LookAtThisPOst Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 This was inspired by the "Over <men of a certain age> and hadn't had a date in X years, never had a g/f, etc." threads. Funny, when women go a long time without a boyfriend, their fall back excuse is, "I'm single by choice." One woman I knew was divorced, but considered herself "Single by choice" and dateless for over a decade. I had a hard time buying into this as she mentioned she was "focusing on herself and her career." But I'm thinking people can buy into this specific reason they are single, even though I have a tough time swallowing the "I was single for 10 years by choice." If a man was single for 10 years "by choice." People wouldn't by into it at all. In fact they'd likely see him as non-commital and sleeps around or maybe socially awkward with women. They won't buy his "I'm single by choice" excuse, whereas....I think, women can get away with it. I guess society figures that since men are the pursuers anyhow, that "single by choice" doesn't hold much water. "No, sorry, you're lying that you're 'single by choice' because, well...you're obviously a man and unless you're gay, men are always on the prowl for women." THoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 BTDT for about five years now and my takeaway is that people, in general, don't care. That's not an indictment but rather an observation that people, in general, are focused on their own lives that the relationship status of some random individual, whether known to them or not, is irrelevant. Such trends might be of interest to researchers and social scientists though. In general, I've felt no remarkable reactions from opting out by choice for the five years after my divorce. Completely neutral. Closest to any substantive comment was from a friend recently that 'married men live longer' and 'we should get you remarried'. Well, he's 70, married and still alive so I guess he has a point. When he's had health problems, and he's had a few doozies, his wife takes care of him. It works. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I am single by choice, in that I have chosen not to couple up with the men who wanted to couple up with me. But I would very much like to be part of a couple, it just has to be with the right guy. I simply haven't found him yet. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) I am single by choice, in that I have chosen not to couple up with the men who wanted to couple up with me. But I would very much like to be part of a couple, it just has to be with the right guy. I simply haven't found him yet. Likewise, I assume single by choice means that you have chosen not to enter into a relationship with anyone, for whatever reason (the reasons can be anything). I don't really assume single by choice means no dates or you're celibate. I just assume it means you've not found a person you want to be in a committed relationship with.Therefore, if a man says that I believe it. If he said he hasn't been on a date in years that might be stranger but saying he is single by choice, I take it for granted that he has probably gone on dates or even has casual sex but isn't in a relationship because he chooses not to be in one or hasn't found anyone he wants to be with. I'm singly by choice as well in that I currently am not in a relationship with anyone because my choice is to be with someone who fits what I want and I haven't found it. Do I go on dates sometimes? Yes. Have I had sex? Yes. Is there someone who wants me to be serious with him? Yes. Am I still single and is it a choice? Yes. Am I still looking/have my eyes open for someone? Yes. I also think maybe "single by choice" is being conflated with "single and looking" or "single and not looking" which are different things. I'm single by choice but still looking. Other people are single by choice and not looking. I've also had points, specifically I remember in 2010, where I was single by choice and NOT looking. I was going out of my way to avoid dates, sex, everything and focus on me. I didn't go on any dates neither did I have sex or anything. I deleted numbers of all men. Everything. That was necessary at the time for me, but most other times when I'm single by choice it's a matter of choosing not to settle but I'm still open to dates or I might have a FWB or something. Edited August 10, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I've been single by choice for eight years. Getting into relationships has never been a problem for me. I've been engaged three times (only proposed to one of those women). Married once. Currently have several "friends". Two of which would marry me tomorrow if I wanted to get married. I choose not to. I know myself and I decided a relationship is not what I want for my life at this point. Some people have said I'm too young to have made such a decision or they are convinced I will eventually change my mind. However, few people who really know me doubt that I am single by choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Before I married I was single by choice for 3 years and loved it. I dated but didn't want to get serious with anyone until I met my now husband. I loved not having a commitment with anyone and doing EVERYTHING I wanted to do and everything for me. I disagree that men are looked upon badly if they are single. There are many bachelors out there who just want to play the field and not marry. I don't see anything wrong with it if that's their choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I don’t think it’s an “excuse.” (Excuse for what? Not wanting to date? Not wanting to date a certain person? Not wanting to marry or commit to someone?) There really are women and men who prefer to not be coupled up, maybe for certain periods of time and maybe forever. My daughter said the other day, “Do you think I’m looking for a BF? I don’t want a BF. I have too much to do this year. BFs are too much work.” This isn’t an excuse. She’s sincere. Who knows- maybe 500 years ago she would have been burned as a witch for such thinking. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Funny, when women go a long time without a boyfriend, their fall back excuse is, "I'm single by choice." :confused: Please explain WHY you think this is "funny" or an excuse? I am serious I really would like you to explain, I ask you all the time and you never do. I don't understand. :( One woman I knew was divorced, but considered herself "Single by choice" and dateless for over a decade. I had a hard time buying into this as she mentioned she was "focusing on herself and her career." But I'm thinking people can buy into this specific reason they are single, even though I have a tough time swallowing the "I was single for 10 years by choice." If that woman CONSIDERS HERSELF "single by choice" than OF COURSE she IS in fact "single by choice." You have a "hard time buying" or a "tough time swallowing" this? That is all about YOU and how you view women (horribly IMO, :mad:). It has nothing at all to do with that woman and her own choices and how she views herself!! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 :confused: Please explain WHY you think this is "funny" or an excuse? I am serious I really would like you to explain, I ask you all the time and you never do. I don't understand. :( If that woman CONSIDERS HERSELF "single by choice" than OF COURSE she IS in fact "single by choice." You have a "hard time buying" or a "tough time swallowing" this? That is all about YOU and how you view women (horribly IMO, :mad:). It has nothing at all to do with that woman and her own choices and how she views herself!! When one is not single by choice, it's easy to assume everyone else who's single is also not single by choice. I think that is the OP's perspective. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 When one is not single by choice, it's easy to assume everyone else who's single is also not single by choice. I think that is the OP's perspective. This is a good point actually! I think it may be your own perspective that is being projected on to others thus viewing their declaration or choice with suspicion, based on your own ideals, rather than giving legitimacy to their own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scorpiogirl Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 What is so hard to grasp? In the related / similar threads under this post three of them are yours about this exact topic. You have a " male friend of mine" that you've made countless threads about, who is single by choice. Everybody here totally accept he's single by choice, except you. So nobody judges your MALE friend at all. Seriously, what is your problem? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Why judge anyone who says they are single by choice? I wouldn't try to date a man who is single by choice, because clearly his choice is to be single 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Funny, when women go a long time without a boyfriend, their fall back excuse is, "I'm single by choice." One woman I knew was divorced, but considered herself "Single by choice" and dateless for over a decade. I had a hard time buying into this as she mentioned she was "focusing on herself and her career." But I'm thinking people can buy into this specific reason they are single, even though I have a tough time swallowing the "I was single for 10 years by choice." If a man was single for 10 years "by choice." People wouldn't by into it at all. In fact they'd likely see him as non-commital and sleeps around or maybe socially awkward with women. They won't buy his "I'm single by choice" excuse, whereas....I think, women can get away with it. Other people won't "buy" it? Single women can "get away with it"? What...is being single a criminal offence that people had better provide a damned compelling explanation for - or face the consequences? 14 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Why judge anyone who says they are single by choice? I wouldn't try to date a man who is single by choice, because clearly his choice is to be single Yep, and I know a lady personally who is exactly as the OP describes, except she's 62 and has been single the entire time I've known her (about eight years) and she says since her divorce in her late 40's, so perhaps 15 years. She's never even talked about going on a date. She says she's alone by choice. My opinion? Good for her. She has a full life, two adult sons and is retired. I learned some of this perspective from my own early life role model, who remained single and didn't date men after she became a widow in her early sixties and lived another 25 years. To me, it's unremarkable. People do what they do. Some are coupled until they're dead. Others not. The beauty and gift of free will and self-determination. And, we can always change our mind as long as we're alive. Heh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) I admit to being confused by this thread. If anything, WOMEN tend to feel society's "judgement" (aka nosy questions from family members, feeling excluded from their friends who are talking about their weddings, relationships, and babies) for being single, a lot more than men. I don't think that is right either though. At the end of the day , it is no one else's business why someone isn't dating right now, just as your dating status is no one else's business either. The following sums it up well: Other people won't "buy" it? Single women can "get away with it"? What...is being single a criminal offence that people had better provide a damned compelling explanation for - or face the consequences? I agree. Edited August 10, 2015 by Imajerk17 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 A lot of women, men and women decide to stay single, and some not even date. Each have their own reasons. Being single has its perks. Since I'm a woman who has been married, I understand why after a long marriage, a woman of a certain age wouldn't want to bother with dating and/or a new man. Women are the caregivers and some, after a long life of taking care of husband and kids, want to live freely and work less. See it as retirement from wifely duties. I'm not single, but perhaps if I were older I'd do that. On the other hand, I know single women who say are single "by choice" and their circle suspect that it's not as much as "by choice" as for not being able to find someone they'd like. For example I know a woman who is single by choice because she is attracted by really hot guys and doesn't want to go down in physical standards, and since she thinks she can't score a hottie she'd rather be alone and not look. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sportygirl89 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) I am single by choice. My ex walked out on me while sick. Its been very hard for me to date. I've gone out on dates but can't seem to get past the first 5 dates. The guy who has been my dream guy has the thing with Australian girl. Similar feelings I had with my ex. It took me a year and a half to be like okay maybe I can date. Dream guy is only guy I would be with right now. Other than that I've got no interest dating. I'm not into one night stands as I am in professional medical program (not med school but another healthcare program I try not to be specific) Edited August 10, 2015 by sportygirl89 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 OP, I can't speak for everyone, but when I say "I'm single by choice", it's not an "excuse", but rather a "statement of fact"; it's as much of an "excuse" as if someone were to ask "Why aren't you snow skiing today", I'd say "Because it's 92 degrees and there's no snow on the ground or in the forecast." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Choice can be difficult to interpret. How much is it defined by opportunity and how much by the lack there of? How important is the quality of the options to choose from? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Where are you getting your theories from? There are plenty of men (and women) who are single by choice. And as Imajerk says - society is typically still harder on single women than on single men. Just because you are single not by choice does not mean that all other singles are in the same boat. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I remember a conversation my friend and I had (being in our mid 20s at the time) with an attractive lady in her mid 50s. She described her current relationship status as very happily single for the past 3 years and planned on keeping it that way. Her history included a steady flow of relationships from her teens through her 40s. This included 2 marriages. She shared some fun stories and unique experiences. I think the "happily single" part is what stuck in my mind. The men the OP refers to who haven't had a date in X years (or women for that matter) probably are not happily single. I guess it's about whether or not you are happy with your relationship situation. People who involuntary lack experiences tend not to be as happy. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'm single by choice because he's married to my friend and homey don't play dat. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Wow, look at all the nerves you touched OP. Says a lot doesn't it Before I married I was single by choice for 3 years and loved it. I dated but didn't want to get serious with anyone until I met my now husband. I loved not having a commitment with anyone and doing EVERYTHING I wanted to do and everything for me. I disagree that men are looked upon badly if they are single. There are many bachelors out there who just want to play the field and not marry. I don't see anything wrong with it if that's their choice. Think the OP is referring to men who aren't even remotely playing the field. A man who isn't in a relationship or isn't f#cking around is definitely considered 'lesser' by society. Far more than any female. Look in this message board alone for proof, it's hitting everyone right in the face. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I dunno, if someone says they're single by choice, who am i to question that or question their choice? I'm on and off single by choice. If I could have my way, my ex would be with me. So I guess i am not single by choice but am choosing to be single than go with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Think the OP is referring to men who aren't even remotely playing the field. A man who isn't in a relationship or isn't f#cking around is definitely considered 'lesser' by society. Far more than any female. Look in this message board alone for proof, it's hitting everyone right in the face. Agree. I think it's lack of opportunity that generates the stigma the OP is referring to. How much of this stigma is perceived vs. actual could be a matter of debate. Personally, when I wasn't dating anyone, I felt like there was a big red loser "L" on my forehead. Don't know if that's what women actually think about guys who don't attract women on a regular basis. Link to post Share on other sites
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