LDR was going great - Now she says "Babe I think I need some space" and no contact

[LBmack]

Hey guys,

 

I have a couple posts about this relationship if you want to know the background, I will try to keep it really short and concise but I am in a pinch with this girl and I really need some advice - Please help if you can spare a few minutes I would be grateful - I' ve met a special girl, and its long distance, its complicated, but we have a real connection. I let my trust and insecurity issues flare up and now she said she "needs space"

 

prior threads found here -

 

Falling fast for LD dreamgirl! need help bad, projecting insecurity/neediness

 

Just a Vegas fling with a Xcountry 10? Catching feelings/make it more? Plz read

 

 

I'll just list the facts and try to keep it short.

 

- We met in Vegas 4 months ago and hit it off from the start

- I live in San Francisco , She lives in Boston / NYC area

- She is about to turn 23, moved to America from Brazil when she was 19

- We have been talking or texting EVERY DAY - since we met, until now when she said she needed space on Friday. I never did any push/pull or ignored her messages for longer than half a day etc.. (I know I should have set a better frame on this)

 

- My Dad passed away very unexpectedly about a week after we met.. which has made me emotionally unstable a bit since we met. I did warn her about this and she said she wanted to be here for me.

 

- She is living with her ex-boyfriend who she is also married to on paper for a greencard arrangement - (she was honest about all of this when we met, and I started getting involved knowing this) She said they haven’t been intimate in 8 months and offered to prove it to me last time she was here, by texting him and she said he would tell the truth.. I said thanks but you don’t need to do that. He humiliated her and cheated on her with dozens of girls, I know she doesn’t want to be with him although I hate the situation. She said in the past that she is going to move out asap to be with me. In December or Januray. 5-6 months..

 

- She has 5-6 months left until she gets her visa and can divorce without getting a into greencard issues.

 

- She came out to stay with me for a week over memorial day, things started moving really quickly and we bonded fast, - not to mention our sex is off the charts, we get along really well and have a lot of things in common, goals, love for animals, fishing .. Both times she came it was some of the best times of our lives we both agreed

 

- She came out again over the 4th of July, this time we extended her trip for another week, and she came with my to my home state and met my family, took her to the lake etc, showed her where I grew up. She stayed for 2 weeks it was amazing.

 

-, She has been saying all the right things to me.. again we bonded fast and started making future plans, shes talking marriage, wanting to have my kids, shes telling me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and shes sure of it.. L-bombs are being dropped etc.. I was all for it, ive been single for 2 years, and I am into this girl

 

- About a 2 weeks ago, she did not get back to me until late late at night and said she was with a friend watching movies which is why she ignored by text.. I showed insecurity and said I didn't trust her.. She said she didnt trust me either and we got in an argument about me going to Vegas in a few weeks and that she doesnt trust me... etc. I was also overwhelming her with longer type messages.. :/

 

- Later she got upset about girls flirting with my friend on my snapchat story and said she needs space, and that maybe I should cancel my upcoming trip to NYC, and that "She cant do this because she doesnt trust me, shes got to deal with her own life **** , and it makes her "heart race" to worry about me.. I reassured her, and we made up, shes saying I love you babe again etc.. but shes getting distant.

 

- Last week I kept trying to pull her in.. texting her daily... she said she needs space again, I try to talk to her and assure her everything is alright but this time she doesnt reply and we havent spoken since Friday.. when she said that. and I will show you how I left things on my last text.

 

My last texts to her after she said “ Babe I think I need some space”

 

” Babe ..

Ok .

: You can tell me what's going on . I'll support you

: I'm just trying to build trust so you don't feel worried or unhappy in this. . But yea I can tell you have been distant.. if you just tell me what you want or what you are feeling I will understand you know?

[8/7, 2:39 PM] : I trust you ..

[8/7, 2:41 PM] : I trust you to tell me what's going on .. and how you are feeling. I'll understand whatever it is ...

[8/7, 2:50 PM] : Just talk to me when you have a second and I'll call you .. tell me what's going on.. whatever its. and I'll give you the space you need ok hun?

 

At this point she ignores my telephone call so I get back to work.

 

[8/7, 4:31 PM] : Heyyy.. I realized you may not even know what's going on or why you are feeling this way.. it might not even have anything to do with me. You are making me really curious as to what is going on but I'm not going to try to force it out of you . I feel like you will tell me when you are ready or when, or we can just give eachother space and pick up where we left off when we are ready.

 

At the same time I know we both have a lot going on in life right now.. so guess I should give myself some space as well and take a step back.. I'm feeling to invested in this .. and we don't have to be so serious all the time you know.. ? I just want it to be fun.

 

I can still love you and be your friend. . We can still be there for eachother without having to be so serious and talking all the time .

I'm going to lay low this weekend .. I'll be around if you want to chat . I hope you have a fun night .

 

Later that night I said ,”Theres a lot to be said about loving and caring without expecting anything in return, in the spirt of that I wanted to say goodnight to you”

 

Still no reply

 

 

Basically I am wondering what to do, now. I don’t want to keep waiting but one of my friends said I should wait at least a week or for her to text me back, to show I am fine without her and make her wonder. Although she is the type with a lot of pride and might want me to make contact first. However I did leave the ball in her court, she said she needs space not me. She knows I am here for her.. I just want things to be less serious, like “boyfriend and girlfriend” and go back to just being fun and flirty and in eachothers lives.

 

I kind of want to send something funny like a picture of outer space and “Hun I got plenty of this for us so we can go back to flirting again. Wanted to say Hi” I am sick of waiting. Or just say "Wanted to say Hi and hope you are doing well" or something , I don;t know, Help! But this is only the second day we have gone without speaking..

 

I just don’t understand how things could be so awesome and then go **** so damn fast! My friends say I just need to give her space and focus on myself and she will come back.. but how much space and when can we start talking again? Also I am supposed to be going to the east coast to visit in 3 weeks and I want to make that trip still happen. I don’t want to waste too much time playing this waiting game.

 

Thanks so much for your time and your help.

[madjac74]

 

My friends say I just need to give her space and focus on myself and she will come back..

 

Your friends are somewhat right. Just worry about you and go about life as a single man.

[ExpatInItaly]

I read your other threads, and I'm confused about her current relationship status.

 

In one thread, you stated she's living with an ex. In another, you said she has a boyfriend. In this thread, he's now her husband. Which is it? Did she change her story, or did you alter the details in your threads? This part of the story is important, so some clarification would help.

 

There are too many red flags here to count. Her current living arrangement and marriage (?) are suspicious and should be enough to keep you away from her. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You barely know her and she's already told you she wants children with you. That should concern you. She is high off the thrill of the new relationship, and making future plans based on that initial lust rather than genuine love for you. Those types of beginnings tend to burn out quickly too, once the person realizes what they've said and that they are in over their heads.

 

Don't send her any more texts, pictures, jokes. She said she wanted space. You need to respect that, hard as it is. Don't contact her at all. I have a feeling she's realized the distance is too much and she wants someone local.

[Aedra]

"I just don’t understand how things could be so awesome and then go **** so damn fast!"

 

It's easy to be so blind at the beginning, when we idealize our love interest and ignore their flaws. You hardly know her and she could turn out to be nothing like you imagined her to be after the lust is gone. Just be careful and try to keep your head clear. If your heart is truly set out on her regardless of the trainwreck circumstances, then you do need to give her space like your friends recommended. Give it a 2 week timeframe, for simplicity's sake. Send her a friendly text telling her you respect her need for space and that you hope she reaches out when she's ready. It shows you do actually respect her wishes and it also an important time to observe how she reacts and how she really feels about you as well as focus more on yourself for a while.

 

If she ditches you by then well you've just dodged a bullet and it says everything. If nothing happens, then just ask her calmly what's up. If she tries to blame it all on you or responds poorly its best not to pursue her any further in my opinion. She needs to sort out her ex-boyfriend stuff anyway, I think you owe it to yourself to wait until that's over and done with, if she ever actually does do it.

Edited August 10, 2015 by Aedra

[LBmack]

Well, she first told me that she was living with her ex boyfriend. Then I found out she's actually married on paper for a green card to him. She lived with him for about a year and a half, and also works with him, she got a really good job because of him. Then she found out she was cheating on her, you got physically and emotionally abusive and humiliated her. She went into a bad depression for a while. Now she's planning to move out in December.

 

I'm supposed to go to New York to visit her in 3 weeks so waiting for 2 weeks seems like a pretty big stretch for me. I want to reach out to her so bad and I don't even want to talk about what's wrong I just want to say hi and that I hope she's doing well. It is really hard but I guess I can wait a few more days. Maybe I should do what my friend said and just end things myself because this is killing me. If she really loved me like she said she would tell me what was going on. I know she has a lot going on in life and she doesn't want to bring me down by talking about it sometimes. This no contact thing is just brutal.

 

I just can't see how 3 weeks ago we were here and together and in love, talking about planning a future together. Just before she said she needed space we were planning my trip to New York. And now we're not speaking and I don't even know why just because I got a little insecure and show that I was having trust issues? We both been cheated on before so she knows that's why I have trust issues. I guess this is my chance to show that I'm strong without her and that I'm fine giving her space?

 

I would like to send something let to let her know I'm thinking about her and that I do respect her space. So maybe just wait a few more days or a week at most? I don't think I can wait that long like this I'd rather just end it and be in torment wondering for another week almost. And also when we do make contact how do I take things step back and not be like boyfriend and girlfriend but just be like close friends and in each others lives and still flirting like we used to until she figures out her living situation or whatever?

 

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to read this and respond

[LBmack]

Also how long should I wait to just say hi and that I respect your need for space and hope she reaches out? Keeping in mind that I'm supposed to go to New York to visit her in 3 weeks. In the beginning we talked about how we both don't want to play games, but you're right she said she needs space. But I guess the real point is it couldn't hurt just to say hi and let her know I'm thinking of her. And if it does then she's not the kind of person I want to be with anyways because saying hi should never hurt.? Right? It has only been since Friday since we spoke so it's only been two days without contact maybe I should wait a little longer to say hi. Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it but its so hard.

[LBmack]

So.. I broke down this morning and messaged her. I saw she was looking at my snapchat and she was online messenger so I said .

 

"Hey, I wanted to say hi, and that I respect your need for space. I hope you reach out when you are ready."

 

She read the message and then about an hour later replied.

 

"Hey. Thanks. We will talk this week."

 

Im really glad she responded because it was really bothering me waiting in silence.

 

I'm thinking of waiting a day or two and sending a flirty message ..

 

The picture of outer space and "good because I have plenty more of this on tap for us so we can flirt and be in touch again"

 

When we talk ... bottom line.. I just want to tell her "I would rather have my "special friend" back then ruin things trying to be all serious and boyfriend / girlfriend from across the country when we cant be together right now "

 

And also find out what's up with my NYC trip.

 

What do you guys think?

 

And thanks again for all of your help! I think I found my new home for relationship advice!

[LBmack]

So.. I broke down this morning and messaged her. I saw she was looking at my snapchat and she was online messenger so I said .

 

"Hey, I wanted to say hi, and that I respect your need for space. I hope you reach out when you are ready."

 

She read the message and then about an hour later replied.

 

"Hey. Thanks. We will talk this week."

 

Im really glad she responded because it was really bothering me waiting in silence.

 

I'm thinking of waiting a day or two and sending a flirty message ..

 

The picture of outer space and "good because I have plenty more of this on tap for us so we can flirt and be in touch again"

 

When we talk ... bottom line.. I just want to tell her "I would rather have my "special friend" back then ruin things trying to be all serious and boyfriend / girlfriend from across the country when we cant be together right now "

 

And also find out what's up with my NYC trip.

 

What do you guys think?

 

And thanks again for all of your help! I think I found my new home for relationship advice!

[ExpatInItaly]

So.. I broke down this morning and messaged her. I saw she was looking at my snapchat and she was online messenger so I said .

 

"Hey, I wanted to say hi, and that I respect your need for space. I hope you reach out when you are ready."

 

She read the message and then about an hour later replied.

 

"Hey. Thanks. We will talk this week."

 

Im really glad she responded because it was really bothering me waiting in silence.

 

I'm thinking of waiting a day or two and sending a flirty message ..

 

The picture of outer space and "good because I have plenty more of this on tap for us so we can flirt and be in touch again"

 

When we talk ... bottom line.. I just want to tell her "I would rather have my "special friend" back then ruin things trying to be all serious and boyfriend / girlfriend from across the country when we cant be together right now "

 

And also find out what's up with my NYC trip.

 

What do you guys think?

 

And thanks again for all of your help! I think I found my new home for relationship advice!

 

No. Do not send this. This is not giving her space. Giving her space means no texting, calls, messages, period.

 

I would assume the NYC trip is off. Have you already booked your tickets, accommodations, etc?

 

If I am reading this correctly, you have never been to visit her before. I have a feeling this husband-roomate situation is not exactly what she made it sound like, and her realizing that you're actually coming to see her made her panic a bit. They might still be more involved than you know. And you can't really be planning any type of future while she is still married anyway. It doesn't matter if it's only on paper or not.

 

Sorry OP, but I don't think this looks very good at all.

[LBmack]

Hey Thanks for the reply albeit with a somber outlook.

 

Yes I have not been to visit her yet that is correct.

 

I have booked my flight and accommodations. . She was asking me if I had gotten the hotel a day before she said she needed space.

 

What I am thinking of saying when we talk is this :

 

"I am going to say that I want my "special friend back", and to make it fun and flirty again.. not put all this unneeded pressure on us trying to be boyfriend and girlfriend from across the country.. I think our connection is real and valuable, but we can't be together right now and we have other things to focus on, including her ending her current relationship and resolving her living situation . and tell her I still want to visit her in NYC for the weekend at the end of the month ."

 

I think if I lead by sayin what I want, I can take control of the frame..

 

I am also preparing myself to lose her.. and if so.. I guess it was really fun while it lasted and I don't have any regrets besides getting so serious and invested so fast. Chalk it up to learning experience and hopefully we can say friends.

 

To be honest guys I don't see any reason why we couldnt continue to be friends and in each other's lives. I know our connection is real .. like other friends said.. if she didn't really feel something.. she wouldn't have spent 3 weeks of her vacation with me and all that money coming to visit. I see the fact that lust and the fantasy of a new relationship is a powerful thing.. that being said .. this Girl is so beautiful, she can have her choice of men for sex and new relationships without having to go cross country. . So clearly she saw and sees something in my in my opinion.

[Zagan]

I have a feeling this husband-roomate situation is not exactly what she made it sound like, and her realizing that you're actually coming to see her made her panic a bit.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

If she is going distant and cold suddenly when it's close to being time for you to go and see her then you have to put 2 and 2 together. Something has changed in her situation at home, at the very least. She very well may have been honest about this guy at the start. I can't imagine any normal husband not caring that his wife disappears for weeks at a time, especially since they work together and she isn't originally from the USA so has no other friends therefore she doesn't have any valid excuses to go away on trips. But something has changed there.

 

You said he had cheated on her and she was in a deep depression for a while. This makes it pretty hard to believe that they only married for greencard purposes, she clearly had very deep feelings for this guy.

 

I also don't think she could come out of a depression, meet a guy, fall in love and plan a future. It's just too quick. It's not like she's even had any chance to truly get over her 'husband', she lives with the guy!

 

You may have been some kind of rebound. Perhaps that wasn't what she intended you to be but people don't always realise. Maybe this guy got jealous about her having a new relationship and reeled her back in, you said he was emotionally abusive to her so it's not hard to believe he's a manipulative person. That being said, you really don't know what he's like. You only have her side of the story, and I'm not saying she's been lying to you, but you only have an impression of him and the dynamics of their relationship from what has come directly from her mouth. Regardless of that, something has evidently changed in this situation, because there is a reason she does not want you visiting her there.

 

Giving someone space means no contact at all. Texting someone to tell them you are giving them space is not space. It doesn't matter how weak you feel or how often you break down, do not contact her. Not to be funny or flirty or cute, nothing. She won't appreciate it. And that includes texting her with regards to her saying she will speak to you this week.. Don't reach out, don't ask 'I thought we were going to talk' .. Let her come to you.

 

And remember, if something has changed in her situation then she very well may be a little loose with the truth. Or maybe she will tell you exactly what's going on, who knows. Either way, don't beg or plead or ask why, keep your dignity intact, even if you're falling apart inside. It was a LDR and you only know the best parts of her, she might be a real pest to be with on a more consistent basis. So focus on thinking rationally everytime you start to grieve for the parts that you lost. Rebuild yourself and you will meet somebody else, who has the emotional capacity to put all of her into you like you have for her.

[LBmack]

I did think that perhaps he was able to pull her back in..

 

Although she swears up and down that he is the last thing I need to worry about, that she knows for sure she doesn't love him anymore, she knows that to her core, he's already been dating someone else, spreading lies and rumors about her at work. Etc.. she said if anything she would end up meeting someone else in a club or through friends.

 

That being said I know they still have this proximity so anything could happen. Until she goes through with the divorce he still has a chance.

 

And yes you are correct, she did love him and she was truly planning to build her future with him until she found out who he really was..

 

I think much of her needing space sterns from me having a bad week, showing that I don't trust her, showing insecurity and neediness and overwhelming her with texts and calls.. also the fact that it escalated so quickly.

 

Also when we argued before, she told me upfront I should cancel my NYC trip. Since we made up, we talked about hotels etc and she followed up to make sure I booked it on Thursday. . On Friday she said she needs space. However I could see her having cold feet about me coming even though we won't set foot in her apartment or neighborhood. . She could be apprehensive about showing me her life and the pressure of perhaps introducing me ton her friends. That being said, she's the one who invited me to NYC.. she even invited me there for her birthday weekend in Sept but I can't be there.. she also said she wanted to come and take care of me after I have this upcoming surgery.. so unless she met someone else and started something, or is thinking about giving her ex another chance. I can't see why she would cancel my NYC trip.. also not to be vulgar but I'm quite sure our sexual chemistry is stronger than either of us have ever felt.. she told me I have taken her to New heights emotionally and physically in that reguard..

 

I really think a lot of it has to do with the stress I her life and how fast we got serious. Also the stress with her living situation. She said she just wants it to go smoothly and be drama free unail December so she can get him to sign the papers.

 

 

Reguardless I have decided to prepare myself for it to be over romantically. . I don't see why we couldn't remain friends.

 

When we talk I will tell her what I want, to remain close friends and keep the connection. . But not force the serious boyfriend and girlfriend status which I feel is causing the stress on us. I will tell her I still want to spend the weekend with her in NYC..

 

If she tells me I should cancel.. I will agree to it.. but I will ask why. At that point, if she tells me to cancel the trip I will end things romantically for sure... and wish her the best and hope we can stay friends.

 

.if it falls apart.. I just need to remember that it was a learning experience for me and it was so very fun while it lasted... I need to remmeber to focus on my faith, myself , and my own goals and let the rest fall into place.

 

I am 30 years old.. I can't be focused on a 23 year old girl who lives across the country ..

 

I just want my friend back and I don't want to lose the connection and possibility for the future.

 

Thanks for the replies I am checking this often. Much appreciated.

[lolablue17]

I would never allow any woman to ignore me. I can forgive being upset, shoutings, saying ugly words, and even cheating in some level, but I can never allow ignoring me.

 

So, If I were you I would use this situation when she told you that you will speak this week, and totaly disappear. I wouldn't answer her texts, calls, nothing! Never! Let her be looking for you.

 

After 2-3 weeks of her searching for you, you can reply "We will talk this year".

[justwhoiam]

Hi LBmack,

 

I'll be brutally honest with you, so I hope you won't mind.

 

First of all, I think it's funny that you're a player, but you found a girl in VEGAS (not in Montana) and forgot you were a player altogether, you had amazing sex with her, even knowing she had a boyfriend at home, then you started falling for her and, although you've never talked about being exclusive, you introduced her to your family (!) and there was talk about getting married and having kids! Then, to add some funnier details: you found out she's living with her boss, who's also her husband and whom she married in order to get a green card (or to get the fabulous job too?), and waiting for the green card to be able to finally move out, plus, as she has no other place to stay, she said she's coming there to stay at your place.

 

I think I'm gonna challenge you with a long post here. Giving you some of your own medicine.

 

1. Don't you think it's weird that you never talked about being exclusive and she comes up with talk about having children together?

 

2. Didn't you realize she was going out at night, you don't really know whom with, and you were fine with it, and even about to allow her to live with you, with no sort of commitment?

 

3. It looks like you let her in your world, introducing her to your family, but did she let you in her own world? I guess not. That was a huge red flag. If that's the case, if you never met flesh and bone with any of her friends, you didn't meet her husband, you never met any member of her family, nothing, she just kept you away from her own world for 4 months. And now that you're about to visit her, a breakup or "space time" might come in handy. Didn't you realize that?

 

4. Have you ever been free to call her any time of day or night? It seems to me that she has you wrapped around her little finger. She decides what, when and where. If you ever tried to call at night past dinner time, and she wouldn't pick up the calls, you should be smart enough to understand she CAN'T, aka she's not in a position to have a romantic (sexual?) relationship out of her marriage.

 

5. I'm not sure if he cheated on her. But if he did and she stayed, that was her decision, and she obviously had her own advantage. She makes good money, right? And he's her employer. I have good reason to think she's staying at his place for free too. Where can she get a better arrangement? I'm not buying the victim claims really, she's 23, and can do what she wants with her life. She has no kids, right? Or are they going to magically come out of a top hat?

 

6. Regardless of whether he cheated on her or not, she had sex with you right away, no strings attached. I sense it was not the first time for her. You liked her that way. What you see is what you get. I guess you shouldn't get involved with a girl who's out there just to have fun. Because chances are she's not the type of girl wanting a steady relationship.

 

7. You shouldn't talk about marriage and kids before getting into a steady exclusive relationship. Unless you're OK with sharing a girl with other men and fine with not knowing if the baby is really yours.

 

8. I also sense that you tend to justify her behavior. She lied to you from the start, and you said she was honest with you from the start. Well no. Because you said she mentioned an abusing boyfriend, and then you found out that was in reality her husband and boss. What a twist of events. Since she was not really honest with you from the start, I suggest you dig a bit into her situation on your own. You can maybe spend $10 or so to get a background check.

 

9. I too believe that maybe now that your trip to NY is approaching, she realized it's not gonna be easy to manage everything (work, home, you...)

 

10. She's a marvel to you, and don't think it's shady that you need to stay out of her neighborhood. I would agree to that only if she were honest about it, saying something like: "I didn't tell him about us yet..." or something like that. Honest to the bone right? No, I don't think she's sticking to that rule.

 

"She said they haven’t been intimate in 8 months and offered to prove it to me last time she was here, by texting him"

I would have taken her offer gladly, even going farther, asking "May i call him directly? It's easier."

 

"She has 5-6 months left until she gets her visa and can divorce without getting a into greencard issues."

Uh huh, it will take her more time to obtain citizenship if she gets divorced, she might not go back to her country as she wishes... she would have restrictions... So maybe that's why she's willing to remarry right away. Bingo!

 

"She came out to stay with me for a week"

I feel 2 weeks with her are not enough to really know her well. What is she like during that time of the month? Or is she on permanent birth control like a contraceptive patch or continuous pill? Or... she's not using anything but condoms? Also, you don't know her sex drive in the long run, but just for 2 or 3 weeks.

 

"She came out again over the 4th of July, this time we extended her trip for another week"

Is it safe to believe that she made up stories at home about where she was going to? Or are your pictures together on the web for anyone to see, making the fling with you public?

 

"She has been saying all the right things to me"

Maybe she's an experienced player too?

 

"About a 2 weeks ago, she did not get back to me until late late at night and said she was with a friend watching movies which is why she ignored by text.."

When you first met her, wasn't she texting home? Probably making up this kind of stories.

 

Your texts screamed: too much, too needy, too considerate, too tolerating, in short: desperate. If that is who you're willing to be, then fine. But the risk is, when a man is willing to be a doormat and not even in a relationship, and not even pursuing the girl, then expect respect to be lost and gone. Or at the very least, any appeal will be gone and lost. Attraction kind of fades away.

 

"one of my friends said I should wait at least a week or for her to text me back"

I think you went wrong not listening to your friend.

 

"I just want things to be less serious, like “boyfriend and girlfriend” and go back to just being fun and flirty and in eachothers lives"

Well, then you don't introduce her to your family. Too late. I mean, you can now downgrade her to friend with benefit, but she's already detaching.

 

"I kind of want to send something funny like a picture of outer space and “Hun I got plenty of this for us so we can go back to flirting again. Wanted to say Hi” I am sick of waiting. Or just say "Wanted to say Hi and hope you are doing well" or something , I don;t know, Help! But this is only the second day we have gone without speaking.."

All the above would be OK, if you were a teen, but you're 30. That need of reaching out at all cost is justified only when a guy is in love and a there's been a meaningful relationship. In your case, it's just kind of ridiculous and stalker-like.

 

"I just don’t understand how things could be so awesome and then go **** so damn fast!"

Because you were blinded by her charm and ignored all the red flags?

 

If she really loved me like she said

If she really loved you, wouldn't she want a relationship with you? Why was the deal so loose? I think it's because she needed it to be that way. As simple as that. And anyway, you go from wanting her as a f buddy to wanting her as a gf. I'm confused. What do you want? Or are you just ready for anything she can give you, as little as it is? This screams "DESPERATE" so loud.

 

I would like to send something let to let her know I'm thinking about her and that I do respect her space.

Oh my, she will know you respect her space, if you let her have her space. If you don't, you can just pester her any day or any other day, that will mean you're not respecting her space, no matter what you write to her!

 

Also how long should I wait to just say hi and that I respect your need for space and hope she reaches out?

A month, to say hi. No mention at all about respecting her space. No need to if you respect her wish. Actions speak louder than words. Just leave her alone and let her reach out to you.

 

Have you thought that maybe she found someone else local to live with, so she won't need to relocate so far away? She wouldn't lose her friends, etc.

 

Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it but its so hard.

Right.

 

So.. I broke down this morning and messaged her.

You're like putty in her hands, and she got that already. A while ago. From player to spineless.

 

Im really glad she responded because it was really bothering me waiting in silence.

Next thing you know, you get excited about the crumbs she throws at you.

 

I think if I lead by sayin what I want, I can take control of the frame..

Lead? Do you have the impression you led anything interacting with her?

 

To be honest guys I don't see any reason why we couldnt continue to be friends and in each other's lives.

It takes two for that to happen, and she might not be interested in that.

 

if she didn't really feel something.. she wouldn't have spent 3 weeks of her vacation with me and all that money coming to visit.

Why not? Also, did she spend money for everything? Accomodation for 3 weeks, meals, transport, etc?

 

she said if anything she would end up meeting someone else in a club or through friends.

Understandable. She gave you clues.

 

I think much of her needing space sterns from me having a bad week

I feel you would know much more about her inviting her husband out for a drink. Maybe you'd hear a different story.

 

I really think a lot of it has to do with the stress I her life and how fast we got serious

Did I miss something here? Because I thought that you never mentioned being bf/gf or even being exclusive. You both were free to see anyone you wanted to.

 

I just need to remember that it was a learning experience for me and it was so very fun while it lasted... I need to remmeber to focus on my faith, myself , and my own goals and let the rest fall into place.

I'm not sure you learned the lesson right?

 

I am 30 years old.. I can't be focused on a 23 year old girl who lives across the country ..

So, with this, what would you want from her? A FWB?

 

I just want my friend back and I don't want to lose the connection and possibility for the future.

Was she ever a friend to you? And were you ever a friend to her? It started off sexually, and flirting right away. Since the very start. Edited August 11, 2015 by justwhoiam

[TMichaels]

P.T. Barnum said "There's a sucker born every minute."

 

I've read the other threads you referenced, as well as what you've written here. I hope to God you didn't take the silly-@ss advice you were given on those other boards. All I'll say is, man there are some delusional, immature, game-playing idiots out there. No wonder so many women think men are jerks.

 

However, LBmack, I hate to say it, but it appears P.T. Barnum's shoe fits you like a glove. You really need to get a grip.

 

All you have to go on is what this woman has told you. I don't care whether you think you "have a connection." My guess, given the number of times you have brought it up, your "perception" of the situation would be a he|| of a lot different, if a) She wasn't such a "looker" (aka you can't believe someone as hot as her is interested in you; and b) You didn't have such fabulous sex. (Hmmm... Where did she learn her technique, I wonder?).

 

You have no clue or proof what she has said has any basis in reality, and quite frankly, I think she's playing you for a fool.

 

You met this woman in Vegas. Why was she there? Was she there all alone? How did she manage to meet you? Who made the first move? Who suggested you go to bed? How much alcohol or drugs were involved before/during/after? Who paid for the lion's share of the time/activities you spent together while you were there? Who brought up a subsequent meeting?

 

When she suddenly decided to come out and see you in Cali, who paid for her ticket, her meals, her entertainment, and anything else? If she did, where did she get the money? Do you really believe the B.S. about her not being able to visit because there her "roommate" wouldn't take care of her dogs?

 

Then there's her whole work "story." What does she do for a living? Where does she work? Do you have her work address and phone number? Have you called the office and asked to speak to her? Or, has she fed you some bull that she works from home or the business is operated online, so there is no physical office or phone?

 

And then, of course, there's her living arrangements. Do you know where she lives? Do you have her address? Have you done any research to find out if she actually lives there and who else also does? Have you sent her a package to her home (or to work for that matter), and do you know whether she received it? (Hint: It only counts if she can describe what it was or better yet, show you on cam that she got it.)

 

What's the boyfriend's/husband's/roommate's name? Are the two of them legally married? Does he really live in the same household? Do the two of them have kids? Have you video Skyped with her when she is ostensibly at home (or work)? If not, why not, since she's led you to believe they're nothing but "friends" and roommates at this stage of the game.

 

Do you have any clue about immigration law? I don't know that I agree with her assertion that in five or six months she can get a divorce. What is the status of her green card application? It makes a difference. Even if/when she gets one, it can be revoked if she divorces soon after. Duh. Doesn't take an immigration officer much time to see through that ruse.

 

While we're at it, do you have any clue where she is from in Brazil? I'm not talking about what city, but what do you know about her family? Have you talked to any of them or better yet, seen them on cam? Have you done any footwork to check and see whether what she's told you about them is true?

 

My guess is that you probably haven't. You're living on the fumes of the heady times you had, and you've convinced yourself this relationship "is the real thing" when in reality, you don't have a clue what's real or not.

 

There's a reason why this woman "needs space," LBmack. She's distancing herself on purpose. It's one thing when you're on opposite coasts -- you have no way of knowing what her life is really like or whether what she's been telling you has a grain of truth to it.

 

Plus, it hasn't mattered up to this point. Whatever (precious little) she's told you, I'm guessing took at face value, lapped up without a spoon, and didn't question or probe. She's told you what she thought you wanted to hear, what you'd believe, and what she could get away with. Even if you ostensibly won't be going anywhere near where she lives if you visit, "you're in her hood" which most likely is too close for comfort, because I guarantee you, LBmack, what she's told you isn't 100% true.

 

He||, how do you know? She may not live in NYC at all. That's what she's told you, but do you know that for a fact?

 

In a nutshell LBmack, what I am trying to tell you is that you are working yourself up in a tizzy based on a whole lot of talk and heavy breathing and not much else.

 

Hey fine if you have just met someone and you're getting to know each other, but by your own admission she was the one that was in a rush to drop he "L-bomb," and you were a bit surprised that things were moving so fast. You were right to question that.

 

However, she got you so worked up, you now believe the fairy tale she laid out there for you to gobble up. You're now head over heels in love with this girl and building marital castles in the sky with someone who you basically know nothing about and is pushing you away the minute you are planning to be in her so-called territory.

 

And don't try to hand out that pathetic bu||sh|t about "just wanting to be her friend" now that things have seemed to have gone south. You only want to try and see if you can get her to go for that so you can worm your way back into her life. You need this relationship like a hole in your head, but maybe that's the problem -- you already had a hole that needed patching so it didn't take much for you to fall for her and her stories hook, line and sinker. My bet is that she knew and sensed that from the get-go. I'm willing to bet this isn't her first rodeo, LBmack.

 

You can be upset and mad at me if you want for any or all of the above, but unless you have done your homework (and I mean legitimate, objective, unbiased, and even third-party independent verification and sleuthing), I'm afraid I don't buy about 90% of what this woman's story purportedly has told.

 

I'm not saying you need to hire a P.I. to get the real skinny (though it wouldn't hurt), but if I were you, I'd be hell-bent for leather doing some background checking of my own before I would waste any more mental or emotional capital on this woman.

 

It's not a classic catfish scenario, but IMO Pier 35 stinks a whole heck of a lot less.

 

Best of luck,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. Please go and get STD tested. Now.

Edited August 11, 2015 by TMichaels

[Lois_Griffin]

I am 30 years old.. I can't be focused on a 23 year old girl who lives across the country ..

So why ARE you?

 

Quite honestly, you're too old to be engaging in this silly childish nonsense.

 

You're acing like a floor mat for some girl whose clearly only looking to benefit herself. Haven't you ever heard the expression, 'what happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas?' She probably lied about her situation at home. Golly, what a shocker.

 

She was having fun with you and enjoys toying with you because you're like a needy little stray dog desperate for a pat on the head. Sounds as though she's grown bored with you now and doesn't want the responsibility of entertaining you if you come to New York - thus, the sudden need for 'space.'

 

It's one thing for her to enjoy the ego strokes when you're constantly giving her compliments and attention and swooning all over her. It's quite another for her to have to deal with it for a weekend, up close and personal.

 

You're wasting your time.

[Morro72]

There are several good translators available on the web. If you run "I think I need some space" through any of them and translate it into English, you get:

I've found someone else. We're done.

[cerridwen]

OP,

 

I don't think her wanting space is ONLY an excuse to avoid you visiting.

Your neediness is absolutely palpable.

 

If you haven't already resisted the urge to send that picture of outer space, please do so.

It's screams of pitifulness, an excuse to make contact.

 

There is a boatload of good advice here regarding your current situation.

For future situations, I encourage you to please evaluate how you communicate in the early days; the frequency and tone of your messages.

It's too much.

[LBmack]

Alright, first of all, I appreciate all advice and opinions, but some of you are blatantly malicious. . I will respond to some of the last few reples as much of this as warranted. Before I give the update on our conversation today. I hope some of the more positive folk will chime in again

 

 

1) , I also knew that she had red flags all over her when I started, but I DIDN’T CARE.. I wanted to feel something, at first it was sexual but I wanted to fall in love with her.. . I tried to fight it but my heart was out of my own control for her. I know who she is, I have seen her ID, we have exchanged gifts and letters, I helped her with a linkedin profile. I have seen her exchanging video messages with her dad. We have talked all about our families.

 

2) She told me about her “live in ex-bf roommate” when we met, from the jump. I later found out that it was indeed her husband. She downplayed it of course when it came up. I always suspected there was more. I did have a LOT of trust issues in the beginning, and then I decided to try to trust her.

 

3) When we met in vegas, she would not let me buy her a single drink or spend money on her. I bought the first flight for her trip.. we spilt everything for meals and adventure costs. The second time she came, she bought the ticket, which was much more expensive. Close to 700$ , again we spilt most everything and argured over the tab multiple times. She is not using me for money.. and yes her ex has plenty of it and pays her bills. That’s one reason its harder for her to leave with her job, and apparent tied in with him. She needs a new job and a new apartment. Its expensive to live in the heart of NYC

 

4) Yes we talked about being exclusive, and jealousy she told me at first she wanted me to date around so “I would be sure I wanted to be with her when she was done with her situation” and I said the same because I wanted her to be sure as well since she is so young and just got out of a relationship.

 

5) I know our connection is/was real. Unless she is a award winning actress and can cry on command at the airport or when sharing intimate parts of their live story.. My close friend had a good point in the beginning when I was not trusting anything she said….”If she wanted to manipulate and lie to men and play with their emotions and use them for sex, she could find plenty handsome and wealthy of men over there, she wouldn’t have to fly across the country to do it! Obviously she is in to me.. or at least she was big time. I know I can get her back IF I really want too.. If not.. **** it then it wasn’t meant to be.. it was still fun.

 

6) Yes she is young, but in many ways more mature than me to be honest, she inspires me to work harder, study more, even on weekends, and push myself to learn another language and achieve my goals. I told her a motivational book that changed my life, she read it twice in short time.. I was impressed.

 

(to the haters) I am not a PLAYER I used to be but I have changed.. I have dated a few women and she def seems really mature for her age. MOVED HERE at 19.. against the wishes of her parents to chase her dream.. Have you done that? I sure havent’ save your snap judgements and stop projecting your own issues .

 

--UPDATE==---- The call today----------------

 

she messaged me this morning for me to call her before work.. (we usually talk for 30-60 minutes while I get ready for work and its fun I make her laugh the whole time usually)

 

I should have listened more first.. .. but initially she was backing out of telling me what was wrong, she said "I don't really have anything to say, i just wanted to call you because i wouldn't like it if I was on the other end and you did this to me and kept me wondering" but then later admitted she wanted to say something but she "lost it" all when I started talking, after what I said.. after a few awkward minutes and her backing out.. I said "what I wanted" ....

 

I asked her what was going on, and she hesitated and said “nothing really just stressed” I forget honestly

 

I said again that no matter what's going on she could tell me and I'll be fine, I'm a big boy and I've basically made my peace with anything that she could say. I told her that I suspected something happened like she met someone else or she was going to give her ex another chance. And I told her that if that's the case she can tell me and I’ll accept it. I would be disappointed but I would be fine. – I don’t recall her exact response to this or if she even denied any of it.

 

I said what I wanted.. I said why I think we BOTH could benefit from some space..and I realized I needed it to because I was too wrapped up in things and I needed to focus on myself more too.

 

. but I also reiterated that our connection is real (she agreed by saying you are not wrong about that) and that bottom line I want my friend back and I still care about her and want to continue things. I said that sometimes when you love someone or something you have to let it go and see if it comes back to you.

 

And in regards to NYC trip being on she said "yea I think so" ..(mind you last time she got jealous and upset she immediately said she wanted to end things and that I should cancel my trip. SHE DOES HAVE A HOT TEMPER..one thing I don’t like about her)

 

Toward the end of the convo.I asked jokingly it we can flirt again and said said "no she still needs some space”

 

But she didnt really say much anything about what was going on or what is wrong! She kind of acted like nothing was wrong!!!!! WTF! Its almost funny now.. like.. wow..

 

Maybe because this morning when we spoke I'm in such a different place now then when she said she needed space.. now i was more strong and confident. . Maybe it surprised her.. idk.. maybe she just needs to sit with what I said more. ".. maybe she just has **** she needs to deal with and work out on her own.. . It's not my right to know if she doesn't want to tell me. If it's important enough she will tell me .. I won't ask again what is wrong.. unless it becomes blatantly obvious then its time for me to end it and shes being a chicken**** about telling me the truth. In that case she ISNT WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS.. or shes not ready, not on my level.

I think perhaps she was pushed away by my neediness and insecurity, but now I had a stronger more confident and emotionally stable attitude about the situation when we talked so now she doesn’t know what to say. Perhaps if I continue that, show the side that initially attracted her she will come back?

 

What ever is wrong, if something happened If it's important she will tell me. I have to trust her to tell me. I think that's the mindset I need to adopt? I am a little frustrated she wouldn't tell me but at least she reinitiated contact.. that has to be a good sign.??

So now I think I just keep giving her space.. not bring up serious ****.. and ease back into fun mode by checking in within a few days .? Idk\ what do you think? I just want to ask how her day was.. I just want to make her smile. How long do I wait? Do I stop contacting and wait for her to contact me? I don’t get this **** wnomen can be so confusing.

It feels weird now, now I have nervousness about even talking to her.. its all different now.. I want her to reach out to me.. What do you think would be a good course of action?

 

Last night and moments today, I had moments of clarity .. Let me try to map out my course of action and plan right now and then I am signing off until the next development or update but I will read the advice. I do realize I have put WAY to much energy into this..

 

MY PLAN and Mindset moving forward. – Some will be much easier said that done so I MUCH APPRECAITE THE POSITIVE SUPPORT AND ADVICE

1) Let go of attachment to the outcome. Let go of expectations for her. Mentally prepare for it to be over. Love and let go..

 

2) Dust off my boots and go have some fun with my friends, meet new people. Go on dates. Be open to new people

 

3) Focus on myself, my goals, self awareness and improvement, my faith, doing positive activities, working out etc. career development, work etc.. Get back to my core mission as a man that I was on before I met her and got distracted

 

4) Don’t worry so much and do what I want. . don’t blow up her phone but if I want to check in and say hi, I will. And gauge her response

 

5) I need to get the mindset I had before, that she would have to PROVE IT TO ME.. that she wants to be with ME. If she doesn’t want to talk anymore.. and she doesn’t seem to be into me anymore, (especially if she cancels the trip) Then **** IT she isn’t on my level after all and she isn’t real like I thought she was. I think I need to just stop giving a **** period.

 

6) I need to remember that no matter what happens this was a good experience, it was fun, we have a connection, who knows what could happen in the future. Plus it boosted my hope and confidence about the type of women I can attract. the lessons from this about coming on too strong, it’s a problem for me, I can be overwhelming.

 

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I will now look to put this plan and mindset into action. Thanks for the positive advice and support.

[LBmack]

First of all, the time we spent together, was amazing.. we both ****ing loved it, some of the best times of our lives we both said..

 

and our chemestry in the bedroom?? Yes the Sex? well without going into details, i know for a FACT I pushed that button like it had never been pushed before, and got her to do things she has never done before or thought she would do. The sex is amazing and yes I would go there just for that if she told me that was all it was going to be...

 

 

ONCE WE START talking again, assuming she doesnt cancel the trip.

 

I am going to tell her, WHEN I come to visit you, we don't have to spend the whole time together. If you need to go take care of things at home I will understand. I have a couple other acquaintances who live there who I could probably adventure with if I needed to.

 

Perhaps that would take the pressure off?

[ExpatInItaly]

So if I understood correctly, she won't tell you what's wrong. But there is something she wants to tell you. She won't tell you if she's still okay with you coming for a visit.

 

Yes, I would now wait for her to contact you. She will if she really wants to. If she doesn't, you know it didn't mean much to her. There is just way too much uncertainty and far too many red flags for me to suggest actually going to NYC. I don't much get the impression she wants that. If she doesn't contact you at all, then you have your answer. I don't like that she's keeping you on tenterhooks and being uncommunicative. I would wager she likes the attention from you when it's on her terms, but that she's got other distractions too. When those distractions aren't giving her attention, she comes back to you. This is why she won't tell you what's going on, because she's not sure if she needs to cut ties with you yet. That's how it looks, from my perspective (I'm a woman too)

[cerridwen]

 

 

MY PLAN and Mindset moving forward. – Some will be much easier said that done so I MUCH APPRECAITE THE POSITIVE SUPPORT AND ADVICE

1) Let go of attachment to the outcome. Let go of expectations for her. Mentally prepare for it to be over. Love and let go..

 

2) Dust off my boots and go have some fun with my friends, meet new people. Go on dates. Be open to new people

 

3) Focus on myself, my goals, self awareness and improvement, my faith, doing positive activities, working out etc. career development, work etc.. Get back to my core mission as a man that I was on before I met her and got distracted

 

4) Don’t worry so much and do what I want. . don’t blow up her phone but if I want to check in and say hi, I will. And gauge her response

 

5) I need to get the mindset I had before, that she would have to PROVE IT TO ME.. that she wants to be with ME. If she doesn’t want to talk anymore.. and she doesn’t seem to be into me anymore, (especially if she cancels the trip) Then **** IT she isn’t on my level after all and she isn’t real like I thought she was. I think I need to just stop giving a **** period.

 

6) I need to remember that no matter what happens this was a good experience, it was fun, we have a connection, who knows what could happen in the future. Plus it boosted my hope and confidence about the type of women I can attract. the lessons from this about coming on too strong, it’s a problem for me, I can be overwhelming.

 

 

Well, this is a massive improvement!

I hope you take this all forward.

If you're successful, I have no doubt you'll gain clarity about this pretty screwed up situation.

And you'll be okay.

 

Since she was still hesitant to communicate her real reasons for breaking, tread carefully.

 

You obviously don't have the full story but I'm with the others that it's not going to be good news.

 

So, while I understand you're looking for reassurance she'll come back, I'm not sure that would be in your best interest.

 

Congratulations on finding your inner strength and putting things in perspective.

 

Update us!

[LBmack]

So if I understood correctly, she won't tell you what's wrong. But there is something she wants to tell you. She won't tell you if she's still okay with you coming for a visit.

 

Yes, I would now wait for her to contact you. She will if she really wants to. If she doesn't, you know it didn't mean much to her. There is just way too much uncertainty and far too many red flags for me to suggest actually going to NYC. I don't much get the impression she wants that. If she doesn't contact you at all, then you have your answer. I don't like that she's keeping you on tenterhooks and being uncommunicative. I would wager she likes the attention from you when it's on her terms, but that she's got other distractions too. When those distractions aren't giving her attention, she comes back to you. This is why she won't tell you what's going on, because she's not sure if she needs to cut ties with you yet. That's how it looks, from my perspective (I'm a woman too)

 

Since you have a woman's perspective, Why would a woman do this? Why would she say all these things to me and have that connection and then not want to tell me what's going on? Do you think she would really be that spineless do not want to tell me? Maybe she hasn't made up her mind yet? Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. I guess bottom line I'm going to find out in less than 3 weeks so I won't have to suffer through this bull crap much longer. It's getting pretty annoying actually I'm almost getting to the point where I'd rather just have her say it if it's over.

[LBmack]

Well, this is a massive improvement!

I hope you take this all forward.

If you're successful, I have no doubt you'll gain clarity about this pretty screwed up situation.

And you'll be okay.

 

Since she was still hesitant to communicate her real reasons for breaking, tread carefully.

 

You obviously don't have the full story but I'm with the others that it's not going to be good news.

 

So, while I understand you're looking for reassurance she'll come back, I'm not sure that would be in your best interest.

 

Congratulations on finding your inner strength and putting things in perspective.

 

Update us!

 

Thanks. I guess its easier said than done and putting it into action can be hard. It's weird now like I don't even know how I should talk to her because there's the elephant in the room. Like I want just say hey babe what's up and talk like we used to. I don't know I guess I just need to realize that if her emotions change that fast and she went from everything she said to me to losing it within a week color and she's not the kind of woman I want to be with anyway so I dodged a bullet.

 

But I still want to go to New York from my own selfish reasons if you know what I mean. And just have a fun weekend. I don't know how to address it now even if I do start communicating with her again it feels weird and kind of gives me anxiety. I'm having trouble letting go of my attachment to her because I wanted it so bad to be real like she said. You have no idea the things this woman said to me I should have known it was too good to be true because it was everything I wanted to hear. So if she can put up with me having a bad week and acting weird and being a little emotionally unstable if that's going to make her lose her feelings for me when she knows my dad just died I'm going through a tough time. if she's going to abandon me because of that and definitely don't want to be with her. But it just sucks because My heart really wants her. It just wasn't about the sex for me . Although I still want that as well , I don't know why she would lose attraction for me? How can a woman be head over heels and then totally change within a week. I don't get it, the connection as to still be there . I know it . But if it's not I'll just have to accept that God didn't want that for me.

 

I guess it breaks down to standard human doesn't get what he wants and gets upset. I just feel like there must be something I can do to figure this out . But I guess I can t control the outcome so . It's a lesson in loving and go.

 

And I'll say this with emotion.

 

Every time I let a girl take a piece of my heart , it really gets me. It's only happened a few times .. 4 perhaps .. but I let her take a slice of my heart way too fast.. and then I ****ing gave her my heart way too fast. I think that's why I am being hurt .. but you know what? I tried to fight it but I couldn't resist her.. I want her so bad. I do love her .. I do... I fell so ****ing hard and so ****ing fast for her brazilian magic.

 

I want to get her back. I'm hearing a lot of no contact but for sure she cancels New York then I know it's off. At that point I'm going to ask her to tell me the truth about what really happened. . and there will part ways.. and I can fully move on .. I can't stand this window stuff but guys its only been a week since she said she needed space maybe I should lay off more?

 

Accenture message about her asking how her day was she was already asleep we'll see if she replies in the morning I will keep everyone updated. Thanks for any more advice coming

[moys]

First of all, the time we spent together, was amazing.. we both ****ing loved it, some of the best times of our lives we both said..

 

and our chemestry in the bedroom?? Yes the Sex? well without going into details, i know for a FACT I pushed that button like it had never been pushed before, and got her to do things she has never done before or thought she would do. The sex is amazing and yes I would go there just for that if she told me that was all it was going to be...

 

 

ONCE WE START talking again, assuming she doesnt cancel the trip.

 

I am going to tell her, WHEN I come to visit you, we don't have to spend the whole time together. If you need to go take care of things at home I will understand. I have a couple other acquaintances who live there who I could probably adventure with if I needed to.

 

Perhaps that would take the pressure off?

 

I think you should just give her space like she told you and other people have told you. I think you should end this and give her all the space in the world. You should also cancel your trip because it looks very doubtful that it's going to happen. I know you feel like you stood your ground but you're really capitulating to her every whim and fancy. She's still being distant and leaving you hanging. You're still waiting for her to dangle that carrot when you should be having and honest conversation with each other about where this is going and who she has turned to instead of you (probably her husband). I know people on this board don't sound positive, it's just each time you come with new information, your situation sounds worse and worse. Don't waste time waiting for her to summon you for sex or a half-a$$ed attempt at a relationship. It's obvious she's not ready and that's not what she wants at this moment, her aloofness should be a big hint. I hope it works out for you. My best advice is to just leave her alone, someone else who is ready to be with you and who wants you will come along.