A bad moment and a lightbulb moment

[Josmatjes]

So ex mm texted me last Monday on my birthday. It was a different number, he must have borrowed someone's phone. At first I was upset, then happy he remembered...I ...ugh.... Texted back a thank you and he asked me to unblock him because he wanted to talk. So I did!

 

So he then texted me just talking about his kids and what not and I asked him why he was messing with me... Why is he texting me? Apparently he didn't see anything wron, obviously oblivious to any damage he has done...really!?!

 

So he started texting me the next three days just saying he would like to meet up to talk...that's it...so I figured maybe I could just see him and tell him what I really think, plus he sounded like he needed a friend and it's not in me to turn my back on anyone..please don't be harsh it was a weak moment...so I meet with him and we talk for a bit and he wants to work something out with me and start seeing me again. He says that it will be hard but better than ever....lol...basically he wants a side dish....

 

Ok... So seriously is he nuts? Maybe I am? Here is my lightbulb moment.... When we were in the A I lived off of the words, the promises... The way he made me feel. That's what it was about for me... When I saw him and we talked I didn't feel good anymore...I actually felt a little disgusted...I really thought what a disgusting person that after everything he still wants to cheat on his wife. He gaslights her and she is going crazy and he wants to start up again. Oh and the best part is that he wants me to keep him unblocked but he has me blocked so basically I have no way to reach him and he'll text me....wtf...so what does that mean? I'm on call?? Like a call girl? When he need totalk or whatever ...

 

 

 

Anyway I needed to vent here cause I'm just disgusted... In myself also... But I ink maybe I needed this to happen.... People eventually show their true colors, he had me brainwashed for so long that he loved me and needed me but when the **** hit the fan the mask came off ....shame on me!

[Morbius]

I don't post often, but I have followed your threads and posts. No harshness here, curiosity is what it is. I think you summarized very well and your eyes are very wide open to who this exMM is.

You are not a "call" girl for him. His true colors became apparent, dark and sinister, nothing bright.

For you the light bulb turned on and you know what an ***hole he is.

My only suggestion is to keep moving forward, and please do not honor this dishonorable POS request to not block him. So if you haven't done so, immediately block him, and keep it that way.

 

Focus on you, and best wishes.

[Josmatjes]

I don't post often, but I have followed your threads and posts. No harshness here, curiosity is what it is. I think you summarized very well and your eyes are very wide open to who this exMM is.

You are not a "call" girl for him. His true colors became apparent, dark and sinister, nothing bright.

For you the light bulb turned on and you know what an ***hole he is.

My only suggestion is to keep moving forward, and please do not honor this dishonorable POS request to not block him. So if you haven't done so, immediately block him, and keep it that way.

 

Focus on you, and best wishes.

 

Thank you.....

[DKT3]

Jos this is what happens with time, distance and a clearer head. Your bullsh*t meter is turned on.

 

Be careful, because you still have feelings for him and that slight thought of just maybe, if you didn't you wouldn't have met up with him.

[Morbius]

Thank you.....

 

I have a saying I tell my friend, and I want to share with you. It's a simple mantra.

 

The most powerful piece on a chessboard is who you are.

 

You are an independent person, and...no...man's...pawn.

 

When you feel weak remember, you have the power within to checkmate the false King.

 

It's your move, make it count.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have a saying I tell my friend, and I want to share with you. It's a simple mantra.

 

The most powerful piece on a chessboard is who you are.

 

You are an independent person, and...no...man's...pawn.

 

When you feel weak remember, you have the power within to checkmate the false King.

 

It's your move, make it count.

 

He tells me that all the time Jos. Like, every day. "You are no man's pawn." Honestly, sometimes I just want to shove it back down his throat but he is right. And listen to him - really good guy. He has been there as a best friend for me literally every second of every day, no matter what, since I have started dealing with the crap from these men.

 

Morbius, you need to post more.

[Hope Shimmers]

I wondered if you were going to post this Jos.

 

Like I said yesterday (I think I said this), I know you have feelings for him but I also think that it's about your issues with and confusion about your marriage. And maybe, just maybe, you are looking for a way out. But you already know it isn't going to work with ex-MM. Don't beat yourself up - just move on. Almost all of us have done what you did at least once.

[Ifalltopieces]

Jos,

I think it's a very great thing that you see MM for what and who he truly is.

 

You have taken off your blinders and that is such a positive step in the healing process. Part of what keeps us stuck is the delusional image we have of the MM. He really is a piece of work. What oddasity to assume that you would go along with that. I would tell him thanks but no thanks.

 

You should be infuriated!!!!!! He really needs help. I feel sorry for his wife. He is a coward for staying and he is even more of a douche for thinking that you would even consider is nice little arrangement! The best revenge is to go find your happiness!!!

 

Morbius-post more and help me!!!!

[Poppy47]

He tells me that all the time Jos. Like, every day. "You are no man's pawn." Honestly, sometimes I just want to shove it back down his throat but he is right. And listen to him - really good guy. He has been there as a best friend for me literally every second of every day, no matter what, since I have started dealing with the crap from these men.

 

Morbius, you need to post more.

 

Indeed you do Morbius.

 

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

I wish I had a Morbius to tell me things Hope!

 

 

Jos, someone told me once "I can't unsee that!" I think that may have been whatever closure was needed. Hugs

[Artie Lang]

wash... rinse... repeat

[GoldieLox]

 

Like I said yesterday (I think I said this), I know you have feelings for him but I also think that it's about your issues with and confusion about your marriage. And maybe, just maybe, you are looking for a way out. But you already know it isn't going to work with ex-MM.

 

This is actually a very good point, and one that I have brought up several times in therapy (to which my therapist agrees 100% and then elaborates more on). You should think about that, Jos. If your husband and his wife were to just magically POOF off the face of the planet tomorrow, and it's like they never existed, I don't think for a second you'd be interested in this guy (truly).

 

Just remember... The definition of doing something over and over and over and expecting different results is insanity. We can't unblock these xAPs and think hm, what's the harm? Because they never change. We expect them to, and for them to be less harmful to our system, but they aren't. I really do like them to drugs sometimes.

[Morbius]

He tells me that all the time Jos. Like, every day. "You are no man's pawn." Honestly, sometimes I just want to shove it back down his throat but he is right. And listen to him - really good guy. He has been there as a best friend for me literally every second of every day, no matter what, since I have started dealing with the crap from these men.

 

Morbius, you need to post more.

 

I would like to address this, apologies for the short TJ.

 

I posted a thread a bit ago. It is the truth, both bad and good. I think those who choose to look will know who I am speaking of.

 

I am flawed as much as anyone. I have my demons, and made poor choices. But my friend as her name implies gave me grace and hope. She is my best friend who I will most likely never meet. She has helped me more than she knows, and I so much appreciate her counsel. It hasn't all been roses as she so eloquently stated:

 

"Honestly, sometimes I just want to shove it back down his throat."

 

Ha...ha...ha...

 

But it is true what I say to her almost every day. She is no longer a pawn to be abused, and used. She is now, and all of you can be, the most powerful piece on the board. I understand the path is not linear, it is long, it is treacherous, it is not obvious, it hides under layers of lies, manipulation, and selfishness. It most assuredly is not easy to navigate when the field is covered by the fog of emotion, and loneliness. But every day the choice is yours how to move on this board of your life. Do your best to make it count.

 

Every day ask yourself; "will I continue to play on by his rules, or will I finally checkmate his sorry ass."

 

Oversimplification? Perhaps, but most of the time the correct move is in plain sight, but you can't see it for the clouds swirled by the false king.

 

The choice is yours.

 

In closing, we were playing "Words with Friends". She literally was kicking my can, after scoring 100+ points on one word. She beats me consistently but the games are normally close. Okay I admit I haven't won one yet....but they are close.

 

Several moves later, up by an insane amount she swaps her tiles...

 

My response:

 

You do realize you have a sharp knife at my throat and now you "swap" it out for a machete!!!!! Geeez.

 

Her response, "My letters sucked"

 

The point (no pun intended) is to be the person you can be and not hesitate to put yourself first. You deserve to first, not second, not last but first. Always first. With MM/MW you will never be first.

 

So to use another board game analogy, swap those lousy crappy tiles out for something better, and become number one.

 

Best wishes

 

(yes I lost the game, but it is just a game. In the real world I have a dear friend.)

[Southern Sun]

It's nice to feel clear

 

You posted recently about the hurt of them just being able to walk away.

 

Your turn now Jos. Just block and walk away.

[m4p]

Every day ask yourself; "will I continue to play on by his rules, or will I finally checkmate his sorry ass."

 

This. Is. Gold.

Not sure why but this just resonated a lot. And made me jerk awake from a bit of fog I'm currently in. Nothing dramatic happened, I just needed this to stay on track. ONWARDS.....

[Morbius]

This. Is. Gold.

Not sure why but this just resonated a lot. And made me jerk awake from a bit of fog I'm currently in. Nothing dramatic happened, I just needed this to stay on track. ONWARDS.....

 

Why is not important, that it did is...

 

Keep clearing the fog, and keep moving forward.

[Josmatjes]

Thank you all for your replies! Yes it's time for checkmate!

[Morbius]

Thank you all for your replies! Yes it's time for checkmate!

 

*High five*

 

I like that Jos!!! A good play indeed!!

[Hope Shimmers]

In closing, we were playing "Words with Friends". She literally was kicking my can, after scoring 100+ points on one word. She beats me consistently but the games are normally close. Okay I admit I haven't won one yet....but they are close.

 

And I am just about to win yet another game unless you step it up Give it up Morbius; I don't intend to lose.

 

And I mean that in more ways than one.

 

Jos... how are you doing today?

[Morbius]

And I am just about to win yet another game unless you step it up Give it up Morbius; I don't intend to lose.

 

And I mean that in more ways than one.

 

Jos... how are you doing today?

 

Yes, my dear Hope that is very true, and I am pleased with "more ways,than one"

 

You are no mans pawn But I intend to win someday...if it takes years.

 

Jos, I echo Hope, how are you doing today?

 

Oh,

I lost....again, but will keep trying.

 

Jos' and everyone else in similar predicaments, you do the same!!!

 

Keep trying!!!!!

Edited August 10, 2015 by Morbius
Uodate on game.

[starglider]

Oh no!

 

Am I the only one who sees this as utter defeat for you? It seems to me you have been floundering in that limbo of "who am I?" and "what makes me me?" zone, alienated from your marriage, missing MM, and empty inside.

 

Now that you've made this kind of contact with him, I can only imagine he will be flooding your consciousness and you'll be thinking about him constantly. You'll be trying to fill yourself up with thoughts of him and how he gets you and validates you, and these musings will fill you up during the empty zones of each morning, daytime, and night. You DO see his BS and his flaws, but I'm still worried from your post that you'll try to use his image to fill you up.

 

I'm sad ... this is an inauspicious start to your birthday.

[Josmatjes]

Oh no!

 

Am I the only one who sees this as utter defeat for you? It seems to me you have been floundering in that limbo of "who am I?" and "what makes me me?" zone, alienated from your marriage, missing MM, and empty inside.

 

Now that you've made this kind of contact with him, I can only imagine he will be flooding your consciousness and you'll be thinking about him constantly. You'll be trying to fill yourself up with thoughts of him and how he gets you and validates you, and these musings will fill you up during the empty zones of each morning, daytime, and night. You DO see his BS and his flaws, but I'm still worried from your post that you'll try to use his image to fill you up.

 

I'm sad ... this is an inauspicious start to your birthday.

 

Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I am A okay!!

I did think at one point he understood me but honestly I don't anymore. I have a main goal in my life that I'm shooting for and I have an amazing support system. He is still stuck in this awful pattern with his home life and instead of making positive changes, he wants to cheat again...I feel bad for him.i actually tried to help and he told me his wife needs a therapist...so you see, some people can't change because they will never hold themselves accountable for the pain they have caused.

Yes he is in my head, but in a, I feel bad for him kinda way, ya know. He sent me a text today which I did not answer. I've come a long way and I hope I stay strong this time!

[Morbius]

Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I am A okay!!

I did think at one point he understood me but honestly I don't anymore. I have a main goal in my life that I'm shooting for and I have an amazing support system. He is still stuck in this awful pattern with his home life and instead of making positive changes, he wants to cheat again...I feel bad for him.i actually tried to help and he told me his wife needs a therapist...so you see, some people can't change because they will never hold themselves accountable for the pain they have caused.

Yes he is in my head, but in a, I feel bad for him kinda way, ya know. He sent me a text today which I did not answer. I've come a long way and I hope I stay strong this time!

 

The light bulb is getting brighter every day. Regarding the pattern he is in, it is his choice to stay stuck, and continue to view others as the bane for his life. You are quite correct, he probably will never hold himself accountable because that would require him to be introspective, and that is not something he wants to do. It is far easier to blame others, yourself included.

 

Every day you don't answer his text, or other form of communication is a positive. You have come a long way Jos', and with the support of those around, you will keep getting stronger. It is great you have set a goal for yourself, and with resolve you will achieve it.

 

Keep focused on that goal!!!!!! And remember, no one is in charge of you; except you. May the light continue to stay on, and illuminate your path into a wonderful future.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Morbius

[Josmatjes]

The light bulb is getting brighter every day. Regarding the pattern he is in, it is his choice to stay stuck, and continue to view others as the bane for his life. You are quite correct, he probably will never hold himself accountable because that would require him to be introspective, and that is not something he wants to do. It is far easier to blame others, yourself included.

 

Every day you don't answer his text, or other form of communication is a positive. You have come a long way Jos', and with the support of those around, you will keep getting stronger. It is great you have set a goal for yourself, and with resolve you will achieve it.

 

Keep focused on that goal!!!!!! And remember, no one is in charge of you; except you. May the light continue to stay on, and illuminate your path into a wonderful future.

 

Thank you morb!!