Trying to understand the mind of a MM

[Poppy47]

I did, do, or at least as much as I know what that means. Kids a little bit less so but knew it was extremely important to her and therefore important to me.

 

 

 

We didn't have sex for months at a time before I met my OW. After the A started, we simply didn't have sex (it was a long A). I refused to sleep with two women and, TBH, it was two years before my wife even asked about it. In other words, we had already pulled apart long before the A started, even as an EA. As for as keeping her in the dark, I really don't know. Yes, lots of lies, but we just lived separate lives. Didn't sleep in the same bed for nearly a decade (still don't). I think part of me was frustrated that she didn't find out.

 

 

 

Can someone explain to me why this would be useful? If I were ending the marriage, such as it is, then maybe. But even then, how is informing someone of your betrayal anything other than being vindictive or looking to get rid of your own guilt?

 

 

 

Every. Single. Day. Many many times a day. This NC is the hardest thing I've ever done. Every night I think about her as I fall asleep. Every morning, the pain returns before I am fully awake. It's getting better but it sucks.

 

 

 

I don't mind. I am not looking for sympathy or looking to educate anyone. Just trying to finally be honest with myself.

 

I appreciate your post. A MM's thoughts and his other life are sometimes a mystery to OW.

 

xMM used to tell me he would fret for me when we were apart and think of me all the time. For 7 years he told me the same thing. It's very difficult to believe that when he didn't want a full relationship with me.

 

Now we have split and I hope forever. It would be true to say I think of him every day. I don't know if he thinks of me too and it is useless to wonder.

 

It was all well and good to say he loved me, but he didn't want to take it into a real relationship. I think he liked the excitement and fantasy. It made me feel like he was using me as a toy and then discarding me when he went home.

 

Poppy.

[Goodbye]

I haven't had sex with her. But, yes, I plan to. I plan to make a go of the relationship. And, yes, I do still want to marry her. Maybe that is sociopathic. All I know is that I feel that way...But there is nothing about your comment that is wrong. But I will say that I am not happy that I "got away with it." It doesn't feel like I did. Yeah, I got to have sex out of my marriage but I've destroyed the one life I have to live. I may have destroyed others as well. If I had it to do all over again, I would do things differently. There is decidedly nothing good about it.

 

And yet...and yet...yes, I love my AP. I love her very much. I am sorry if that sounds like a psycho.

 

 

Why do you plan on having sex with her if you don't desire to do so? Why do you plan on having sex with someone with whom you cannot openly share? Just to have sex? Does your wife even desire sex from you after living in separate bedrooms for ten years? What would you do if your OW woke up one day pissed off for being used and told your wife? Do you think your wife would have preferred to have heard it from you first if you intended on "hanging out" in the marriage? And I say hanging out, because clearly you are not working on the marriage.

[jaskiegs]

may i ask - what is stopping you from leaving?

 

if i understood... your marriage was dead & sexless before you even met the other woman? so... let's remove the other woman. focus on your marriage - what is keeping you in the marriage that's... well, bad?

 

is it for the children? because you want to be there for them full time?

 

Sexless, yes. Dead...not entirely. I know this sounds bizarre but there are a number of things about my wife that I admire. She is a wonderful mother, very intelligent, good at her job, and has a sense of humor that fits with mine. The issue is that I am someone who desires affection - not just receiving it but being able to give it. By affection, I do not mean sex (although that is included). No, I mean affection - a light touch on the shoulder, a smile when you enter the room, the small things that say every day that I love you. And that is missing. It was never there. That's not an excuse for an affair. I should have worked on my marriage or left it. But it part of the story.

 

 

But, yes, my children are the primary reason. I know for a fact that without children, the marriage would have dissolved long ago, A or not.

 

 

 

 

you asked about why would disclosing the affair be useful - well... it's useful when you want to work on the marriage. and when you want to be honest, when you want to give that other person a chance to make an informed decision - in your situation though... i don't think it would really change anything, am i right? not really sure your wife would just pick up her things and divorced you in a heartbeat... basically, if you want to build a really and truly authentic relationship - you need to let it all out.

 

 

An interesting viewpoint. To be honest, if she knew, yes, I think the marriage would be over, but I just don't see how my inability to appropriate cope should be used as an excuse to devastate her. I may change my mind and take your approach but right now I have to feel my way through it.

 

 

unfortunately, sweetheart... i think it's a little too late for your marriage.

 

 

You may be right. But maybe not. Maybe without the A, I can be a better husband. But if it ends, it ends because of us, not because of the A. I definitely consider the A a symptom more so than a cause, but perhaps that is post-facto justification because falling in love with another woman is a pretty major thing.

 

 

do you have any close friend or a counselor you can talk to and confide in while in pain over NC?

 

 

I've been in counseling for much of the year but am pretty much not going now. When I feel the need to contact her, I come to LS and read all the stories and it reminds me that I am an ahole. On top of that, a couple weeks after NC, her mother went into the hospital and was close to dying. She contacted me and I responded and we had a few days of talking, saying we miss each other, and the like. When she returned home, she went completely dark again. So, for two reasons, NC is easier. It reminds me how much I hurt her and, TBH, pride won't let me contact her since "she finds it so easy to cut me off when she no longer needs me." That quote is the dark thought that I allow to tell me lies at times. I know she owes me nothing but pride, as effed up as it is, keeps me from contacting her.

[jaskiegs]

Why do you plan on having sex with her if you don't desire to do so?

 

I never said I didn't desire to. In most ways, our story is typical. I wanted to have sex a lot and she didn't. I got tired of pursuing and stopped. We went months with no sex before I blew up. Then I completely withdrew and became bitter. And then I met someone. It was never about a lack of desire for my on my part. While in the A, my lack of sex with my W was some stupid lie I told myself that I cannot have sex with my wife when I am having sex with someone else. Not that doing so is a good idea, but the lie is that somehow I was showing integrity. I know...total bull*****.

 

 

Why do you plan on having sex with someone with whom you cannot openly share? Just to have sex? Does your wife even desire sex from you after living in separate bedrooms for ten years?

 

 

I am not sure that anyone openly shares all of themselves. But you are right...perhaps I should not. I will have to think on it. As for her desire, I think she knows she should desire and sometimes puts on a good show of it but I do believe that if I were asexual, she'd be fine with it.

 

 

 

 

What would you do if your OW woke up one day pissed off for being used and told your wife? Do you think your wife would have preferred to have heard it from you first if you intended on "hanging out" in the marriage? And I say hanging out, because clearly you are not working on the marriage.

 

 

Another good point. Obviously, I don't think that will happen. But if it happens, it happens. I am not at all convinced that there is a good way to hear it. I don't have all the answers. I am just saying that I am searching for them.

 

 

As for my marriage, I believe I am working on it. Maybe not in the way you would want me to but I am working on it. And the end result may very well be divorce. That story is not fully told.

 

 

But I have hijacked this thread enough. I hope someone reading this gets something useful from it, even if it's only what NOT to do.

[minimariah]

Sexless, yes. Dead...not entirely. I know this sounds bizarre...

 

you know... it actually makes sense.

 

if i understood correctly - the intimate and love part of your marriage is dead. that doesn't mean that you hate your wife or that you fight with her 24/7... it's just that... from what you posted... right now, you're more her friend and a roomate, a co-parent than an actual lover & a husband.

 

and obviously, it's not easy to leave. one of the reasons is also the fact that you've been in a affectionless marriage for a longer period of time before you met the OW - so in a way, it became a habit... an arrangement that worked out well for your family & it's hard to walk away from that.

 

An interesting viewpoint. To be honest, if she knew, yes, I think the marriage would be over, but I just don't see how my inability to appropriate cope should be used as an excuse to devastate her. I may change my mind and take your approach but right now I have to feel my way through it.

 

well, here on LS we can give you a few different perspectives... but it is up to you to decide which approach is the best since it is your marriage and your wife.

 

you shouldn't confess to an affair because you're unable to cope - that's not the reason. you SHOULD confess to an affair if you want to build a healthy, honest and an authentic relationship with you W (if that's even possible at this point).

 

in order to build a healthy relationship, you need to build not only trust... but you need to allow your partner to know every layer and aspect of you. right now, your wife isn't familiar with a really huge part of you and your life, your emotions... so in reality, there is a huge part of you that she doesn't know. she connects only with one part of you - the dad & the husband who she sees at home.

 

there is a huge emotional disconnect in your marriage and an affair just made that disconnect even bigger. since i think your relationship with the wife is emotionally already so strained.. i think confessing would actually be a good thing for the two of you - even if you decide to separate.

 

being in a dead relationship IS hard - because on the surface, everything seems nice and okay and well. you play your roles and things are SEEMINGLY happy. underneath though...? nothing works, absolutely nothing. it's like going through the motions with that sickly feeling of being unhappy all the time.

 

You may be right. But maybe not. Maybe without the A, I can be a better husband. But if it ends, it ends because of us, not because of the A. I definitely consider the A a symptom more so than a cause, but perhaps that is post-facto justification because falling in love with another woman is a pretty major thing.

 

well... time will show. unfortunately, the A being gone won't make your feelings and love to be gone too.

 

& i agree, if your M ends - it should end because the M was bad. not because someone better came along.

 

I've been in counseling for much of the year but am pretty much not going now. When I feel

 

are you in marriage counseling with the wife?

 

& yeah, LS is really helpful - especially with the NC. there is this thread down there in Coping section... i think...? where you can post there everything you want to tell to the ex but without contacting them. it's like writing the letters to your love without them ever reaching your love - i think it's one of the most helpful threads on here.

[Noideanow]

" When she returned home, she went completely dark again. So, for two reasons, NC is easier. It reminds me how much I hurt her and, TBH, pride won't let me contact her since "she finds it so easy to cut me off when she no longer needs me." That quote is the dark thought that I allow to tell me lies at times. I know she owes me nothing but pride, as effed up as it is, keeps me from contacting her.

 

remember, she Can think exactly the same about you, since you dont contact her- and she probably thought like this everytime you walked away from her and to your wife/-/ you are both right its a dead end with no future without changes--

[jaskiegs]

remember, she Can think exactly the same about you, since you dont contact her- and she probably thought like this everytime you walked away from her and to your wife/-/ you are both right its a dead end with no future without changes--

 

The bold part makes it hard to not contact her. There is a significant albeit shrinking part of me that thinks that maybe I should contact her and tell her...something. And then the italics makes me remember that all is for naught.

[Noideanow]

Another thing i thought about the sentence you tell yourself to keep the distance is that- its not that she doesnt contact you when she no longer needs you, its that you were never there when she needed you/she cuts contact when she needs you more than ever:-: