myownfault Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 It is natural for you to have bitter feelings toward the OW....and your lying cheating H. But I don't think you should direct the majority of the blame towards the OW because you really don't know what kind of BS he fed her. I am not defending her actions, it is apparent that she did something wrong and hurtful. You said "You stepped into our lives at a time when my Husband was feeling low and vulnerable." He was vulnerable and she probably is right now, so the letter will just give her something to feed off of...If she has decided to move on, the letter will just bring her thoughts back to the relationship she shared with your husband and it may appear that she is still having an effect on your marriage. I applaud you for getting your feelings out but the last thing you want to do is stir up emotions again. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 I can understand how a letter is a good release for your emotions. I'm glad that you got it off your chest. Now I hope that you can drop it and move ahead, because like other posters, I can see where a letter like this sent to the OW would not be beneficial. The letter has an angry tone. That isn't suprising and you have the right to be angry, but being angry implies that you are still very emotional about the whole incident. As Tanbark said, it seems like you are trying to convince someone (her or yourself?) that things are good. The thing is, when one tries to convince others, they can seem insecure. Further, you told Record Producer that she has a history of "playing on people's pain" and you called her a smart-ass, simply because she sees things differently. I hope you aren't so offended by everyone who sees this differently. A person can learn a lot from other view points. I just happen to agree with what RP (and others) said. Yes, you DID say that you are aware of your husband's role in the situation, yet the anger and wording of your letter to the OW, gives the impression that everything is Honkey-Dorey with your marriage. If everything is wonderful, then you wouldn't be giving OW a second thought. Also, some wives have their husbands write a letter like that, in an attempt to make it look like the husband is sincerely over her. There are two problems with that tactic. First, most men probably wouldn't write a letter to a woman they left. What I've seen and read, most guys just stop contact. Second, the OW can most certainly tell by the vocabulary and tone that the wife is standing over his shoulder telling him what to write. (In essence, forcing him to do something that he would rather not do. And that might be part of the problem in the marriage to begin with.) So anyway . . . I think your husband has just as much, if not more, responsibility than the OW. Afterall, it DOES "take two to Tango." But, like I said, I'm glad you feel better after writing it. LH Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Your husband and this other woman had an affair because something was wrong in your marriage. Your marriage is about TWO people, not just your husband. While it doesn't help to point fingers and lay blame, the marriage had problems that both people needed to have addressed. Communication is the responsibility of both people, and IMHO, is the most important aspect. The best thing that a person can do is learn from the past - and others' experience - so that it isn't repeated. Good luck. LH Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Good letter but don't send it sending it lets her know that she got to you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Also, you don't know what transpired between her and your husband. You don't know what he said about you to her She may laugh at you when she reads the letter. Again, don't give her the satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Joyce - I also posted a letter to the OW on Love Shack and never sent it. The other posters on Loveshack gave me some really good advice and helped me understand that she doesn't deserve to know that she got to me. I, too, was very very angry at the OW for butting into my life. I could have committed a very serious crime. But looking back on it now, in an odd way I would like to thank her. Her interference open my eyes and my husbands eyes to what was wrong with our relationship. It is unfortunate that it had to come to that but his affair made up both stand up and pay attention, helped us realize how important we are to each other, and there is absolutely nothing that we can't and won't talk about now. We are much more sensitive to each other and we are totally enjoying every minute of every day of our lives. I see the OW as a sad, lonely, twisted kind of person who #1 did not have what it takes to take my man and #2 most likely has a terrible relationship with her own husband. You and your husband have done good work and the further you get away from that horrible time, the better off you will be. It will never go away and every once in a while something will happen to remind you, but I can assure you that it's nothing you can't handle. My husband wanted to take a vacation to the Caribbean to the same place we went when his infidelity was going on. I told him, not yet, even though I love that island. It would remind me of that painful time, the wound is not quite healed enough for that. I'm rooting for you. Give yourself time. I guarantee that eventually, you will forgive her and that will be a big step in your moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 That letter sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of all those things. yeah, the stress on WE and BOTH and TOGETHER says it all. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 as the OW, i would love to recieve that letter if my relationship w/MM ended. It would prove to me beyond any doubt that your M is VERY SHAKEY. If she truly didn't matter you wouldn't write her a letter. So if you want her to believe she is in the past, don't send it. In this situation, silence is golden and makes one feel very insignifcant - and contact w/OW proves her significance. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 When a husband cheats, it shakes your very foundation. A lot of the emotion you feel is anger. Anger at your husband, for sure, but that can be resolved by counseling, talking, crying, screaming, and showing him how much his infidelity hurt you. Writing a letter to the other woman (and never sending it) is a way for the wife (the victim) to get the thousands of angry thoughts and feelings out of her head. The other woman had no right to stick her nose (or anything else) into your business. She is no better than a thief who breaks into your house and steals something. A wife feels violated, unsafe - and unless she expresses it by writing or talking - it will never resolve. Clearly, Joyce and her husband have worked hard to get their marriage back on track and I'm sure their feelings for each other are much stronger than ever. Joyce needed to write those words, just as I did. Every wife who has been the victim of infidelity does not react the same way. But some NEED to express their anger towards the other woman. Yes, the husband is the one who broke the vows but the no good lousy b1tch who knew he was married and kept things going, deserves to burn in he11 as far as I'm concerned. She is not insignificant and never will be but she's not important nor a threat anymore. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world, standing stark naked with a big bag of money right in front of my husband and I TRUST that he would not be tempted again. That's how secure I feel in his love and in our relationship and I think that's how Joyce feels too. Unless you walk in our shoes, don't judge. Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Good post I Survived Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 If your post was directed at me, pls. re-read it and you'll see there was no judgement - I was actually encouraging Joyce not to make a fool of herself, giving her perspective on what her letter, if sent, may accomplish. Of course we all do what we want - I'm just firm believer in writing letters that are not sent. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 SH,, is this how you feel about the OW your H had an A with, or about all OW, in general? the no good lousy b1tch who knew he was married and kept things going, deserves to burn in he11 as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by MsMree as the OW, i would love to recieve that letter if my relationship w/MM ended. It would prove to me beyond any doubt that your M is VERY SHAKEY. If she truly didn't matter you wouldn't write her a letter. So if you want her to believe she is in the past, don't send it. In this situation, silence is golden and makes one feel very insignifcant - and contact w/OW proves her significance. That is what I thought MsMree. I have wrote a letter to the OW but never sent it b/c I knew if I did, she would think I was still letting her effect my life. I just needed to vent and get it all out. What I needed to say to her I told her over the phone when she called a few weeks after H broke up w/ her. He told her to stop calling but she continued to call about work related issues or about a co-worker. She didn't realize I was there until I answered the phone. We had a little talk and I told her to stop calling him. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 the no good lousy b1tch who knew he was married and kept things going, deserves to burn in he11 as far as I'm concerned. Originally posted by kkat SH,, is this how you feel about the OW your H had an A with, or about all OW, in general? Still Hurting was the on that posted that, not me, but I can agree w/ what she said....I feel this way about the OW that H had an A w/, not all OW in general. She is the only OW H had an A w/ so I can't say it about all OW, just her. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Considering the pain I went through and the writings on this forum, I'd say that I think ANY woman OR man that puts their nose in anyone else's relationship needs to suffer the same fate as previously penned. stillhurting - We have gone through similar experiences and I think we selected a name that was most appropriate at the time. I know you've moved past and things are better which is what we all want. SH Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 well, i hope the letter you wrote to your husband was three times more angry and vitriolic than the one you sent to the OW. he's the one that betrayed you. and before you get upset, nope, i didn't say that the OW's part in the mess is blameless - i'm simply saying that this anger you feel should be mostly towards your husband. if he had no issues then the affair would never ever have happened. no thieving woman could ever still a man that was faithful in his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyWheat Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 I think there are two kinds of other women the innocent ones and the homewreckers i think joyce needs to think about that...was this ow lied to by her husband or did she intentionally try to break up their marriage. it makes a big difference I would be livid if i was dealing with a homewrecker but if its an other woman who was lied to i would feel sorry for her ok maybe there are three types the fatal attraction one is a third i would say but i do tend to place ALL of the blame on the MARRIED MAN because in my view HE is the one who BROKE the VOW to me. He should not have pursued an extramarital relationship which means HE cheated on the wife. I feel bad for Joyce that she is not putting more blame on her husband.... but if she is truly dealing with a homewrecker/fatal attraction type woman i don't blame her for being pissed. the woman tried to steal her husband basically. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyWheat Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by Joyce G Me: BS, age 51 H: WS, age 53 Married: 30 years D-day 10-1-04 Affair lasted about 3 months Working thur this mess I'm new here... what is a bs and ws? Thanks honeywheat ps: great letter....it would be more effective if you put the first three lines somewhere else in the letter and took out the wishes of pain and torture...that is if you really send it Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Of course, the husband didn't have to LET himself be stolen, did he?????? Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Of course, the husband didn't have to LET himself be stolen, did he?????? Nope, he chose to stick his d!ck where it didn't belong. Even if the OW is persuing the MM he has a choice to say yes, or no. The OW didn't put a gun to his head and say "F@ck me or your dead!" Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 If my fiance ever cheats on me when we're married, I would hate the guts of the other woman. I understand that the difficult part is that you actually have feelings for your spouse and are willing to forgive them, while no feelings other than acute hate are involved towards the OW. But what bothers me is how you make it sound like the OW broke into your marriage and somehow got involved with your husband. Do you realize that most of the time it's the man who hits on the woman and she actually is bothered by the fact that he is married while the husband is the one that doesn't care? He is not a 15-year old child that unintentionally got himself into a bad company that made him try drugs so you can blame them and not your kid. The husband is the only one that's guilty before the betrayed wife, because even if the OW flirted with him or got naked he should've resisted the temptation. There are too many temptations in this world. Should we kill all beautiful women? Would you be happy if your husband hit on her and she said "No"? I wouldn't! I would rather that Angelina Jolie hits on my husband and he says "NO!" Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyWheat Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I liked hearing the betrayed spouses' perspective Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by HoneyWheat I'm new here... what is a bs and ws? Honeywheat, bs = betrayed spouse ws = wayward spouse ..................I think! Works for me anyway! Syl Link to post Share on other sites
peachtree Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 "...to the homewrecker who thought she was going to get my husband..." ? um, she already DID get him Obsessing excessively is very unheathy. And we cause ourselves lots of undue anxiety when we attempt to control other people, be it our spouse or whomever. Remember too, they ALWAYS say the affair is "Over" whether it is or not. I'm not so sure I'd be very thrilled to be the "Winner" here of this "prize" of a husband. Peachy Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by peachtree "...to the homewrecker who thought she was going to get my husband..." ? um, she already DID get him Obsessing excessively is very unheathy. And we cause ourselves lots of undue anxiety when we attempt to control other people, be it our spouse or whomever. Remember too, they ALWAYS say the affair is "Over" whether it is or not. I'm not so sure I'd be very thrilled to be the "Winner" here of this "prize" of a husband. Peachy Agreed. I appreciate the immense pain that infidelity creates, but that letter was the literary equivalent of a bitter fishwife unsuccessfully trying to pass herself off as a gracious lady. Bin it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Well there is no need to judge the feelings of anger and disappointment this woman experiences. I would feel terrible if my husband cheated on me. All her feelings are justified except one that might haunt her sub-conscience forever - she should face the fact that it's her husband who betrayed her and not the other woman. He is the one who was supposed to say "no." That's important because denial is stressful and leads to physical illness. It's better to accept the truth that he made a mistake and forgive him then lie to herself that she was the "bad guy" who raped her innocent husband. I do believe that he loves her and feels bad for what he did. But he at one point also loved the OW. The sooner we look at the eyes of our pain, the sooner we can get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
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