I feel guilty and ashamed but I need to break up with my gf coz she got raped

[NightRyder]

Hi all,

 

Ive been reading through these threads for the past few days desperately trying to find a situation similar to mine but couldnt find any.

 

I met this amazingly beautiful girl a few months ago after been single for a year after a really bad break up from a long term relationship.

 

We have been basically inseparable. I cant think of one day which we either havent seen each other or talked for hours on the phone. Its a funny thing to say but I cant remember a time before her. Shes in her late 20s and Im in my early 30s and we have a great connection.

 

Anyway we have been waiting on having sex until its the right time. We thought we would explore other ways of intimacy before going in for the home run so speak. Shes got a more elaborate sexual history than me (shes experimented with girls as well) and Im ok with all that and I never really gave it much thought due to this fantastic connection we have (or so I thought!)

 

But last week we were spooning in bed and just talking normally about where the relationship was going and she told me she has a deep secret - she was raped by 3 men a few years ago Although we both got emotional of course I tried to make it seem as if its no big deal and I was there to support her, shes very strong and said she wasnt going to let the rapists win and she wants to find true love and shes glad shes met me.

 

Anyway in short Im so ashamed (and pathetic) to admit I dont see her the same way any longer. I cant sleep. I can barely eat. I cant get images of her getting gang banged out of my head and I am turned off by the thought of her sexually. So much so that I cringe even if shes changing in front of me. I kiss and hug her but thats about it. Even though shes so sexual and intelligent with regards to every aspect of her life - obviously getting raped has made her more resilient. Shes so wonderful like that.

 

I still talk/hang out with her every day but shes picking up small tone changes with me and thinks Im treating her different (which I am). I dont know how to break it off with her without hurting her. Im slowly dropping hints that Im physically not up to her standards, that she can do better than me, I may have to move due to work and cant do long distance relationships etc. But she keeps saying itll work out and writes me poems and sends me lovely messages and videos.

 

Im heart broken but I dont want to waste her time coz she deserves a stronger and more wonderful guy than me. I can never give her this acceptance. I keep reliving her rape over and over again in my head. Its horrible.

 

Whats the best way to conclude this? I will never ever see her sexually again or see her anything more than a friend. I dont wish to see a therapist either as Ive made my decision.

 

I apologise in advance if I offend anyone with the feelings I am having.

 

Thank you.

 

KR

[Satu]

Let her go.

 

She needs to be with a man who loves her.

 

Be as gentle about it as you can.

[NightRyder]

I will. I am. But but how!? Thats why I wrote my post.

 

Simply ignoring her wont do it as it will get her angry, telling her the truth will hurt her a lot. My gut tells me to play along for a few weeks and then it will all slowly fall away. But its the what to do and what not to do in those few weeks is what I am seeking advice on.

[aliveagain]

It wasn't her fault, she is a victim and it happened years before you met her. Why would you blame her for something she had no control over? The problem is not with her, the problem is with you and you need to talk to a professional about this issue.

[mrldii]

I will. I am. But but how!? Thats why I wrote my post.

 

Simply ignoring her wont do it as it will get her angry, telling her the truth will hurt her a lot. My gut tells me to play along for a few weeks and then it will all slowly fall away. But its the what to do and what not to do in those few weeks is what I am seeking advice on.

 

Honestly? This is one of those cases where you tell the truth, but not the whole truth.

 

You break it off now by saying, "I'm just not feeling it anymore." When pushed for a reason, you simply say, "I don't know...I'm just not."

 

What you DON'T do is tell the whole truth which is, "because you got raped". THAT is re-victimizing the victim.

 

If you simply can't control yourself and feel you MUST be absolutely candid, then be sure to tell the whole whole truth which is, "because you got raped and even though I'm older than you, I'm too immature to process the information and refuse to get help because I already know I'm right to make you a victim of the rape, again."

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

[Satu]

I will. I am. But but how!? Thats why I wrote my post.

 

Simply ignoring her wont do it as it will get her angry, telling her the truth will hurt her a lot. My gut tells me to play along for a few weeks and then it will all slowly fall away. But its the what to do and what not to do in those few weeks is what I am seeking advice on.

 

Avoid shaming her at all costs.

 

Its bad enough going through such a horrible ordeal, without being shamed as a consequence of it.

 

To be perfectly honest, it might just be best for you to say you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, that it's not her fault, and then just vanish.

 

As I said earlier, she needs to be with someone who loves her.

 

 

This is my last post to this thread.

[Els]

I dont wish to see a therapist either as Ive made my decision.

 

So you 'can't sleep and can barely eat' because she told you about a crime that she was the victim of years ago, but you won't even consider seeing a professional (if not a therapist, then a psychologist, or sex/relationships counselor, or whatever brand of professional you like) about it.

 

Sounds to me like you're just making excuses to break up with her. I just hope that she sees this for what it is - a boy who is too weak and immature to even attempt to seek help for his issues. In that case you leaving her will be a good thing, as it will free her up to be with a man who is able to take accountability for himself.

 

If you'd actually made even the tiniest effort to TRY and work through this, my response would be different.

[stillafool]

No, tell her the truth! She deserves to know the truth otherwise she will drive herself crazy trying to find out what went wrong. Tell her how you really feel about her rape so she will have an easier time getting over you. I'm sure when she finds out how you feel about the most devastating thing to ever happen to her she will be happy to find the exit door.

[Yummm]

I'm sorry I find this disgusting. Why would you be so turned off by this, the poor woman got abused and you wouldn't be by her side supporting her through this? Rather you get turned off sexually because of a disgusting crime that other men did to her? You talk about this woman so highly, how you connect, how perfect she is.. Then why??

 

Pfft, sorry I disrupted the topic but it's crazy.

 

DO NOT tell her the truth, it will definitely make her feel victim again, like she can't get anybody because of what happened.

[WomenWubber]

Break up and sugarcoat it all you can. Maybe she'll appreciate not being told the truth, even though she already knows it.

[Gus Grimly]

Be Sensitive and Caring to her. She may be strong to your face, but you have to understand this woman has been through some major trauma in her life. She has to live with it everyday. You have no idea how much pain she's suffered because of this tragedy.

 

What she needs is an equally strong man who will not be disgusted and repulsed that she was a victim of one of the worst crimes a woman could ever suffer. She needs a man who can look past that and give her the love and support she desperately needs.

 

Just because people appear strong doesn't mean they aren't dying a thousand deaths inside. Please be kind and sensitive to her. It's not her fault.

[minimariah]

I dont wish to see a therapist either as Ive made my decision.

 

you SHOULD see a therapist -- for YOU. not for her or to help you with the relationship. finding out that someone close to you was raped & as a consequence being turned off by this "ganbgang" (?!) shows that there is an error in your coping mechanism & emotional side.

 

it's also a little appalling that you don't know how to simply break up a relationship. i see huge avoidance issues, lack of tact + sensitivity chip. every other random John Doe would know how to break up a relationship simply by saying that they aren't feeling it anymore... the fact that you can't is... well, weird.

 

deal with that mess.

Edited August 9, 2015 by minimariah

[TaraMaiden2]

Youdefinitely need psycho-sexual counselling.

 

Braking it off with her will actually make you feel worse, because this sentiment will linger, and you'll never forget why you broke up with her.

 

If this goes on, you'll end up hating yourself for your feelings.

I'm not passing judgement, but you need to see someone, because feeling this way about the most important and significant person in your life, is illogical and ultimately, emotionally crippling.

 

Don't see someone 'because' you want to break up with her.

 

See someone for the 'why' you want to break up with her.

[Meli22]

If you truly loved her and wanted it to work you'd see a therapist. Everyone has a sexual past and I can only imagine how hurt she'd feel knowing you felt appalled by her over something that was beyond her control, and something that has obviously impacted her in a huge way. Let her go. She deserves someone who will help her move past things like that, not someone who isn't mature enough to actually deal with it. Sorry but I think you're using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. If you actually wanted it to work you'd make it work.

[Meli22]

And no, don't tell her the truth. Something like that could honestly turn someone suicidal. I'm all for honesty in a break up but you can't tell someone you can't be with them because they were raped. She feels victim enough and has probably spent a long time beating herself up over it. Don't add to that.

[dyna85]

I think you should be completely truthful. Communicate to her what is going on with you. If you clear the air, it might reduce or eliminate this built up mess in your head over the situation.

 

 

I would want someone to be honest with me, even if the truth hurt.

 

 

It's not her fault she was raped and it's not your fault you feel the way you do.

 

 

I think an open and honest discussion with her might even allow you to resolve the issue without the need for a breakup.

 

 

Sometimes the crap that goes on in our heads just needs an outlet, and I feel like in this case, further discussion about the issue is in order before calling it quits.

 

 

I disagree with others who are coming down hard and criticizing you for feeling the way you do just because I feel sometimes you can't control how you feel and who is anyone to judge your inherent feelings? Feelings aren't wrong or right, they just 'are,' in my opinion.

 

 

If anything, I don't think you need further critical judgment when it seems you are already tortured enough by your reaction to her deep secret.

 

 

I think in all relationships issues arise, and sometimes those issues are immensely difficult. I think communication is key in such instances.

[dp_322]

You sir, are a coward. You don't deserve her.

 

I would suggest you treat her badly and dump her in a ugly manner so she will she what a horrible person you truly are.

 

Don't ever tell her it's because of the horrible thing that happened to her.

If she told you it was a big secret, she perhaps is telling you because she trusts you and most likely she hasn't told many people about this, if anyone.

 

The reason I'm being harsh is because I KNOW your situation. And your reaction is sickening to me.

 

If you tell her your reasons she most likely will feel "dirty", she might even do stupid things like speed up intimacy with bunch of other people that she will regret later, to try to get rid of her "not feeling ready problem".

 

It may cause her major pain, as if she's to blame, her feeling "dirty" and not worthy. If you must tell her the truth you MUST SKIP OUT that you don't see her as a sexual being. You rather tell her the right truth, that you are a coward, you don't know how to handle this situation and she deserves someone who isn't as immature as you are. And you can tell her you can't handle the idea of other people hurting her so badly, that it makes you go crazy and you can't stop thinking about it.

 

She told you her deepest secret, because she thought she could trust you.

You rejecting her may resolve in her never telling anybody about this again, bottle it up and never work through it. That will basicly wreck her every future relationships.

 

So when you brake it off, DO NOT tell her you don't see her as a sexual being.

[anna121]

I would not tell her the reason.

 

IMO you should be a bit brutal about it. Not unkind, but direct and cold. Just say you don't want to be in a relationship and then go completely NC.

 

There is no way you can make her feel "ok" about this. None. So forget about that as a goal. You need to separate from her so that she can begin to get over you as fast as possible.

 

And then, yes, IMO you do need to consider counselling.

[Yummm]

This is so messed up on so many different levels, it's hard to read.

 

This poor woman will be broken for absolutely no reason atall, what the hell?

[SammySammy]

She trusted you enough to reveal her deepest, darkest secret to you. You're reacting in the worst way.

 

I'm not really bashing you though, because I understand. I was once a virgin with my own set of views and feelings about sex. Was overly critical and harsh about the sexual past of a girl who loved me with all her heart. Naturally, the relationship ended.

 

I knew then - and it's even more clear to me now - I was wrong. Wrong. Simply wrong. Regrettably wrong.

 

Break up with this girl. I don't care how you do it. She deserves better.

 

However, I have a feeling you're going to look back one day and wish you had handled it better. Either through finding a way to positively deal with your feelings or simply being kinder and more compassionate to her when you had the chance.

[Dutchman1]

You shouldn't even be having a cat. Try a goldfish, those are as coldhearted as you.

 

Dutchman 1

[Keats]

This is sad to read. It's kinda deprived.

 

It's obvious you don't love her. So it's obvious you should break up.

 

You feel guilt because of the person you are. Which isn't the best person at all. Maybe you are among the many men in our society who think rape is nothing but sex and shame. Actually rape is violence and as a woman the amount of pain and suffering we feel physically during rape is actual torture.

 

I would say you should alleviate your clear ignorance on this topic as a man.

 

Definitely breakup with her. How you do it is up to you. She'll be hurt either way.

[theredpill]

Please do this gently Op and then go seek the help you require, this is not a normal reaction.

 

My ex had epilepsy, used to catch her when she'd fall and not once did her fits make me want to dump her. Every time she came round, she couldn't remember anything for a while so we'd make light of the situation, the last one was in the cinema, thought she'd woken up in the future, we lol'd

 

This was your chance to capture her heart, what an epic fail.

[NightRyder]

Thanks all for the feedback and suggestions. Really appreciate it.

 

For the record Im not blaming her for anything that happened to her at all. Im not heartless person at all but its easy for some of you (and warranted in this circumstance) to think of me as slightly less evil as the rapists. My own humanity is shattered by this.

 

Its very hard to accept these things, and the horror of the rape of course is 1000 times worse for her. Its alarming to think many of you think Im not taking that into consideration.

 

It seems from the feedback the best idea is to break it up and dont ever tell her the truth and do it in such a way to make her hate me to so its easier to get over.

 

On a side note Im so glad this website exists and what good it does for many people.

[theredpill]

Everyone is different dude, it's just not the response I think most people would have which is more along the lines of "baby, I don't care about any of that, think you're amazing, come here an gimme some shugga" you'd be a god in her eyes.

 

You've listened to the advise and you seem to have a steady head, good luck.