My letter to the homewrecker who thought she was going to get my Husband!!!!!!!

[I Survived]

"The sooner we look at the eyes of our pain, the sooner we can get over it".

 

Well said RP.

 

I guess I haven't really done that with my H. I thought that I had forgiven him but in an attempt to take it easy on him I have denied myself full closure. I thought that I did blame him but I realize that I put more blame on the OW. I took it easy on him and now I'm paying the price. I recently find myself feeling very low (I've been depressed before and the symptons are the same). My husband sees this behavior and he is really trying to help me get through it. How do I tell him that I haven't completely forgiven him? He just wants it over and he wants to move on, but I'm not done getting over it yet. Do I have to forgive myself for being such a fool? I guess he and I have to have another talk - I truly hope it's the last.

[lindya]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Well there is no need to judge the feelings of anger and disappointment this woman experiences.

 

Feelings are not to be judged, but the expression of those feelings is a different matter - and you can guarantee that the OW would judge that letter with extreme scorn and contempt. Any guilt she felt would probably be diminished, and the letter would achieve nothing other than to make the OP look ridiculous if her husband ever did betray her again.

 

I see it was written a couple of months ago, so I'm hopeful that it never got sent.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by I Survived

I guess I haven't really done that with my H. I thought that I had forgiven him but in an attempt to take it easy on him I have denied myself full closure. I thought that I did blame him but I realize that I put more blame on the OW. I took it easy on him and now I'm paying the price. I recently find myself feeling very low (I've been depressed before and the symptoms are the same). My husband sees this behavior and he is really trying to help me get through it. How do I tell him that I haven't completely forgiven him? He just wants it over and he wants to move on, but I'm not done getting over it yet. Do I have to forgive myself for being such a fool? I guess he and I have to have another talk - I truly hope it's the last.

 

You're not a fool. But you feel like one, you're very hurt. Honestly, I couldn't simply forgive. I would either get divorced or cheat back on him. That would probably make me feel much better, but I guess I haven't been there and can't talk. It must be tough to feel betrayed and imagine them together. It seems that he had fun and now you will suffer for the rest of your life.

He wants it over because he is selfish and is thinking of himself only. Did he do anything to make it up to you? Did he become extremely affectionate and remorseful?

Imagine that you broke up for a while, he dated someone else and then got back to you. Or let it go. Or let him go. Tell him how terrible you feel. Do you have children together? For how long have you been married?

[sugar-rae]

I think Joyce did a good thing by writing the letter. Sending it is really unneccesary. She's confident in how she comes across in her wording and so I have to say, I disagree with Record Producer's opinion of JOyce's letter.

I believe Joyce IS over the A and just needed to put it into words on paper to look at it and say, Yes, that's it...now lets turn the page.

 

Bravo, Joyce!

[Guest]

After all is said and done Steve chose me twice!!!!

 

 

Wow, Steve is some prize, too. I mean, being a cheater and all. I wouldn't want to admit to the world that I "won" THAT prize.

[peachtree]

The other woman had no right to stick her nose (or anything else) into your business. She is no better than a thief who breaks into your house and steals something. .

She is not insignificant and never will be but she's not important nor a threat anymore. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world, standing stark naked with a big bag of money right in front of my husband and I TRUST that he would not be tempted again. That's how secure I feel in his love and in our relationship and I think that's how Joyce feels too. Unless you walk in our shoes, don't judge.

These statements are foolish. The wife's morals are not TOW's morals, obviously, and neither TOW, nor the husband, cares about "morals" when they are with each other. They have love and passion for each other! I've said this before, they always say the affair is over, and many times it is not. They will say anything to get the wife off their back. And the affair may very well intensify, but they will be much more careful in the future. Like a thief who breaks into your house? Nice try, but an idiotic analogy. If my husband is so damned thrilled to be married to me, he is not going to fall in love with another woman. When our husband strays, we have lost to TOW, and will never have back what we (thought) we had before. IMO

peachy

[LucreziaBorgia]

When our husband strays, we have lost to TOW, and will never have back what we (thought) we had before. IMO

peachy

 

You are right. It will never be the same. Trying to make it the same will fail. But... that blade cuts two ways:

 

Sometimes an affair can bring to light problems in the marriage, and when those problems are resolved and the healing process beings and progresses - sometimes the bonds of the marriage are redefined into something stronger. Ironic that an OW or OM can be the thing that exposes the inherent cracks in the marriage, and brings about the destruction that is followed by a much stronger renewal.

 

However, if the problems aren't addressed and resolved, and healing does not or cannot happen then at best all you have is a irreparable break in the marriage that will always bear the infection of that infidelity - which sadly enough, leaves a vulnerability to even more infidelity.

[newbby]

I have skimmed through alot of this thread as it is long, but would like to respond to a couple of things.

1: Alot of people seem to be of the opinion that the OW would take great pleasure from reading the pain evident in this letter. Whilst the letter itself does not do as it is intended, (make you look like you have not been negatively affected by the affair) as it is clearly a defensive piece of writing, I doubt very much that the ow would take any pleasure at all in knowing that her actions hurt you. I doubt very much that she would read it with scorn and contempt, I doubt that she would laugh. I doubt that she got into the affair because she loves drama. I doubt that she set out to "steal" a husband, and I really doubt that she took a personal delight in your pain.

From your letter it seems that you are taking the ow's actions as personal to yourself, and I dont think that this kind of thinking is very healthy for you.

The affair itself was nothing to do with you, and you cannot possibly know why or how it happened, less still, the feelings or (very probably) subconcious motivations behind it. You were hurt and damaged by it because your husband broke your trust and faith in him and the solidity of your marriage with it. There will always be women around, and I'm sorry, but you cannot expect every woman on this earth who barely knows you to put your interests before their own. If any woman were thinking clearly and emotionally healthy, not vulnerable, or temporarily weak or needy, they would never have an affair with a married man, not because of their concerns for him or his family, but because of their concerns for THEMSELVES. The ow after all, got lied to and used as some kind of bandaid for problems in your marriage, for problems the man they have fallen in love with is having with the wife he loves. It is a vulnerable woman indeed who lets herself fall into that pit, not somebody who wishes to inflict pain on all the wives in the world.

No doubt she feels terrible herself, not just for what she has done to herself, but also for what she allowed herself to be (an accomplice to a husbands wrecking of his marriage), she also was probably pretty unaware of just how much of an innocent victim you were in all of this. Married men are notorious for telling their ow all kinds of horror stories in order to keep the affair going. They do this because they dont want to lose their wife, but at the moment in time, they also want to keep the ow hanging on.

He may have been vulnerable, but so was she.

You said:

Some people do make mistakes and learn from them. Why judge people for that

Why apply this only to your husbands mistakes?

I understand that in order to work on your marriage you need to take steps in forgiving your husband. However, if you really put the blame on to the ow, then you are NOT forgiving your husband at all. You are not even acknowledging exactly what he has done wrong, so how can you forgive it?

You SAY you place the majority of blame with your husband, however, if that was the case, then you would NOT be seeing the ow as a nasty and vindictive person, who set out to destroy you and would take great pleasure in your pain. This is a fantasy, it is not real.

[whichwayisup]

You SAY you place the majority of blame with your husband, however, if that was the case, then you would NOT be seeing the ow as a nasty and vindictive person, who set out to destroy you and would take great pleasure in your pain. This is a fantasy, it is not real.

 

But is it real to her. And her doing the letter, but not sending it was another piece in the puzzle for closure. Her thoughts and feelings count. A vent is a vent and at the end of the day it's all good if it helps her heal. She is allowed to see the OW in any light she wants. I'm sure that she has blamed her husband, big time, but the OW is at fault too, she knew he was married, belonging to somebody else - But in the head of the moment that isn't a factor in midst of an affair, is it.

[newbby]

Sure her thoughts and feelings count, and of course she can see the ow any way she wants to. Just pointing out that it probably isnt the reality, thats all.