LDR was going great - Now she says "Babe I think I need some space" and no contact

[ExpatInItaly]

Since you have a woman's perspective, Why would a woman do this? Why would she say all these things to me and have that connection and then not want to tell me what's going on? Do you think she would really be that spineless do not want to tell me? Maybe she hasn't made up her mind yet? Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. I guess bottom line I'm going to find out in less than 3 weeks so I won't have to suffer through this bull crap much longer. It's getting pretty annoying actually I'm almost getting to the point where I'd rather just have her say it if it's over.

 

Some women (and men) simply don't like to be alone. And yes, she might really be that spineless and not tell you the truth. An old friend of mine did this a few times in our younger years; she generally had a couple guys going at once but wasn't totally committed to either one because she wasn't totally into either one. But she liked the attention. She didn't cut either guy off because then what would happen if the other guy decided he wasn't into it anymore? She'd have been alone, which she didn't want. Was it right? Absolutely not. These guys generally got a lot more invested than she did, but they were both left in the dust when someone she really wanted came along.

 

The bottom line is that if this girl really liked you, you wouldn't be posting about this. You'd be preparing to go to NYC without any doubt that she wanted you there. She'd be jumping at the opportunity to see you again and you'd be excitedly planning together.

 

This is all a lot more trouble than it's worth, I'm afraid.

[LBmack]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the other replies. I know it's not the most positive looking situation right now.. but I can you the reason I am still in this I became I know we have REAL feelings for eachother and a real connection. . Even if she is seeing someone else.. or shes still intimate with her ex boyfriend / paper husband. I know it's shady as **** and I shouldn't have let her have my heart.. BUT SHE STOLE a big chunk of it.. trust me if I went over all the details of the time we spent together, the romantic dates, the things we shared.. you guys would understand how I feel. She's so ****ing cute and adorable. . We have tons in common.. I took her up on her first hike in the redwoods.. 12 miles, we got lost and had a picnic.. I put a hammock up in the redwoods and we laid under these 1000 year old trees .. and carved our names in a heart on the picnic table.. **** like that. . I could really feel that she loved me. She used to call me crying about things that upset her.. and she would tell me when someone was wrong she only wanted me.. I feel so hard for her...or for the idea of what I thought we could be together.. I was blinded by love.. I wanted it to be real so bad.. but trust me I had my doubts.

 

I swear I tried to fight it.. but I really did fall for her.. if her feelings really have changed or she met someone.. I am going to have to trust her to tell me.. I know if I give up on her without a fight I'll regret it. At least this way I will know I did everything I could.

 

Plus I still want to visit new York for the first time and have all the wild passion if only for a few days..

 

------update -----☆☆☆☆☆ we talked today. .

 

So last night I messaged her.. " heyy. How was your day over there " she went to bed early and replied in the am.. I saw my phone blinking with the light from the app we only chat on so I got excited. .I was happy to hear from "my girl" ..

 

She said "it's going ok. how are you " I said .. "this week gas been really good. Exciting things happening at work"

 

She took a while to reply and then asked "what happened " so I called her about 30 minutes later and we talked on my way to work. .

 

She sounded happy and like she normally does.. I was making her laugh.. but not trYing hard. . I couldn't help but smile while we were talking.. I missed her but I didn't say it.. I guess it's only been a week of us not taking. .

 

Anyway she told me "something funny happened this morning.. I got a message that made me laugh but idk if I should tell you"

 

I said "well you have to tell me I've been curious enough the last few days about you" SHE SAID "well its not about what happened or what is going on with me"

 

SO AGAIN, there is something going on but she still isn't telling me. Again.. I am going to assume that of and when it's important enough she will tell me. I'm not going to worry or try to pry it out of her. I'm just going to get back to being stable , confident masculine and attractive by focusing on myself and TRY not to worry about this ****.

 

She told me this awkward story about how her stepbrother..who is married.. and she has known since she was little.. started messaging her out of the blue. . Saying he has been in love with her for 10 years and would leave his wife and leave brazil for her aND never look back. Blah blah blah . And she said it was making her feel really awkward and she had a good laugh about it.. We both did.. BUT SHE SAID THAT ISN'T WHAT IS "going on" she still won't tell me..

 

She asked about my dog and told me to send her some videos of him talking and doing his tricks ... so I'll do that later today after work ..

 

I said "babe before i go i want to tell you something about the NYC trip.. I realize you may be feeling some pressure with me coming.. and I understand. . I think I said this before but we don't have to spend the whole time together. If you need to go home and take care of things I totally understand and I am sure I can find something to do" she said "ok" a few times and sounded a little relived or assured..

 

Then I told her "I'm really looking forward to spending a couple days together" and at first she just said "ok.." with an awkward pause.. and then she said "me too" sounded genuine but I couldn't tell.

 

ANYWAY she called me babe on the phone a few times.. and I think she may have said "I love you" before I got off the phone but I couldn't tell so I just said.." have a good day, bye"

 

So things are seeming to slowly get back to normal.. so what do I do now? Remain stable? Can I ask her "how did my baby girls day treat her?" It's weird just saying , oh hi.. how are you" I'm an affectionate person but I don't want to be too strong.. maybe wait for her to be more affectionate?

 

I want her to come back to where she was 2 weeks ago.. when she was telling me how much she misses me and loves me.. I know I can't control it but how can I encourage and reward that behavior?

 

I guess the good part is.. I only have to wait anothe week or maybe a little more to know for sure.. if she cancels the trip.. it's off for sure. I'll end things myself ... and ask her why the sudden change. If it's going to end.. I just want her to be an adult and tell me what happened or why her feelings changed so fast.. and let me go so I can let her go and move on.. it sucks because I do love her and I think about her often.. too much as you guys can tell.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, don't message her calling her your "baby girl." She has made it clear that something is up and she wants space from you. Bulldozing over that will irritate her and make her feel awkward because she isn't returning the sentiment right now.

 

Her response to you tell her that you're coming to NYC wasn't so great.

 

It really just sounds like more of the same. She won't tell you what's going on with her, which is silly. She's playing games with you now. Do you really want a girl like that? Instead of communicating, she plays coy. It's disrespectful to you.

[LBmack]

Yeah guys I definitely realize that. Sick of these games I'm so sick of it actually it's getting really annoying. As you can tell I've been losing sleep over it and she's proving that she doesn't care like she said she did. I think I'm going to hold my frame and be strong and not contact her all weekend and just go have fun. If things don't get back to normal by next week., I'll contact you before work and just be upfront and ask her if she's trying to lose me because I let her know that she is.?

 

I don't think I can be strong enough to just keep pretending that this doesn't bother me. I'm not stupid and I know something's wrong, and it's just killing me that she won't talk to me like she used to.

 

I guess I just have to do like everyone says and give her space and be my own man and if she wants to come back she will. I just wish I could figure out what went wrong so I could fix it. I really want to be with her and she totally did make me fall in love with her.

 

We used to talk every night and every morning and now this? Last night I was losing sleep because I knew she was online until really late, like 3 a.m. her time. She probably went to the club. In this morning I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour and lost an hour of sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it.

 

I'm getting to the point where I'm just so sick of this waiting I would rather have you just tell me its over to go through another week of this bull crap.

 

I think next time we talk I'm just going to ask her about the trip and what neighborhood I should get a hotel in, because she knows I got a really expensive hotel and I want to get something on Airbnb. If she still acting shady I'm just going to call her out and say, "my babe doesn't seem excited to spend the weekend with me .." she what she says .. then say " I know something's going on. I thought we were on a different level than this and we didn't play games with eachother. You can trust me , whatever is up its ok, you can tell me and we can work through it.. or if you want out we can end it now because t ly are losing me with these games."

 

But that's all serious talk.. all my friends are saying just to be fun and act like it doesn't bother me to wait for her to tell me.

 

 

But I don't know if I am strong enough.. I'm not a "player"

 

I actually have a really big heart and I really care. These things are really getting to me.

 

Guys I just wish there was something I could do to get her back to the state where she was when she loved me. One more thing to consider is that her living situation is so stressful she's dependent on this guy for her job, for money, or her shelter, for her visa, maybe she's just really so stressed out with that. But then again all of that existed before and that didn't stop her from chatting with me until 3 in the morning and wanting to masturbate on the phone, and it didn't stop her from telling me goodnight and good morning every morning. I just really want to know what changed and how it could change so fast guys. I'm just totally confused and heart sick, I feel like I'm losing something that could have been really special it makes me really sad. I don't want to be lonely and I don't want you lose something I thought that I had was so great.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this isn't something that you can fix, I don't think. It seems whatever problems she has are beyond your control. The worst part of relationships is that we simply cannot make a person have feelings.

 

If she is so dependent on her husband for her future, I have a strong suspicion she doesn't want to bring you around and have him find out she's been seeing someone else. The risk is too great. If he decides to kick her out and divorce her, she's in big trouble. Immigration authorities are going to be all over it if they suspect it was a marriage of convenience, and it will jeopardize her ability to remain in the country.

 

I personally would stay away. She is married. She lives with her husband. On the other side of the country. What type of relationship could you possibly have? It has big mess written all over it. and you're already hurting. I think reality hit her and she's realizing she can't pretend her marriage doesn't exist or that she doesn't currently live and work with her husband. She can't live in two separate worlds.

[cerridwen]

 

...I just really want to know what changed and how it could change so fast guys. I'm just totally confused and heart sick, I feel like I'm losing something that could have been really special it makes me really sad. I don't want to be lonely and I don't want you lose something I thought that I had was so great.

 

 

(Give me strength...)

 

LB!

I'm grabbing you by the shirt collar and shaking you! (gently)

 

Come sit down with me.

Calm down, buddy!

 

You were doing really well for that day--or half day--or whatever it was.

Now, you're back to sounding all over the place!

 

Listen.

You got to break out of this.

You got to stop trying to do the impossible and a) control someone else's actions and b) time travel.

Stop trying to go into the past and recreate it!

It's a different ballgame!

Deal with what is NOW.

Vegas and all the love in the sun is over, LB!

Time to sort this out.

 

First, stop putting this woman on a pedestal.

There are brief flashes of perspective where you recognize this is really messed up,

then almost instantly, you're singing her praises like she's the second coming!

Stop it!

Stop allowing your imagination to run roughshod over the reality of the situation that's staring you in the puss.

She. Got. Involved. With. You. And. Shouldn't. Have.

I know it's going to be a stretch but you need to start accepting that this chick is terribly flawed.

 

Second, here is what I think happened.

Others have mentioned this in the thread and I wholeheartedly agree.

 

She went away and played at being single and free.

She got caught up in the fantasy...

the wonderful feelings between you...

pushed the reality of her marriage and unavailability out of her head...

felt and said a bunch of romantic things that she SINCERELY FELT IN THE MOMENT

but now you're coming to town and she can't keep pretending.

 

She can't keep pretending she's truly single.

She can't risk you running into people she knows.

She can't have her worlds collide.

 

She messed up.

 

You have responsibility too (for sticking your head in the sand) but SHE MESSED UP.

You did not cause her to lose feelings,

(though you got to lay off the smothering thing) reality did.

[LBmack]

Hey man.

 

 

Thanks I needed that. Yes I have to lay off the smothering .. and YES.. I LET MYSELF FALL FOR AN UNAVAILABLE WOMAN. What the fffffk did I expect to happen? This was never going to be gum drops and fairy tails.. cupcakes and rainbows..

 

I think my main problem isn't this women.

 

It's fear of being alone, it's loneliness that I currently have

. It's the fear that I'm not good enough to have a woman like her in my life for real.. it's the fear that I can't do better..

 

 

Also it's my selfish nature.. she said she needs space.. but I'm more like "I need XYZ, I need that Brazilian butt bouncing in my face (pardone for being crude ) I want her validating me..

 

 

I think the real problem here is within me.. I shouldn't be letting this girl phase me.. weather she meant it or not (I know she meant it) it doesn't change reality..

 

 

We will probably never be together... all the future plans we made

. The wishes we made to be together.. it's a dream.. a fantasy. ..

 

I can't help but think a little bit deep down.. that it could come true..

 

But she's not treating me with respect right now. . She's not honoring me or my feelings by playing games.

 

We promised eachother from the start.. no games and honesty..

 

I'm not ready to give up yet.. but I'm close to calling her on her bull****..

 

Maybe she needs to be put in her place. .

 

Maybe I need to demonstrate a willingness to wall away?

 

 

How can I do this to encourage her to come back?

 

She's been texting back now.. reluctantly.

 

 

She has not initiated yet.. but I asked her "hey what are you up too"

 

She said "I'm at a wedding, you"

 

I made an inside joke.. from when we were together. . Told her I'm going to a concert and then out with friends in oakland ..

 

An hour later she writes "I hope you are having fun"

 

 

I'm going to not respond..

 

Maybe tomorrow ..

 

I would like to send her a proactive picture of myself.. (she Diggs the abs.. sorry to be a duche) but I want to reignite the sexuality...

 

I'm supposed to go to NYC in less than two weeks..

She needs to **** or get of the fkin pot!

[ExpatInItaly]

You'll never encourage it come back if you continue to be in her face. Stop texting her. Don't send any more "hey, how are?" texts, don't send pictures of yourself. She knows what you're doing, and it's clearly not working. You yourself said she's not initiating. That's a big clue. What you also need to remember is that this is someone else's wife. She wasn't your girl to begin with. You've said before that you want to appear strong and confident and not needy. Everything you're doing now is sending exactly the opposite message, and it will start to appear desperate if it hasn't already. You simply cannot reignite the sexuality (as you say) if we don't want it. I don't mean to be rude; I'm trying to give you a woman's angle on this.

 

The truth is that you don't need her. You want her. There's a difference. It isn't her responsibility to validate you, as you put it. That's on you. You're enabling her to play these games by continuing to engage with her and giving her all the power to make decisions. You don't need her permission to visit NYC. Go ahead and book your accommodations and plan a weekend for yourself. Enjoy the sites. Live it up. If you feel you can't do that without her, consider the trip off. Use that money and take yourself somewhere else that you'd like to see. There's no sense waiting around and hoping she'll make up her mind. Take some of your own power back and start making decisions on your own.

Edited August 15, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[LBmack]

Yes it's true...

 

 

I am going to wait it out and then just call her out on Monday or Tuesday when we talk .

 

I'm going to say "you have been really distant lately . It's making me feel uncomfortable that you are not communicating with me and seem to have had a sudden. Change feelings.

 

I've told you how I feel about you, you know how I feel and it hasn't changed.

 

If you arnt feeling me anymore or you don't really want me to spend the weekend with you in new york, please tell me now and let's just get this over with"

 

What do you think?

[okc85]

Yes it's true...

 

 

I am going to wait it out and then just call her out on Monday or Tuesday when we talk .

 

I'm going to say "you have been really distant lately . It's making me feel uncomfortable that you are not communicating with me and seem to have had a sudden. Change feelings.

 

I've told you how I feel about you, you know how I feel and it hasn't changed.

 

If you arnt feeling me anymore or you don't really want me to spend the weekend with you in new york, please tell me now and let's just get this over with"

 

What do you think?

 

If you need closure, then send her that message. I'm sorry to say, but I think this r/s is over. I think you know that, too..

[LBmack]

I do feel that. . Nina just having a really hard time accepting it and understanding why... how she could change so fast .. I do want closure.. I feel like I need closure so I can let go of her and stop thinking about her..

 

I fell for her.. I've been thinking about her every day since this **** started ... I can't plat this game anymore.. I either want to find out what's going on and work through it.. or she needs to let me go so I can move on..

 

 

Do you guys think that is a good message to send ?

 

Can you please help me with the best way to approach this?

[justwhoiam]

Everyone already told you what you should do, you just won't listen. You say thanks, and then just go on doing whatever you feel best.

 

If you want to give it a try, just pause communication with this girl in any way and manner.

 

Six days went by, and things got worse, not better. If you still have time to yourself and feel like it, go back to my post and answer/comment on every point in detail. When you start getting defensive, justifying her behavior or even yourself, skip your self-defence and move to the next point.

You will be able to see more clearly through all of this, and we might do too.

 

Then, I will come back and - having a clearer picture - I'll tell you what I think.

 

If that's not gonna happen, here's my quick tips:

FOR THE FUTURE

Don't intruduce a girl into your world, before you've entered hers and you like it, that also means you won't introduce her to your own family after a few weeks (even if sex is just amazing and you get blinded by her charm). More so if she's taken, by her own admission, no matter how often she says that she's in the process of leaving.

TO COPE

Watch movies like in a movie marathon, but pick good ones, maybe classics, or those you've never seen before. As an alternative, take on some new activity for yourself, like cooking classes or something, where there'll be other people around, you'll be distracted and with potential of getting to know new people/make new friends.

[TMichaels]

I do feel that. . Nina just having a really hard time accepting it and understanding why... how she could change so fast ..

 

How? The woman is married. She's not available. She had a fling. The reality of the situation is she can't carry on with you as it will jeopardize *her real life* which she can't or doesn't want to give up.

 

She knows this -- you choose to ignore it. All you can think about is what YOU think, how YOU feel, and what YOU want. By your own admission (and your behavior here), you don't listen. You only want to see things YOUR way and through an enormous pair of rose-colored glasses. How's that working for you?

 

I do want closure.. I feel like I need closure so I can let go of her and stop thinking about her..

 

You want closure? Shut the door. In a nutshell LBmack, it's time to grow up and cope with the way things are and not the way you'd like them to be.

 

I fell for her.. I've been thinking about her every day since this **** started ... I can't plat this game anymore.. I either want to find out what's going on and work through it.. or she needs to let me go so I can move on..

 

No, YOU Need to take control of your own life. If this woman's in your head and mind 24/7 it's because you allow her to be.

 

You need to start thinking with the head that's on your shoulders and not the one between your legs. If you'd done that in the first place you wouldn't be where you're at right now.

 

Do you guys think that is a good message to send ?

 

No.

 

Can you please help me with the best way to approach this?

 

Hitch up your big boy britches and get some self-respect.

 

This woman had no business playing around. You had no business playing around with her when you knew she wasn't available. The party's over.

 

Deal with it. Learn from it. Move on.

 

If you can't do it by yourself, then get some professional help. You clearly have self-concept/self-esteem issues. Your incessant need for others to validate your worth isn't healthy.

 

Perhaps your issues were triggered by your father's recent death. Maybe you've always been this way, but things aren't going to change UNTIL YOU DO. There's no shame in recognizing you need and seeking help. Get it, get healthy, and go on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited August 16, 2015 by TMichaels

[LBmack]

Thank for the comments.

 

Really do you have some unresolved issues with self concept and self esteem. It's true I do have rose colored glasses on, and I'm in love with the idea of what I thought she could be. What I thought her and I could be together. But the truth is her integrity doesn't seem very high, she's not a spiritual person with a lot of morals which is what I'm looking for.

 

Bottom line if me having a bad week and freaking her out a little bit with a lot of text messages and being emotional is enough to break our bond, then she isn't the type of woman that I want in my life. Also really I need to recognize that I deserve better, no matter how beautiful she is or how great the sex is, it's what's in the heart and mind that really counts. Right now she's proven yourself to be immature bye not communicating with me directly and leaving me hanging on.

 

This morning I messaged her " I've been waiting patiently for my girl to come back to me. I'm concerned about you because we've been so distant .. are you okay?"

 

She replied, " yes I know, everything's fine"

 

I said " well that's good to hear because I was starting to wonder. You know I'm not about the games and I'm not going to pretend I don't miss you. I want to give you your space, at the same time I don't want to keep hanging on if you're not feeling me anymore or things have change for some reason. Are you saying everything's fine with us?"

 

She said

 

"We will talk tomorrow before you go in to work "

 

 

So.. all signs point too.. it being over..

 

I want to tell her, "I dont know whats going on with us.. but want you to know, I feel like a lot of this distance between us was brought on by the argument we had while I was having a bad week with my shoulder going out, having to go to the doctor, being stressed out at work, dealing with emotions around my dad..etc It came out by me acting weird and overwhelming you with messages.. I can totally understand that freaking you out and pushing you away a little.

 

But, If that's all it takes to break our bond.. then I guess we weren't on the same level I thought we were and your feelings for me were not as nearly strong as you said. I don't want to give my heart to someone whos love and feelings for me could vanish in the blink of an eye. everyone has their hard times in life and you know I am working through mine with my dads passing and this injury/surgery. I know I will come out of it all stronger than ever.

 

you should know I'm fine now, I am the man you fell for and gave a piece of your heart too. the times we had were great, our feelings for eachother and our connection is real. I don't want to end things or give up on us..my feelings for you remain strong. that being said.. if you don't want this anymore for whatever reaoson.. I am prepared to let go __her name here__."

 

I just want to give her something to think about before we have "the talk tomorrow " what do you think?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank for the comments.

 

Really do you have some unresolved issues with self concept and self esteem. It's true I do have rose colored glasses on, and I'm in love with the idea of what I thought she could be. What I thought her and I could be together. But the truth is her integrity doesn't seem very high, she's not a spiritual person with a lot of morals which is what I'm looking for.

 

Bottom line if me having a bad week and freaking her out a little bit with a lot of text messages and being emotional is enough to break our bond, then she isn't the type of woman that I want in my life. Also really I need to recognize that I deserve better, no matter how beautiful she is or how great the sex is, it's what's in the heart and mind that really counts. Right now she's proven yourself to be immature bye not communicating with me directly and leaving me hanging on.

 

This morning I messaged her " I've been waiting patiently for my girl to come back to me. I'm concerned about you because we've been so distant .. are you okay?"

 

She replied, " yes I know, everything's fine"

 

I said " well that's good to hear because I was starting to wonder. You know I'm not about the games and I'm not going to pretend I don't miss you. I want to give you your space, at the same time I don't want to keep hanging on if you're not feeling me anymore or things have change for some reason. Are you saying everything's fine with us?"

 

She said

 

"We will talk tomorrow before you go in to work "

 

 

So.. all signs point too.. it being over..

 

I want to tell her, "I dont know whats going on with us.. but want you to know, I feel like a lot of this distance between us was brought on by the argument we had while I was having a bad week with my shoulder going out, having to go to the doctor, being stressed out at work, dealing with emotions around my dad..etc It came out by me acting weird and overwhelming you with messages.. I can totally understand that freaking you out and pushing you away a little.

 

But, If that's all it takes to break our bond.. then I guess we weren't on the same level I thought we were and your feelings for me were not as nearly strong as you said. I don't want to give my heart to someone whos love and feelings for me could vanish in the blink of an eye. everyone has their hard times in life and you know I am working through mine with my dads passing and this injury/surgery. I know I will come out of it all stronger than ever.

 

you should know I'm fine now, I am the man you fell for and gave a piece of your heart too. the times we had were great, our feelings for eachother and our connection is real. I don't want to end things or give up on us..my feelings for you remain strong. that being said.. if you don't want this anymore for whatever reaoson.. I am prepared to let go __her name here__."

 

I just want to give her something to think about before we have "the talk tomorrow " what do you think?

 

Don't say this. Let her talk. You need to stop assuming this all because of something you said or did. She is the one who needs to explain what is going on. It's not because you had a bad week or a bad shoulder or any of that. You don't need to convince her that you're a good man. She needs to finally be honest and tell you what is happening. You need to let go of the idea that her feelings and recent behaviour are something that is under your control, and thus that you can fix this.

 

So don't say anything. Give her a completely open floor. Finally give her the space to say what she needs to say and quit assuming that you know what caused her to ask for space. Let her speak for herself.

[cerridwen]

 

 

I said " well that's good to hear because I was starting to wonder. You know I'm not about the games and I'm not going to pretend I don't miss you. I want to give you your space, at the same time I don't want to keep hanging on if you're not feeling me anymore or things have change for some reason. Are you saying everything's fine with us?"

 

She said

 

"We will talk tomorrow before you go in to work "

 

And did she do the big reveal?

Did she finally tell you what her issue is?

 

 

I just want to give her something to think about before we have "the talk tomorrow " what do you think?

 

I agree with Expat.

Just.........yeah. Just don't.

[LBmack]

Welp... that's that. . I'll tell you about it later.. basically she said .. for one my insecurities made her question things.. as well as the me going vegas thing.. she didn't trust me to go there and thought "I should have known better than to go to Vegas when she was making all these plans and life changes for me" but mainly she said she is going to stay living with her ex / paper husband and "get that he owes her" financially.she needs the job and him paying for rent..she feels trapped and that she cant make it on her own or get a better job without him..

 

she said she loves me and if she could be in a relationship right now it would be me.. but she needs to put school first .. sounds like NYC trip was still on but then when she found out I was still going to vegas she flipped out.. and now she said she doesn't want to see me if I'm going to vegas the weekend before.. she still cares a lot about me it seems like anyway. . Great person. Bad timing .. I learned from this.. also I will never let myself fall for an unavailable woman again. I also need to work on my trust issues and self worth and self concept issues. I know I deserve better...

 

I am hurting.. I still love her.. but.. I went into this knowing full well it could and probably would turn out this way....

 

Any advice on moving forward?

 

I plan to send a postcard.. with some memories from our trip.. and then reach out toward the end of the week before I go to Vegas. .

 

I still want to go to NYC and be with her for a few days.. mostly for sex.. but also for the connection we have when we are together. . I know it's stupid because it's a fantasy...

 

I guess I am having a hard time letting go of it .

 

Thanks for all the advice guys. .. I appreciate this community .. Thanks for being there with me through

To clarify.. she said she is going to stay wit him because he pays for everything and watches the dogs.. also she needs the job he gives her.. and she doesn't have to take out school loans or work full time. She is now planning to stay wit him 3 more years until she gets her masters degree... she wants to go to Columbia University and she said she can't get the grades she needs with working full time so she needs to say with him for the financial stability..

 

She says she has a peacefull life with him and all she Has to do it ignore him and that's her only stress.. she can't be in a relationship right now. . Bottom line..

 

 

**** guys.. I'm hurting a bit..

 

I really want to be in her life.. I really want to stay friends and leave the door open.

 

I dont want to forget about her and I don't want her to forget about me ...

 

I still want to go to NYC..

 

Also I want to tell her.. "I hope your feelings for me did not change this fast after I had That bad week of being insecure and emotional. If your feelings for me could dissappear so fast I feel like by you telling me all those things and letting me believe them was playing games with my heart. If that's the case, I feel betrayed.."

 

I just am having a hard time accepting it was just a fling.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it's really time to let go.

 

Of course she can't be in a relationship right now - she's already in one. With her husband.

 

This is not about your insecurities at all. She is using your Las Vegas trip as an excuse to further cut this off. But this is not about Vegas, either. This is all about her being married. This is about her playing games and having a fun time with you but that wasn't reality.

 

Don't send her a postcard. Don't go to NYC. What's the point? She's not going to see you anyway.

 

Don't say anything else about why her feelings changed. It's not about that. She realized she can't have her cake and eat it too. You're essentially The Other Man. You're not her priority. The sooner you begin to accept that, the sooner you can move on.

 

It hurts, but take it as a lesson - never get involved with someone who is married. Never. She played a very risky game and the stakes are too high for her. You're the unfortunate participant. Next time a woman tells you she is married, run. Run like your butt is on fire.

[Lois_Griffin]

Any advice on moving forward?

 

Yeah. Don't cancel your Vegas trip thinking it will make a difference. She's using it as an excuse to keep you away from New York.

 

Repeat - don't cancel Vegas.

 

I still want to go to NYC and be with her for a few days.. mostly for sex..

That's so pitiful I can't even grace it with a damned answer.

If your feelings for me could dissappear so fast I feel like by you telling me all those things and letting me believe them was playing games with my heart. If that's the case, I feel betrayed.."

Sigh. That's what she's been doing since Day #1. She's obviously less than thrilled with her situation so she was looking for a few thrills and excitement. She liked having you adore her and chase her like a stray dog, begging for scraps. She encouraged you because she knew you were weak and would continue putting her on a pedestal and doing whatever she wanted.

 

Until it came close to NYC time. Then the excuses and fading away got ramped up big time in order to keep you away.

 

Jesus. This ISN'T rocket science.

 

Was this the first woman you've ever had sex with? You sound like the typical young kid who falls in love with the first piece of ass he gets. If that's the case, then all this silly childish drama will make more sense.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[cerridwen]

 

Any advice on moving forward?

 

Yes, I have advice about moving forward.

Don't do this :

 

"I plan to send a postcard.. with some memories from our trip.. and then reach out toward the end of the week before I go to Vegas. .

 

I still want to go to NYC and be with her for a few days..."

 

This is a perfect plan for continuing to hurt yourself.

Perfect.

 

 

To clarify.. she said she is going to stay wit him because he pays for everything and watches the dogs.. also she needs the job he gives her.. and she doesn't have to take out school loans or work full time. She is now planning to stay wit him 3 more years until she gets her masters degree... she wants to go to Columbia University and she said she can't get the grades she needs with working full time so she needs to say with him for the financial stability..

 

She says she has a peacefull life with him and all she Has to do it ignore him and that's her only stress.. she can't be in a relationship right now. . Bottom line...

 

What a complete jerk.

Sorry.

 

Also I want to tell her.. "I hope your feelings for me did not change this fast after I had That bad week of being insecure and emotional. If your feelings for me could dissappear so fast I feel like by you telling me all those things and letting me believe them was playing games with my heart. If that's the case, I feel betrayed.."

 

This would be pointless, LB.

You are in deep denial.

 

For the rest of it, see Lois' post above.

[Diezel]

It's over dude.

 

She found someone closer to her.

You should do the same.

 

Block, delete, and move on with your life.

[LBmack]

Luckily I don't feed my vengeful side or I would send a homemade pornography to her husband..

 

 

I feel so stupid and played for a fool. I can't believe I bought the **** she was selling and let her have my heart.

 

I told her that I still loved her ... and she still has my heart and that I still want to see her in NYC and spend my last vacation of the summer with her.

 

I'm going to think about it for another day or two.. and then tell her how I really feel...

 

I don't know why its so hard for me to let go.. I don't have a hard time meeting women.. I fell so damn hard for her. I'm really hurting .. I feel so used..

 

But I have to take responsibility for doing this to myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Luckily I don't feed my vengeful side or I would send a homemade pornography to her husband..

 

 

I feel so stupid and played for a fool. I can't believe I bought the **** she was selling and let her have my heart.

 

I told her that I still loved her ... and she still has my heart and that I still want to see her in NYC and spend my last vacation of the summer with her.

 

I'm going to think about it for another day or two.. and then tell her how I really feel...

 

I don't know why its so hard for me to let go.. I don't have a hard time meeting women.. I fell so damn hard for her. I'm really hurting .. I feel so used..

 

But I have to take responsibility for doing this to myself.

 

What do you plan to say that she doesn't already know?

 

I personally don't think anything more needs to be said. She told you her situation. She's not leaving her husband. For your own well-being, it's going to be best for you to cut contact with her.

[Jessie1231]

Luckily I don't feed my vengeful side or I would send a homemade pornography to her husband..

 

 

I feel so stupid and played for a fool. I can't believe I bought the **** she was selling and let her have my heart.

 

I told her that I still loved her ... and she still has my heart and that I still want to see her in NYC and spend my last vacation of the summer with her.

 

I'm going to think about it for another day or two.. and then tell her how I really feel...

 

I don't know why its so hard for me to let go.. I don't have a hard time meeting women.. I fell so damn hard for her. I'm really hurting .. I feel so used..

 

But I have to take responsibility for doing this to myself.

 

I have been following this thread and have cringed every time you've posted and said "I'm thinking about saying this..." Because you keep posting new things you're going to say, and everyone tells you not to say anything, but then you say it anyway to her. You keep contacting her saying the same thing worded a little differently hoping for a better reaction. It's not happening. Every time you contact her, I'm more embarrassed for you. Just let go now and I promise you will be thankful that you did soon enough.

[LBmack]

Right guys. ..

 

I've gotten closure.. some vindication and I'm starting to come to terms.. it was a bad situation from the jump.. what we felt was real.. but not strong enough to overcome the circumstances.

 

It ****ing hurts but I have to let go. I am going to cancel the NYC trip.. it wouldn't be fun.. it would only feed my feelings and make it harder to let go..

 

I am going to have fun in vegas and Try to forget about her..

 

I am ****ing sad but I know I am not ready for a relationship either. . It was so fun while it lasted and I learned from it.. but this part ****ing sucks .. I need to remember that I am responsible for this situation I entered into with her.. I can't be mad at her.. now I have to deal with the consequences .