Extricating Myself From A Wreck

[WMFelt73]

Hey guys & gals, long time listener (reader?), first time caller... err poster.

 

I'm currently the OM for my exe-fiancé. We both started dating about 4 years ago, me after a bitter divorce, her after her much older husband died of cancer. In hindsight, we were both very wounded and went our separate ways amicably after 2 years. We spent about 1.25 years apart and a lot of healing happened for both of us. I dated sporadically and she found a guy in a neighboring state (about 90 miles away) to date once or twice a month for the weekend (he's a truck driver). She doesn't indicate being madly or passionately in love with him, but indicates that they have a safe & committed relationship.

 

About six months ago moved out of her old house and bought a much small home (6600sqft versus 3400sqft). Turns out that the new BF is pretty much useless with his hands, so I was asked to help install ceiling fans and other things she couldn't afford help to do. Well, one thing led to another and I'll spare you the tawdry details and it went full PA/EA within a day or two, we left a lot of passion and love on the table when we split up and it immediately boiled to the surface.

 

In an unrelated note, I will say that a huge point seems to be (according to her) that the trucker is a typical 'hop on, get off, roll off' sort of lover and that the physical aspects of me and the exe were (and still are) pretty spectacular.

 

Anyhow, I'm a guy that prides himself on his integrity and honor is a word in my professional community that carries a lot of weight (no, this isn't hyperbole), and being treated as an option and a secret simply sticks in my craw. I've gotten the typical cheating woman line of "I just need time to figure this out" and "I don't want to hurt either of you". And telling the trucker that 'her friend' is helping her with project X today'. So she's obviously cake-eating (Yay, I learned a new term today!!)

 

She's been pretty good about keeping everything quiet, but I've found over the years that truth always floats to the surface like an air bubble in water and a D-day is almost certain whether or not this continues.

 

I came across a great quote from Praying4Peace while reading this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/406153-will-she-leave-him-me

 

Instead, tell her "I don't want you to continue cheating on your H and I don't want to continue this secret relationship with you. I will defer to your marriage and if you can work it out, of course you should. If you can't then we can start a relationship in the future out in the open. Tell her that you realize that it will take some time to both make the decision and go through the process. Tell her that you will go NC with her, not because of anger or animosity but because you'd like to protect your feelings and she won't be able to think with a clear head with you in the picture. You can also add that you can have LC during the process, because you don't want her to think you'd ditch her when she needs you."

So I've decided to break it off at dinner Wednesday night and right now I'm feeling like leaning 51% to LC and 49% to NC. If she figures it out and realizes that he's safe, but bland ("They like.. toast" - Big Fat Greek Wedding) maybe she'll come around. If not, I'm back to restoring my dignity and self-worth and free to find what God might have in store for me.

 

I guess my questions are fundamentally am I on the right path here. I see over and over in threads about a cheating woman cake-eating and guys left in limbo perpetually. Any helpful observations, advice and/or info is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks everyone!!

 

WMF

Edited August 9, 2015 by WMFelt73

[Satu]

The position you are in is demeaning.

 

Of the three people involved in your triangle, you are currently the least valued.

 

You are the one on the outside, looking in.

 

So do yourself a favour:

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Value yourself.

[WMFelt73]

Thanks Satu,

 

And yes, demeaned is a good word to use. Her daughter, whom I consider my step daughter, is very close to me, so I can't be tooooooo callous, but its gotta end.

 

Fundamentally, my value myself more than this situation that I'm in, and it can't continue.

 

WMF

[Fortunesfool 79]

From my experience I would say get out before you get in to deep man.

[WMFelt73]

Well, its done, over dinner tonight. I was as gentle as I could be but I basically said that I'm an honorable man and that I'm being caught in a web of lies that I wasn't willing to be a part of. I didn't mention NC or LC, but I made it clear that I wasn't interested in talking to her unless she was single. And even then I'd have serious reservations.

 

Thanks for all the likes/support guys and gals.

 

WMF

[Whisper Quiet]

You have done the right thing. The ex may respect your decision or she may find ways to try to reel you back in to the triangle. Wishing you strength and peace as you continue.

[casey.lives]

there's no such thing as "safe" ... love is always a risk that requires bravery! If his other option hears that she is the "safe" one.... it won't last. It's an insult. Some woman are safe to love but it's for love!! Just hire him to do some plumbing and he'll be all yours.

Edited August 13, 2015 by casey.lives

[WMFelt73]

there's no such thing as "safe"... love is always a risk that requires bravery! If his other option hears that she is the "safe" one.... it won't last. It's an insult. Some woman are safe to love but it's for love!! Just hire him to do some plumbing and he'll be all yours.

 

 

Huh? This is MWM situation. Not a WMW situation.

[WMFelt73]

Well, apparently while I was out of state this weekend, a partial D-day occurred. Apparently from what I can gather, One of the nosey retiree neighbors left a note on the dude's truck telling him that there was another guy staying there almost every night that he wasn't there and that the neighbor had seen us kiss goodnight as I left, several times.

 

The adopted daughter also passed on that the woman in question wiggled out of it by telling the guy that it was only the kissing, and that nothing else occurred and he bought it and forgave her.

 

She sent me two long text messages apologizing for her behavior on the phone the day after I broke it off, to which I didn't reply, nor will I. I suspect she's trying to hedge her bets by being kind in the event he figures it out more fully in the next few days and gets dumped by the boyfriend. I didn't block her number in the event something ever happens to the daughter I can be notified.

 

But, I'm SOOO glad that I ejected from that wreck last week. If he's dumb enough to believe that load of bovine feces, then they deserve each other. Thanks for all the kind words of advice and encouragement. You folks are great.

 

WMF

[Heatherknows]

*No monitoring of her on social media.

 

This above one is crucial. If you're following her conversations, posts, threads, updates etc. it will leave you feeling even more excluded from her life. Make "no monitoring of social media" part of the NC rule.

[Popsicle]

I hope you don't take her back if her H dumps her (which he probably won't but still).

[lemondrop21]

WM, I think it's sad that she fed him half-truths when the "d-day" occurred. I think it's a sign that she's not actually committed to working on improving the relationship with him. If she was, she would use this as an opportunity to come clean, see if he still wants her after she tells all, and if he does, to move forward with full honesty and openness.

 

I had one "d-day" of sorts in my previous long term relationship, when I was having a brief emotional affair via email and skype with an ex-boyfriend. My then-bf read my email as I'd been acting suspicious with my phone, and he confronted me. Did I tell him the extent of the emailing and skyping? I'm ashamed to say that no, I told him half-truths. I was unsure about the relationship working out and was terrified that if he knew the whole truth, he would leave me. This was weakness on my part and is not something I'm proud of at all. Since I was not entirely committed to the relationship even in the heat of d-day, I should have just gotten out of the relationship. He deserved better.

 

You also deserve better than this woman if she does try and get you back eventually. Please bear in mind that she needs to do some major work on herself.

[WMFelt73]

I had a long conversation with the primary dude today. I spelled out every lie she'd told him and that all he had to do was ask for her phone to see for himself. Initially I think he sorta believed me, but then later told me via text that he'd decided I was simply not telling the truth and he'd forgive her anyhow..

 

I wish them well, truly they deserve each other, easily the most deceitful woman I've probably ever met and the DUMBEST guy. Now that she knows she can get away with literally any/every thing, he'll be a doormat the rest of his life. What real man would want to be treated like that?

 

Lead a horse to water I suppose.

 

WMF

Edited August 18, 2015 by WMFelt73

[Artie Lang]

wow, you screw this guys wife while make disparaging remarks about him, and to add insult to injury you make fun of the fact he believed the BS you two fed him. you're quite a guy.

 

you're in the same category this woman is... you're no prize yourself, pal.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Artie Lang

[lemondrop21]

Artie, I see your point, although I think WM was being a bit reactive to having been pushed away and not believed when he was trying to do this man a favor. I'd probably feel a bit annoyed and reactive in the moment, myself.

[Whisper Quiet]

You said you did not block her so she could contact you in the event something happened to her daughter. I'm calling bull$hit on that excuse. More likely you were leaving the door open a crack.

 

Block her. If a situation arises where she needs to contact you she will find a way.

 

A little (or a lot) time to reflect on your own actions and culpability in this situation seem to be in order.

[WMFelt73]

You said you did not block her so she could contact you in the event something happened to her daughter. I'm calling bull$hit on that excuse. More likely you were leaving the door open a crack.

 

Block her. If a situation arises where she needs to contact you she will find a way.

 

A little (or a lot) time to reflect on your own actions and culpability in this situation seem to be in order.

 

I did end up blocking her yesterday. And yes, I need to make more improvements on myself.

 

Artie, I see your point, although I think WM was being a bit reactive to having been pushed away and not believed when he was trying to do this man a favor. I'd probably feel a bit annoyed and reactive in the moment, myself.

 

Yeah, I was harsh. But calling someone names because their calling names doesn't help the conversation move forward.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

WMF

[Popsicle]

Now that she knows she can get away with literally any/every thing, he'll be a doormat the rest of his life.

 

Yup, and she'll never respect him.