HappyAgain2014]

I met my husband after my affair ended. He's kind, funny, loving, and devoted to me and our children.

 

He knows all about my affair. We discussed it in excruciating detail after we met. We have tremendous respect and honesty along with a clear vision of our priorities ... Our marriage and our children. Both of us and our kids have been through enough with our previous marriages and the coparenting relationships we have with our exes. Our family and home is a safe, peaceful place for everyone. We work to ensure it stays that way. There's no room for resentment, secrets, or negativity.

 

The baggage was left at the door. This is OUR life. We don't live in the past.

 

My love for my husband is complete, secure, and peaceful. We spent the majority of our time outside of work together and sleep in the same bed every night.

 

With xMM, that was conditional, stressful, secretive, and based on stolen moments.

 

I can't compare it without laughing. My husband has always kept his promises. He talks, then acts. I've never heard ..."I wish," "someday," or any other excuse from him.

 

I'm thankful for him and I tell him that every day.

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf, I've followed some of your posts but I didn't realize you were a widow as the result of a suicide. I am so sorry for your loss in this tragic way. I can only imagine how losing your MM would make you feel even more strongly as though you cannot truly know or trust anyone.

 

I don't have answers in terms of loving again. I imagine this in part depends on the person and what they've been through. But I do believe there is hope for you and for everyone else.

 

There was a time in my life when I hit rock bottom after being betrayed by a couple of men. I also had a close family member die. I became very depressed and suicidal. Finally I realized that I was causing my family grief (even though there is a lot of strain between my parents and I) and that I had to at least take care of myself at a minimum level so as not to burden them, even though I felt like an empty shell and just existed day to day. Over time I deepened my relationship with myself, saw how much I was able to do completely on my own, and realized how freeing it was to be entirely reliant on myself and no one else. I grew to love myself, and grew to find joy in life again. Little things like cooking a good meal or going for a light jog or a walk eventually brought me joy.

 

Once I had that inner light going, then and only then did I find a wonderful, supportive man to share my life with. That relationship ultimately did not work out but I don't regret the five years I spent in it. That man is someone I feel I truly "knew" and he did not betray me.

 

Do take care, we are all cheering you on, NewLeaf.

 

 

 

Thank you very much. when exMM announced he was separated, I went out on my first date in 10 years and 5 months. I don't want o go into detail about my H except to say it was completely devastating and happened with me present. He left no note. I asked myself constantly: why why why why for years.

 

 

And a decade plus later exMM shows up showering me in attention. I didn't realise how much I missed a hug. Because of not living in the same country exMM would come for work and we were out in public acting like normal people. now again what is happening is I am full of whys again. very sad x

Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Goodbye]

Short Answer: Yes!! And you will see I had over a year of posts as the emotionally tortured OW. I thought I was going to die from grief. But, I didn't.

 

I'm alive and well. I have a boyfriend for 9 months...not perfect, but yes there is love. And he is divorced (checked his court records online before even going out). We enjoy each other. There can be love if you let go of the MM.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes!!! I thought I was going to die from grief too (for too many years) after exMM, but I came through it. AND now he is divorced and I am DONE with him!

 

I know you have been through so much newleaf. But don't lose faith. I just came back from a second date with a man and it was the best date - or close to the best - that I have ever been on. Flying high!!! The connection was huge, and although I am crossing my fingers and toes, I know from the things he said both during and after that he feels the same.

 

Just walking down the street with him, in PUBLIC, going to the restaurant, with his arm around me and stopping every 15 steps for him to lean down and kiss. God, a man with a wife at home who can offer NOTHING is no comparison. I can't believe I ever thought it was.

 

Hang in Newleaf. You will get there. I promise!!!

Edited August 9, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[NewLeaf512]

Short Answer: Yes!! And you will see I had over a year of posts as the emotionally tortured OW. I thought I was going to die from grief. But, I didn't.

 

I'm alive and well. I have a boyfriend for 9 months...not perfect, but yes there is love. And he is divorced (checked his court records online before even going out). We enjoy each other. There can be love if you let go of the MM.

 

 

 

Thanks for the hope Goodbye. I am pretty sure I have let go of exMM. what I think will struggle with is the never knowing who someone really is. Of course you can never know someone completely and maybe learning about someone from "scratch" meaning we didn't meet in university first or were friends first, I will have my critical investigator hat on.

 

 

I didn't have the desire to date for a very long time, so I don't know if it will ever happen.

 

 

It took me a LLLOOOONNNGGG time to right the ship after my H.

 

 

I think my belief in the human race has been shattered after this A, and to some degree myself. At the being fooled part comes the "I don't really know anyone" from me continuing on with the EA (which I must admit that I was so messed up I believed somehow that was a moral high ground with never seeing him again) and rationalised it by thinking exMM had made a decision because that M was over and I was there as the person he was in love with helping him get mentally and operationally set for a D (somehow I managed to think naughty talk and flirting were ok in there too!) That all brings up who am I really? as well.

 

 

In another forum on here a young chap was lamenting about giving up trying to date because all most women want is sex and he was in fear of never having a gf. One of the replies he got (which really made me angry) was 'don't worry even ugly people find dates and husbands and wives. If you don't believe me, go to any mall in America.' Apologises to anyone offended by that it was from the dating area

 

 

That is one of the valuable things I have learned through this process. People looking in at me from the outside, (funnily very different to all of you who know more about my life than many people IN MY LIFE.)

Would see a well liked, very intelligent, above average looks, super job, very affluent, animal lover, who plays a instrument, goes to gym often and watches food so nice body for my age, multi home owner, has live-in help, on the board or member of 8 charities, gets invited to some wonderful events, and some good friendships (5 close ones). And think "she has it all" ..... so to the potential daters out there how things look and what they really are may be entirely different!

 

 

What they don't see is that I am like a spinning top with work and activities because after H, I left the big city we had been living in building our careers. I could never go back but once to our home where he died to get the contents of the safe, computers and storage files, both of our jewellery and document files and a suit for him and shoes, and a friend and I drove the two cars away, mine and his I took nothing else, and after the biohazard people had finished, my friends took the good stuff and donated all the contents of the house, including my wedding dress to a charity. Left all the paperwork with the firm I was working in to sell our home, sold his car, had my car shipped back to our home country, we had our first flat here still a tiny dumpy place we bought with after uni scrapings. Gave the tenants notice, stayed with friends here continued working for the same firm after my 3 month break. Did a lot of shopping because I really left with nothing, but I knew I didn't want to leave H in our home country in the ground alone without me nearby. In effect, I started over with absolutely nothing by my job, and a tiny flat that was empty and my car (stupid idea to move cars)

 

 

Almost 2 years later, I studied for and became something special in my profession. Then I switched firms to the firm I spent more than a decade in (less than 2), moved away from our tiny first flat into a large home in a very good part of the city, met exMM as a friend, and started working like crazy. Made some friends , made money, kept myself busy, busy, busy! But the lights were on with no one home inside. I was very, very lonely and very sad. To everyone else I was this pretty, intelligent, friendly, well dressed, great at her job woman with a fantastic life. They have a nickname for me at work which I cant use here but I'll make something similar up "silent shark Ms X"

 

 

 

 

To these outsiders looking in I was looking like "Miss has it all together", in reality what I was actually empty, scared, afraid, lonely.

 

 

 

Along comes exMM who, I already know, doesn't seem to mind that I am damaged (that's how I felt after my H died, damaged) gives me attention, gives me hugs, and wants to talk about my feelings..!! I felt so grateful like I should be kissing his feet. Someone noticed me! Then I felt alive again. I had a heart that wasn't just for hurting, it was able to love too!! And as it all ends in disaster, some of which was at my own making.

 

 

So again, I kind of am starting again, this time in a better position, but no job yet, afraid again. Empty again. don't want to see anyone. Mostly I am terrified of people. I don't want to be a cynical person who thinks everyone is a liar. I found out I liked feeling loved (even if it was fake) I'd like to feel it again someday. It can only be a hope that I can allow myself to trust anyone again to be able to try to feel it.

[BROKENOW]

Me too... So want that love... I'm supposed to talk to mm the coming week but I know I'll end up in tears. No doubt he's been playing happy families despite purporting to be separated. I don't know how to stop loving of hating him. It's weird.

[NewLeaf512]

Me too... So want that love... I'm supposed to talk to mm the coming week but I know I'll end up in tears. No doubt he's been playing happy families despite purporting to be separated. I don't know how to stop loving of hating him. It's weird.

 

 

thanks for your post. Why are you speaking to him?

[m4p]

I wish I can give you a big hug dear. I know exactly how it feels to look and act all so perfectly put together while struggling to admit that there's this void and... humiliation inside. Not sure about you but how people see me (young and attractive, smart for my age, earning above average among my peers) subconsciously puts a lot of pressure on myself. How ironic that I became an OW because I judge myself even more harshly than anybody else around me would. It's precisely this way that I can never confide anything to my family or even my closest friends that I hold dear. It's not just a matter of telling them what's in my life. It's more of really baring my soul to a person. I can't do that.

 

My therapist told me that I hold myself responsible for the happiness of people around me. That I refuse to burden anyone with me, that I fear disappointment and that I underestimate how much people who loves me are willing to do for me. I just can't afford to test it.

 

It's all probably a result of what happened 5-6 years ago, when I was in my late teens. I was dating this boyfriend who was my "one true love", you know how it is, we were together when I was 15 but broke up a year later after he cheated on me.

Couple years later, I went back to him again and that's where my nightmare and turning point begin. That resulted in the next few years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and 2 abortions.... That broke me. What broke me further, was my mom finding out and my heart just about died seeing her cry because I let myself into that situation. That I let myself be treated that way by a man because I loved him so much and I was stupid.

 

I was okay after that but a part of me never healed you know. That void. The guilt I had for the babies, for hurting my mom. For being broken. For tainting a part of myself. And i guess since then I never let myself burden my loved ones again. I protected them from anything bad that happened to me. And I tried hard to do the right thing.

 

I turned out okay, I did well in life, but then I let myself became an OW. It's been hard dealing with it. I wasn't even lied to, I went into this with both eyes open just because it felt so damn good and "right" and I was just tired of always holding back. Oh well. Another lesson learnt the hard way.

 

Sorry if I'm going off topic but it's 3am here and I'm just feeling sad reading your post and it suddenly made me think. And all those just came out and I'm actually crying now because I haven't really thought about the past for some time. Had been hiding it for the longest time.

 

I want to tell you that YES you will love again. I did, even after so many pain and experiences. And I always believe that I will again too.

 

What I also believe is that you got to really be true to yourself and maybe for once, let go, and put yourself out there one more time. it sounds like lame advice but that's what I've been telling myself to do. To not be tainted and be as "me" as I can, and to be the naive me who will never be marred by everything I went through. To be someone deserving of unconditional love. You can do it so believe that you will. Hugs!! Oh and I think therapy will help heaps too, please consider seriously.

 

(I'm off to bed typing this on my phone half asleep)

[NewLeaf512]

I wish I can give you a big hug dear. I know exactly how it feels to look and act all so perfectly put together while struggling to admit that there's this void and... humiliation inside. Not sure about you but how people see me (young and attractive, smart for my age, earning above average among my peers) subconsciously puts a lot of pressure on myself. How ironic that I became an OW because I judge myself even more harshly than anybody else around me would. It's precisely this way that I can never confide anything to my family or even my closest friends that I hold dear. It's not just a matter of telling them what's in my life. It's more of really baring my soul to a person. I can't do that.

 

My therapist told me that I hold myself responsible for the happiness of people around me. That I refuse to burden anyone with me, that I fear disappointment and that I underestimate how much people who loves me are willing to do for me. I just can't afford to test it.

 

It's all probably a result of what happened 5-6 years ago, when I was in my late teens. I was dating this boyfriend who was my "one true love", you know how it is, we were together when I was 15 but broke up a year later after he cheated on me.

Couple years later, I went back to him again and that's where my nightmare and turning point begin. That resulted in the next few years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and 2 abortions.... That broke me. What broke me further, was my mom finding out and my heart just about died seeing her cry because I let myself into that situation. That I let myself be treated that way by a man because I loved him so much and I was stupid.

 

I was okay after that but a part of me never healed you know. That void. The guilt I had for the babies, for hurting my mom. For being broken. For tainting a part of myself. And i guess since then I never let myself burden my loved ones again. I protected them from anything bad that happened to me. And I tried hard to do the right thing.

 

I turned out okay, I did well in life, but then I let myself became an OW. It's been hard dealing with it. I wasn't even lied to, I went into this with both eyes open just because it felt so damn good and "right" and I was just tired of always holding back. Oh well. Another lesson learnt the hard way.

 

Sorry if I'm going off topic but it's 3am here and I'm just feeling sad reading your post and it suddenly made me think. And all those just came out and I'm actually crying now because I haven't really thought about the past for some time. Had been hiding it for the longest time.

 

I want to tell you that YES you will love again. I did, even after so many pain and experiences. And I always believe that I will again too.

 

What I also believe is that you got to really be true to yourself and maybe for once, let go, and put yourself out there one more time. it sounds like lame advice but that's what I've been telling myself to do. To not be tainted and be as "me" as I can, and to be the naive me who will never be marred by everything I went through. To be someone deserving of unconditional love. You can do it so believe that you will. Hugs!! Oh and I think therapy will help heaps too, please consider seriously.

 

(I'm off to bed typing this on my phone half asleep)

 

 

 

Thanks for your post m4p. I feel your pain and I understand most of it and I wish we could sit down together and have a good cry together. I always wanted children, when I was married it was always, when we are older, have more money, a bigger house and when we finally did try, it was only a few months before I lost H.

 

 

During the as I like to refer to them "celibacy rules" years. none of that really crossed my mind. A year before exMM I started to do IVF before it was too late. Long story short, it was already too late and I had a full hysterectomy within 4 weeks of the tests required to start. So, scared of people, witnessing a suicide, and being spade like a dog (even now I don't feel like a real woman) exMM came into my life as more than a friend

 

 

I do to therapy too, my therapist takes the whole month of August off (my luck) but he tells me that I have to stop choosing broken birds and vampires, that I don't have to befriend any and all that express an interest and that I get to choose.

 

 

After all this time alone, I don't know how I would cope with an actual mate. It seems the things I want the most also frighten me the most.

 

 

I really don't want to be the spinster dog lady all alone that no body chose. I have a lot of love to give, I hope I can trust one day enough to let it out.

[NewLeaf512]

Yes!!! I thought I was going to die from grief too (for too many years) after exMM, but I came through it. AND now he is divorced and I am DONE with him!

 

I know you have been through so much newleaf. But don't lose faith. I just came back from a second date with a man and it was the best date - or close to the best - that I have ever been on. Flying high!!! The connection was huge, and although I am crossing my fingers and toes, I know from the things he said both during and after that he feels the same.

 

Just walking down the street with him, in PUBLIC, going to the restaurant, with his arm around me and stopping every 15 steps for him to lean down and kiss. God, a man with a wife at home who can offer NOTHING is no comparison. I can't believe I ever thought it was.

 

Hang in Newleaf. You will get there. I promise!!!

 

 

Thanks for posting. I am glad you are out and enjoying.

[GreySkyMorning]

YES!!! I was in a two year affair with a man I'd known for almost 20 years. We had a dday and he threw me under the bus. A few weeks later, he was back wanting to be friends with benefits. I was head over heels in love with the man, or so I thought at the time. We continued on for another year until I'd finally had enough and walked away.

 

Shortly after that, I met the love of my life. We actually met online on a dating site. He moved in with me and my kids in Feb of this year, we plan to be married within the next couple of years, and are currently looking for a house to buy. The difference between the two is night and day.

 

I remember anytime I expressed any difference of opinion or feelings to xMM, his response as punishment was to ignore me and make me feel like dirt until I came pleading for him to forgive me. Makes me sick to think of it now. Today, my honey and I were arguing about politics, something we do quite often. Not a mad arguing, just a strong debating. We left the restaurant we were in and went to the furniture store. He stopped me in the parking lot before we went inside to tell me he loved me very much, respected every thing about me that didn't agree with him even, and planned to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't doubt him for a second.

 

We sleep in the same bed every night he is home, share the same dreams, proudly display our relationship in public, to friends and family, plan for a strong future. He treats my kids like they are his own and I treat his kids the same way. When we plan for the future, it's as a family. I've met his exwife and actually like her. She took pics of me, him, and his son at his son's graduation and just recently sent of prints of us. He and my ex-husband sit and have conversations when he comes to pick up the kids.

 

When I look back at the relationship I had with xMM, I can't believe I ever allowed myself to be treated that way or thought so little of myself. He's a poor example of a man compared to my fiancé. I'm so thankful every day that I found the strength and courage to walk away and start standing up for what I deserved.

[bathtub-row]

I suppose I could fall in love again but I'm not sure if I will ever fully trust anyone ever again. I'm pretty jaded about love and think that it's basically a joke. I know that a handful of people have good relationships but if you look at the human race as a whole, especially where love is concerned, people are pretty much crap. I don't have a high opinion of most men, either. I know there are a lot of crappy women out there, too, but when it comes to romance, women don't concern me. Men have caused me a great deal of pain and not a single one has ever benefitted my life in any long-term way. The majority of men think that once they marry, they can treat their wife any way they want to.

 

For the most part, men scare me. I have learned to be happy on my own and I really can't see risking my life again to another relationship. Could it work out some day? Maybe. But I'll never dive in wholeheartedly ever again. There will ways be a part of me that will have a wall up. I suppose that could be good or bad. Bottom line, I don't think I'm cut out for relationships. I'm too sensitive and couldn't bear having my life shredded up again.

[Justme19]

I was with xMM after my D was final. He future faked with me and tried very hard to keep me on the hook. I fell hard and truly loved him. Since I ended things, I have struggled with wanting to date and even though I have dated, I don't feel like I am really ready. I have met some very nice guys but still they don't compare to what I "thought" I could have. I am just now getting to where I am excited to meet new people. It's been a year. I've changed jobs (my xMM and I used to work together) and he still reaches out here and there. It takes time and we are all different. What works for one is not the same for someone else.

It is good to be alone though I think. I like myself and what I have done since deciding to end things. Like you though- I don't really want to be alone. I would choose that over a bad relationship any day however! So trusting is a big step. I think it all starts with trusting yourself. Each experience we have in life makes us wiser. Some lessons are harder than others. I really want to believe someone is out there that is good (for me) and that we will meet and move forward in a healthy functional way. I hope the same for you. Trust is big.{{{Hugs}}}

[Ifalltopieces]

I'll never be the same after this. I will forever be jaded and skeptical of anyone and everyone wanting to share and participate in my life.

 

MM has made me this way and it's gonna take a miracle to change it.

 

I do know that I will NEVER and I mean NEVER be a side piece for any man.

 

I will face all red flags head on and I will accept things as they truly are, vs what I want them to be.

[winterkeep]

I'm only a couple of weeks out so have not found love yet (!) but I believe that I will - so should you.

 

I was lied to (he pretended he was single), devalued and disrespected and I need to work on why I allowed this to happen for future relationships but also want to make sure that i do NOT become jaded or distrustful I owe myself more then that. I'm actually starting to focus of my situation as a blessing, it's made me more determined to find a whole, true love with a partner who may not be as flashy or who delivered the same highs (and commensurate lows) but who is real I'll be looking much closer at potential partners now but not just for red flags but to really see what makes them good.

 

You can most certainly find love again if you allow yourself to and if you work on the issues that led you to be here. I think a good starting point would be to examine the similarities between your husband and XMM, sometimes we gravitate toward something because even dysfunction can be comfortable if it's familiar. If you find similarities you may need to seek counselling to help you break free of that.

[NewLeaf512]

As much as I enjoyed that feeling, based on my experience with men in general, I don't think I would ever give myself to someone again. The pain was way too much.

[carhill]

OP, considering you're fresh (five weeks if I read right) out of your A, it's completely reasonable and normal to feel that way. A person's psyche and emotions don't heal from an ended attachment overnight. If seriously attached, it takes time, like with any attachment which ends.

 

As a young person, the first A I ended took a good two years to get over, including some pretty serious depressive periods. Had I received or sought psychological counseling back then, it probably would have gone more quickly and smoothly but it was what it was. A month out? Fuggetaboutit.... I could hardly sleep and work. Being self-employed, I'd get up early, work the jobs then go to bed at noon. I hated daylight.

 

Typical? Maybe not. However, it underscores that we're all individuals and we each have our own path and process. It'll work out.

[NewLeaf512]

OP, considering you're fresh (five weeks if I read right) out of your A, it's completely reasonable and normal to feel that way. A person's psyche and emotions don't heal from an ended attachment overnight. If seriously attached, it takes time, like with any attachment which ends.

 

As a young person, the first A I ended took a good two years to get over, including some pretty serious depressive periods. Had I received or sought psychological counseling back then, it probably would have gone more quickly and smoothly but it was what it was. A month out? Fuggetaboutit.... I could hardly sleep and work. Being self-employed, I'd get up early, work the jobs then go to bed at noon. I hated daylight.

 

Typical? Maybe not. However, it underscores that we're all individuals and we each have our own path and process. It'll work out.

 

 

Hi Carhill. thanks for your post. I'm not young (although I try to look it). I haven't had many partners, very few in fact, and if you H commits suicide and your second real relationship turns out to be an A, it doesn't bode well for the future.

[carhill]

Yeah, we can internalize external forces in the world, to be sure.

 

Also, I was young relative to my age now. IIRC, the depressive period was from age 32-34, so not really chronologically young. That EA had gone on for about eight years in total. Foolish on my part? Sure! That's how life goes sometimes.

[Hope Shimmers]

I agree with what carhill said - while you are going through the pain of getting over a relationship, it's very difficult to feel that you can ever find love (and trust) again. And note that it took him two YEARS. It took me at least that long in my situation too.

 

My biggest fear - as many mentioned above - was trusting someone again. But once you heal from your past, you have a sense of clarity that allows you to look back on decisions you have made and recognize some commonalities that led you to that painful place; the major one of course being that he is married or has a SO. If you think about it, there is NOTHING that can ever be "honest" in that kind of situation - not for you, and not for the wife/significant other. There is just no way that MM can navigate that situation in a way that allows for true honesty and respect for all involved. So there is the huge red flag for why so many of us ended in this situation in the first place.

 

The rest of the red flags come from the "fog" (yes I'm now using that word) that somehow allows you to ignore other red flags that relate again to the situation where you are a third party in someone else's marriage or relationship. I remember seeing red flags yet I just dismissed them out of hand like nothing, even though my gut was screaming at me that this was WRONG and that what he (they) were saying was not making sense or adding up. So if you allow yourself to get into that situation, then allow yourself to be so fogged over that you ignore the rest of the red flags, whose fault is it really?

 

There just is no good outcome to these relationships. Whereas women who are married may enter into an affair because they are "in love" or due to strong emotions, men tend to think much differently. Their main goal is either sex or to have their precious fragile egos stroked by the attention (usually both). For the most part, no matter what they say, they are not interested in changing their marital or relationship status. So rather than listening to their words, listen to your head.

 

I made the mistake of getting involved in these situations and believing a bunch of nonsense about how their "relationships were in a bad place" (like that mattered!) and I allowed that to pull me in. DON'T. Instead, trust a man who makes YOU first.

 

I think it's also critical to examine where you are in life. In my case, in a couple of years my youngest will have flown the coop and I will be free to go wherever I want. Absolutely anywhere. I work remotely so I can relocate to my heart's content. That's a very good feeling of freedom and a new life that I can focus on, and I plan to make the best of it.

[NewLeaf512]

 

There just is no good outcome to these relationships. Whereas women who are married may enter into an affair because they are "in love" or due to strong emotions, men tend to think much differently. Their main goal is either sex or to have their precious fragile egos stroked by the attention (usually both). For the most part, no matter what they say, they are not interested in changing their marital or relationship status. So rather than listening to their words, listen to your head.

 

I made the mistake of getting involved in these situations and believing a bunch of nonsense about how their "relationships were in a bad place" (like that mattered!) and I allowed that to pull me in. DON'T. Instead, trust a man who makes YOU first.

 

I think it's also critical to examine where you are in life. In my case, in a couple of years my youngest will have flown the coop and I will be free to go wherever I want. Absolutely anywhere. I work remotely so I can relocate to my heart's content. That's a very good feeling of freedom and a new life that I can focus on, and I plan to make the best of it.

 

 

I agree. working on yourself is key. I sadly have no children so that isn't a source of love in my life