I feel guilty and ashamed but I need to break up with my gf coz she got raped

[NightRyder]

Everyone is different dude, it's just not the response I think most people would have which is more along the lines of "baby, I don't care about any of that, think you're amazing, come here an gimme some shugga" you'd be a god in her eyes.

 

You've listened to the advise and you seem to have a steady head, good luck.

 

Thanks theredpill

[bubbaganoosh]

The problem is you have a porno mind movie going on in your head that your girl friend was smiling, laughing and having a great time taking care of three guys at some huge orgy and after they have drinks and talk about it.

 

If anything its a horror movie of a woman who was brutalized through no fault of her own who had her dignity ripped away from her in a inexcusable way.

 

At least she's trying with all her might to live a normal life and is happy with you so now you want to kick her in the teeth for something that wasn't her fault. Real nice. Let her go so she can find someone who has a more mature out look on life. You wont do her any good except find fault with her.

[Yummm]

I think you should be completely truthful. Communicate to her what is going on with you. If you clear the air, it might reduce or eliminate this built up mess in your head over the situation.

 

 

I would want someone to be honest with me, even if the truth hurt.

 

 

It's not her fault she was raped and it's not your fault you feel the way you do.

 

 

I think an open and honest discussion with her might even allow you to resolve the issue without the need for a breakup.

 

 

Sometimes the crap that goes on in our heads just needs an outlet, and I feel like in this case, further discussion about the issue is in order before calling it quits.

 

 

I disagree with others who are coming down hard and criticizing you for feeling the way you do just because I feel sometimes you can't control how you feel and who is anyone to judge your inherent feelings? Feelings aren't wrong or right, they just 'are,' in my opinion.

 

 

If anything, I don't think you need further critical judgment when it seems you are already tortured enough by your reaction to her deep secret.

 

 

I think in all relationships issues arise, and sometimes those issues are immensely difficult. I think communication is key in such instances.

 

I completely disagree. Yes, everybody is allowed to have their feelings and sometimes feelings can't change. Nobody is criticizing this man for expressing his feelings, but his feelings are clearly a sign of some personal problem going on that he needs to either fix or seek help for. This is definitely not a normal thing to be turned off by, especially when he talks so highly of this girl and how great she is.

 

Relationships have problems, this, should NOT be a problem.

 

Also, you wouldn't want to be told the truth about this. I have many good friends I know who have been raped and it scars them for life. For her to open up to him like she has and then be crushed because of her being a victim will cause her to suffer for many many more years. I was broken up with and I was blindsided, 'thinking what did I do wrong?' etc. It sucked, but it wouldn't suck as much as being told that my man parts weren't good enough or something like that. I gained my own closure, and so will she.

[dp_322]

Another thing I'd like to add. Rape is NOT sex. There is nothing sexual about rape. Rape is pure violence. Nothing sex related. The fact you get turned off and can't see her as a sexual being because she was raped screams that you link rape and sex in the same category. That is a problem you must address.

 

Let's look at it this way:

A kid loves to play baseball. He plays with his friends after school every day.

One day, on his way to the baseball field, he is happy and has his baseball bat, some bullies attack him, take his baseball bat and beat him with it. The kid is bloody and scared. Runs home, cleans him self up and tries to hide the fact he got jumped. He doesn't go to the field the next day, nor the day after. He is afraid to be attacked again. He even doesn't really like his baseball bat because it reminds him of the attack.

Some weeks and months go by and he misses playing baseball, and remembers why he loves the game. He built up his courage to take his bat and walk to the field again.

Once he arrives the kids ask him why he hasn't been playing with them.

He tells them his deep secret. He was attacked on the way to the field and got beaten up with his baseball bat.

The kids don't want to play baseball with him any more because they don't consider him a baseball player anymore, because he got beaten up with a baseball bat.

 

Well, this is your logic. Stupid isn't it?

[mrldii]

Another thing I'd like to add. Rape is NOT sex. There is nothing sexual about rape. Rape is pure violence. Nothing sex related. The fact you get turned off and can't see her as a sexual being because she was raped screams that you link rape and sex in the same category. That is a problem you must address.

 

Let's look at it this way:

A kid loves to play baseball. He plays with his friends after school every day.

One day, on his way to the baseball field, he is happy and has his baseball bat, some bullies attack him, take his baseball bat and beat him with it. The kid is bloody and scared. Runs home, cleans him self up and tries to hide the fact he got jumped. He doesn't go to the field the next day, nor the day after. He is afraid to be attacked again. He even doesn't really like his baseball bat because it reminds him of the attack.

Some weeks and months go by and he misses playing baseball, and remembers why he loves the game. He built up his courage to take his bat and walk to the field again.

Once he arrives the kids ask him why he hasn't been playing with them.

He tells them his deep secret. He was attacked on the way to the field and got beaten up with his baseball bat.

The kids don't want to play baseball with him any more because they don't consider him a baseball player anymore, because he got beaten up with a baseball bat.

 

Well, this is your logic. Stupid isn't it?

 

 

Excellent post; excellent analogy.

 

Perhaps if OP reads it and *gets* it, he won't need to see a counselor, after all.

[dyna85]

I completely disagree. Yes, everybody is allowed to have their feelings and sometimes feelings can't change. Nobody is criticizing this man for expressing his feelings, but his feelings are clearly a sign of some personal problem going on that he needs to either fix or seek help for. This is definitely not a normal thing to be turned off by, especially when he talks so highly of this girl and how great she is.

 

Relationships have problems, this, should NOT be a problem.

 

Also, you wouldn't want to be told the truth about this. I have many good friends I know who have been raped and it scars them for life. For her to open up to him like she has and then be crushed because of her being a victim will cause her to suffer for many many more years. I was broken up with and I was blindsided, 'thinking what did I do wrong?' etc. It sucked, but it wouldn't suck as much as being told that my man parts weren't good enough or something like that. I gained my own closure, and so will she.

 

I respectfully disagree.

 

 

As I stated, I don't think the OP can control his reaction to the news and think he should communicate how he feels and try to work through it. I don't think he is a bad person as he clearly states he's tormented by feeling the way he does. If he was repulsed by his gf for this reason and didn't question his feelings, that in my opinion, would be cause for concern.

 

 

I think everyone has different reactions to different scenarios and no one knows how they would react in any given scenario unless they've been there, so to judge someone for feeling a certain way when you yourself have not been there, is not right.

 

 

I also think that if he were to open up to her, they could have a discussion about it and potentially resolve the issue. If he doesn't want to open up and disclose the reason, that is fine too.

 

 

However, I see nothing wrong with opening up to her. I personally think it's the honorable thing to do and would want someone to tell me. I don't believe I would feel further victimized as I would realize that it's not my fault and/or in my control to dictate the feelings of another, and I would respect the person for being honest with me.

 

 

You're speaking as a non rape victim, so you can't say for sure that a rape victim would want the truth sugarcoated in an instance like this.

[jen1447]

Whats the best way to conclude this? I will never ever see her sexually again or see her anything more than a friend. I dont wish to see a therapist either as Ive made my decision.

 

I will. I am. But but how!? Thats why I wrote my post.

 

Simply ignoring her wont do it as it will get her angry, telling her the truth will hurt her a lot. My gut tells me to play along for a few weeks and then it will all slowly fall away. But its the what to do and what not to do in those few weeks is what I am seeking advice on.

 

No, tell her the truth! She deserves to know the truth otherwise she will drive herself crazy trying to find out what went wrong. Tell her how you really feel about her rape so she will have an easier time getting over you. I'm sure when she finds out how you feel about the most devastating thing to ever happen to her she will be happy to find the exit door.

 

What stillafool said ^ gotta tell the truth. She'll already know the reason anyway. (Days after she confesses about being raped, you get distant and soon dump her. 1 + 1 = 2.) The only thing you'll achieve by not being truthful is to add insult to injury by letting her know you don't respect her enough to tell her that truth and that you don't think she's stable enough to handle it. Being untruthful would be for your benefit to give you an easier way out, not hers.

[lollipopspot]

Try a goldfish, those are as coldhearted as you.

 

Nope, actually fish have an emotional life too

Do fish have feelings too? It's a slippery question for science | Daily Mail Online

 

I don't believe I would feel further victimized as I would realize that it's not my fault

 

Most rape victims do question what they did wrong that this happened to them, no matter what the circumstance, and there is a very large chorus in society that also questions where they went, what they drank, what they wore, etc. There is no rape victim who is not put under scrutiny. Rape comes with a lot more shame than other crimes.

 

I don't know whether it would be good to tell her or not. It depends on how she has dealt with the event.

[dyna85]

 

Most rape victims do question what they did wrong that this happened to them, no matter what the circumstance, and there is a very large chorus in society that also questions where they went, what they drank, what they wore, etc. There is no rape victim who is not put under scrutiny. Rape comes with a lot more shame than other crimes.

 

Lollipopspot,

 

I know most rape victims do question what they did wrong. You took my comment out of context. I was saying I don't believe that I would feel further victimized if my bf broke up with me because I'd been raped in the past. I would recognize that my bf's inability to cope with the situation is not my fault, so in that regard, I wouldn't feel further victimized.

 

I wanted to clarify my point because in no way am I saying the actual aftermath of rape doesn't result in feelings of shame and victimization.

[jay1983]

Therapy is very very expensive. I understand how you feel, you can't get the image of her being raped out of your head. I say break it off, it's too much on you and for you to go through over someone you've only been seeing for a few months.

[Keats]

What with all the "sex education" and openness on sex. Rape really got left behind. Sad society.

[Satu]

Error - deleted.

[mr_dave]

It's sad that you don't see her in the same way after finding out she has been raped. Do you now feel guilt for having sexual feelings towards her? Or do you see her as being tainted?

 

For example, I wouldn't ever have sex with a prostitute. I might be really attracted to one - (I've been propositioned by some really sexy women whilst out and about at night when travelling) but knowing in the back of my mind that 95% of them (or whatever the stat is) have been victims of sexual abuse growing up, I could never go through with it.

 

I don't know, if I were in the OP's position, I could imagine feeling bad/guilty for lusting after her/wanting sex from her, like how the rapists lusted after her....

[anna121]

I respectfully disagree.

 

...

 

However, I see nothing wrong with opening up to her. I personally think it's the honorable thing to do and would want someone to tell me. I don't believe I would feel further victimized as I would realize that it's not my fault and/or in my control to dictate the feelings of another, and I would respect the person for being honest with me.

 

 

You're speaking as a non rape victim, so you can't say for sure that a rape victim would want the truth sugarcoated in an instance like this.

 

The problem is:

 

(a) this is entirely his issue, not hers. She doesn't need to know about it. There is absolutely nothing she can do about the reason. Her history is what it is. People will be able to deal with it, or they won't. It would be the same if she was the victim of another horrible crime. Say a severe beating. Or torture. His inability to deal with it reflects on him. Nor her. (Of course, the trick here is that it is only rape that is likely to trigger this reaction. But whatever.)

 

(b) the risk is between someone wondering why a person lost interest, which could be upsetting; and knowing the real reason and turning it inward, suffering horrific feelings of rejection and re-traumatization.

 

IMO there is no comparison between the personal harm that the person is likely to feel in wondering the truth, versus having it put right on the table. Not when it is linked to something so horrific.

 

What any of us would prefer is irrelevant.

 

So....given that we DON'T know what she would prefer, it is glaringly obvious that OP should err on the side of caution, which is not to risk retraumatizing her when he breaks up with her.

[minimariah]

(...) ...he's tormented by feeling the way he does. If he was repulsed by his gf for this reason and didn't question his feelings, that in my opinion, would be cause for concern.

 

he is feeling repulsed by his GF because of the fact that she has been gangraped and isn't questioning his feelings at all - if he was, he'd be looking for some good counseling right now.

 

also, the part i see MANY missed... the OP isn't tormented by the RAPE at all. he is tormented by the part where his GF had sex with more than one man at the same time. see this...? --->

 

(...)

Shes got a more elaborate sexual history than me (shes experimented with girls as well) and Im ok with all that and I never really gave it much thought due to this fantastic connection we have (or so I thought!)

(...)

I cant get images of her getting gang banged out of my head and I am turned off by the thought of her sexually.

 

the OP has turned the rape into a sexual fantasy - a gangbang. he is repulsed by her because he sees her as "dirty" BECAUSE she slept with more than one man at the same time. the use of "i can't get images of her getting gang banged" INSTEAD of "i can't get images of her getting raped" is NOT coincidental. he cannot see her as a victim at all, he cannot see her as someone who has been HURT by rape. he KNOWS that logically - she IS the victim and is hurt... but cannot actually VIEW her that way. he is only able to see the "gangbang" part & THAT part is what's turning him off -- not the rape as a crime. he cannot even see that his GF had been through a crime - in his mind, she had been gangbanged. that's it.

 

we cannot control our reactions but when you react the way the OP did? you need to check yourself into counseling. HUGE RED FLAG. & counselors are out there getting paid to explain to you WHY it's a red flag in the 1st place.

Edited August 10, 2015 by minimariah

[dyna85]

Anna, you say 'what any of us would prefer is irrelevant' and then go on to give your view on the appropriate course of action, which is your preference, and not necessarily the rape victim's preference. We cannot speak for her. We are not her.

 

We can only give our personal perspective on the situation. In my view, he should be truthful. In your view, he should conceal the truth. So, agree to disagree.

 

As for minimariah, the OP notes his distress over his thoughts and feelings concerning the rape. Yes his view is distorted and it seems he recognizes this.

 

Did you go to counseling when you had an affair? Because that's a HUGE red flag in my book and indicates there are issues needing addressing.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

[RocketQueen]

I've started typing and deleted this reply a few times because I am struggling to find the words to say...I love this forum, I'm more a lurker than a poster but find the people here to be helpful in their replies, this thread proves that, I think the replies have been very constructive given the emotive topic.

 

This just makes me feel sad that your opinion of someone so perfect can be changed so dramatically- how you can be accepting of her experimental past and judgemental of something that was forced upon her.

 

I think as some of the others have said she will already be aware of the coincidental timing of the sudden change in your feelings towards her, so I think you should be as truthful as you can. I can't offer any advice on how to do it as its a thought process I myself can't begin to comprehend.

 

She deserves someone who has empathy towards what she has been through and who can over look this terrible crime. Who can see her as the perfect person they thought she was before and STILL IS.

 

I think you would benefit from either therapy or sitting down and asking yourself why this bothers you so much when you claim you were fine with her experimenting sexually ... Or do you think the two are connected for you deep down?

 

Either way, not wanting to sound harsh, I think she's dodged a bullet.

 

Good luck and I wish the lovely lady wherever she is a future filled with love, understanding and acceptance.

[aliveagain]

I think you should tell her the truth so she can get over you in a nanosecond. That courageous woman doesn't need someone like you in her life. Imagine a woman leaving you because she found out you were wounded by shrapnel serving your country years ago, even though you healed. I am glad your not dating my daughters is about all I can say. You should talk to a professional because very few people are perfect and your in for a world of rejection unless you change how you view people. I agree with RocketQueen, she dogged a bullet.

Edited August 10, 2015 by aliveagain

[todreaminblue]

as a woman who has been raped i will say, you feel what you feel......

 

 

be honest to a degree(cant believe i wrote that)...you arent suitable for this woman....let her go .....i dont know how....or what you should say.because i actually feel a bit sick inside at what you have written and seeing i feel that way....i have a sense that she would too.......but i know you should just let her go gently........i would not want a relationship with a guy who couldnt love me because of what another man did to me...........you cannot love her the way she should be or what she deserves to have in her life.....do it soon...let her find a man who accepts her for who she is now.....and one more thing....we are survivors.....and as a survivor....she will go on without you into a brighter future with a guy who truly cares eventually....so let her go soon..........deb

[jen1447]

^ I think deb illustrates the truth point well (maybe not even intentionally) ....

 

"let her find a man who accepts her for who she is now"

 

....in order to be able to do that and understand it, she needs to understand that there are some men who don't accept her for who she is now. Hence she needs to know that OP is rejecting her bc of her rape history. She needs the truth in order to be equipped to pursue sth better. That's about the only 'gift' the OP can give her.

[Els]

As I stated, I don't think the OP can control his reaction to the news and think he should communicate how he feels and try to work through it. I don't think he is a bad person as he clearly states he's tormented by feeling the way he does. If he was repulsed by his gf for this reason and didn't question his feelings, that in my opinion, would be cause for concern.

 

People who suffer from anxiety, depression, schizophrenia etc cannot necessarily control the way they are feeling either. However, the onus is still on them to seek treatment, at the end of the day. Frankly the OP's reaction to his gf sharing a traumatic incident that she suffered from, is bordering on pathological. He might not be able to control it, but he CAN control what he chooses to do about it. He's choosing to do nothing, not going to even consider professional help.

 

I mean, let's do a reversal of this thing. Guy has been with girl for a long time, he finally trusts her enough to confide in her that he was sexually abused by his uncle as a kid. She breaks up with him because she 'can't think about him the same way anymore' and doesn't even bother trying to see a professional to try and work things out. Are we going to brush that under the 'ah, she can't help what she feels, nothing wrong with that' carpet too?

[minimariah]

As for minimariah, the OP notes his distress over his thoughts and feelings concerning the rape. Yes his view is distorted and it seems he recognizes this.

 

he isn't concerned at all.

 

like i said, if he was - he'd work on it.

he "feels" shame because logically he knows he should - but other than that, he doesn't really see a bigger issue.

 

Did you go to counseling when you had an affair?

 

i actually never had an affair.

& i was never a part of one either.

 

but even if i did - the comment about throwing stones and glass houses doesn't make any sense because affairs cannot in any way be compared with this situation.

 

ALSO - telling the OP that he should seek counseling isn't "throwing stones". that's just common sense.

Edited August 10, 2015 by minimariah

[todreaminblue]

^ I think deb illustrates the truth point well (maybe not even intentionally) ....

 

"let her find a man who accepts her for who she is now"

 

....in order to be able to do that and understand it, she needs to understand that there are some men who don't accept her for who she is now. Hence she needs to know that OP is rejecting her bc of her rape history. She needs the truth in order to be equipped to pursue sth better. That's about the only 'gift' the OP can give her.

 

maybe truth jen.....i really dont know how knowing a guy didnt want a relationship with me because i have been raped would feel or how i would react and i cant know how it would help ops gf...maybe thats why i draw a blank when knowing what to advise the op on what to say...i havent actually ever been told by a guy...nah cant do it because you were raped as a child.......i guess i have been lucky..or may be its because i actually havent really had that many relationships.....but the guys i have been in a relationship with have always been my friend first......i feel for her.....i wish both of them well....apart.....i dont feel its a gift at all....that he is giving her by being blunt and painfully honest......i dont think it needs to be said.........the exact reason why....personally though...i have often been called an ostrich..........deb..

[NightRyder]

It's sad that you don't see her in the same way after finding out she has been raped. Do you now feel guilt for having sexual feelings towards her? Or do you see her as being tainted?

 

I don't know, if I were in the OP's position, I could imagine feeling bad/guilty for lusting after her/wanting sex from her, like how the rapists lusted after her....

 

Yes yes! I couldnt articulate this feeling before but this is exactly how I feel! Guilty.

 

 

the OP has turned the rape into a sexual fantasy - a gangbang. he is repulsed by her because he sees her as "dirty" BECAUSE she slept with more than one man at the same time. the use of "i can't get images of her getting gang banged" INSTEAD of "i can't get images of her getting raped" is NOT coincidental. he cannot see her as a victim at all, he cannot see her as someone who has been HURT by rape. he KNOWS that logically - she IS the victim and is hurt... but cannot actually VIEW her that way. he is only able to see the "gangbang" part & THAT part is what's turning him off -- not the rape as a crime. he cannot even see that his GF had been through a crime - in his mind, she had been gangbanged. that's it.

 

Once before all this happened she told me her fantasy is to be roughed up sexually etc. Its not my sexual fantasy but hers. I guess thats another reason for it?

 

...........you cannot love her the way she should be or what she deserves to have in her life.....do it soon...let her find a man who accepts her for who she is now.....and one more thing....we are survivors.....and as a survivor....she will go on without you into a brighter future with a guy who truly cares eventually....so let her go soon..........deb

 

Thank you Deb