bp123 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Here is a summary of my "dating" life. In high school I asked a girl out and she said no. There were some other girls I liked, but I was too painfully shy to ask them out. In college, I asked out a couple of girls and they said no. In the years after college, I asked out 4 women and they all said no. One of them was a friend from college, and when she LJBFed me, she hinted that I was too quiet. Another girl said she thought I was too young for her (she was 29 and I was 24). So I've never had a girlfriend and never even been out on a date (unless you want to count some outings with women where I was hoping it was a date but they thought they were just hanging out with a friend). I've always been a quiet and introverted guy, and all the girls I've asked out were girls that I knew in some way - either classmates, friends, friends of friends, or former co-workers. I've never had the guts to approach a random girl on the street, grocery store, etc. Even if I could, I don't think I'd get anywhere because I'm not very good at smalltalk. Anyway, sometime around age 30, I decided to accept that I just wasn't cut out for romance, so I stopped trying. Through all of my 30s, I didn't worry about women and never even thought of approaching or asking anyone out. Now I'm almost 40, and I recently fell for a woman quite unexpectedly - a woman who is unavailable. Besides the pain of that, it also reminds me of how I could never attract a girl before. Is it too late for me now? I would think that women in their 30s probably want to settle down and wouldn't be interested in a guy with no experience like me. But then women in their 20s may not be interested in a guy as old as me. BTW, if it matters, I am Asian (over 6 feet tall and speak English perfectly) and I am mostly attracted to white women. Also, I have an IT job that pays well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Instead of focusing on all the things you aren't or haven't done, I feel you'll benefit a lot more from focusing on what you are and can offer. You won't attract everyone, no one will and that's as it should be. On a personal note from at least the women I keep company with, who also happen to be introverted, your lack of experience/quietness isn't something that detracts. I think any sensible person, both male and female will be able to look past such. No one knows your full potential and many are willing to go on a journey with someone, even if it means to start from basics. Not everyone gets this chance, and in a way you can help shape someone before an even greater version of themselves. If you on a realistic level can understand that there's always going to be some who will reject you, but at the same time keep your mind open that there will be those who will welcome you too, then there is hardly anything doomed about your situation. There are people who are even older than you who struggle with insecurities and experience as well. I can't tell you what the best approach is, but finding similar introverted people can lead to great experiences. Not every relationship has to be established by traditional means, such as going on dates. There are those who express themselves better through writing to begin with. Whatever your desires and goals are, I think on some level it be of great use to you to even just note that down, on paper or in your mind. Many introverts are heavy thinkers, and sharing your thoughts will naturally make them think about things too. Age is and can be a factor to many, no doubt about that, but depending on your own preferences, don't be afraid to look on beyond what is generally perceived as acceptable. It is after all just an opinion even if there are many benefits to find someone close to your own range. Even if you lack experience in some areas, you likely can provide comfort and security in others, which is why you will be able to appeal to those who are both younger and older. Overall I would strongly suggest you to have a positive attitude, even if you may feel shy. There are many ways to go about your situation, I'd say it greatly depends on your preferences. All that I'm familiar with tells me that you have options, it will take effort sure, but most things in life worth pursuing does. I never expect things to be handed to me, and I'm sure you are willing to put in the required work too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 You need to have a life outside computers & be social other than work related and dealing with people on a retail level. Learn how to flirt. Do you have non computer related hobbies? Do you have non computer or work related friends? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 there is shy, and then there is 40 and never been on a proper date before, and that goes way beyond shy and into areas like social awkwardness/social anxiety, etc. at this point you're already smart enough to know you have an issue - you're IT, so you've got smarts - and hiding out for another 10 years avoiding women won't help. you are doomed if you don't take an active role in changing your life and seeking out opportunities to meet people and date. since you have a comfort level with computers, why not try online dating? post a pic and see what happens virtually for you - the rejection factor is lessened, and you can contact a variety of women that way. go out with your workmates all the time, attend all work events, attend all social events, you need to make a huge effort or nothing will change. i'm extremely outgoing but i made friends somehow with this super introverted IT guy at work - he's 30 years older than me, but we chat and do coffee together. like you, he's Asian, never dated a day in his life, and got married at 52. he told me that he basically married the first woman who he went out with (and she even asked him to marry her). he's miserable in the marriage b/c he never gave himself options, he never dated around, and he just took whoever came along. if you want a choice in your own life you have to start doing things to break out of your current shell. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LilaMarie Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Maybe women in their 30s are ready for a nice guy but unless you try...you will never know. Do you go to church, go hiking, what I'm asking is - what do you do in your spare time? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Yes. You're doomed. Unless you're willing to do what it takes to change your life. The good news is it's not too late. By acquiring the knowledge you need and taking massive action, you too can have what you want. To me, that would also be good news. That I have the opportunity to grow and develop as a person. Great news. Best of luck to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 *Is it too late for me now? I would think that women in their 30s probably want to settle down and wouldn't be interested in a guy with no experience like me. But then women in their 20s may not be interested in a guy as old as me. *It might well be too late for you as the person you are now. But here is the thing that you haven't worked out yet: You can change, and become the person you want to be. You can radically change your appearance if you want. You can totally change your dress style. You can go vegetarian, or start eating meat, if you already are one. You can change your religion, or become a militant atheist. You can change almost everything if you want to. If being the person you are now doesn't make you happy, you really should change. If you change into someone you think is really awesome, other people will see you that way too. But be aware that I'm not advocating pretence. It has to be real change, inside and out Change. That's exactly what you have to do. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 it's definetley not unheard of more for men than it is for women to still be single this long Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 A lot of work will have to be put in OP. And yes, you will be judged by women of all ages for your inexperience. it's definetley not unheard of more for men than it is for women to still be single this long There is good reason for this and it doesn't take much thinking to work out why. Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 it's definetley not unheard of more for men than it is for women to still be single this long Yet another mark on the "Love Shack bed post" of men of a certain age not having dated, had sex, etc with a woman. Seems to be a trending thing going on around here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 A lot of work will have to be put in OP. And yes, you will be judged by women of all ages for your inexperience. There is good reason for this and it doesn't take much thinking to work out why. Well women don't have to be the initiators, so I feel they are less prone than men are to ending up like the OP Link to post Share on other sites
Author bp123 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 You need to have a life outside computers & be social other than work related and dealing with people on a retail level. Learn how to flirt. Do you have non computer related hobbies? Do you have non computer or work related friends? I like playing certain sports and occasionally travel, although that hasn't helped me to meet women. I was never someone who had tons of friends. Almost all of my friends have either moved to another part of the country, or they are married with kids now. Married people typically only want to hang out with other married people, since they no longer have much in common with single people. since you have a comfort level with computers, why not try online dating? post a pic and see what happens virtually for you - the rejection factor is lessened, and you can contact a variety of women that way. go out with your workmates all the time, attend all work events, attend all social events, you need to make a huge effort or nothing will change. As strange as this may sound, I think I would prefer trying to meet someone out in the real world, where I can actually see them (instead of photos which may be years old) and their personality. But given my shyness, I suppose online dating is something I should think about. Most of my coworkers are married and don't hang out after work. I've even seen people on other forums say they don't think it's a good idea to mix professional relationships with one's personal life. The good news is it's not too late. By acquiring the knowledge you need and taking massive action, you too can have what you want. To me, that would also be good news. That I have the opportunity to grow and develop as a person. Great news. I'm trying to gain knowledge right now. Around 15 years ago I used to read a few of those seduction/PUA web sites. Some of the stuff they talked about sounded weird to me and didn't fit my personality, so I never did anything with it. I recently heard about an author who wrote a highly reviewed book telling guys how to attract women by being honest. That sounds intriguing (if not a little unbelievable). So I've started to read the book, and he also has a web site with a bunch of videos where he gives advice on how to have conversations with people and make connections with them. I've been watching the videos and the advice seems pretty good. You can radically change your appearance if you want. You can totally change your dress style. I recently posted a photo of myself on reddit's amiugly forum. The feedback I got was basically that I look OK, but I should get better looking clothes, a better hairstyle, better looking glasses (or wear contacts), and lose a few pounds. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Yet another mark on the "Love Shack bed post" of men of a certain age not having dated, had sex, etc with a woman. Seems to be a trending thing going on around here. Women not having to be the initiators probably plays a factor here but yet people will stubbornly argue and say for every girl that has a boyfriend, that guy has a girlfriend, but yet the posts on this forum and many other forums show that there are more male FA's Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 yet people will stubbornly argue and say for every girl that has a boyfriend, that guy has a girlfriend. LOL...its the stating of the obvious that makes people think its good advice or witticism. Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Women can sense men who lack confidence from a mile away. Maybe you should work on your appearance, not for anybody else, but for you Use a couple of days a week to work out, if you're not comfortable at the gym, go running or hiking, or exercise at home. Get a new haircut and trendier glasses. Start doing things that make you feel happier about yourself and feel good about yourself, I think you will find it will shine throughout you and your attitude and women notice things like that. And stop reading those books people write about 'attracting chicks' they won't work for you because it's not your usual personality, being somebody you clearly are not will make you look and feel more awkward. Good luck feller. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
momx3 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Wow, those are some harsh comments. Yes, OP will need to put in the work to change aspects of his life that he doesn't like, but to tell him that no woman will want to be his first is just wrong. There are many women who would be flattered to be considered special in that regard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) Wow, those are some harsh comments. Yes, OP will need to put in the work to change aspects of his life that he doesn't like, but to tell him that no woman will want to be his first is just wrong. There are many women who would be flattered to be considered special in that regard. Well at the same time, more women than men are reluctant to date or be in a relationship with someone who lacks experience by a certain age, it's just what I've observed, I still wonder why people still think men have it easier since we are the initiators, c'mon, there is a whole industry out there for helping men on how to meet and attract women, dating coaches, PUA's, seduction community, etc. The fact that there is this amount of help out there should mean something Edited August 10, 2015 by BronzeAgeJaeger217 1 Link to post Share on other sites
momx3 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) There are many types of experience that seem to be lacking here, and each one is addressed differently. Sexual experience, relationship experience, even social experience. In regard to sexual experience, an optimist may view that as a way to for a man into the perfect pleaser for herself. No bad habits to break formed by another woman, etc. As far as relationship experience goes, there could be some issue there, but that's where communication comes into play. Since lack of social interaction and communication may be the root of issue here in general, that's the biggest area of concern. To say it can't be overcome is misleading. If the OP wants to overcome it, he will. You also have to account for how aggravating it can be for a woman to not have those resources as readily available to them as well, or the stigma that comes along with a woman who is single if even by choice when a man can easily say he is enjoying a bachelor lifestyle by choice and be supported. Edited August 10, 2015 by momx3 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Wow, those are some harsh comments. Yes, OP will need to put in the work to change aspects of his life that he doesn't like, but to tell him that no woman will want to be his first is just wrong. It is, and this is likely due in part of the negative, belittling internet trolls on the internet with self-defeating attitudes. For some reason this seems to be a common response for those who've had long dry spells between girlfriends/dates with women. "What? You've been single for how long?! You suck, no woman would ever want you!!" Not sure what instigates this, perhaps they themselves suffer from the same issue? Well at the same time, more women than men are reluctant to date or be in a relationship with someone who lacks experience by a certain age, it's just what I've observed, I still wonder why people still think men have it easier since we are the initiators, Right, and with constant rejection by some women with unrealistic expectations just doesn't help matters much for the man who is not experienced in being a Casanova when it comes to dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 OP, you said you are attracted mostly to white women? Are their women of other races that you are also attracted to? The reason I ask is because honestly, there are not a lot of white women who are sexually attracted to Asian men. Of course some are but if you are only willing to date white women you are seriously limiting your dating pool. In spite of someone saying the comments are harsh, the truth is, women, and especially white women, are not going to find your inexperience attractive. Maybe if you snag someone very young, naïve and inexperienced themselves, you will get away with it, but most women will see your age and lack of experience as a concern. At this point you may have to think outside of the box a little to get at least some skills before you get a woman. Get on a dating site and start hitting on a lot of women. Don't do it thinking the first woman you meet is going to the one because there is a lot of rejection on those sites and you will end up crushed if you take it too seriously. Instead think of it as though you are taking a course in learning about women and dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 c'mon, there is a whole industry out there for helping men on how to meet and attract women, dating coaches, PUA's, seduction community, etc. The fact that there is this amount of help out there should mean something Right, rarely you see this kind of "help" for women. Women rarely need dating coaches or female PUAs. All these ladies have to do is show up on a ladies night. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Right, rarely you see this kind of "help" for women. Women rarely need dating coaches or female PUAs. All these ladies have to do is show up on a ladies night. Peoples opinion will always vary and people are entitled to theirs and nobody can change my.opinion but I've always felt women had it easier in the dating realm since they don't have to be the initiators 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Peoples opinion will always vary and people are entitled to theirs and nobody can change my.opinion but I've always felt women had it easier in the dating realm since they don't have to be the initiators we don't have it easier. just as many women are terribly shy like the OP and get to adulthood as virgins. remember that women are often raised to be quiet/demure/shy/retiring, so it's just as hard for those women to get approached because they don't put themselves out there. you don't get approached all the time just because you're a female...it makes some men feel better to think that but it's simply not true. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 we don't have it easier. just as many women are terribly shy like the OP and get to adulthood as virgins. remember that women are often raised to be quiet/demure/shy/retiring, so it's just as hard for those women to get approached because they don't put themselves out there. you don't get approached all the time just because you're a female...it makes some men feel better to think that but it's simply not true. Well its not unheard of for guys, men to reach over 25, over 30 and still be a virgin, never had a relationship before, but you pretty much never hear women still being single and involuntary celibate at those ages, that's why I question before if women are just more quiet about it, do you know of any women that are 25+ or 30+ years of age who have never had a boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Well women don't have to be the initiators, so I feel they are less prone than men are to ending up like the OP Good guess They are a lot less prone. In fact, I don't know a single woman in my life that hasn't ever had a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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