Has anyone had a D-Day that wasn't actually?

[movingon123]

About a month ago was D-Day for me (I was the OW) and now I'm questioning whether his w actually knows. I was pretty much thrown under the bus, I was shocked by his lack of compassion towards me and lack of closure and that has made me question everything. It would explain a lot if he was lying about the discovery, but there are some things that he said that make me think he's telling the truth. Unfortunately since I don't know her and we don't have anyone in common that we know I don't think I'll ever know.

 

We had talked about ending things a number of times but neither one of us could. It would have likely ended naturally in a couple of months because of a job change and we both knew that. Was this his way of ending it now? Days before he wrote me to say he loved me and there had been nothing in our communication leading up to it that would suggest he was wanting to be done and in fact I would say the opposite.

 

If this has happened to someone I'd like to know how did you know he was lying?

[Savannah2]

I don't know but I know that my MM has told me that she has caught him on the app he uses to communicate with me and that she goes through his phone and could possibly check it. I'm not sure I believe him either because he said this on the first day of vacation with her so I think that he just told me that to manage down my expectations and take the pressure off him to not have to check in much when he was with her for a week. Just an excuse to get him off the hook for the week with me while he was off with her.

[Ifalltopieces]

Sounds to me like wifey found out and is probably watching him like a hawk.

 

Why else would he go cold all of a sudden?

 

Don't be surprised if he rears his evil head when the dust settles.

 

Wifey can't babysit him all the time.

[bathtub-row]

xMM and I didn't actually have a D-day with his wife, but did with his kids. He didn't throw me under the bus, though. I think if your ex was faking a d-day, I'm not sure he'd act the way he has. Regardless, he has treated you horribly and there's no excuse for that.

[Red123]

I hope it's ok that I chime in. My H had ended things with his Mow before I found out about the A but was still in LC with her when I did. After DDay I had the pleasure:( of seeing some emails he thought he deleted. I actually stumbled upon them accidentally because he linked his email to our family tablet. In one if them he told her that she can't message him or email him anymore because I was looking at his phone and email. That email was dated weeks before I had any clue something was going on, in fact I didn't even suspect anything at that point in time. When Dday hit he claimed he had been trying to end things but I didn't believe him, until I saw that email and others where she actually said he he didn't want her. It's hard to say what happened in your situation, but as far as your question goes, it does happen sometimes.

[m4p]

Not sure if my situation applies but my D-day was a "soft d-day".

 

Someone saw us having lunch, took pictures and sent it to his wife. He basically only got caught lying about his whereabouts. Otherwise, zero indications of A, she doesn't know anything.

 

She kicked him out for lying (and correctly assuming that there is more than meets the eye) BUT he never confessed. He denied, denied, denied, and swore to do anything to make her trust him again.

 

In just 3 days, we went from full contact ("I will call you when I am home") to LC ("In the meantime it's better not to text me as I don't know if she will see it") to ending it for good ("I am feeling very guilty for the pain I have caused her and I can't continue lying to her anymore, it is not right"). Lots of crying, sorrys, etc. Doesn't change anything.

 

To summarize things, his wife still does not know that he has a full on 2 years affair with me with daily texting and meetups. He probably took the chance to end it once and for all with me. Afterall, it really was not easy leading a double life.

 

Months have passed and I have realized many things in retrospect. If given the chance I would like to apologize to her, but he obviously is not going to confess anytime soon and I will not do anything (none of those noble I-am-gonna-tell-her-for-her-own sake antics). Good luck to them.

 

As for you, I guess there really is no more point in wondering. I am guessing that his communications were being monitored and he was also salvaging the situation on his end. It hurts to not get closure, but it also just shows how important you were to him. That's your answer....

 

I wish you strength to move on and find happiness!

[NewLeaf512]

 

 

 

 

 

It hurts to not get closure, but it also just shows how important you were to him. That's your answer....

 

 

 

Mp4 I know this was a response to someone else but it also is meaningful for me. I am going to second your emotion and use this on myself too

[movingon123]

I am very grateful for all of your replies. It has helped quite a bit. I didn't want to go into too much detail, but I did get some closure but only after I forced it. My therapist suggested sending him a letter as I was having so much trouble with his lack of a kind response towards me so I did about 2 weeks after d-day. I received an email saying that he had showed the letter to his wife and could I please move on with my life and let me move on with his. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused but that he couldn't be a part of my life.

 

Sorrys are appreciated, but what I was really looking for was what someone else said they got. More of an, "I'm really going to miss you, but for reasons you know about I feel I need to try to make things work. I do love you but I need to try to repair my marriage." I just wanted to know that I did mean something to him and it was more than sex. The part of his email that hurt the most was where he said he regretted having let things go beyond friendship.

 

The A was over a year, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, daily email contact, etc. And no, it wasn't sex 2-3 times a week - once a week at most. To me it was pretty meaningful and so I was floored when he couldn't respond to my, "I'm really going to miss you" on the last phone call. He was just cold. My therapist has said he should have "manned up" and ended it properly, that he did owe that to me. My mm wouldn't agree to an in person meeting - just a phone call.

 

After getting his email response I felt like a "bunny boiler" and was very embarrassed about sending him the letter. I have found that I am going through all of the same emotions that I read the BS goes through. But she can yell at him and ask him questions for hours a day for a year or more. Yet the OW is supposed to just silently walk away and disappear forever after d-day. Like it or not, this is a triangle, and I think everyone should have a chance to put their feelings out there and that may take a few times as emotions get processed. I could have walked away so much more easily if he could have just said something nice about our relationship. I did write a very short email response and knowing that the BS was reading it I said how very sorry I was to her and how I would never contact him again and I haven't and won't.

 

A couple of you said that at least I know what I meant to him and sadly, I'm slowly getting it through my head that it probably was mostly about sex for him, despite all of the "i love you's" and soulmate crap I got. I need to put that on a pillow! One thing is for sure, I will never, ever, get involved with a mm again!

[NewLeaf512]

I am very grateful for all of your replies. It has helped quite a bit. I didn't want to go into too much detail, but I did get some closure but only after I forced it. My therapist suggested sending him a letter as I was having so much trouble with his lack of a kind response towards me so I did about 2 weeks after d-day. I received an email saying that he had showed the letter to his wife and could I please move on with my life and let me move on with his. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused but that he couldn't be a part of my life.

 

Sorrys are appreciated, but what I was really looking for was what someone else said they got. More of an, "I'm really going to miss you, but for reasons you know about I feel I need to try to make things work. I do love you but I need to try to repair my marriage." I just wanted to know that I did mean something to him and it was more than sex. The part of his email that hurt the most was where he said he regretted having let things go beyond friendship.

 

The A was over a year, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, daily email contact, etc. And no, it wasn't sex 2-3 times a week - once a week at most. To me it was pretty meaningful and so I was floored when he couldn't respond to my, "I'm really going to miss you" on the last phone call. He was just cold. My therapist has said he should have "manned up" and ended it properly, that he did owe that to me. My mm wouldn't agree to an in person meeting - just a phone call.

 

After getting his email response I felt like a "bunny boiler" and was very embarrassed about sending him the letter. I have found that I am going through all of the same emotions that I read the BS goes through. But she can yell at him and ask him questions for hours a day for a year or more. Yet the OW is supposed to just silently walk away and disappear forever after d-day. Like it or not, this is a triangle, and I think everyone should have a chance to put their feelings out there and that may take a few times as emotions get processed. I could have walked away so much more easily if he could have just said something nice about our relationship. I did write a very short email response and knowing that the BS was reading it I said how very sorry I was to her and how I would never contact him again and I haven't and won't.

 

A couple of you said that at least I know what I meant to him and sadly, I'm slowly getting it through my head that it probably was mostly about sex for him, despite all of the "i love you's" and soulmate crap I got. I need to put that on a pillow! One thing is for sure, I will never, ever, get involved with a mm again!

 

 

 

The thought of demanding explanations and whys and wherefores should only be a fantasy.

Im an OW like you and of course I'd like answers. I'd even like a sorry. An acknowledgement that I meant anything. It's never going to happen.

 

 

From what I read on the LS boards there seems to be a lot of finger pointing: The OW is at fault, she wrecked my marriage. the WS was at fault, they shouldn't have been going outside the M. The BS is at fault, they were not meeting WS needs.

 

 

Of all of these WS seems to get the least fingers. Does that matter? No. Every time a finger is pointed there are 3 more pointing right back at you.

 

 

As AP, we allowed ourselves to be consolation prizes. I'm not sure what your therapist thought a MM would respond to your heartfelt question after dropping you in a ditch the way mine did to me.

 

 

Please know I feel for you very deeply. I understand. Don't go chase MM. it makes you look desperate. Be happy in the knowledge that you have choices and your whole life ahead of you. sending a Hug

[movingon123]

Thanks for your message. I agree with everything you wrote. I do realize how desperate I looked by sending him the letter and it is exactly that which will prevent me from ever contacting him again. I am so embarrassed by it I can't even tell you. My T says he should be embarrassed by how he handled things with me.

 

A month out I'm starting to do better and forgetting more. This will definitely weigh on me forever, though. I also have a lack of trust and am not sure how I will ever believe what a man says to me again.

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks for your message. I agree with everything you wrote. I do realize how desperate I looked by sending him the letter and it is exactly that which will prevent me from ever contacting him again. I am so embarrassed by it I can't even tell you. My T says he should be embarrassed by how he handled things with me.

 

A month out I'm starting to do better and forgetting more. This will definitely weigh on me forever, though. I also have a lack of trust and am not sure how I will ever believe what a man says to me again.

 

 

MM did behave terribly but so did we as OW (maybe even BS did too I'm not completely on point with your situation.). The only people we can change and take accountability for on this life are ourselves. It seems like you have done that for sure.

 

 

As for the ending, it's devastating I know. Please work on yourself to get to a place where you no longer care about exMM. That is my aim too (and I's getting there super quickly)

[m4p]

I am very grateful for all of your replies. It has helped quite a bit. I didn't want to go into too much detail, but I did get some closure but only after I forced it. My therapist suggested sending him a letter as I was having so much trouble with his lack of a kind response towards me so I did about 2 weeks after d-day. I received an email saying that he had showed the letter to his wife and could I please move on with my life and let me move on with his. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused but that he couldn't be a part of my life.

 

Sorrys are appreciated, but what I was really looking for was what someone else said they got. More of an, "I'm really going to miss you, but for reasons you know about I feel I need to try to make things work. I do love you but I need to try to repair my marriage." I just wanted to know that I did mean something to him and it was more than sex. The part of his email that hurt the most was where he said he regretted having let things go beyond friendship.

 

The A was over a year, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, daily email contact, etc. And no, it wasn't sex 2-3 times a week - once a week at most. To me it was pretty meaningful and so I was floored when he couldn't respond to my, "I'm really going to miss you" on the last phone call. He was just cold. My therapist has said he should have "manned up" and ended it properly, that he did owe that to me. My mm wouldn't agree to an in person meeting - just a phone call.

 

After getting his email response I felt like a "bunny boiler" and was very embarrassed about sending him the letter. I have found that I am going through all of the same emotions that I read the BS goes through. But she can yell at him and ask him questions for hours a day for a year or more. Yet the OW is supposed to just silently walk away and disappear forever after d-day. Like it or not, this is a triangle, and I think everyone should have a chance to put their feelings out there and that may take a few times as emotions get processed. I could have walked away so much more easily if he could have just said something nice about our relationship. I did write a very short email response and knowing that the BS was reading it I said how very sorry I was to her and how I would never contact him again and I haven't and won't.

 

A couple of you said that at least I know what I meant to him and sadly, I'm slowly getting it through my head that it probably was mostly about sex for him, despite all of the "i love you's" and soulmate crap I got. I need to put that on a pillow! One thing is for sure, I will never, ever, get involved with a mm again!

 

I am so sorry and please know that I genuinely understand how you feel.

 

I know that you want him to tell you that you meant something. And honestly honestly? I think that you really did meant something. I too, wanted validation then. How could I not? D day was hell. I was breaking down and couldn't accept that worst nightmare was coming true. It's like you know the end is inevitable but having it happened didn't make it ANY easier. I did asked him, "Did I mean nothing?" And I got my answer from him (yes I did mean a lot to him). But guess what? Knowing the answer didn't help the least bit. I don't even know if it's true, isn't that worse?

 

It hurt like hell when my xmm too, said that he shouldn't have let himself make this mistake.

 

I think we just have to understand that this is the way that they chose to end things. And let it be, really. I know it's hard to reconcile the life that you had together, the sheer intimacy of it- all turned to being complete strangers the next day. You'll wonder how can he just switch it off like this overnight? But perhaps you can simply look at it another way. If what you had was genuine, It is probably not easy for him too. That's just the best way to deal with it now. A clean break once and for all. In one of the few phone conversations I had with xmm after the end, he was speaking "normally" (like to an acquaintance) until he suddenly kinda broke and said that do I think it's really that easy for him too? It's not like what we had was nothing and he feels it. But he has to do the right thing. So there.

 

If you really want to heal, this is for the best.

 

Forget about closure, and forget about reminiscing.. It was all borrowed time anyway.

 

 

I hope you'll let the pain wash over you and accept things for what it is. There really is no point to it all. Sigh. Try to love yourself more, do what you like, indulge a little and take it one day at a time.. hugsssss

[m4p]

Sorry for being long winded. But I gotta disagree with your therapist as I feel that he/she should help you to let go of the grief rather than banking on you getting closure via further contact with xmm.

 

I went to therapy when the A ended and it was the horrible stage where I just wanted to impulsively show up in front of him just to scream and tell him how painful it is. But my therapist was immensely supportive and helped me to work through some of the issues. She acknowledged that I had a genuine bond with xmm (as a friend/lover he provided a lot of mental support and interact to me) but she was totally against any form of further contact with him. She also explicitly said that I don't owe xmm anything, and neither does he owe me anything. An affair is an unhealthy relationship started on the foundation of lies. So now that he got found out? This behavior and consequence is not surprising and I am sorry you have to go through it.

 

It's been 6 months for me now. The pain gets easier.. I still hurt. Like now, thinking about it hurts. But it's much much much better than day 1 already. Soon we will all reach indifference. Remember your first boyfriend in high school or an ex from your past? Didn't we all cried and felt our hearts were breaking then too? It's the same now too, albeit a more grown up and complicated situation. But it's essentially the same. If we survived then, we will survive now.

 

Hang in there!

 

Oh and yes, NEVER AGAIN. I will never do this again too.

[Zagan]

I'm not being funny or anything, but as the 'other woman' (or man) you really don't have any rights. On a humanistic level it isn't right that people have been hurt and left with no explanation or closure. But really, when you entered into an affair with someone who 'belonged' to somebody else, you forfeit all rights to being the one who should be shown any kind of respect or loyalty. The loyalty lies with the spouse. You are an equal part in the deceit and betrayal regardless of the fact it was the MM who made the vows to his wife and you had no link to her whatsoever.

This is what happens when you choose to become involved with people who are attached to somebody else. You can not have the rights and expectations that you are entitled to if you were an exclusive couple. That is just the way it is.. And 80% of affairs will end just like it. So you are dealing with the consequences of the choices you have made.. Lesson learned I guess.

[sandylee1]

I received an email saying that he had showed the letter to his wife and could I please move on with my life and let me move on with his. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused but that he couldn't be a part of my life.

 

what I was really looking for was what someone else said they got. More of an, "I'm really going to miss you,

 

I do love you but I need to try to repair my marriage." I just wanted to know that I did mean something to him and it was more than sex.

 

My mm wouldn't agree to an in person meeting - just a phone

 

A couple of you said that at least I know what I meant to him and sadly, I'm slowly getting it through my head that it probably was mostly about sex for him,!

 

If he's committed to reconcile, part of that is him being open and transparent with his wife to try and gain her trust a bit. Any showing of love or feelings for you would be hurtful to his wife and probably make her think that he wasn't truly remorseful, but just regretted the fact that the affair had come to light.

 

Whether he loved you or not, I don't know, but let's assume for a moment that he did. He has two options, which are 1) to break NC and write you a letter saying he loved you and send the letter without his wife knowing. Considering she's monitoring everything that could be tricky and if she finds out, then his marriage could be over. It's not a risk he's prepared to take.

 

Or 2) if he's being exceptionally honest/foolish and writes an "I love and miss you , but it's over to work on my marriage", and his wife sees this, then she'll very likely want out.

 

It's all about the risk for him. Is it worth loosing wife, hurting kids, in laws, financial stress etc, to tell you (who he should never have been in a relationship with in the first place) that he cares about you or loves/loved you.

 

You may not think so, but at least he wasn't nasty to you and he apologised for the pain he'd caused you. I've seen some where the MM says "you meant nothing, it was a big mistake, i love my wife and I regret the pain I've caused her through my selfishness"

 

There's no way his wife would let him meet up with you to end things. If nothing that could start the affair up again. If he wants reconciliation, then he has to stop lying as well. At this point his wife and marriage are his priority

 

Really gently here......

You're putting yourself on an equal footing with the BW in your expectations of questions /closure. That's just not possible when you're not one of the two people in the marriage. Unfortunately, it's one of the downsides of being the OW, that you get thrown under the bus when it blows up.

 

The BW gets to question him over and over again, because she is HIS WIFE and he made vows with her and he betrayed her.

 

I hope you recover from this and can find true love in an open and honest relationship. Good luck

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not being funny or anything, but as the 'other woman' (or man) you really don't have any rights. On a humanistic level it isn't right that people have been hurt and left with no explanation or closure. But really, when you entered into an affair with someone who 'belonged' to somebody else, you forfeit all rights to being the one who should be shown any kind of respect or loyalty. The loyalty lies with the spouse. You are an equal part in the deceit and betrayal regardless of the fact it was the MM who made the vows to his wife and you had no link to her whatsoever.

This is what happens when you choose to become involved with people who are attached to somebody else. You can not have the rights and expectations that you are entitled to if you were an exclusive couple. That is just the way it is.. And 80% of affairs will end just like it. So you are dealing with the consequences of the choices you have made.. Lesson learned I guess.

 

Hi I am going to respectfully disagree here. Yes OW and OM both are participating in a betrayal however they don't do it alone. I firmly believe no one in this world OWES anyone else anything. What we give and what we get should be given and received freely from a place of love and humanity and compassion for all. I doubt any S on LS B or not would want their S with them because they OWED it to them.

 

First and foremost as citizens of the world we should be kind to others in spite of our flaws and misdeeds and in spite of theirs. It's not ok what OW OM do not is ok what WS do. However what is completely unacceptable and appalling is for Anyone to Treat Anyone like trash, use them and crumples them up and toss them over their shoulder like garbage. In my opinion for all of the betrayal an OM/OW participated in, this makes WS less than humane and dirt under her feet. AP are people who made bad choices, not murderers.

 

If there are any among us who has never hurt another person, nor done a deed they needed to ask forgiveness for, please introduce yourself for I'd like to meet you.

[NewLeaf512]

 

Whether he loved you or not, I don't know, but let's assume for a moment that he did. He has two options, which are 1) to break NC and write you a letter saying he loved you and send the letter without his wife knowing. Considering she's monitoring everything that could be tricky and if she finds out, then his marriage could be over. It's not a risk he's prepared to take.

 

Or 2) if he's being exceptionally honest/foolish and writes an "I love and miss you , but it's over to work on my marriage", and his wife sees this, then she'll very likely want out

 

I believe most AP including my own ExMM never really loved me in spite of what he said.

 

I'd like to understand from the BS in the group.. If you were trying to reconcile with your WS but knew they really loved their AP would you want them?

 

For me real love is about respect, and just like I wouldn't touch ExMM now with a barge pole, I find it hard to imagine a BW or BH wanting a WS who was in love with someone else. They deserve more than a body about the house.

 

Likewise if you are a WS and not in love with your BS you should not fake it and give them an inauthentic life. They should have someone who unconditionally loves them, and so should WS.

 

The key to moving past the A is complete transparency and reality. If WS loves BS they should be doing everything always to win back the trust and love.

 

If WS really doesn't love BS cut them loose and give them a shot at happiness.

[whatatangledweb]

I believe most AP including my own ExMM never really loved me in spite of what he said.

 

I'd like to understand from the BS in the group.. If you were trying to reconcile with your WS but knew they really loved their AP would you want them?

 

For me real love is about respect, and just like I wouldn't touch ExMM now with a barge pole, I find it hard to imagine a BW or BH wanting a WS who was in love with someone else. They deserve more than a body about the house.

 

Likewise if you are a WS and not in love with your BS you should not fake it and give them an inauthentic life. They should have someone who unconditionally loves them, and so should WS.

 

The key to moving past the A is complete transparency and reality. If WS loves BS they should be doing everything always to win back the trust and love.

 

If WS really doesn't love BS cut them loose and give them a shot at happiness.

 

I am a BS and no, I would not want my husband if he had been in love with his OW. Nor would I have stayed if he had contacted her in any way after d-day.

[Zagan]

Hi I am going to respectfully disagree here. Yes OW and OM both are participating in a betrayal however they don't do it alone. I firmly believe no one in this world OWES anyone else anything. What we give and what we get should be given and received freely from a place of love and humanity and compassion for all. I doubt any S on LS B or not would want their S with them because they OWED it to them.

 

First and foremost as citizens of the world we should be kind to others in spite of our flaws and misdeeds and in spite of theirs. It's not ok what OW OM do not is ok what WS do. However what is completely unacceptable and appalling is for Anyone to Treat Anyone like trash, use them and crumples them up and toss them over their shoulder like garbage. In my opinion for all of the betrayal an OM/OW participated in, this makes WS less than humane and dirt under her feet. AP are people who made bad choices, not murderers.

 

If there are any among us who has never hurt another person, nor done a deed they needed to ask forgiveness for, please introduce yourself for I'd like to meet you.

 

I agreed that on a humanistic level nobody deserves to be treated that way but when you become involved with somebody who is married you are participating in a relationship with someone who is treating their spouse like trash and dirt. So it shouldn't be a shock that this man would do that to the person who means significantly less than his wife.

[NewLeaf512]

I agreed that on a humanistic level nobody deserves to be treated that way but when you become involved with somebody who is married you are participating in a relationship with someone who is treating their spouse like trash and dirt. So it shouldn't be a shock that this man would do that to the person who means significantly less than his wife.

 

I totally agree it shouldn't be a shock. But that's where it gets a bit sticky. If the WS at the end of the A was as respectful as possible in exiting the A it doesn't take anything away from BS. It WS really loves BS then WS should say I'm going to end it with AP forever. BS you can be a part of that process. WS shod say I am accepting responsibility for my actions and I need to act with transparency and dignity. If I was BS and watched WS throw AP under the bus, I'd think maybe WS could do that to me someday,

[purplesorrow]

I totally agree it shouldn't be a shock. But that's where it gets a bit sticky. If the WS at the end of the A was as respectful as possible in exiting the A it doesn't take anything away from BS. It WS really loves BS then WS should say I'm going to end it with AP forever. BS you can be a part of that process. WS shod say I am accepting responsibility for my actions and I need to act with transparency and dignity. If I was BS and watched WS throw AP under the bus, I'd think maybe WS could do that to me someday,

 

Why would one expect a betrayed spouse to give any merit to an affair and ending it respectfully when the ap gave none to their marriage? Didn't the ap watch a ws throw their spouse and marriage under the bus for an affair? Why didn't the ap think they were just waiting for their turn for the same treatment?

[seren]

New Leaf, you asked: I'd like to understand from the BS in the group.. If you were trying to reconcile with your WS but knew they really loved their AP would you want them?

 

When H told me about the A I asked him what he wanted to do, if he loved OW and said that if he did, then I would help to untangle our very long marriage and relationship and we would divorce. I loved him with all that I had, but I couldn't and wouldn't be with him, not for a heartbeat if his head and heart were elsewhere. He didn't want us to split and without going too deeply into it, he was a very broken man.

 

It was I who suggested speaking with OW to give closure, it was he who refused. We actually had arguments about his disregard for her feelings, not all BS's are demons or monsters, we also aren't stupid and most place the blame on the shoulders of their WS's. It might take the dust to settle, but when it does most of us don't enable the WS to minimise their role in the affair. When OW called and called our home and H was away working, it was me who gave her comfort and support, simply as a human being to another who was lost and hurt.

 

My H said it meant nothing and that both angered and hurt me, I would rather an A based on love than nothing, to chance losing me and he for nothing was insulting and far more disrespectful than for love. But it was what it was and once I understood the reasoning behind the A (long, long story) I understood that he meant what he said, but I believe that he had feelings for her, not love else we wouldn't be together 7 and a half years later, but feelings all the same. He denies this, and believe me I all but begged (strong word, too strong I never, ever could beg anyone) him to admit he cared, that it would have helped, but he says he will not lie about it. I know about the infinite details of the A, largely by OW and the man she knew and accepted his crappy behaviour from was nothing like the man I know.

 

I think everyone deserves truth, informed choice enables us all to make decisions, that includes the BS,OW or AP, truth can help a person move on. see what is missing? the WS, they are probably the only one's in the A who truly know what's what. The rest of us second guess, imagine and fight like cats in a sack.

[gettingstronger]

My situation is like Serens- at dday, I also told my husband to be with the OW if that is what he wanted, I surely don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me- I have my own money, our boys are awesome so custody would be no issue, they could come and go with either as they pleased, I would not expose him- easiest divorce ever-

 

I also told him he had to end it in person- he offered-she declined but a week later changed her mind-by then the door was closed tight for him so he did not return the calls, blocked her, etc... she has intruded regularly for the past 2.5 years-

 

I also wanted him to say he loved her and it meant something- I didn't want him to have risked us, hurt me for something that was less than that- in his words- at the time it was a nice distraction and an ego boost-but the bright light of facing what he had done just humiliates him- he is humiliated by the whole experience- how easily he lied, the fact he betrayed us, the whole idea that something like that gave him power, the fact he engaged in something like that- it makes him feel sick-

 

So yes, there are BS like us- those that feel the OW is owed closure but I can not force him to do anything-in his mind, it was an affair- he does not owe her much as the very nature of the relationship doesn't warrant it in his mind- not saying he is right or wrong- just answering the question posed-

[Popsicle]

About a month ago was D-Day for me (I was the OW) and now I'm questioning whether his w actually knows. I was pretty much thrown under the bus, I was shocked by his lack of compassion towards me and lack of closure and that has made me question everything. It would explain a lot if he was lying about the discovery, but there are some things that he said that make me think he's telling the truth. Unfortunately since I don't know her and we don't have anyone in common that we know I don't think I'll ever know.

 

We had talked about ending things a number of times but neither one of us could. It would have likely ended naturally in a couple of months because of a job change and we both knew that. Was this his way of ending it now? Days before he wrote me to say he loved me and there had been nothing in our communication leading up to it that would suggest he was wanting to be done and in fact I would say the opposite.

 

If this has happened to someone I'd like to know how did you know he was lying?

 

This never happened to me, but it's within the realm of possibilities that he did fake a Dday, just so he could end the A, but since you will never kniow, the best thing to do is to just fill in the blanks with whatever you want. Be kind to yourself.

[Popsicle]

 

I'd like to understand from the BS in the group.. If you were trying to reconcile with your WS but knew they really loved their AP would you want them?

 

This doesn't matter. Some WS's value the M and everything it represents more than either woman/man.

 

So when you have a WS who wants to stay married at all costs, why would they ever say that they were/are in love with the AP? They wouldn't. That's like telling your boss that you hate your job.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Popsicle