TheOneYouHate Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Well my wife found an email I sent to my counselor. Yeah that is the way my morning started out. She basically told me to choose her or the OW. We will have a long talk tonight, but she needs to know it all. She only knows that it was online at this time. Maybe this will finally be the kick in the shorts I need to do something, even if it is wrong. I feel horrible she is already hurting and it just kills me. I know serves me right, but it I have to start from an honest place again if I am going to make this work. Geeesh.. what a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I guess you are seeing things clear now Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Do not cover up your lies with more lies. The truth will come out and the fallout will be worse. Holding back the truth doesn't protect your wife or your marriage, it just means you want no accountBility. If you want to be a man, a real man and not the coward you have been, this will be the time to do it. Be selfless. Trust me, all your weird behaviour is starting to make sense to her right now, and she's going to flip out. If she asks you to leave, quietly leave. But if you want your marriage, all the lies have to stop. Take her to the dr for std testing, and get yours done too. Cheating is wussy and weak and passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. Nothing manly about any of it. Nothing. Now's your chance to act like a man, don't blow it. She's in more pain than ever, she's ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed because of you. She's not proud of her marriage anymore. All because of you. If her behaviour doesn't make sense, tough sh*t, it's the consequence of you completely screwing with her life and head. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 D-Day can go one of two ways: A) Complete and humble openness and confession B) Damage control, trickle truth, blameshifting PLEASE make choice A 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 She now knows. Do the right thing and be completely honest with her. She deserves to have the truth. I know it will be hard but this is your chance to help her. Dragging anything out will only cause you both more problems. C 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Well my wife found an email I sent to my counselor. She found it or you - on some level - allowed her to find it ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Yep, rip off the band-aid and lay it all out on the table. Now is the best time. For her, but you too honestly. It will be miserable to dance around and tell half-truths. This is an opportunity to just get real. This will force a resolution, one way or the other. Seeing your struggle with all of this on this board, you will have a sense of relief that it is finally out there. But buckle in, it's going to be a rough ride. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I'm on the other side of this & it's probably one of the most painful things your wife has ever experienced. Please try to help her! It's a whirlwind of agony. I found out on mothers day. I found the receipt for both of our flowers!! I've had 'trickle truth' or whatever...I call it lies & discovery of more lies. Now she knows she's desperately searching for clues, answers, anything. She WILL find out things!! Be a man & just tell her! It's bloody agony doubting & searching. Her trust & faith in you has been shattered. Please don't do it again & again by hiding things. My husband denied sending other gifts. "Why would he?" I'm crazy!! Then I go through bank activity & I'm a complete idiot again! Please have a heart & save her this nightmare. It's all lies!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Others have mentioned this, but as a WS who had a d-day and confessed I will emphasize: Tell the whole truth immediately to your wife. Yes it will be horribly difficult and painful for both of you. But doesn't your wife deserve the respect of the full story? To share only part is to protect yourself (and OW) while disrespecting the wife yet again. Allow her to make her choices moving forward on reality and truth. Hiding parts only makes things worse. Now you have the choice to start living with integrity. The question is: will you? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I agree with everyone else, please for the sake of your wife don't do the whole trickle truth thing. There is no more hiding things, your wife deserves to know everything and this will help you to get your life straightened out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 If you won't, or can't, be honest with your wife for her own sake, then do it for your own. Be the man you want to be, and keep in mind that you can't run from yourself forever, only hide for a little while. Meanwhile, the beats that is the consequences of your lies will just keep growing larger and larger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 If you decide not to be honest with her, then please don't waste her time and head for divorce straight away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shinebrightforever Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 As a Wayward myself...believe me. Not getting it all out will just prolong the BS. You have to face it someday. We can't run from it forever. Good luck. Be strong. Get it out. Face your demons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Well my wife found an email I sent to mIt's hardcounselor. Yeah that is the way my morning started out. She basically told me to choose her or the OW. We will have a long talk tonight, but she needs to know it all. She only knows that it was online at this time. Maybe this will finally be the kick in the shorts I need to do something, even if it is wrong. I feel horrible she is already hurting and it just kills me. I know serves me right, but it I have to start from an honest place again if I am going to make this work. Geeesh.. what a mess. Honestly, you've been playing this whole song and dance for awhile. It's hard to believe that you will truly fess up and let the OW go. You've been focusing on YOU the entire time. It's too hard for YOU to let the OW go. YOU are confused. It's all about YOU! Unless you start focusing on your wife instead of YOU, nothing will change. I'm sorry, but I don't believe you are strong enough to let go and recommit to your marriage. I'm hoping you prove me wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 So what happened!? Who wins? Wife? Or OW? Somebody's gonna lose. Someone always does :/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Somebody's gonna lose. Someone always does :/ Well, the saying goes "The best revenge is to let her keep him", although in this case OW is married herself - OP seems to be at the losing end on all fronts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Well, the saying goes "The best revenge is to let her keep him", although in this case OW is married herself - OP seems to be at the losing end on all fronts. So if you weren't being ditched by your W, would you want to pursue fixing the marriage or pursue your AP? Did you mean the things you said to OW or are you like other typical men who have a change of tune once everything is out in the open? At the moment your W is mad and in shock. Don't be surprised when she comes around wanting to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Read the pinned post "what every WS should know" share and discuss with your wife-its a great starting off point- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 So let us know... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Honestly, you've been playing this whole song and dance for awhile. It's hard to believe that you will truly fess up and let the OW go. You've been focusing on YOU the entire time. It's too hard for YOU to let the OW go. YOU are confused. It's all about YOU! Unless you start focusing on your wife instead of YOU, nothing will change. I'm sorry, but I don't believe you are strong enough to let go and recommit to your marriage. I'm hoping you prove me wrong. You know you nailed it, I still can't end it with the OW, can you believe it. I hurt so bad but too much of a wuss or too focused on myself. I am confused, so confused, can't remember being so confused. I want to stay with my wife and work things out but I have a hard time letting the OW go. My wife knows everything, and has talked with me about it, and sat through hours of listening to me talk about the OW, and how I want what is here, but can't let go. She has told me she still believes in me and thinks that I have a lot going for me. Yet here I set still in a dilemma over leaving the OW. It is crazy I know. We have talked divorce and that tears my heart out, and being without the OW makes me sad and hurts like heck too. I guess I am focusing on me, and not focusing on my wife. I would sure like to know how to turn that tide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 So if you weren't being ditched by your W, would you want to pursue fixing the marriage or pursue your AP? Did you mean the things you said to OW or are you like other typical men who have a change of tune once everything is out in the open? At the moment your W is mad and in shock. Don't be surprised when she comes around wanting to work things out. I meant the things that I said to the OW. My wife is back and trying to work it out, then she says lets just get a quick divorce. She says the OW can't be in the picture of course. Then we start talking abut 27 years of marriage memories. I woke up the other morning and she was gone just to get something and cried because she wasn't here. I asked her this morning if I could hug her and we hugged and cried a little together. I have told her everything about the affair, and she still thinks we can work it out. Am I willing to let that kind of love go for another that I love, wow... Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Two things, speaking as a fWW who had a d-day. 1. If you want to be with your wife, and work through things with her, then you have to be 100% all in. It sounds like you've shared all your truth, which is great, but if you're going to continue sitting on the fence then it's not fair to your wife or to you. Yes, your wife is probably going to go back and forth for a while. If you want to stay with her, then you have to be the one who is solid. To show that despite your choices you are 100% committed. If you're not committed, then just say so, and then you two can decide how to move forward from there. 2. Do you really want to be with OW or are you using her and her memories as an escape from your current reality? After d-day I started thinking of xOM again and I was like, WTF? I want to be with my H, not xOM. I realized that my reality was such a mess, a mess of my own making, that I was using "thinking of xOM" as an escape from it. Not healthy. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You are clearly a mess, but I want to add one thing to you. In a previous posting, you talked about being a paycheck to your wife. You do realize, given the length of your marriage, you are likely to be looking at spousal support for many years or possibly even lifetime. Because I think you are using the high of the affair to escape the day to day responsibilities, I just wanted to make sure you knew that financially things are likely to be much harder. I am not suggesting that you should stay with your W because of $, but know that moving to another county will not eliminate your obligations to her and your child. (If he/she is a minor, count on child support and possibly college costs) Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Be a man and do the right thing. Your wife is clearly a good person who deserves to be treated better than this. Let her go and find peace. There's no reason to just keeping abusing her over and over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You know you nailed it, I still can't end it with the OW, can you believe it. I hurt so bad but too much of a wuss or too focused on myself. I am confused, so confused, can't remember being so confused. I want to stay with my wife and work things out but I have a hard time letting the OW go. My wife knows everything, and has talked with me about it, and sat through hours of listening to me talk about the OW, and how I want what is here, but can't let go. She has told me she still believes in me and thinks that I have a lot going for me. Yet here I set still in a dilemma over leaving the OW. It is crazy I know. We have talked divorce and that tears my heart out, and being without the OW makes me sad and hurts like heck too. I guess I am focusing on me, and not focusing on my wife. I would sure like to know how to turn that tide. Tell your wife about this forum. Let her come here and read your posts. Let her come here and read about all the other betrayed spouses who wanted to believe their cheating spouses. Let her see how selfish you are. Let her see how she has to end your marriage because you'll continue to rob her of dignity and years of her life. Let her have a chance at an honest life. Then you can have your OW. I think you are afraid you're not everything your OW believes you are. That scares you. You might end up alone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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