"I'm single by choice!" male vs female excuse

[Toodaloo]

I know several men who are single by choice. They do not date, they do not sleep around, they are not gay. They just have no interest what so ever in being in a relationship.

 

I don't know any women like that. Myself included.

 

I am single. Initially by choice, but now for no reason other than I have no found anyone. While looking I have been through a fair old share of verbal/ texting abuse... So it is now my choice to step away from people like that and I choose not to bother looking. I choose to hide myself away and not make contact unless its required for business etc with men.

 

I just can't be bothered with "romance" any more. Life is too short.

 

That may change. Who knows. What I can tell you is that I am lonely but I would rather that than have random men calling me all names under the sun...

[LookAtThisPOst]

A man who isn't in a relationship or isn't f#cking around is definitely considered 'lesser' by society. Far more than any female. Look in this message board alone for proof, it's hitting everyone right in the face.

 

This is what I was driving at. Sorry it didn't come out in translation as well in the original post.

 

I am wondering if these women have been single, by choice, for years on end...how many men have attempted to ask them out? Are they getting asked out and are their rejections based on them not being attracted to the guy asking them out, or do they say, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

 

Of course, the guy is likely thinking, "Yeah, she's not attracted to me."

 

But, I'm sure if he was attractive enough, she'd break her vow.

 

On the other hand, I'm noticing the ones that have been single by choice have been run through the wringer of 2 marriages and countless 1 to 3 year relationships with a short lifespan. And this is versus the people who actually desire a relationship who may not have been through the wringer as much.

 

So who have these two types encountering each other, but always butting heads because they aren't dating.

 

So maybe that's why some people remain single for longer periods of times because people that desire to be in a relationship are bumping into people that don't want one?

 

So maybe the increasing trend of men that come on this message board, 30-something and older, talking about how they haven't had a girlfriend in like...forever...they keep meeting these kinds of women?

[xxoo]

This is what I was driving at. Sorry it didn't come out in translation as well in the original post.

 

I am wondering if these women have been single, by choice, for years on end...how many men have attempted to ask them out? Are they getting asked out and are their rejections based on them not being attracted to the guy asking them out, or do they say, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

 

Of course, the guy is likely thinking, "Yeah, she's not attracted to me."

 

But, I'm sure if he was attractive enough, she'd break her vow.

 

On the other hand, I'm noticing the ones that have been single by choice have been run through the wringer of 2 marriages and countless 1 to 3 year relationships with a short lifespan. And this is versus the people who actually desire a relationship who may not have been through the wringer as much.

 

So who have these two types encountering each other, but always butting heads because they aren't dating.

 

So maybe that's why some people remain single for longer periods of times because people that desire to be in a relationship are bumping into people that don't want one?

 

So maybe the increasing trend of men that come on this message board, 30-something and older, talking about how they haven't had a girlfriend in like...forever...they keep meeting these kinds of women?

 

I don't think so.

 

Consider all the people who fit neither of these categories and continue to date and find relationships alongside the "single by choice" people and the "single not by choice" people.

 

Why don't the "single not by choice" people have any luck with the active daters?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I don't think so.

 

Consider all the people who fit neither of these categories and continue to date and find relationships alongside the "single by choice" people and the "single not by choice" people.

 

Why don't the "single not by choice" people have any luck with the active daters?

 

Well, let's say the active daters are likely to have unrealistic expectations, a lot of which are probably online daters if they are in the single and looking category. I'm thinking the "single not by choice" daters are likely running into the active daters who are not realistic in what they are looking for.

 

This seems to have perpetuated the threads of 30-something or older male crowd coming on here and are perplexed at their inability to have girlfriends, dates, or just long dry spells.

 

Rarely I have ever seen posts started by women with the same problem (I think I saw one once.) Though it may not be a representative sample of men, but it's the majority that's doing the posting while others are saying, "Dude, you're screwed!"

 

Kind of like when you first apply for a job in order to get experience, they want you have experience, but if you don't have the experience, they need to hire you to GET that experience. A paradox if you will.

 

Some may say, "Well, do some volunteer work in your field", been there, done that, been told by interviewers that volunteerism didn't count.

 

Of course, I'm going off on a tangent here, but the ones that remain perpetually single and I've seen their faces for a few years on these datings sites, living locally, to still be on these sites.

[mrldii]

Perhaps I misunderstood the original question/premise.

 

I am "single by choice" because I have not [yet] met someone that I'd like to be "mated by choice" and am not the least bit distressed or bitter over the fact, not because I don't date. When and if I meet and date someone with whom there is compatibility and a mutual attraction, I am open to being in a relationship.

 

I have met very few people (that includes men) who are dating - and especially who are on an online dating site - who say or live "I am single by choice" as a means to indicate they are not interested in a relationship when there is mutual attraction. Even the ones who list "casual dating" as their goal will become anything but "casual" once their interest is piqued.

 

With the plethora of hook-up and cheating sites and with Craigslist, it's rather counter-intuitive to use a dating site, if one truly is trying to avoid finding a relationship.

[GravityMan]

OP...you are projecting. The world doesn't revolve around you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Perhaps I misunderstood the original question/premise.

 

I am "single by choice" because I have not [yet] met someone that I'd like to be "mated by choice" and am not the least bit distressed or bitter over the fact, not because I don't date. When and if I meet and date someone with whom there is compatibility and a mutual attraction, I am open to being in a relationship.

 

I have met very few people (that includes men) who are dating - and especially who are on an online dating site - who say or live "I am single by choice" as a means to indicate they are not interested in a relationship when there is mutual attraction. Even the ones who list "casual dating" as their goal will become anything but "casual" once their interest is piqued.

 

With the plethora of hook-up and cheating sites and with Craigslist, it's rather counter-intuitive to use a dating site, if one truly is trying to avoid finding a relationship.

 

Well, maybe people are saying it, but it's so over used it's reached a point where its lost meaning to those using the phrase?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well, maybe people are saying it, but it's so over used it's reached a point where its lost meaning to those using the phrase?

I really don't think so. It's pretty easy to just take someone's word for it if they say they are single by choice whether it is a man or a woman.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I really don't think so. It's pretty easy to just take someone's word for it if they say they are single by choice whether it is a man or a woman.

 

Well, I think it's left up to interpretation or least has some kind of qualifier.

 

I dunno, I had a twice divorced woman look at me odd when I used the "I'm single by choice" line when she asked me why I never got married. She said she didn't buy it.

 

I was like "Whatever, man."

[Taramere]

Well, I think it's left up to interpretation or least has some kind of qualifier.

 

I dunno, I had a twice divorced woman look at me odd when I used the "I'm single by choice" line when she asked me why I never got married. She said she didn't buy it.

 

I was like "Whatever, man."

 

Just say "nobody I want, and who I could manage to spend extended periods of time with without wanting to bang my head - or theirs - against a wall, ever fancied me enough to marry me. My choice is to not end up killing myself or a spouse who I started out not really feeling it for - and ended up hating like the Devil."

 

If nothing else, it's a wordy enough response to put them off asking further personal questions.

[string of letters]

THoughts?

 

Too intoxicated to have any coherent ones at the moment, but it looks like the 'In Search Of' sub-forum is on a roll these last couple of days!

[Rejected Rosebud]

I used the "I'm single by choice" line when she asked me why I never got married. She said she didn't buy it.

 

I was like "Whatever, man."

Well, you were using "a line." Not everybody is. Projecting again!

[LookAtThisPOst]

Just say "nobody I want, and who I could manage to spend extended periods of time with without wanting to bang my head - or theirs - against a wall, ever fancied me enough to marry me. My choice is to not end up killing myself or a spouse who I started out not really feeling it for - and ended up hating like the Devil."

 

If nothing else, it's a wordy enough response to put them off asking further personal questions.

 

I cracked up at that one. Good call!

[xxoo]

Well, let's say the active daters are likely to have unrealistic expectations, a lot of which are probably online daters if they are in the single and looking category. I'm thinking the "single not by choice" daters are likely running into the active daters who are not realistic in what they are looking for.

 

Why aren't the "single not by choice" running into the active, realistic daters?

 

It seems like an excuse to me. People get into relationships. If you don't, that's not the fault of others.

[MissBee]

To be honest, I've never actually said "I'm single by choice" neither have I received that response.

 

I say "I'm single" or "I don't have a bf" and men usually say the same, that they are single or don't have a gf.

 

They might press me like "That's hard to believe, why are you single?" or I might say that to them, then they will give a reason, like "I haven't found anyone yet," "Too busy with work," "I'm not sure," "Still getting over a break up..." or some other reason.

 

I can't actually recall someone simply announcing they were "Single by choice" just like that, so it never comes up that I need to be suspicious of them saying this. Plus like I said, single means you're not in a committed relationship. That's the broadest definition and what I always take it to mean. I do not take it to mean they have not gone on a date or don't have sex casually or don't have a regular FWB or are a celibate hermit....I simply take it to mean this person has chosen not to commit themselves in a monogamous relationship with someone else, for whatever reason.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I think it's left up to interpretation or least has some kind of qualifier.

 

I dunno, I had a twice divorced woman look at me odd when I used the "I'm single by choice" line when she asked me why I never got married. She said she didn't buy it.

 

I was like "Whatever, man."

 

But that sounds to me to be a similar reaction that YOU give when women tell you they are "single by choice"

 

It does bring up a larger question though. What I am curious about, is how "single by choice" even comes up in conversation in the first place. I think that it was invasive of this woman to ask you out of nowhere why you've never been married (if that was what she did). And if YOU are the one asking women stuff like this, then that isn't cool either.

 

Keep in mind though, that someone often will turn down a date with a "soft" rejection such as "I am single by choice" or "I'm too busy to date" or "I need to work on myself". (Guys do this as well by the way.) Something similar also applies when asking a friend to set you up with someone. If THAT is how you keep hearing "single by choice" then that means that you have things you need to be working on.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Revolver]

If a man is good looking people will ask/start to wonder why he's single and not seen with women. If he's average or below average no one will give 2 s****s.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If THAT is how you keep hearing "single by choice" then that means that you have things you need to be working on.

 

No, I just keep moving on to different women until that's something they don't say anymore and actually say yes to going out with me. It's been known to happen from time to time.

[LilaMarie]

Like Roseville said....there are opportunities to date but eh, not looking to just date anyone.

[Popsicle]

BTDT for about five years now and my takeaway is that people, in general, don't care. That's not an indictment but rather an observation that people, in general, are focused on their own lives that the relationship status of some random individual, whether known to them or not, is irrelevant. Such trends might be of interest to researchers and social scientists though.

 

In general, I've felt no remarkable reactions from opting out by choice for the five years after my divorce. Completely neutral. Closest to any substantive comment was from a friend recently that 'married men live longer' and 'we should get you remarried'. Well, he's 70, married and still alive so I guess he has a point. When he's had health problems, and he's had a few doozies, his wife takes care of him. It works.

 

This is completely true. No one cares. They are too wrapped up on their own lives to care that much.

 

If you meet someone and they act like they care, it's only because they were going to reject you anyway for something else.

 

You will get the questions like "Why are you single?" and the like, but that's asked mostly to a) find out if you are truly and fully single and don't have a bf/gf still; and b) just to make conversation. It means nothing.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is completely true. No one cares. They are too wrapped up on their own lives to care that much.

 

If you meet someone and they act like they care, it's only because they were going to reject you anyway for something else.

 

You will get the questions like "Why are you single?" and the like, but that's asked mostly to a) find out if you are truly and fully single and don't have a bf/gf still; and b) just to make conversation. It means nothing.

 

Well, I think those that are asking this question may be likely sizing them up as a romantic interest. Some, just out of conversation, but I'm assuming the tone in which its asked deciphers which.

 

Like the twiced divorced woman that invited me to her private "outside of Meetup group" party had taken a particular interest in me that night. Even wanted me to come back to her place at a later date to catch a movie.

[Popsicle]

Well, I think those that are asking this question may be likely sizing them up as a romantic interest. Some, just out of conversation, but I'm assuming the tone in which its asked deciphers which.

 

Like the twiced divorced woman that invited me to her private "outside of Meetup group" party had taken a particular interest in me that night. Even wanted me to come back to her place at a later date to catch a movie.

 

See, she definitely didn't care.

[Phoe]

This was inspired by the "Over <men of a certain age> and hadn't had a date in X years, never had a g/f, etc." threads.

 

Funny, when women go a long time without a boyfriend, their fall back excuse is, "I'm single by choice."

 

One woman I knew was divorced, but considered herself "Single by choice" and dateless for over a decade.

 

I had a hard time buying into this as she mentioned she was "focusing on herself and her career." But I'm thinking people can buy into this specific reason they are single, even though I have a tough time swallowing the "I was single for 10 years by choice."

 

If a man was single for 10 years "by choice." People wouldn't by into it at all. In fact they'd likely see him as non-commital and sleeps around or maybe socially awkward with women.

 

They won't buy his "I'm single by choice" excuse, whereas....I think, women can get away with it.

 

I guess society figures that since men are the pursuers anyhow, that "single by choice" doesn't hold much water.

 

"No, sorry, you're lying that you're 'single by choice' because, well...you're obviously a man and unless you're gay, men are always on the prowl for women."

 

THoughts?

 

Whenever I was single, it wasn't by choice, so I know I personally would never say such a statement. But I do know for plenty of people, it IS a choice.

 

Of course, people would then say to me that because I had an option, even if it was just the homeless man at the gas station who cat called me, that by CHOOSING not to date him, I was being single by choice. Somehow that argument doesn't seem particularly valid to me, but okay!

[LookAtThisPOst]

Whenever I was single, it wasn't by choice, so I know I personally would never say such a statement. But I do know for plenty of people, it IS a choice.

 

Of course, people would then say to me that because I had an option, even if it was just the homeless man at the gas station who cat called me, that by CHOOSING not to date him, I was being single by choice. Somehow that argument doesn't seem particularly valid to me, but okay!

 

Right, I guess if you use the homeless man as an example, although very extreme, the "I'm single by choice" would apply.

 

I recall on POF an early 40s woman, said she was in "Entertainment Media", VERY attractive, Christian woman. She was stating she was looking for a Christian man, involved in her church and volunteers at the church's nursery.

 

The woman is drop dead gorgeous, almost flawless, very professional looking, not sleezy at all. Apparently, she was a personal trainer, too as she had one photo of her in gym attire, although it was a halter top and spandex shorts, in a professional looking photo. I'm guessing she was a news anchor or something since she's in the media.

 

Said she had been unattached and even had not dated, in say like 10 years! She said there ARE single men in her church singles group, but none of them are good enough for her, but her friends of the secular variety told her of POF and there she went.

 

She even lived in a major city and even at some of the volunteer venues or out with friends, although she met single men, they were never to her liking...never good enough and thus her reason for being online.

 

Found it hard to believe she would even NEED to go online.

 

Obviously single by choice, but when I hear "single by choice" chances are she gets asked out constantly like this one, but turns down a lot of men..but hey, at least they weren't homeless, cat-calling, drug using alcoholics, right? lol

[candie13]

if a man tells me "I'm single by choice", I run, I don't ask any questions.