Please help, i think my fiance is doing drugs? I need advice,

[woodstok]

OK quick summary, my current fiance and i have been together for over 1 year and a half, we broke up for a while in between this time and she dated some other guy, but all along we continued talking and she always said she loved me an missed me and so we got back together. I suspected something was wrong though at first because she just did not seem herself and eventually i found out she was doing crystal meth and had began doing it with this other guy and friends. I am not into drugs, rarely drink and do not smoke, i know she is better than this and we talked about it and she said it was a sutpid thing to do and she would not do it again. Well 8 months later we are having a few little problems and have not been spending as much time together as before just because we both felt we needed some space to do our own things because we were spending 24/7 with each other, but the problem is this past month i have noticed her acting different, she is really confused, always feels sick, just not herself. I just blamed it on stress from work (she is a manager) and her always working so i told myself, trust her, belive in her and everything will be ok. The big thing came today, you see last night we were supposed to go out together but when it came time she had just got off work and told me she felt really tired and just wanted to sleep, i was upset because i had not seen her in a few days, but i said ok fine just rest and we will talk tomorrow.

 

So tomorrow came (today) and i get woken up by a phone call from her dad asking if she was with me because she was supposed to be at work and was not there yet. I told him no, and he told me she had told her parents last night she was going to my house, obviously she didnt and went out, i dont know where. Her worked called me and everyone was worried looking for her and suddenly she called work saying she was really sick, she went to her friends house last night ate some pizza, watched movies and woke up very sick, i personally dont belive this and i am worried she is doing drugs again. I called her all throughout the day because im worried about her and she has ignored my calls and text messages. I spoke with one of her friends who had talked to her and she said she did not want to talk to me because she did not want to hear me bitch at her. Well i am not going to but i am worried she is doing this stupid crap and she knows how i feel about it, i hate it, and if anything i would bitch her out about not doing this ****, being more responsible, and knowing she is better than stupid things like that. I am so worried she is hanging with that old crowd again and they dont care about themselves so why care about her so they give her drugs, i am so confused, hurt, and worried about what i should do. I love her so much and just want the best for her, but i cant deal with her lying to me or doing stuff behind my back. Her friends have said they too have noticed a difference in her attitude, and ever since her and i have spent more time apart she has not been the same. When we are toghether sure we have occasional fights, but there are and never have been drugs or stupidity going on. I hate the thought of her doing this stuff and i am so upset, what should i do? She wont respond to me whatsoever, i told her i dont want to fight but i am worried and would just like to hear from her but i get no response. A lot of my friends have told me to cut ties with her because she did this in the past, i am a good guy who deserves better, i deal with too much crap with her and put up with too much, but i love her soo much and i am standing here, by her, no matter what i am here to help, support and be there for her does that not count for anything. Should i just give up and let her call me when she feels like it. I am so confused and really upset i just need some advice. I am sorry this is so long and sorry if it somehow does not make sense but i am so worried and just need an outlet.....thank you for your time

 

P.S. should i keep trying to get ahold of her or just let it go until she contacts me?

[RecordProducer]

Aaahhhhhh, she is using a very clever tactic. She wants to see you on your knees. Emotional black male. She won't contact you right away so that you're smaller than a grain when she decides to.

Don't call her or message her whatsoever! When she contacts you, be kind, but not thrilled. When you see her tell her firmly and very explicitly that if she ever, EVER lies to you again and/or does drugs again, that you will turn around and leave forever. Ask her if she understood what you said, because you're not joking. Your voice should confirm your words. Don't be afraid to tell her this. If she loves you, she will respect it.

[magda]

There's a fine line between supporting and enabling. You have to be firm. But this:

 

she did not want to hear me bitch at her. Well i am not going to but i am worried she is doing this stupid crap and she knows how i feel about it, i hate it, and if anything i would bitch her out about not doing this ****, being more responsible, and knowing she is better than stupid things like that.

call it what you like, you sound like her dad. Lecturing her isn't going to get you anywhere, the best thing you can do for her and yourself is drop her right where she stands. Maybe it will eventually spawn a wake-up call for her. Maybe not. Whether she's doing drugs or not she's not communicating with you and you can't have a relationship without communication and honesty - "time apart" or no.

[woodstok]

You guys are right, and i know i may sound like her dad (im not) but i guess i just wanted to help and let her see what she is doing is wrong. I hate the fact that she has not even contacted me to say she is ok, nothing i have heard nothing. I dont know what to do this is hard, i know i should be firm and tell her never to lie again to me and to be honest or i will leave, but its so easy to say it than do it, i mean i love this woman, this is the one i see myself with forever, the one that we have made plans together, but your right she is just running over me cause she feels she can so i seay the hell with it, i am going to ignore her the next few days and give her time to think and then maybe we will talk. She has to know what she did is not cool and its wrong, i mean arent i the on eperson she should call and at least say she is ok because she loves me? I guess im being stupid, i love her so much but reality says i can do better and i need better if she wont change. What do you guys think?

[billybadass36]

Dude, meth is probably the single most destructive drug she can be ingesting. The horror stories about addiction to this stuff are just that: scary. Plan on this being a part of your life with this woman. You need to drop her now. Maybe that'll give her a wake up call, maybe it won't. I'm no expert on addiction and all that, but I'm a lawyer who has clients (repeat customers for the most part) that have ruined their otherwise enjoyable lives because of this drug. The occaisional puff of weed is one thing...meth...totally different. I would never date, let alone marry, someone that is a meth user. Period. It sucks that you've been with her for over a year and a half, but her friends have told you that she's done this before and that it's a bit of a pattern with her. The question isn't whether it's worth pissing away the year and half you've built with her, but rather whether you feel like being subjected to this pattern of drug abuse that will be with you for the rest of her life. I know you love her, but it looks like she's choosing the meth over you. Not uncommon with that substance.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by woodstok

You guys are right, and i know i may sound like her dad (im not) but i guess i just wanted to help and let her see what she is doing is wrong. I hate the fact that she has not even contacted me to say she is ok, nothing i have heard nothing. I dont know what to do this is hard, i know i should be firm and tell her never to lie again to me and to be honest or i will leave, but its so easy to say it than do it, i mean i love this woman, this is the one i see myself with forever, the one that we have made plans together, but your right she is just running over me cause she feels she can so i seay the hell with it, i am going to ignore her the next few days and give her time to think and then maybe we will talk. She has to know what she did is not cool and its wrong, i mean arent i the on eperson she should call and at least say she is ok because she loves me? I guess im being stupid, i love her so much but reality says i can do better and i need better if she wont change. What do you guys think?

 

Drugs dude. They kill people, they hurt loved ones, they control a person's life. The reason she didn't call you? She wasn't thinking about you. She was f*cked up. I had polysubstance abuse problems for years before a seizure disorder stopped me from indulging. Look, it's not about you, she's not intentionally trying to hurt you. She is f*cked up in the head from drugs. I know because I've been her before, and I've dated guys like her before as well.

 

You need to let her go. Because addicts cannot be in relationships. They need to get clean and sober first, and then they can work on interpersonal relationships. Until then, let her go.

[scarlyjones]

Hi,..........I wanted to say something on this subject. I MAY be able to help. Atleast shed light on what is most likely going on and what may be the only way to help her. I am a recovering alcoholic. I drank for 15 years. The last three years of my drinking career, I was ingesting a gallon of whiskey and 2 or 3 40oz of beer a DAY !! Yup,...a day. I lost EVERYTHING. My job, my friends,...my family,...boyfriend,....and my self-respect. I was in the hospital 7 times for near fatal Delirium Tremens (withdrawl psycosis) and severe withdrawl symptoms. I "DIED" in the ER. My heart stopped for 45 seconds. They used the shock paddles to bring me back. First thing,........addicts and even casual users LIE. Cut and dry. Thats what they do. THey NEVER tell the truth about their lifestyles,...EVER. I would bet the house that she is back on the meth wagon or worse. SHe lies to work,....lies to her parents,....and lies to you and her friends. That is what addicts do. It sounds like shes too far gone for "reasoning". It took an intervention by my family to finally get me to agree to go into IN-PATIENT treatment. That was a year and 2 months ago. Ive been sober ever since. I cant begin to tell you how effective an intervention is on an addict. An addict masters the art of lying to one or two people at a time. Its quite a different thing all together when all those people are there in the same room at once confronting her head on. Its almost impossible to lie. It violently forces the addict to take a very unwanted LOOK at themselves. You need get with her family,.....call around to treatment centers and reserve her a bed. Then gather all family and friends and yourself,...in one location and have her show up "unknowingly". And confront her on this. Tell her how much you all love her one at a time. Each person needs to go IN DEPTH into what the person USED to mean to them,.....what they have done to their relationship due to their addiction and what they mean to them NOW. THen the ultimatum. Either she goes into treatmant right then and there,.....or the relationships with her END THAT MINUTE. No more money,...no more sympathy,....no more "letting her crash" on the couch. No more rides to places. No more lying FOR her. You will no longer TAKE phone calls FROM her. She is ON HER OWN. And you MUST mean every word of it as hard as it will be. Its very important that you stick to your guns. SHe MUST hit her bottom. Addicts need to WANT to get sober. Covering up for them only enables their behavior. She must promise to get treatment starting that moment or else all the shutting her out from your lives begins right then. Most times this is the only thing that will SAVE THEIR LIVES. Make no mistake,..she is killing herself. She will be dead in under 2 years if she continues this lifestyle. If the drugs dont kill her,....the lifestyle will. Or,.......YOU could always simply sever yourself from her now. But it sounds like you love her way too much for that. Good luck and God Bless...........

[woodstok]

Well the past few days she has been pretty much ignoring me, i tried contacting her one more time and she just kinda blew me off. She replied to one of my text messages but it was short and that was it, she has not called me or even said anything to the extent of hey im ok, we will talk later, nothing. I am so hurt, confused and angry at the same time. I do love her so much but this has happened before and i know i deserve better and can do better but its just so hard to let go. This is the woman i saw myself with for the rest of my life, the woman i saw having my children, i honestly saw a bright future for us, but reality is she may give this up and she may not but i cant be married to someone like this. What kind of effect would it have on our kids, family life? One thing that has scared me is how aggressive and aggitated she has been lately, i feel so stupid like i am too nice, because i really feel hurt for her and i hate seeing her do this stuff to herself at the same time there is only so much i can do and should put up with. All my friends and family have told me i have put up with way too much from her, i am way to nice and giving and now she is just running all over me and i need to drop her quick, but i am having such a hard time even thinking of letting go, its so hard, so many plans down the drain.....I love her but i also know i need to love myself and respect myself and let her go, i am just so scared, i hate to think of being without her or not having her in my life, when i think about it i honestly just break down and cry, i feel pathetic, but honestly it hurts that bad that i cry about it.........help!!!!!

[blind_otter]

You grieve for the lost dream of what you wanted to have. It's ok, let yourself grieve. It hurts like hell and takes a while to get over losing someone to drugs and alcohol, and it takes a while to accept that they need to change and overcome their problems for THEMSELVES.....because 9 times out of 10 a person with a bad drug problem has bad low self-esteem. Their self loathing and self hatred makes it impossible for them to truely love another person. As always loving yourself is a necessary pre-requisite. So, knowing this....let her go and continue no contact, to get over this. Good luck, keep venting.

[billybadass36]

Dude, you gotta go no contact. She's treating you horribly. Nobody deserves to be treated this way and you cannot seriously be still considering a life with her after this, can you?

[scarlyjones]

Yes, he can.................If he LOVES her,....simply leaving her without knowing what became of her will eat at him. So,...I JUST told you what you could try. INTERVENTION. I just posted a big ol speech telling you what you should try. Then you STILL. Post: ------> but honestly it hurts that bad that i cry about it.........help!!!!!

 

 

HELP??? I just told you what to do!!! Shes only going to get worse. She needs the help. Im telling you,.....GET WITH HER FAMILY AND CONFRONT HER DURING AN INTERVENTION OR LEAVE HER. Plain and simple. To help give you a better example of what these interventions are like,.....there is a great show on A&E. Its CALLED "Intervention". Each show spotlights one or two people addicted to something. Sometimes drugs,...other times alcohol,...gambling,....whatever. The addict thinks A&E is doing a documentary on the life of an addict. Just following around an addict to show what the lifestyles like. What the ADDICT doesnt know is that their family is IN on it. At the end of every show, the family confronts the addict. Its a real good show and will show you exactly how to organize an intervention for your girlfriend. SO,...IM SERIOUS! THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!!

[woodstok]

I understand your point and to do an intervention but i tried to do that and its just not working. Apparently her family does not see how much weight she has lost and how pale and sick she looks, you would think her mom or dad would worry being that she lives in their house and somehow is never home and when she is she is angry, irritated, paranoid and stays up all nights straight. She also denies she is doing anything wrong, you could have the drugs in fron of her, pulling them from her pocket and she will swear to you up and down they are not hers and she is doing nothing wrong. I cant do it anymore and it hurts so much cause i care about her but i need to let go as hard as that is. I cant help someone who does not want to be helped and sees no problem with what they are doing and how they are treating others. I do love her but i cant trust her, she lies and maybe sometime she she will see what she is doing to herself but apparently not now. I am going to give it a week or 2 of no contact and then iam going to call her and see how she is and talk about getting my things back from her. Right now when i try and talk to her, she is very angry, confused, and does not want to talk at all, her head is just not in the right place right now, so maybe i need to let her get together before we talk again. I do want my things back and the ring i gave her being she is the one who wants the break....

[blind_otter]

You gave her a gift - the ring. I am old fashioned so I think it's a bit de classe to take back a gift you gave. When I got divorced my exhusband let me keep the ring! And the divorce was my idea!

 

In all other aspects, I feel for you. My exBF, who I dated after I divorced, was a bad addict. By that time my drug abuse had slowed to pot smoking and that's it (now I still smoke pot, but not half as much as I used to. It's a process, I guess). He on the other hand was doing coke and eventually started smoking crack. I did everything to try to help him, interventions, rehab 3 times, he was even incarcerated for 30 day s from a DUI. Nothing helped, as soon as he was free he was off on 2-3 day long binges.

 

Sometimes you have to let go just for your own sanity. But when we broke up, I let him keep the gifts I had given him throughout our relationship. Gifts are like that. Given.

[scarlyjones]

Thats called DENIAL. SHes in it alright,....but (and this may suprise you to hear it) her family is TOO. They dont want to ADMIT that they didnt raise the perfect little girl. They KNOW shes an addict. But they wont admit it. And by interveneing or confronting her in any way, would mean they are admitted theres a problem to be fixed. Classic textbook attitude for the family to take. Truth is, the family is just as sick as her. She needs N/A and they need Al-anon. This may be beyond your help. If the family isnt willing to see their daughter for the addict she is or atleast admit it, then all thats left is for you to move on with YOUR life. Addiction, if not treated,.. ends in one of four ways,.... ALWAYS ----------------> Hospitals, Institutions,...Jail,....or Death. She IS heading for one of these. Shes willing to lie to the people that love her. All so that she can continue to ingest things into her body that are toxic and will surely destroy it. That is the very essence of addiction and insanity. She keeps on doing the same things over and over again,...hoping for different results. It would also be safe to assume that she is probably having unprotected sex with men who also do her drug. This sex is often not JUST recreational but as PAYMENT for drugs. Either way,...its safe to bet she isnt being faithful. SOrry to open your mind to that.

[scarlyjones]

You need to save yourself while you can. While it is very noble of you to want to help this girl, God didnt put you on this earth to keep HER straight. She will either die, or her life will get so unbelievably disgusting, embarrassing, unhealthy, degrading, and painful that she will take her own life or FINALLY get help on her own. Bottom line is that she needs to WANT to get help. People tend to think that thats just some cliche' thing to say about addiction that doesn really mean anything. Its true though. People cannot get sober for Moms or Dads, or because some Judge told her to,....or for her boyfriend, or so that she will be able to keep her kids,.....or to keep a job,......these are all things that will most likely dry her out for a while but she will go right back to using. This is because the reason she gets sober MUST be for HER TO LIVE. Thats it. If thats why someone gets sober, then all the other **** will fall into line on their own BECAUSE you got sober.

[scarlyjones]

Oh and by the way,....you DIDNT try an intervention. If you had, then she wouldnt in your life anymore. I told you an intervention is ONLY an intervention if you tell her this is IT!!! Either get sober, or you are on your own!!! You have to be strong. She MUST see that her actions have consequenses. Those being that she will no longer be in your life. cut and dry. So ,...no,...you DIDNT try an intervention. An intervention would have had YOU,....her FAMILY, some of her closest friends,...and co-workers there. So far,...you have been telling me that her family is denying this as well. SO you have had no intervention. You have just "bitched" at her.

[overseas2004]

I agree with the intervention thing. When my brother was 20 he was drinking like a fish. My whole family confronted him at the same time. We sat around the table and kept telling him that he was drinking too much.

 

He doesnt drink anymore.

[scarlyjones]

Yes but his finance' is waaay too far gone to just be able to stop on her own. She needs in-patient treatment. She needs to learn a WHOLE new way to live. Thats the saying in recovery. "Its simple,...all you have to do is change everything"