LDR was going great - Now she says "Babe I think I need some space" and no contact

[cerridwen]

.. I need to remember that I am responsible for this situation I entered into with her.. I can't be mad at her.. now I have to deal with the consequences .

 

Well, I think you can and should be mad at her too.

 

There's no need to blame her completely for what transpired but not holding her accountable is ill-advised.

 

Accepting that she was deceitful is part of moving on.

 

Seeing her as flawed and immature is part of accepting reality.

 

Stop trying to defend her--even to yourself because that puts all the onus on you--which is b.s..

 

Trust me.

When you can accept and truthfully look at all parts of this situation, you can move on and be okay.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you canceled NYC.

I hope you're able to grieve for you dad too.

His loss likely played a big part in how attached you became to this fantasy.

 

Enjoy Vegas, LB!

You're a good soul.

[StocksnBlondes]

Hey LB

 

Be gentle on yourself ...ya you let your heart really go on this one ...you hadn't had a relationship in a while (needy) and she's gorgeous ...so made it easier. Next time ...go slowly for your OWN self preservation ...because you and your heart are more important ...and if you're a believer in God ...well he comes first. Don't let anyone take away your confidence. And you're spot on re: if she's so flippant about her emotions it's not good AND...she's not wife/mom material ... Just ask your mom about that one. You sound like a great guy and deserve someone of calm character. Try a Midwestern girl. Now go to Vegas and have a great time with your friends!! Ciao

 

le blonde

[LBmack]

I'm still really sad but slowly getting better. She said she has already forgotten about me and she "doesn't think about the times we had." She's also still blaming the whole breakup on me going to vegas.

 

So cold..

 

I'm going to heal and work on myself.. I'll try to have fun in vegas tomorrow .. but I can't stop thinking about her..

 

How do I let go? I think taking off the rose colored glasses will help. She's def not wife or mom materal.

 

I'm also a Christian and I am from Minneaota..

 

So yes a Christian girl from the Midwest would be great.

 

I hope I can move on and let go soon. I can't take this pain on my heart anymore...

[okc85]

I'm still really sad but slowly getting better. She said she has already forgotten about me and she "doesn't think about the times we had." She's also still blaming the whole breakup on me going to vegas.

 

So cold..

 

I'm going to heal and work on myself.. I'll try to have fun in vegas tomorrow .. but I can't stop thinking about her..

 

How do I let go? I think taking off the rose colored glasses will help. She's def not wife or mom materal.

 

I'm also a Christian and I am from Minneaota..

 

So yes a Christian girl from the Midwest would be great.

 

I hope I can move on and let go soon. I can't take this pain on my heart anymore...

 

 

yikes. that was cold of her to say. whether she REALLY feels that way, you will never know. but it doesn't matter anymore. in time, you'll find someone new, and the rose colored glasses will be long forgotten in some dusty box in the metaphorical attic of life

[LoveIsMyReligion]

I think you lost her to be quite honest. You can say sorry and make-up but that won't erase what you guys said from her memory. Your insecurity and other negative attributes will always be remembered by her unfortunately.

 

No words will make her change her mind man, trust me on this.

[LBmack]

Well this is very long overdue; I’ve been meaning to compose an update for some time now (I’ll try to keep it short) – glad to be finally doing it. Let’s just say the last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind on all fronts for me.

I’ll start out by saying that I ended up going to NYC last minute, the relationship is not over, and I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. I am trying to manage it and not put too much energy into it, or think about her.. I am trying to get back out there and date other girls.. But it seems really futile right now; I am still all about her even though I know I can’t have her.

 

My purpose and goals here are as follows, as I don’t want this to get lost in the story about what happened over the last 3 weeks.

1) Regain control of my masculine frame, reestablish my value in the relationship – not be afraid to walk away. – Regain confidence

2) Eliminate neediness and worry – caring about her guy friends, who she is “with” or if she is seeing someone else

3) Let go of the jealousy and possessive feeling that I have for her, let go of attachment to outcomes, not have unrealistic expectations.

 

WHAT HAPPENED…

 

So after a long drawn out breakup in this LDR… I ended up going to Vegas with my friends, and had a wild time.. There was debauchery galore, bucket list items were checked off, I should have been having a blast by all accounts, but the problem, I was thinking about her the whole time..trying to forget with booze and women, but it didn’t work. I started my summer off meeting here there, in the same clubs and hotels just 4 months earlier and I was unable to really shake it from the back of my mind the whole time.

After she realized I was in vegas, she started messaging me, basically saying that she had been wanting the whole time for me to “do the right thing” and not go to vegas.. She said that she was looking for apartments, applying for ****ty jobs that she hated, and “getting ready to change her whole life” and take on all this debt, etc for me, while I was planning a trip to vegas and being inconsiderate of her feels. She did have a point.. She did express that she did not want me to go to vegas, and it was the start of our breakup.. and her needing space.. but she was not direct about it..

After my 2 nights in vegas, you can bet I was feeling pretty rotten about myself sitting in that airport.. so of course I start BLOWING her phone up with these sappy messages. Professing my undying love for her.. (YOU KNOW Me.. **** I need to break myself of this habit, but it’s a shame its wrong to express your feelings as a man!) Of course she did not reply.

 

I waited a few days.. in agony. She would once and a while make contact to see what I was doing. I tried once more to reconcile things via text and on the phone. She told me to “wake up, its over” all this **** that was really hurtful.. said that I “made my choice” and that was it. I told her it was ****ed up, that I didn’t think she really loved me or this wouldn’t be happening, told her that a relationship isn’t a “test” that you wait for someone to read your mind and do the right thing, it involves communication..etc.. Told her I loved her but I was letting go, wished her the best and “goodbye” essentially.

So I am going through hell for a couple days.. I know I have some self work to do based on how much I let this get to me. But who can blame a guy for falling in love?

Anyways she replied 2 days later “I wish you the best and want you to be happy”.. I didn’t reply.. The next day (the day of my flight) she writes me in the morning right before work , “How are you doing?” Which really pissed me off because obviously I am not doing good. You are breaking my heart you Brazilian devil women. And it took ALL my strength not to reply.. I couldn’t focus at work, because I wanted to say something so bad.. and I was just thinking about what to say.. looking at my phone.. and then she calls…

Long story short she asked me if I was coming to NYC, I said hell no.. she said she is still mad but wants to see me. I decided.. if there is one thing worth rolling the dice for, its love. So I did it. I went to NYC..

The trip was fun, it was kind of shady, we didn’t go out to any clubs because she was worried to run into her husband’s friends or ppl from work.. she took me to central park and times square, grand central station.. the tourist stuff. of course there was great sex… but the chemistry and affection between us seemed different. She wasn’t telling me she loved me, or fawning over me like she did before.. there was no real talk of our future plans. We talked a lot, but it just wasn’t the same. Before I left, I addressed it and she told me that she still loves me, but its not like before when she was crazy head over heels in love with me.. she feels different and she doesn’t know why. She said that she is still mad about vegas, and that I talk a lot but my actions say different. It hurt to hear.. I felt it in my heart and I shed tears in silence on the way back to the airport.

The next morning when I got back, she was messaging me that she missed me already and that she loved me.. we’ve been talking since.. for the last couple weeks again.. I feel so stupid because I know she has got to be leading her husband on and probably still having sex with him. I feel like she is probably seeing other guys too, but I want to believe her. I even asked her, “Why the hell would this guy let you live with him if he has no chance and you will not have sex with him?” makes no sense.. and she said because she is like a status symbol for him, and everyone thinks he is so cool for dating such a young and attractive woman, and she makes him all kinds of money with their Brazilian clients at work.. He doesn’t want to admit to his family what he did to her.. or admit that he lost her. blah blah blah..

I met one of her close Brazilian friends, she was on the phone with some guy who was tripping out while we were drinking at her place.. yelling at her asking, “is there any guys over there” tripping out all jealous on her.. I asked “my girl” why is she letting this guy talk to her like this? I come to find out, it’s a guy her friend is IN A GREENCARD marriage with.. obviously she is leading him on.. like they are together (why else would he be tripping out on her, just like my girls husband does) .. all the while this girl is talking to us about other guys she is dating..

Later after I got back from NY I pointed this out to her.. and I said, “You Brazilian girls are heartbreakers and players arnt you” and mentioned she is doing the same thing as her friend, dating other guys while being married. She got very upset, and said if I think she is like that I should not call her again, and said “ you know I am not happily married, I told you my situation right from the beginning”

 

Anyway, things are different now.. we’ve been talking but its not the same.. last weekend I didn’t message her all weekend, she was in atlantic city.. again I was thinking about her the whole time but I did not contact her or act on it.. finally on memorial day she txted me but was being a brat.. So I kind of put her in her place. I guess she was jealous and was waiting for me to contact her all weekend.. we made up and she was telling me that she loved me and acting like her old self again.. (is this what I need to do, ignore her for days to get her to appreciate and chase me? Do I have to play “games”?)

The other night she texted me, the next morning after being “out with friends” that the “more she gets to know people, the more sure she is that I am the man she wants to marry” and that “she knows she is a nice girl and a good girl because American girls are trashy” . She said this after hanging out with some of her “guy friends” from college and some other girls. I don’t know what to make of this ****.. I don’t know if she really loves me or this is all just a game.

 

Now I am back to where I was before.. getting jealous and needy again. She is hanging out with other guys.. guy friends, plus she still lives with her husband.. I don’t know what to do but I am not ready to just let go.. Do I just get back out there and meet more women, get more abundance? Focus on myself improvement? Take a break from dating?

I rotate between these two mindsets:

1) How do I get back to how it was before? Why can’t I just let it be fun again and see what happens? How do I get her to be head over heels again like she was before?

2) She shady, shes lying, she’s a player (I have no proof of this), probably not worth my time or energy anymore.. I need to let go.

 

So yea.. .Here I am! About to go in for surgery in 1 week.. Its going to be a long road..I need to get my inner game in check, and get my mind right before hand, and I can’t be tripping on this girl anymore. I need to focus on work and self improvement.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're really a glutton for punishment. We all warned you that going to NYC wasn't a good idea. And it wasn't.

 

This girl is a liar and cheat and you're being played for a fool, and you're clearly one of a few men she sees. She isn't "your" girl whatsoever.

 

The horse was beaten to death a while ago. Unless you like pain, you need to walk away.

 

She's not a quality woman at all.

[LBmack]

Hey guys. It's been a month...

 

I've reduced contact with her but I still have not blocked her yet. She reaches out from time to time to see "how I am doing".. but when I try to get flirty or intimate she goes cold.

 

 

I haven't been with anyone else or gone on any dates since I left NYC over a month ago. . I think I have a serious problem Becuase I shouldn't be so emotionally dependant on attention from a woman.

 

She called to check on me a few times after my surgery.. and I got needy again when she didn't respond to some of my messages..

 

I basically told her that her "love" she had for me that she was so sure would last forever didn't even last longer than a tube of chapstick she gave me . "I was high on pain pills and emotional after my surgery which I warned her about"

 

and she said something to the effect of "you need to understand that you can't act like this, we are not together and I am not obligated to respond to your messgaes. I am taking 6 classes and working and alreadd have enough drama in my life and you can't be asking when we are going to see eachother again."

 

 

I went no contact for a week or so after that.

 

Then one night she called me a few times at 3am.. lomg stop short.. her husband went nuts.. asking for another chance with her.. she said no and locked him out of the apartment and asked him to stay at a hotel for the night .. he came home drunk and high.. threaten to kill her.. trashed the entire apartment and ended up getting thrown in jail.. all my feelings were back in an instant.. she still isn't leaving him or acting the way she used to toward me.

 

Some times I feel good and remind myself that I'm a badass and a good person and I should be fine on my own.. but to be honest I've been a ****ing mess lately.

 

Can I be man enough to keep her as a friend and leave the door cracked open while I start to date other women ? I would like to see her again.. I feel we still have unfinishdd business.

 

Otherwise I am going to write her a letter .. for MY own benefit.. and juse get my feelings out there one last time .. enclose her half of the photo booth pics and block her on whatsapp and snapchat..

 

My heart races when she messages me ..

 

But on the bright side I have started to notice other women but .. I know it's going to be hard to get over her.

 

I feel so stuck and under her spell still. I'm sorry that it's so hard for me to take the advice.. I honestly feel powerless... I hate this feeling so much ..why is it so hard for me to let go ?

 

Some friends say to just go on a spree of other women.. but that doesn't seem healthy. I know I need to be strong on my own. But before her i have been single for two years and I'm getting tired of it .

[cherrygirl11]

i will just leave reply here to mark your threads for your future post

im almost in the same boat :'(

[SandraTempleton]

Here's the 2014 LS official No Contact (NC) Guide. I recommend you read it and implement the plan. When you start to feel like you are going to cave to talking to her, read it again. Do you really want to be stuck in this s****y place for longer than you have to be?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

The All-New 2014 Caliguy and TaraMaiden No Contact Guide!

 

 

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide version 2014 - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A. No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have.

Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... that reminds me....I need some sweet peppers and tomatoes."

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an phekk-wit is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

A question we get asked a lot, is 'what about Birthdays?'

Yeah, right. What about them?

Just another day, just another situation to completely and utterly ignore.

Do not ever send any form of Birthday wish (just another excuse to cling to them),and do not respond to anything they send you (Just more breadcrumbs rubbish).

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

 

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

Edited October 16, 2015 by SandraTempleton