Meeting ex for coffee after 5 months

[jonesey0]

Thanks for all the input, i really apreciate that.

 

I'm in a tough spot, because i really can't understand what she wants from me at this point.

 

She knows that i can't be just her friend, she knows i don't want that and she would never be capable of stringing me along until she finds someone else.

 

I know this girl, she really cares about me, and would never do something like that to me.

 

I think she feels awful and guilty for breaking up with me, and she knows how much that hurt me.

 

She broke up with me, but i know that i wasn't the best boyfriend in the last few months of our relationship, and i take blame for that.

 

Does she want to get back with me now? I don't think so.

 

Will she ever take the initiative to apologize and ask me to get back? She won't, i know her, and she will never do that.

 

She is very reserved on her feelings, and never takes the initiative to do anything.

 

In these five months, everytime she contacted me was using the excuse of our dog. Because she doesn't really know how to reach me.

 

We were together 3+ hours the other day, and she didn't even talk about the dog.

 

It's been 3 days since we meet, and she hasn't say a word. And i knew she wouldn't, because she isn't the kind of person to reach out and say what they want. She overthinks everything and ends up doing nothing.

 

I really don't know what to do now.

[candie13]

So the solution is not only for her to break up with him, but for her to use him as a tool to get over that breakup and he should participate in that? I'm sorry, if you're broken up, you need to be broken up -- especially at first when emotions are high. If you break up with someone, you don't get the benefit of them holding your hand until you feel good with that breakup.

I have no idea if she wants to hold his hand until she feels better about the break up. I have no idea what she wants. All I know is ... break ups are messy. 13 years is a lifetime, loads of marriages don't last that long.

 

I have no idea why they broke up. I have no idea if she wants to be back with him. I have no idea what difficulties they need to surpass or if they are ready to do it. All I know is that those difficulties are real, irrelevant of their break up or not. It's not because she is the dumper that she is supposed to be treated like a criminal, is it?

 

Someone said that in order to really know a person, you need to divorce them. Break up with them, in this case. Why should he kick her when she's down? Will that make him feel a million times better? What will that say about him, as a person?

 

Indeed, OP owes nothing to her. He should most likely care about himself first. Mind his own business and go NC. But one needs to be convinced that there is nothing left to save. How do you know if you haven't given up too quickly? Almost all people go back and forth with the people they broke up with, until they understand that they can make or or not. How else will you get rid of the "what if"s?

 

I personally need to be convinced, before giving up. Once I am convinced - have that talk or have a clear, sound reason why I want out of the RS - I leave.

[Diezel]

You know what she wants?

 

Just to know that if she does want to come back to you, that she can.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. You're a potential prospect that she can come back to if someone else in the works, doesn't pan out.

 

Because the fact that she even entertained meeting with you, probably means that the last one didn't work out.

 

You'd be best moving on from her. Block her from your phone. You're still too emotionally involved.

[candie13]

Thanks for all the input, i really apreciate that.

 

I'm in a tough spot, because i really can't understand what she wants from me at this point.

 

She knows that i can't be just her friend, she knows i don't want that and she would never be capable of stringing me along until she finds someone else.

 

I know this girl, she really cares about me, and would never do something like that to me.

 

I think she feels awful and guilty for breaking up with me, and she knows how much that hurt me.

 

She broke up with me, but i know that i wasn't the best boyfriend in the last few months of our relationship, and i take blame for that.

 

Does she want to get back with me now? I don't think so.

 

Will she ever take the initiative to apologize and ask me to get back? She won't, i know her, and she will never do that.

 

She is very reserved on her feelings, and never takes the initiative to do anything.

 

In these five months, everytime she contacted me was using the excuse of our dog. Because she doesn't really know how to reach me.

 

We were together 3+ hours the other day, and she didn't even talk about the dog.

 

It's been 3 days since we meet, and she hasn't say a word. And i knew she wouldn't, because she isn't the kind of person to reach out and say what they want. She overthinks everything and ends up doing nothing.

 

I really don't know what to do now.

 

you need to think hard and understand why this RS didn't work out. If it's you or her and if you believe it can be fixed - irrelevant of her having broken up with you. You need to understand the dynamic of the RS first, before running blindly to her and asking for your fix.

 

Figure out what's wrong and if it's in your power to fix it. Then do the math and chose the wisest option.

[candie13]

You know what she wants?

 

Just to know that if she does want to come back to you, that she can.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. You're a potential prospect that she can come back to if someone else in the works, doesn't pan out.

 

Because the fact that she even entertained meeting with you, probably means that the last one didn't work out.

 

You'd be best moving on from her. Block her from your phone. You're still too emotionally involved.

 

it's not about what she wants or about if she's seeing anyone else or not. It's about the RS. Maybe she wants to be with him but the RS is beyond fixing.

 

Be logical. Assess the reality first. Probe your assumptions by using your knowledge of her and her behavior. Then draw your conclusions and decide on a proper action plan.

[jonesey0]

you need to think hard and understand why this RS didn't work out. If it's you or her and if you believe it can be fixed - irrelevant of her having broken up with you. You need to understand the dynamic of the RS first, before running blindly to her and asking for your fix.

 

Figure out what's wrong and if it's in your power to fix it. Then do the math and chose the wisest option.

 

I believe she became unhappy because we weren't going anywhere. We lived together in my house for 5 years and she wanted us to move to a place of our own, all our friends/family got married in the last two years, they started to have children, and she wanted those things too.

 

And i think my mistake was to keep postponing those things, waiting for our professional lives to be more stable.

 

I want those things as much as her, but i was selfish and immature and should've listen more to what she wanted in regard to those things.

 

I was also in very poor form, gained a lot of weight since i stop smoking, and i believe she wasn't that attracted to me anymore.

 

I know what were the problems, and i know i can fix them, and i know we can be very happy together.

[candie13]

I believe she became unhappy because we weren't going anywhere. We lived together in my house for 5 years and she wanted us to move to a place of our own, all our friends/family got married in the last two years, they started to have children, and she wanted those things too.

 

And i think my mistake was to keep postponing those things, waiting for our professional lives to be more stable.

 

I want those things as much as her, but i was selfish and immature and should've listen more to what she wanted in regard to those things.

 

I was also in very poor form, gained a lot of weight since i stop smoking, and i believe she wasn't that attracted to me anymore.

 

I know what were the problems, and i know i can fix them, and i know we can be very happy together.

 

Make sure you are saying those things / want to do these things because you love her and you want to build your life with her, not because she is leaving you.

 

If you really do mean it and you do see a future together, then you know what you need to do: get your ducks in a row, talk to her and make stuff happen.

[candie13]

Do take it easy and probe a lot, ok? There is a high chance that after 13 years + 5 months of break up she might have had enough of sitting and waiting.

 

I've been with my ex for 7 years - same story. I dumped him because I was absolutely done. I mean... sick of it. Really done. He came back with a ring a few months later - but I could feel his heart was not into it. And I was right. He just really really didn't want to lose me.

 

Point I'm trying to make: make sure you read her, her reactions and her expectations. Make sure you talk to her. Only because she wanted those things when you two broke up doesn't mean she still wants those things now - or with you.

 

cheers, mate

[Simon Phoenix]

I have no idea if she wants to hold his hand until she feels better about the break up. I have no idea what she wants. All I know is ... break ups are messy. 13 years is a lifetime, loads of marriages don't last that long.

 

I have no idea why they broke up. I have no idea if she wants to be back with him. I have no idea what difficulties they need to surpass or if they are ready to do it. All I know is that those difficulties are real, irrelevant of their break up or not. It's not because she is the dumper that she is supposed to be treated like a criminal, is it?

 

Someone said that in order to really know a person, you need to divorce them. Break up with them, in this case. Why should he kick her when she's down? Will that make him feel a million times better? What will that say about him, as a person?

 

Indeed, OP owes nothing to her. He should most likely care about himself first. Mind his own business and go NC. But one needs to be convinced that there is nothing left to save. How do you know if you haven't given up too quickly? Almost all people go back and forth with the people they broke up with, until they understand that they can make or or not. How else will you get rid of the "what if"s?

 

I personally need to be convinced, before giving up. Once I am convinced - have that talk or have a clear, sound reason why I want out of the RS - I leave.

 

She's down because SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM! Now, breaking up with him does not make her evil, but it also does not allow her to use him as support. You don't get to break up with someone then use that person to prop yourself up. No matter your rationale, that's dirty pool and inappropriate. Every action has consequences, and she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. That's called being an adult. You don't pay your rent, you get evicted. Has nothing to do with being evil.

 

And I completely disagree with chasing closure. That's how breakups can turn really ugly and how they can turn into restraining orders and things of the like. Not saying that's going to happen here, but the convincing should come from the fact that you were fired from the relationship.

[Diezel]

it's not about what she wants or about if she's seeing anyone else or not. It's about the RS. Maybe she wants to be with him but the RS is beyond fixing.

 

Be logical. Assess the reality first. Probe your assumptions by using your knowledge of her and her behavior. Then draw your conclusions and decide on a proper action plan.

 

If it were being logical, she wouldn't be revisiting any of this.

 

The reality is this... she dumped him. Both of them should move on.

 

Case closed. You even gave an example yourself. You were done. 100% done. Clearly, the person this is all about, seems to be 95% done other than dealing with her own personal guilt, which is why she hasn't reached out since.

[candie13]

She's down because SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM! Now, breaking up with him does not make her evil, but it also does not allow her to use him as support. You don't get to break up with someone then use that person to prop yourself up. No matter your rationale, that's dirty pool and inappropriate. Every action has consequences, and she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. That's called being an adult. You don't pay your rent, you get evicted. Has nothing to do with being evil.

 

And I completely disagree with chasing closure. That's how breakups can turn really ugly and how they can turn into restraining orders and things of the like. Not saying that's going to happen here, but the convincing should come from the fact that you were fired from the relationship.

 

Simon, you are deeply rooted in your ego, here. Ego and rejection. You are a smart man and sound like a very decent guy. Can you at least try to get your head out of the sand and see the bigger picture? There is a bigger Universe than just actions and reactions. If you don't understand that, you will always be reacting to your environment and never master it proactively.

 

Why on earth did she leave him? Did she just wake up one morning and decided to leave? Did she leave him because she was happy? In break ups, just like in RS, there are 2 people responsible. Master the cause and you master the break up and the closure. "because she left" is not a cause. Is merely an effect. Cherchez le pourquoi!

 

And not trying to understand what pushed your partner to leave makes you highly likely to repeat the same mistakes again and f*ck up a new RS the same way. This is not about the other person leaving you. It's about you manning up to it and understand why you got that reaction / rejection. He who does not understand the past is doomed to repeat it.

 

This is NOT about chasing closure. This is about understanding the dynamic of the RS. You have to agree that it is really rare that a dumpee is simply hit with the break up. Most of the times, there are signs. Stronger or milder signs, obvious or ignored signs, but there are signs that the RS is going to hell.

 

You chase closure when you got the dynamic of the RS but your partner's behavior is not inline with the overall dynamic. This is when you need answers, when it doesn't make sense, because the RS was / seemed solid.

 

Break ups turn ugly when one dates a screwed up person, not because one wants to have a discussion with a person you've spent time with, saw naked, and prob was closer to them than their mother and father. You are projecting your own fears onto your partners. No, most people will not turn batshyte crazy on you if you want to talk to them. If you have dated a decent person, they will not laugh at you or ridicule you. They may refuse to talk to you, which is fair enough. They may not tell you the truth... but hey, that is their own responsibility, not yours. If you have questions, you are entitled to ask. As you've pointed out, once the RS is over, no one owes nobody else anything.

 

Let's assume you do have the courage to ask those questions and they treat you like shyte. Well, there goes guilt and second thoughts out of the window, because YOU KNOW. You were an honest straight up person, they were shytty. Well, finally, they show their true face, no? Nobody ever pins after a bastard, do they? There you go, healing in 5 seconds !!

 

I am a firm believer that if you think the worst of people, and guess what, you will get the worst of people. No, people i have been in RS with screw ups or f*ckups. If you are convinced about that, then your date picker is seriously damaged. Most likely that's not it. Most likely you are simply listening to your deepest worst fears. Probe, check the reality, open up and relax. It's actually a lot easier than we think. A lot less hurtful.

 

I do believe we inflict a lot of pain onto eachother, because we fear rejection so badly. We get all bitter and angry and mad. That's not the way to live or date...

[jonesey0]

We both have moved on with our lives.

We both have made significant changes to our lives in these 5 months.

After being 13 years together, without any pauses, sometimes people need time apart to realise what they had, what was good, what was bad. And i believe that can only be judged being outside of the relationship.

I don't know if we will ever be together again, but these 5 months helped me realise many things i did wrong, many things i would do differentely, and that was a perspective i couldn't have being with her everyday in a relationship.

 

I dont blame her for breaking up with me, i dont think she's a horrible person for doing that, i dont want her to suffer for what she's done, etc.

 

If there's a chance, even a small one, that we could sort everything out and be together, i wont pass on that because of pride, ego, or game playing.

[candie13]

If it were being logical, she wouldn't be revisiting any of this.

 

The reality is this... she dumped him. Both of them should move on.

 

Case closed. You even gave an example yourself. You were done. 100% done. Clearly, the person this is all about, seems to be 95% done other than dealing with her own personal guilt, which is why she hasn't reached out since.

 

you can't just end a 13 years old RS as if it were a on / off button. It's a process.

 

She dumped him because he wouldn't respond to her needs of being in a committed RS and having a family. He understands that.

 

She reached out not out of guilt for leaving, but out of love. Because she is missing him. Where's the guilt - because she left? If she were fully rational, she's think "screw that man, jerking my chain for 13 years. i need a man who can respond to my deep emotional needs, not a lil superficial boy". She is the one who does not have her needs fulfilled yet she is the one reaching out.

 

You see guilt - I see a lot of love and a whole lot of lack of rational, if you ask me. I see a woman led on for 13 years, you see a cold dumper who has remorse. Your way of looking at life, man.

 

The OP is beyond lucky. His ex gf loves him . Now... can they make it work? Is the OP ready to man up? Will she take him back ? Who knows... ?

[candie13]

We both have moved on with our lives.

We both have made significant changes to our lives in these 5 months.

After being 13 years together, without any pauses, sometimes people need time apart to realise what they had, what was good, what was bad. And i believe that can only be judged being outside of the relationship.

I don't know if we will ever be together again, but these 5 months helped me realise many things i did wrong, many things i would do differentely, and that was a perspective i couldn't have being with her everyday in a relationship.

 

I dont blame her for breaking up with me, i dont think she's a horrible person for doing that, i dont want her to suffer for what she's done, etc.

 

If there's a chance, even a small one, that we could sort everything out and be together, i wont pass on that because of pride, ego, or game playing.

 

That is one great insightful response. I wish you all the best, OP. If it works or if it doesn't work! I really am so touched to see and read your last line. Love is sooooo precious and it does go beyond ego and pride. It wouldn't be love if it didn't.

 

all the very best !

[jonesey0]

Hey there.

 

It's been two weeks since we met, and we haven't evolved in anything.

Last week i sent her an e-mail (a week after we met) with some inside jokes, and asking her to meet again, but she said it was impossible, because she was going on vacation with her parents, and that we'll arrange something when she gets back.

She was very friendly in the e-mail, and joked around with some things we had talked when we met.

The next day, she also liked a facebook post of mine, with a picture of our dog.

 

I also had dinner with a couple of friends (who are family of her, and great friends of mine) and they told me she keeps crying everyday, and her parents don't know what to with her.

They also told me that the last time they've with her, she asked if they had been with me and if i am seeing or met someone else.

 

I'm lost, and i don't know how to act.

She doesn't initiate contact with me unless she comes with the excuse of our dog. It happens every two weeks.

Should i just wait until she reaches out to me and take things from there?

Edited August 27, 2015 by jonesey0

[Diezel]

There is no "our" dog anymore. If it lives with you, it's your dog.

 

Tell your "friends" to stop talking to you about her. You're never going to get past this if you keep this up.

 

You want to be stuck in limbo?

[jonesey0]

There is no "our" dog anymore. If it lives with you, it's your dog.

 

Tell your "friends" to stop talking to you about her. You're never going to get past this if you keep this up.

 

You want to be stuck in limbo?

 

I've been with her 13 years, i love her, and i want her.

I don't WANT to get past this, until i have no hope whatsoever in getting her back.

[Diezel]

Well, prepare to suffer much, much longer then.

[thora-tiki]

@ jonesey0

 

Listen to your fellow no contact warriors. They are giving you really good advice.

 

Use this no contact time on you. To look after yourself, to grow, to do things you haven't done, but always wished you have.

 

Obviously someone who cries every day, like your ex-hole, is not ready to reconnect.

Hah!

I really think you should give her a complete time out. Maybe she needs longer than a 5 months of no contact to get her head together.

 

 

You ignore her bullsh*t (her not answering your text, e-mails, crying everyday to everyone),

and keep focusing on your personal evolution.

 

You never personally evolved during these months, and you have just been going through the motions hoping that she would come back.

 

You need to really be ready to live without your ex-hole, and prove it by living your life (dating, having fun, spending time with friends etc.)

and not worrying about reconnecting... especially if you have already tried and failed.

You usually don't get someone's attention because you want it, you usually get when you don't want it.

 

This no contact was never about making your ex-hole to love you, and come back.

 

It was about revealing her true feelings... I guess you know now, right?

I.e. that she is wishy-washy, among other things.

 

No contact will reveal your ex's true feelings (mental state/personality/character).

 

This is about living your life like you're moving on... not waiting for your ex-hole to come back.

 

No contact is a personal evolution for both you and your ex-hole - at least you know where you want to go -

back to being a happy single guy.

 

She still has to figure out what she wants.

Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex-hole away.

Use this no contact time to become the person you are suppose to be - clearly you are on your way.

 

And project jonesey0 will take as long as you need.

 

I feel you have planted a seed with no contact, and now you need to let it grow.

 

No contact does wonders for our exes, but it does a number on us too!

And sometimes in ways we don't understand.

 

We see things happening around us, on this forum, we see some couples getting back together, we see others not getting back together,

but feeling great about it, etc. And we want something to happen.

 

For me that something has more to do with me.

No contact is about and for me. I need to recover. I need to become a better, more confident person.

It is irrelevant what my ex-hole, dildo face, is doing or thinking.

 

And look at yourself as a no contact warrior.

 

No contact breaks us out of the friends zone or relationship limbo, and begins our personal evolution.

 

The purpose of our personal evolution is to calm down,

get our emotional control back and evolve past the old failed relationship, and survive a break up.

 

That is all.

 

What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

 

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