Trying to recover from betrayal

[tmae1212]

Hello all,

 

My first post as I am struggling and need some input. I met a guy in January, we fell hard and fast. We dated and saw each other often, had great and a lot of communication(texting, seeing each other) through April, where we hit a 'wall' when he began traveling for work for his consulting job, resulting in great stress and him pulling away. We spent a week not speaking due to a phone glitch(his phone broke and remained in poor communication for a couple of weeks). We stil spoke nightly on the phone, and saw each other on weekends. We are both divorced about 2 years, and both have children, so some of our dating schedule worked around our families.

 

Until that first snafu in our relationship, we were very compatible, happy, sexy, fun, really enjoyed each other. He told me I was the "one" and I was hesitant to believe him, given my history of x spouse cheating and subsequent divorce after almost 27 years, five kids and yet there was/is something very *special* about our connection. I definitely felt I could see myself with him long-term, or even forever, and he readily said as much to me.

 

In May, more of the same-I felt him pulling away, couldn't put a finger on it other than work stress and travel. End of May, on a Sunday evening when we were to see each other, he hemhawed over the phone about seeing me(he traveled Monday-Thursday) so I point blank said, "If you are not interested in this relationship, or me, just say so, and I will accept it and let you go/move on", more or less. We had a discussion, he was agitated and upset, proclaiming that he DID love me, and then he went NC. After a reach out text, one phone call(left a message) and one email a week later, I assumed we were "done". Another ten days go by and my neighbor approaches me, telling me that my X is now dating his x-wife. I was shocked and crushed as I assumed that we'd speak again and maybe even reconcile.

 

I began dating later that week online and had a flurry of dating activity. I did not enjoy it but was trying to 'move on' and to make the best of it even though I thought of my BF on those dates... Two more weeks go by and I see my boyfriend's vehicle in front of me, which shocked me and of course made me want to follow him into restaurant parking lot , but I did not.

 

I sent him an email that weekend, saying that seeing his vehicle that Friday night made his existence very real and please to never leave someone in this fashion again. The email was kind, open-ended and I did tell him that I was struggling to accept our break-up and that I did still love him.

 

Two days later, he emails me telling me that he is so devastated over what he has done, that yes, he was seeing someone(that day, he ended it) and that he had f'ed up beyond all repair. He was very sorry, remorseful, owned all of it, saying he turned 'inward' in his struggles and that he should have discussed things with me(An aside: one of his struggles were that two of my adult kids had moved home in early April, my pregnant adult daughter, and my 20year old son, who has mental health issues, from their azzhole father's house) and yes! that may overhwhelm anyone, as I have three other children(one more young adult) and two younger kids, 9 and 11, all with my first husband of 27 ish years.

 

So, I then wrote back to him saying whenever ready, please talk to me. He then wrote back that he still loved me, that he regretted ever leaving and that he believed, if *I* was willing to forgive, that he wanted nothing more than to be back together.

 

We saw each other the next day, and have been 'back together' since, over a month now. We had some heavy and frank discussions those first two weeks, but agreed that we did not want "this" to define us as a couple, as we both strongly felt that we are very compatible, make each other happy and we both saw a future for ourselves together. he has been very intentional, very doting, very communicative, introduced me to his six year old daughter this weekend(it went very well) and has been honest as far as I can tell.

 

And yet, I am drowning in doubt and fear and anxiety over what has happened. i began therapy last week with a new therapist in hopes that in time, if we needed it, that BF and I could go together.

 

I guess my questions are: In spite of the "love" I feel for BF, I am so apprehensive and afraid that I am making a wrong decision to give this a second chance. (My first love, and then my husband, were both cheaters). I wonder if I keep attracting "bad" guys, or if in fact, my current BF simply made a grave mistake, one he has owned and is very contrite over.

 

I still have unanswered questions about his relationship with this woman(who confirmed by three people the week I found out is a bit of a 'black widow', sexy, beautiful, sucks men in and then becomes a beligerent psycho more or less) I did share this with BF, telling him that he 'dodged a bullet' with this woman, but I am still crushed and just wondering how/if I can get past my own feelings.

 

Any thoughts? And even though technically we were kinda sorta NOT a couple, BF calls it a betrayal and cheating(and claims he has never cheated on anyone before) and it certainly feels like it to my heart. I don't want to ruin what could be a great relationship, and yet I am bogged down in fear, more or less. I am not ready to give up, but I am feeling intense feelings and really don't know what to do with them...

 

Tia,

[tmae1212]

Oh, I failed to mention that he DID sleep with her, although I do not know the timeline from when we last spoke, how often, etc...(but given the info from her x-hubby, the woman is quite um, 'active', so I am assuming the relationship was highly sexual)...and I have triggers and thoughts of them together sexually when he and I are being intimate.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think I could make a go of it. You've only known each other a few months, and in that time, he already pulled away, went MIA and then slept with someone else. He's got some work to do, and I wouldn't be willing to risk my heart with a man like that again. What's his plan if he feels stress gettingto him again? Where in his thought process did he think just dropping contact you was the best approach? There's just not enough history or a sufficiently solid foundation to build on, from my perspective. Sorry OP, I know you are hurting. But I don't think this guy is worth it.

[SycamoreCircle]

I sent him an email that weekend, saying that seeing his vehicle that Friday night made his existence very real and please to never leave someone in this fashion again. The email was kind, open-ended and I did tell him that I was struggling to accept our break-up and that I did still love him.

 

Two days later, he emails me telling me that he is so devastated over what he has done, that yes, he was seeing someone(that day, he ended it) and that he had f'ed up beyond all repair. He was very sorry, remorseful, owned all of it, saying he turned 'inward' in his struggles and that he should have discussed things with me(An aside: one of his struggles were that two of my adult kids had moved home in early April, my pregnant adult daughter, and my 20year old son, who has mental health issues, from their azzhole father's house) and yes! that may overhwhelm anyone, as I have three other children(one more young adult) and two younger kids, 9 and 11, all with my first husband of 27 ish years.

 

So, I then wrote back to him saying whenever ready, please talk to me. He then wrote back that he still loved me, that he regretted ever leaving and that he believed, if *I* was willing to forgive, that he wanted nothing more than to be back together.

 

We saw each other the next day, and have been 'back together' since, over a month now. We had some heavy and frank discussions those first two weeks, but agreed that we did not want "this" to define us as a couple, as we both strongly felt that we are very compatible, make each other happy and we both saw a future for ourselves together. he has been very intentional, very doting, very communicative, introduced me to his six year old daughter this weekend(it went very well) and has been honest as far as I can tell.

 

And yet, I am drowning in doubt and fear and anxiety over what has happened. i began therapy last week with a new therapist in hopes that in time, if we needed it, that BF and I could go together.

 

I guess my questions are: In spite of the "love" I feel for BF, I am so apprehensive and afraid that I am making a wrong decision to give this a second chance. (My first love, and then my husband, were both cheaters). I wonder if I keep attracting "bad" guys, or if in fact, my current BF simply made a grave mistake, one he has owned and is very contrite over.

 

I still have unanswered questions about his relationship with this woman(who confirmed by three people the week I found out is a bit of a 'black widow', sexy, beautiful, sucks men in and then becomes a beligerent psycho more or less) I did share this with BF, telling him that he 'dodged a bullet' with this woman, but I am still crushed and just wondering how/if I can get past my own feelings.

 

Any thoughts? And even though technically we were kinda sorta NOT a couple, BF calls it a betrayal and cheating(and claims he has never cheated on anyone before) and it certainly feels like it to my heart. I don't want to ruin what could be a great relationship, and yet I am bogged down in fear, more or less. I am not ready to give up, but I am feeling intense feelings and really don't know what to do with them...

 

Tia,

Tia, I don't care how kind that letter was, you shouldn't have sent it.

 

This guy showed you his true colors. Black Widow or no Black Widow, an adult male is not going to be sucked into anything he doesn't want to be sucked into.

 

You have to let this one go. You're setting yourself up for more hurt, more betrayal, more emotional dishonesty.

 

I'm sorry. Take some time off. Repair. Try again.

[tmae1212]

Thanks Expat and Sycamore,

 

I appreciate your input. I need to listen to my gut and keep healing apparently. Thanks!

[PegNosePete]

Give him a second chance after only dating a few months? Hell no. This is supposed to be the honeymoon, "getting to know you" phase. If this is his best, impress the new girl, behaviour then what will he be like after 2 years?

 

If you were married with kids then maybe. But a few months in? No, no and no again.

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though your home situation is just too intense for him to deal with, and he bailed. He's only dealing with one kid of his own, so I would imagine 5 kids is overwhelming for anyone, especially with the circumstances surrounding their move back home.

 

Your home situation hasn't changed, so I would imagine it's going to become an issue again for him. It didn't just disappear, it still exists.

 

Having said that, that's NO justification for his crap behavior. NONE.

 

He's not remorseful at all. All he did was give you some lip service about how 'bad' he felt and how 'wrong' it was of him to screw you over the way he did. Big deal. Words are cheap.

 

More concerning is your unfortunate complete lack of self respect. Knowing he lied to you, cheated on you, and basically threw you to the curb, you still pined away for him and wrote him a letter with the hope of opening up a line of communication between you two. Your eagerness to get him back - no matter how badly he disrespected you - is painfully apparent to him. You've sent him the message he can treat you like crap on the bottom of his shoe and throw you out like a used tissue, and you'll STILL come running right back to him, adoring him and happy to forgive him just to have him in your life.

 

You're sending a horrible message about yourself to him and even worse, disrespecting yourself to the nth degree.

 

Of COURSE he's going to screw you over again. You gave him permission to do that when you chased him after he treated you so badly the first time.

 

People treat us the way we LET them treat us.