Meeting ex for coffee after 5 months

[jonesey0]

Hi there.

 

I already posted my story on this forum, i was with my ex-girlfriend for 13 years, she broke up 5 months ago.

We have been on LC for this whole time, have been together 3 or 4 times, always very amicable, but never touched the subject of our relationship.

Today i sent her a text, to ask her to meet me for coffee this week.

She agreed on that, and we arranged the meeting.

The thing is, on the first text she sent in which she agreed to meet me for coffee, she also said the following things:

 

"we don't need to become strangers"

"we don't need to stop talking to each other"

"i just dont want you to feel awkward"

"and that you feel you are not prepared for this"

 

Any input on this?

I really want to get back together with, she's my person. I know that in my heart.

[NVO]

Well, if you want to do this you first have to prove her wrong. Make sure you are ready for this! Boost your confidence, accept the fact that it's over (you are 5 months down the road, this will make it much easier I guess haha) and see this as a chance to start something new.

 

And considering your ex' words, you have one goal this meeting: making a statement that you do not plan on being 'just friends' because your are still romantically interested in her. Avoid the friendzone, because you are getting pretty close I'm afraid.

[pidgeon1010]

She wants to make sure you can handle being just friends. Can you? Sounds like you want her back but she may not be on the same page. If you are maintaining contact in the hopes of changing her mind, it doesn't sound too promising (based on the things she texted you).

[CarrieT]

Based on your other posts, I don't believe it will work out.

 

You two have stayed in Limited Contact when you should have been No Contact from the get-go. So she sees you as always there for her and not moving on without her.

 

She broke up because of another guy and - I believe - just wants to maintain the friendship.

[crederer]

Do you want to get back together with her?

 

If so, don't show up and text her like 45 mins after you were supposed to meet her and say "I got caught up with some things, I'll catch up later".

 

Seems contradictory? It is. But she'll dig it.

[aloneinaz]

I don't see any value in this meeting. She's not telling you she has any interest in reconciling. You're not over her. She's being nice and putting a shot over the bow and all but stating that she only wants to be friends.

 

 

You're only going to get yourself all torn up at this meeting. If you confess your undying love to her, it will only make her feel sorry for you. She'll wonder why you can't get a life and move on.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with being on good terms and friendly with an ex. The only problem? You have to wait to be totally over them and fully emotionally detached before doing so, which you're not.

[jonesey0]

I have to do it.

For the first time in these five months, last week she texted me and i didnt answer.

Two days later she texted me again, begging me to say something, and i didnt answer that too.

She called me two hours later, and i didnt pick up the phone. One hour later calls again, i dont pickup and she texts me begging me to say if everything ia alright. I then texted back saying everything is fine.

She was/is going through a tough time in her life, and i believe she is all messed up regarding her feelings.

I know she still cries almost everyday after five months apart, and she is unhappy.

 

I cant give up on someone i love so much, that means everything to me, without knowing that i did everything i could to fix things.

 

If i dont do that, this will haunt me for years, and i simply dont want to love the rest of my life with the "what if".

 

If it all goes wrong, at least i know i did everything i could, and can take confort in that.

 

I won't play games with her, every case is different, and i believe i just have to be true to myself and to her.

 

I will approach this like a date, and try to put both of us at ease with eachother, try to have her put her guard down.

Won't talk about relationship, unless she brings it up, and hope she sees how much i have changed in these 5 months.

And it's not coffee, its ice cream and dinner. Not much difference, i know, but it has a different mood.

 

And she knows i want her. She knows i dont want to be just friends.

 

I went through hell these 5 months, i dont believe it can get any worse.

[qubist]

I have to do it.

For the first time in these five months, last week she texted me and i didnt answer.

Two days later she texted me again, begging me to say something, and i didnt answer that too.

She called me two hours later, and i didnt pick up the phone. One hour later calls again, i dont pickup and she texts me begging me to say if everything ia alright. I then texted back saying everything is fine.

She was/is going through a tough time in her life, and i believe she is all messed up regarding her feelings.

I know she still cries almost everyday after five months apart, and she is unhappy.

 

I cant give up on someone i love so much, that means everything to me, without knowing that i did everything i could to fix things.

 

If i dont do that, this will haunt me for years, and i simply dont want to love the rest of my life with the "what if".

 

If it all goes wrong, at least i know i did everything i could, and can take confort in that.

 

I won't play games with her, every case is different, and i believe i just have to be true to myself and to her.

 

I will approach this like a date, and try to put both of us at ease with eachother, try to have her put her guard down.

Won't talk about relationship, unless she brings it up, and hope she sees how much i have changed in these 5 months.

And it's not coffee, its ice cream and dinner. Not much difference, i know, but it has a different mood.

 

And she knows i want her. She knows i dont want to be just friends.

 

I went through hell these 5 months, i dont believe it can get any worse.

Jonesey0: i understand why you want to do this, you still love her and feel that your life would be horrible without her.

first of all let me tell you that you would be fine with or without her if you want to break ups hurt but pain will go away.

when a woman leaves her partner for another guy after a long and decent relationship ( like your case) they always want to keep some sort of friendship with their partners, for 2 possible reasons. 1- keeping a friendship help them cope with any guilt it kind of give them a relief. 2- in a cases of some selfish women they want the back-up plan just in case their new adventure isn't working.

No one here can judge her as we don't really know her, Just be aware of the 2 pint I mentioned to you. at this point you have nothing else to loose, you can tell her about your feelings and ask for another chance. if she insisted she just want to be a friend that means one of the above points apply to her, in this case you should just leave and end all contact with her for good. if she shows any interest in getting back with you you should know that if you open your eyes and don't lie to your self

[jonesey0]

Well, we had agreed to meet at 7 PM, and she told she would confirm until 5 PM.

I was at work and the hours were passing and i received absolutely nothing from her.

At 7:00 PM i got out of my job and went home, telling myself how stupid i was to get my hopes up again, and that she didnt even bothered to cancel with some lame excuse.

I was driving in my car, and she calls me at around 7:30 PM. I was ready to tell her to off, and not contact me again. Fortunatelly she talked first and said "Where are you ? I've been waiting for you for 30 minutes" !!!!

Thing is, she sent me a text at 4:30 PM confirming, and another at 7 PM saying she was already there. I didn't got those texts, maybe because of my stupid iphone, i dont know.

 

She drove 1 hour from the place she lives to come meet me, and i stood her up for another 50 minutes!!

 

Well, finally i got there and we stayed at the coffee she was for one hour and a half.

 

We talked about everything that's been going on our lives, she opened up about everything involving her family, work, friends. She says she has been going out sometimes, but that she doesnt really apreciate it.

I noticed everytime she said she went with friends, she made it clear they had girlfriends, married, etc.

 

I made her laugh multiple times, we talked like when we were together, and it wasnt awkward or anything at all.

I even touched her a few times while talking (i couldnt help myself) and she didnt seem bothered by it.

 

After coffee i asked her to go grab something to eat, and we went to a lovely spanish tapas place, for another hour and a half.

Great conversation, great smiles, such chemistry we have together. It was great.

 

I won't get my hopes up, i will take it slowly and see where this leads us.

If it was a first "date" with any other girl, i would say it was a slam dunk. Everything went perfect.

 

We kissed on the cheek and hugged when we said goodbye, and then she said "We have to meet again soon".

 

I said something along the lines of dont be a stranger, call me anytime you want.

 

And she said something like "I know i dont have the right to expect anything from you", and i replied "Dont think about that, im always here for you".

 

She went away, to drive another hour to her place. We were together from 8PM until 11:30PM.

[Realitycol]

Great story until the end where it all flopped. Should've invited her to your place for drinks after dinner if it was going as great as you were saying.

 

Kiss to the cheek? Don't be a stranger? Damn bad signs.

[Justme1977]

Whats happening niw immon the edge of my seat!

[Tayla]

Be timely- Its the courtesy factor amongst adults.

 

Be realisitic, it will keep things level.

 

be yourself, at what ever stage of growth you are in. we all deserve to be happy and to also make mistakes along the way....

 

I have no crystal ball to fortell what will become of you two...I can only wish that you both get past any mind games, accept one another as flawed ( yet lovable people), and support one another as humans, as you journey thru life.

[Jay13094]

from those texts she sent she seems as if she is not interested in getting back with you romantically but still cares for you and wants you to be a part of her life.. but if i was you... i'd say eff that. She seems pretty clear that she just wants to meet up as friends and you're not over her so I'm sorry man :/

[Dudearino]

Stay away until you are ready dude. If she wanted to get back with you she'd let you know. It just causes more worry & stress when you can't help, support her, and be with her in the ways YOU want to be there for her. Don't get stuck as a starter doormat. Its slowly going down that path. Its hard, but its gotta be one or the other. Dont get me wrong makes moves if they come about in the right ways, but dont over devote yourself.

[Diezel]

Her rebound failed, she's come back to you.

 

Enjoy getting dumped again in the future or being disappointed. Trust me, it's coming. Her full court press came from you being unavailable to her. Once you become fully available, she'll get comfortable and go down the same path.

 

Should have kept her an ex.

 

She threw away 13 years away, not yet, and trust me, she'll be willing to do it again.

[jonesey0]

It was great being with her, it felt like we were a couple again.

But the truth is that we aren't.

So i have to keep my feet in ground, and don't get my hopes up.

I just wish she felt the same connection that i did.

 

Today, in the aftermath of our meeting, i feel really down and hopeless.

Love is really like a drug.

[Diezel]

It's a drug only because you allow it to be.

 

Analogy I always use is the porcelain plate.

Ever dropped one? It'll break in quite a few pieces. You can glue it with even the best of glues in the world, and get every piece perfectly back together, but it's still a cracked, broken plate.

 

No matter how good you think you two could be together, it'll always be a cracked, broken plate.

[candie13]

alright, I am reading all the texts from all these men and I am lost... is it for real?

 

You've spent a great evening together and she tells you she thinks she has no right to expect anything from you - I would say that to a guy when I am expecting him to ask me out again.

 

Her giving you a quick kiss means she wants to take it slow. If I were her, i would wait for another date from you, if you are interested.

 

That's "back to dating" or to "figuring stuff out", if you are interested. I don't see any major disaster signs, sorry. Just take it easy and make contact again, if interested, instead of thinking about her in circles.

 

that's how I would interpret the situation - and I am a woman.

 

cheers

[candie13]

Do you want to get back together with her?

 

If so, don't show up and text her like 45 mins after you were supposed to meet her and say "I got caught up with some things, I'll catch up later".

 

Seems contradictory? It is. But she'll dig it.

 

that's... probably the worst advice I ever read on this forum. If a date did that to me, I would just delete his contact and go silent indefinitely. No sane woman with a healthy self esteem "digs" this. Any woman encouraging this and responding positively to this lame move would be encouraging bad behavior and asking for more abuse... not my idea of dating.

Edited August 13, 2015 by candie13

[NVO]

It was great being with her, it felt like we were a couple again.

But the truth is that we aren't.

So i have to keep my feet in ground, and don't get my hopes up.

I just wish she felt the same connection that i did.

 

Today, in the aftermath of our meeting, i feel really down and hopeless.

Love is really like a drug.

 

Dude, man up! You and I are in the similar position (read the 'Magic of breaking up' thread for my story, if you like). We chose to play this game, so play it like a man. You had a great night, try to enjoy that. It was a first date, give it a couple of days and call her again. If she gives you a no, then move on. If she gives you a yes, you must make progress on the next date.

 

Try something else, a fun activity or something. Show her that you are exciting. Keep the forward momentum, so try to touch her more often, add a little romantic touch. You have to show her that you are still romantically interested in her, but take it slow. The worst thing you can do is just jump back to your previous relationship. You can not fix your old relationship, you'll have to start it all over. Like Diezel said, you can not fix a broken plate. You will have to buy a new one.

 

I've read your story and you did great. Only thing is that I do not agree with you saying that you'll always be there for her. I think it shows you are a sweet and great guy, but don't be all over her. Don't go that road just yet. If you dated a girl the first time, I don't think that is a thing you normally will say at the end of the date, or is it? Ofcourse you want to support her, but let it develop naturally over time. She chose to be alone, so I think she will handle her problems just fine without you.

 

If she does not contact you, don't freak out. Don't act clingy, don't act needy. Keep moving on. Go out! Make plans with your friends. Show her you have a life! Give her a few days to think about the meeting. And if you think the time is right, give her another call.

 

Edit: I also want to give you one tip that has worked wonders for me: Don't get ahead of your ex her feelings. If she did not say 'Let's get back together', don't even think about! Just tell yourself a couple of times out loud: "I am doing great, I feel confident. We are not getting back together." It may sound weird, but it helps me to keep my **** together. Just do one thing at a time. You plan a date, you look forward to that date only. Keep yourself from wandering about being together again.

Edited August 13, 2015 by NVO

[Diezel]

that's... probably the worst advice I ever read on this forum. If a date did that to me, I would just delete his contact and go silent indefinitely. No sane woman with a healthy self esteem "digs" this. Any woman encouraging this and responding positively to this lame move would be encouraging bad behavior and asking for more abuse... not my idea of dating.

 

It's actually not bad advice.

 

See, here is the problem.

She ditched him after 13 years. She's now trying to come back around. She's trying to make the effort because of what she did in the past.

 

You're coming from it as the POV of someone on a first date.

 

Two entirely different situations.

 

You aren't this other woman and her situation isn't yours.

[candie13]

It's actually not bad advice.

 

See, here is the problem.

She ditched him after 13 years. She's now trying to come back around. She's trying to make the effort because of what she did in the past.

 

You're coming from it as the POV of someone on a first date.

 

Two entirely different situations.

 

You aren't this other woman and her situation isn't yours.

 

Indeed, I was not aware of the whole story and indeed, her situation is not mine - a new date compared to an old story.

 

I am not aware why they split up, but... is it because she ditched him after 13 years that she deserves this treatment? Why did she leave, did she leave because she was in a happy place? I dunno, it's not like by making himself not available to her and making her wait he's going to solve any of their issues. It's just... I dunno... it sounds like unnecessary meanness and heartache.

[Simon Phoenix]

Indeed, I was not aware of the whole story and indeed, her situation is not mine - a new date compared to an old story.

 

I am not aware why they split up, but... is it because she ditched him after 13 years that she deserves this treatment? Why did she leave, did she leave because she was in a happy place? I dunno, it's not like by making himself not available to her and making her wait he's going to solve any of their issues. It's just... I dunno... it sounds like unnecessary meanness and heartache.

 

So the solution is not only for her to break up with him, but for her to use him as a tool to get over that breakup and he should participate in that? I'm sorry, if you're broken up, you need to be broken up -- especially at first when emotions are high. If you break up with someone, you don't get the benefit of them holding your hand until you feel good with that breakup.

 

But yeah, comparing this situation to a first date with a new person is completely inappropriate. They've recently broken up a 13-year-relationship -- first-date rules do not apply and it CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT BE him chasing her in this situation. She broke, she needs to fix. Unfortunately for him, I don't think she wants to fix what's broken -- she just wants the familiar support and comfort until she's ready to find someone else. That's the vibe I get.

[BC1980]

It was great being with her, it felt like we were a couple again.

But the truth is that we aren't.

So i have to keep my feet in ground, and don't get my hopes up.

I just wish she felt the same connection that i did.

 

Today, in the aftermath of our meeting, i feel really down and hopeless.

Love is really like a drug.

 

That's always the problem with these meet ups. I met up with my ex a few times after our breakup. We acted like a couple again. Held hands. Had great chemistry like before. Even shared a kiss once. But after it was over, it meant nothing. I didn't hear from him for days. Of course, every time he would text or ask to see me, I thought this would be the time that he wanted me back. Now, I see that he was simply easing he way out of the relationship, and, since he had no one else at the time that I knew of, he probably enjoyed my attention.

 

I always stick to the same rule with regards to these meetups and LC after breakups. If someone wants you back, they will tell you clearly. They won't play games, and I would not entertain any contact unless she says she wants you back. If she is "unsure" or wants to hang out and "see where things go," that is code for: I'm not interested in a commitment. She has known you for years. She knows if she wants to be with you or not, so don't make it more complicated than it is. People always wonder if they are just reading the ex wrong, maybe just taking things the wrong way, not sending the right smoke signals on their end, replying to the texts to quickly, or pushing for a commitment too soon. Trust me, it's not that difficult.

 

What usually happens (and what happened to me) is that you end up as a place holder or a fall back until they meet someone else. And they will meet someone else. It's only a matter of time. Then, you will have wasted months, maybe years in some cases, being a Plan B for someone, and you won't be emotionally ready to date again. You will still be at Day 1 of the breakup.

[Pharcyde]

I agree with most of the other posters... As someone going through a similar situation. After such a long relationship, if she wants you back she needs to make that clear or its just heartache for you.

 

She should be the one fighting for you back, especially if you were not the one who necessarily caused the break up. Because it sounds like she broke it off for her own selfish reasons and still hasn't been honest about it.

 

I'd go back to NC...or if she contacts you trying to be all friendly(but no effort towards a relationship) make it clear you are too old for this and your feelings for her are too strong to just be friends.

 

Its not fair to you at all, if the feelings aren't reciprocal.