D-Day Has Hit

[m.snow]

jokingly don't take this seriously!

 

don't let her leave the house. you leave the house and be a man! be the man.

 

go rent yourself an apartment.

 

btw give her all your passwords. full access.

 

get her var. no better yet get her a video cam. admit in front of it you had an affair with ow.

 

if divorce don't do 50/50, get 80-20. her way!

 

self destruct in the most awesome way possible.

 

from the ashes like a phoenix rising you can begin a new!

[violet1]

You know you nailed it, I still can't end it with the OW, can you believe it. I hurt so bad but too much of a wuss or too focused on myself. I am confused, so confused, can't remember being so confused. I want to stay with my wife and work things out but I have a hard time letting the OW go. My wife knows everything, and has talked with me about it, and sat through hours of listening to me talk about the OW, and how I want what is here, but can't let go. She has told me she still believes in me and thinks that I have a lot going for me. Yet here I set still in a dilemma over leaving the OW. It is crazy I know. We have talked divorce and that tears my heart out, and being without the OW makes me sad and hurts like heck too. I guess I am focusing on me, and not focusing on my wife. I would sure like to know how to turn that tide.

Your wife sounds like a good woman. I'm sorry to say this, but she deserves better. She knows everything and still believes in you? She's obviously a saint who loves you and you don't love her enough to let the OW go. Stop playing with her damn heart and let her go. She deserves a strong man, not a coward. I don't think you'll learn until you are alone and hit rock bottom. Then maybe you'll appreciate what you had. What's sad is you're going to lose it all over an addiction. I don't believe you love the OW either or that you're in an exit affair. You've already stated that you aren't even attracted to her. She strokes your ego and makes you feel like a King. You want your cake and you're too selfish to stop. Am I close?

[Ladyjane14]

I meant the things that I said to the OW.

 

My wife is back and trying to work it out, then she says lets just get a quick divorce. She says the OW can't be in the picture of course. Then we start talking abut 27 years of marriage memories. I woke up the other morning and she was gone just to get something and cried because she wasn't here. I asked her this morning if I could hug her and we hugged and cried a little together. I have told her everything about the affair, and she still thinks we can work it out. Am I willing to let that kind of love go for another that I love, wow...

 

Well, you shouldn't be. What you're experiencing most likely doesn't have anything to do with either of these women. It's about YOU.

 

You know, I haven't posted on here in years. I poke my head in the door, and find THIS trainwreck.

 

OWs are symptoms, man. And not even a symptom of what's going on in your marriage, but rather about what's going on in you. Your lack of empathy is truly astonishing... so I suspect, rather than routine selfishness, this lack of empathy probably extends to you more than anyone else. You need some help, dude.

 

So... because I'm short on time... here's my advice:

 

You've caused a traumatic stress injury in your wife. Understand what that means. It's basically PTSD. Research assignment... find out what's going on in the brain when someone is emotionally traumatized and don't do ANYTHING that adds to that injury.

 

Weirdly, it's the guy who did the damage who needs to be the healer in marriage recovery, and through that healing, you get healed as well. Read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, open the window to your wife and put the wall up to block off the girlfriend. It's kinder in the long run to make a quick, PERMANENT break. The girlfriend will heal faster when she knows there's no chance of you coming back and that the affair is truly over.

 

Get a therapist. Track down the original wounding that cause you to act out like this. In the interim, read Terrence Real's work on covert male depression.

 

I'm not gonna sugar-coat if for you. It's a tough road. But if you don't deal with what went wrong inside your own head, your life will continue to be turmoil. The solution for happiness isn't external, it's internal. You can't staunch your inner wounds with women. You've got to track down the source and fix it from the inside.

 

Good luck, man. You've got your work cut out for you.

[GollumsNightmare]

^^^^^^This!^^^^^^^^

 

LadyJane should be required reading for every MM. As someone who suffered terribly physically and emotionally as the betrayed wife with PTSD...let me beg you: either be all in your marriage or all out. YOU are causing great damage.

 

Get to a therapist now to get to the bottom of your issues and STOP damaging the two women that care about you.

[Sandy43]

You know you nailed it, I still can't end it with the OW, can you believe it. I hurt so bad but too much of a wuss or too focused on myself. I am confused, so confused, can't remember being so confused. I want to stay with my wife and work things out but I have a hard time letting the OW go. My wife knows everything, and has talked with me about it, and sat through hours of listening to me talk about the OW, and how I want what is here, but can't let go. She has told me she still believes in me and thinks that I have a lot going for me. Yet here I set still in a dilemma over leaving the OW. It is crazy I know. We have talked divorce and that tears my heart out, and being without the OW makes me sad and hurts like heck too. I guess I am focusing on me, and not focusing on my wife. I would sure like to know how to turn that tide.

 

You mean you still WONT end it with the OW, if you wanted to you would. So you are still in contact with the OW? Just go NC, you now know you have the support of your wife to help you get through it so just do it. Your wife is not going to wait around forever you to break contact with her so basically if you continue contact you are choosing her over your marriage. Is this what you want? Make a decision before it is made for you.

[elaine567]

My guess here is that the OP will coast along doing essentially nothing in the hope his devoted wife, (desperate to keep him), will allow him to keep seeing his OW openly, or he will be able to pacify his wife; she calms down and comes off code red alert, and he can thus keep seeing the OW on the sly.

 

I contend he has no intention of reading any books or putting in any real work to solve this.

[truncated]

op,

for all the pain you say you feel, take that and multiply it by 1000. That it what your wife is enduring.

 

I know it will be hard, but have you been 100% honest with her about the fact that you are finding it hard to let the ow go? if not, you should be. That way, your wife can make informed choices about her future.

 

Have you also been 100% honest with your other woman about your situation? Have you told her your wife knows and is really hurting? Does she know your wife thinks that you ad she are trying to work things out? does she know all of this but is still wanting to continue the affair?

 

I know it's not a popular view on here, but what does it say about someone if they are willing to be a part of a relationship they know is incredibly hurtful to someone else, and also so deceitful? I know a lot would say " not my marriage/ not my problem", but how can a human being with any shred of emotional empathy choose to be a part of something like this?

[TheOneYouHate]

op,

for all the pain you say you feel, take that and multiply it by 1000. That it what your wife is enduring.

 

I know it will be hard, but have you been 100% honest with her about the fact that you are finding it hard to let the ow go? if not, you should be. That way, your wife can make informed choices about her future.

 

Have you also been 100% honest with your other woman about your situation? Have you told her your wife knows and is really hurting? Does she know your wife thinks that you ad she are trying to work things out? does she know all of this but is still wanting to continue the affair?

 

I know it's not a popular view on here, but what does it say about someone if they are willing to be a part of a relationship they know is incredibly hurtful to someone else, and also so deceitful? I know a lot would say " not my marriage/ not my problem", but how can a human being with any shred of emotional empathy choose to be a part of something like this?

 

Well yes the OW knows that I have told my wife about her, and yes she still wants me with her. I know it is an addiction, and I am supposed to go cold turkey and I do not know what is malfunctioning in me that I will not end it. I know my wife is in pain and I waffle back and forth, one day wanting to stick it out with my wife and one day the OW is my addiction. I know that I could not be happy living up there with the OW, ex-husband, kids and give up all I have... I have given my wife the facts and she will choose whether to stay or go, but I know that I should end it immediately with the OW, but you are right I am afraid to get my hands dirty and do the hard work.

[HereNorThere]

So, just to be clear. You really haven't done anything to make anything any better. You've just sat around and thought about stuff, posted, ignored advice and tortured everyone around, correct?

[Sandy43]

Well yes the OW knows that I have told my wife about her, and yes she still wants me with her. I know it is an addiction, and I am supposed to go cold turkey and I do not know what is malfunctioning in me that I will not end it. I know my wife is in pain and I waffle back and forth, one day wanting to stick it out with my wife and one day the OW is my addiction. I know that I could not be happy living up there with the OW, ex-husband, kids and give up all I have... I have given my wife the facts and she will choose whether to stay or go, but I know that I should end it immediately with the OW, but you are right I am afraid to get my hands dirty and do the hard work.

 

Just saying it's an addiction does not solve anything, you are hiding behind that instead of taking any action. Those who conquer their addictions do so because they want to and are williing to do whatever it takes to change, you are unwilling to put any effort forward.

[turnera]

What a...disappointing...man.

 

You don't deserve either one of those women.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Sub]

Yeah, I think calling it an addiction is just a way to take yourself off the hook. As if you're helpless. You're not. Honestly, I think you're just going to put it on your W to make the decision, then follow her lead. It would be helpful to her if you didn't appear to be so helpless.

[ladydesigner]

Well yes the OW knows that I have told my wife about her, and yes she still wants me with her. I know it is an addiction, and I am supposed to go cold turkey and I do not know what is malfunctioning in me that I will not end it. I know my wife is in pain and I waffle back and forth, one day wanting to stick it out with my wife and one day the OW is my addiction. I know that I could not be happy living up there with the OW, ex-husband, kids and give up all I have... I have given my wife the facts and she will choose whether to stay or go, but I know that I should end it immediately with the OW, but you are right I am afraid to get my hands dirty and do the hard work.

 

You sound like my WH. He probably felt like you do. Not only could he not end his A on Dday but he put me through discovery of many broken NC's and then continuing the A underground for another 2 years.

 

Now my WH feels done with MOW, now he wants to reconcile, now he cannot figure out one year since False R was discovered that I can't get over it or move on.

 

For me it is a lot like the theory of too little too late. I gave my WH my all when I thought we were in R. My WH broke me down until I needed to be hospitalized, yet he still continued with MOW.

 

Don't let this be your wife. You really need to do her a favor and separate or D. To keep playing this game of hide the AP WILL cost you your M.

 

Have you ever read the book "How to Heal Your Spouse From Your A" it might benefit you and it may not.

 

If your focus is to stay with the OW then let your wife go. It's torture what you are putting her through.

[Bittersweetie]

Well yes the OW knows that I have told my wife about her, and yes she still wants me with her. I know it is an addiction, and I am supposed to go cold turkey and I do not know what is malfunctioning in me that I will not end it. I know my wife is in pain and I waffle back and forth, one day wanting to stick it out with my wife and one day the OW is my addiction. I know that I could not be happy living up there with the OW, ex-husband, kids and give up all I have... I have given my wife the facts and she will choose whether to stay or go, but I know that I should end it immediately with the OW, but you are right I am afraid to get my hands dirty and do the hard work.

 

Now you have the choice to start living with integrity. The question is: will you?

 

And it looks like the answer is: NO.

[truncated]

If you say it is an addiction, then it is time to start treating it as such.

 

AN addict will make any excuse to rationalize unhealthy behavior. Even if it hurting them and those they love, they will just keep on going until they hit rock bottom. once they do, some are able to climb back out and begin to find their way towards better mental health, some just can't get there, and they remain at the bottom of the hole they created.

 

An addict will also surround themselves with other unhealthy people, and they will feed off one another, and feed the addiction and dependency out of fear that the other addict will not need them any more and will choose a healthy life over them.

 

Your ow knows you have told your wife and that you are hurting yourself by staying with her in a relationship that is going nowhere, yet she continues to stay, all the while playing the "poor 'widdle me" card.

 

She's no innocent bystander in this. She's feeder your crap behavior and she knows it. She knows it's hurting you. She knows for sure that it's hurting your wife. She just doesn't care.

 

I can understand her maybe not caring about your wife ( she probably views her as "the wifey who won;t let him go to be with me..after all, wifey must have you on a leash, otherwise, you'd go running to her), but if she cares about you, and knows this is hurting you, she would leave you alone to make your decision while she sorts out her own mess of a life.

[unluckycharms]

If you care about the OW at ALL then you will end things with her now rather than dragging it out because you're too much of a chicken to deal with hurting her feelings. Prolonging the relationship will only cause more pain if you already know you can't/won't be with her. I honestly wonder if the bigger issue here is that you can't feel happy and fulfilled with just one woman, but if that's the case then I think you should do them both a favor and be single until you have insight as to why you feel that way.

 

I know this is hard but it's not too late to do the right thing.

Edited August 18, 2015 by unluckycharms

[fireflywy]

You know you nailed it, I still can't end it with the OW, can you believe it. I hurt so bad but too much of a wuss or too focused on myself. I am confused, so confused, can't remember being so confused. I want to stay with my wife and work things out but I have a hard time letting the OW go. My wife knows everything, and has talked with me about it, and sat through hours of listening to me talk about the OW, and how I want what is here, but can't let go. She has told me she still believes in me and thinks that I have a lot going for me. Yet here I set still in a dilemma over leaving the OW. It is crazy I know. We have talked divorce and that tears my heart out, and being without the OW makes me sad and hurts like heck too. I guess I am focusing on me, and not focusing on my wife. I would sure like to know how to turn that tide.

 

Tough words coming....

 

Tears your heart out huh? Well obviously not enough to stop you from this.

 

Stop acting like an impulsive, selfish child. You just don't WANT to let go. MAN up already and throw in with your wife. Knock off all of this "addicted" b.s. and CONTROL YOUR MIND and if you can't then let your wife go and pine over the OW by yourself until the OW woman drops you because she knows she's got you by the soprano sack.

[Cloudcuckoo]

You sound like my WH. He probably felt like you do. Not only could he not end his A on Dday but he put me through discovery of many broken NC's and then continuing the A underground for another 2 years.

 

Now my WH feels done with MOW, now he wants to reconcile, now he cannot figure out one year since False R was discovered that I can't get over it or move on.

 

For me it is a lot like the theory of too little too late. I gave my WH my all when I thought we were in R. My WH broke me down until I needed to be hospitalized, yet he still continued with MOW.

 

Don't let this be your wife. You really need to do her a favor and separate or D. To keep playing this game of hide the AP WILL cost you your M.

 

Have you ever read the book "How to Heal Your Spouse From Your A" it might benefit you and it may not.

 

If your focus is to stay with the OW then let your wife go. It's torture what you are putting her through.

 

There are many similarities here that reflect the events and aftershock of dday Ladydesigner. I too suffered the cruelty of a complete nervous breakdown, and that was when I discovered what my husband referred to online to his internet entertainers, as 'interactive porn'. (This was also at the height of his affair....greedy or what?).

 

He watched his wife fall apart before him, become mentally and physically undone because of his vile behaviour, and STILL continued his affair. How amusing for he and his concubine to lay me out at their feet and p...all over me. I did nothing to warrant such disgusting treatment from either of them.

 

He perpetuated his cruelty even when offered the opportunity to tell all and be a decent human being and dday occurred 18 months later. He wasn't laughing then.....

 

Is this really how you want to treat another human being OP? Let alone your wife?

 

Confused? I don't think you're confused at all. You know exactly what you're doing.

[cocorico]

Well yes the OW knows that I have told my wife about her, and yes she still wants me with her. I know it is an addiction, and I am supposed to go cold turkey and I do not know what is malfunctioning in me that I will not end it. I know my wife is in pain and I waffle back and forth, one day wanting to stick it out with my wife and one day the OW is my addiction. I know that I could not be happy living up there with the OW, ex-husband, kids and give up all I have... I have given my wife the facts and she will choose whether to stay or go, but I know that I should end it immediately with the OW, but you are right I am afraid to get my hands dirty and do the hard work.

 

Only when the fear / pain of *not* doing it is greater than the fear / pain of doing it, will you be able to resolve this.

 

You told your BW; her pain wasn't sufficient. Neither is any real fear that she will leave you. You've faced that one, sized it up, your mind estimates its magnitude at manageable.

 

You told your OW; likewise, she still wants to be with you. So you've faced that one too, that one also seems manageable.

 

The real fear - Choosing only one and sticking to it by doing what you need to do - terrifies you. You may claim to have made a choice, and you have - you've chosen to continue as things are. You cannot bear to lose your "plan B" in case plan A doesn't work out.

 

So Plan A doesn't stand a chance. And neither does plan B.

 

Nothing will happen until you're ready. Really ready. Until the fear of losing one exceeds the fear of losing both.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Is this guy for real? This is too pathetic it has to be a wind up.

 

After all your comings and goings with NC demands, you always fall back into the A time after time after time, your poor wife now knows half truth and she wants to work it out yet here you are, yet again, whining you cant give up your poor OW for fear of hurting her. Remind yourself this is a woman who is not only betraying her own husband, but is now knowingly hurting your wife, and she still doesnt let go. What type of woman is she that you find so irresistable? She is hurting your family, and your letting her. Get that in your head. Your allowing her to hurt your wife more, you would rather watch your wife cry in pain trying to salvage her marriage than hurt your OW. Your sitting back doing NOTHING and leaving your wife to do all the work, it should be YOU working your a** off trying to keep her, yet you still do nothing. Geez man....let your poor wife go so she can find a man who will give her what you wont. Stop being so cruel and selfish, dont sit there moaning about how someone else hasnt sorted YOUR problems out. Your an adult now, no one is coming to save you, mummy and daddy cant fix this one. Its all on you, you created the mess, your continuing the mess, YOU. Through your own choice. Dont come back on here to say yet again she is an addiction, you cant let go waah waah waah poor me having to decide. Addictions get dealt with, your not even trying. This is real life, look at your wife, she is real, her pain is real, your marriage is real, you being an absolute a** is real.

[truncated]

Is this guy for real? This is too pathetic it has to be a wind up.

 

After all your comings and goings with NC demands, you always fall back into the A time after time after time, your poor wife now knows half truth and she wants to work it out yet here you are, yet again, whining you cant give up your poor OW for fear of hurting her. Remind yourself this is a woman who is not only betraying her own husband, but is now knowingly hurting your wife, and she still doesnt let go. What type of woman is she that you find so irresistable? She is hurting your family, and your letting her. Get that in your head. Your allowing her to hurt your wife more, you would rather watch your wife cry in pain trying to salvage her marriage than hurt your OW. Your sitting back doing NOTHING and leaving your wife to do all the work, it should be YOU working your a** off trying to keep her, yet you still do nothing. Geez man....let your poor wife go so she can find a man who will give her what you wont. Stop being so cruel and selfish, dont sit there moaning about how someone else hasnt sorted YOUR problems out. Your an adult now, no one is coming to save you, mummy and daddy cant fix this one. Its all on you, you created the mess, your continuing the mess, YOU. Through your own choice. Dont come back on here to say yet again she is an addiction, you cant let go waah waah waah poor me having to decide. Addictions get dealt with, your not even trying. This is real life, look at your wife, she is real, her pain is real, your marriage is real, you being an absolute a** is real.

 

Furthermore, think of all the fallout this could have on your children. think f what they may have to go through. The ow, who you say you can't leave because it might hurt her, has no problem being a part of something that will really hurt your kids.

 

So her feelings matter more than theirs? Her temporary pain is more important than the lifelong one they may feel?

 

I know what I am saying sounds cruel to her, but when you think about it, many relationships a person will have in their life will end, and it can be painful. Yet people manage to move on in their life, and your ow will too.

 

btw, there is something that has stuck in my mind about the ow. You say she claims to be "separated", yet according to you, she says this "Anyway, we met again in May and had a great time together got closer and closer. So we were really in love and talked about forever, while staying in our current "bad" relationships.".

So which is it, is she separated or still married? If she is separated, she has already left her "bad relationship", kids in tow.

[ShatteredLady]

Having an affair, doing this to your FAMILY is pathetic enough but to continue torturing your wife like this??? You're no man. Do you think this isn't effecting your kids? I've been the good little wife loosing her mind, vomiting at the thought of betrayal. I promise you that the lies now, the carrying on once you've put your wife through this just isn't human. What is wrong with you? Do you truly HATE your wife? I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy. You are clearly so selfish & shallow that you can't even start to imagine the agony you are causing your FAMILY.

 

People like you shouldn't be allowed to have children. It offends me that you carry the title FATHER & HUSBAND. What a waste of space!