Met a Cheater....

[MissBee]

I've been more on the side of responding to threads rather than posting my own, but found out some days ago that I was the "unwilling OW" to a man I was seeing briefly and I'm sitting here reading the boards thinking....this is some nonsense!

 

Here's the story:

 

I've been out of the country for almost two months, for work purposes. While there, about 3 weeks ago, I meet a guy at a cafe who asks to borrow my laptop charger, we ended up speaking for a while about what I was working on, his work, various things and exchanged cards to possibly work together on a project. He told me upfront he was married, and nothing between us was romantic, we exchanged business cards to connect on a business matter. It was a Friday, he asked to meet on the Sunday for breakfast and to go over some ideas and said he was bringing his friend. He brings his friend and I'm instantly attracted to this guy, we get on like a house on fire, and at one point the friend uses the restroom and the guy says he has to confess that he knew his friend would like me, he purposely brought him and knew things would work between us. At some point he excuses himself and says he has to go to another thing but his friend and I can stay and chat....so that we did, ended up going on a date, I asked him too if he was married or had a gf or anything (because these days you never know) and he said no.

 

Fast forward, the next three weeks are great and it feels like the beginning of something real. We go out to dinner, the movies, for drinks, I went to his house, he came to mine, I met some of his friends and I'm excited. We can talk endlessly about everything. His friend who introduced us is telling me he thinks Nick (not his real name) really likes me. I'm currently back in the States for two days now, we've planned to stay in touch, I visit this country often (I'm originally from there as well), he also can come to the States when he wants, so at this point I'm thinking it's the beginning of a LDR potentially as he is the one who before I left made all the declarations about him being excited about me, how I was a breath of fresh air, how thank God for Skype and Whatsapp and we need to see where this can go.

 

Fast forward again to last night, a strange thing happens. He pops up on Facebook messenger asking me how I know two people we have as mutual friends. This is strange because when we met we talked about social media, and he said he has no Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter, none of those things and he barely has a smart phone. I did not know he even had Facebook. I mention it, he says oh he has the messenger to message me...what???! This doesn't even make sense! You can't have the messenger without having an account I don't think and we've been messaging using other avenues this whole time. Not only that, I click his profile and see that he is tagged as being in a relationship! I immediately point it out, saying hold on, your FB profile has you in a relationship with this person! He laughs and says he keeps his FB static, don't pay any attention to that, he doesn't change it because people comment too much and how he's not been in a serious relationship since 2012. He then quickly says that he was just checking in to say good night (this was after 1am in the morning )and share a picture with me. He then says good night and logs off before further questions can be asked.

 

Nevertheless I'm NOT buying this and I'm in shock and just incredulous and also feeling a bit sick and feeling like it's de ja vu from my A years ago where I also didn't know at the time that he had a gf. I look through his FB and sure enough he has pictures of himself and the woman, at a hotel, she's in a bath robe, they're out to dinner, drinking from one straw, one picture is captioned "Power couple," friends have commented, even in one pic he says "Wedding bells will be ringing" and I'm floored! These pictures are no later than May, but still....he says he hasn't been in a relationship since 2012! So why lie? None of it adds up except that he is a liar, who has a gf and has been cheating on her this past 3 weeks with me!

 

*sigh*

 

I haven't spoken to him today and I'm hoping he just makes himself scarce because I don't even feel it's worth it to confront him. I literally have no desire to have some huge argument with him about being a liar. I'm just....disappointed and sad. The silver lining is that we weren't involved all that long, but it still stings because before I found this out, he was the first person I've been excited about since I broke up with my ex last year. He was very sweet, a gentleman, he's ambitious, we just got on well, we could talk, he's good looking and just had the foundations for someone I could have seen myself with, so it now feels awful that it was "ripped away" and on top of it I have to deal with ALL the questions of WHY? and HOW? I'm still shocked because that country isn't that big, esp if you run in the "well-to-do" circles, which he does, and the fact that we were out and about publicly, that his friend had the nerve to introduce us like we were both single, and just all of that makes me feel like WHAT?! How and why would anyone lie so elaborately and all for what?

 

Then reading the boards today, with threads about if MM leave or what is in their minds, I'm like okay this guy isn't married and I don't know what is in his mind and I don't really care...but I'm angry! What's worse is we ended up talking about cheating and the fact that a lot of men from this country often do this, and he goes on and on about how much of a stereotype it was and how he personally believes in choice, where some women are okay with being the OW and if it were him he would be truthful and give her a choice but he ends with the fact that he doesn't know how men can do it because he has too much on his plate to ever manage having multiple women........yet SURPRISE...look who's cheating! And I'm also confused as to why he'd pop up on FB knowing I can now see he's lying, especially since I took it at face value that he didn't have FB so wasn't stalking his page and would not have known, or at least not stumbled across it for a long while...

 

It makes no sense. He's not an idiot from what I can tell but what he has done is very idiotic. I'm like maybe he's telling the truth because he can't be so stupid, but my rational mind is like, this is of course not the truth! Comments are welcome, although I'm not looking for any advice per se. I haven't spoken to him since last night/this morning when this happened and I almost feel like he knows he's an idiot so might make himself scarce, which makes things easier for me, but it's all making me shake my head at cheating and affairs and the lies and gaslighting and all that, for what end?!!

Edited August 10, 2015 by MissBee

[jen1447]

Sounds like he really cludged up the Facebook thing. How was it that you had two mutual friends?

[HappyAgain2014]

If this woman is tagged in the photos, you could message her to ask if they are in a relationship.

 

I'm sorry this happened but you seem to have a grasp on it.

[minimariah]

He pops up on Facebook messenger asking me how I know two people we have as mutual friends. This is strange because when we met we talked about social media, and he said he has no Facebook... Not only that, I click his profile and see that he is tagged as being in a relationship! He laughs and says he keeps his FB static, don't pay any attention to that, he doesn't change it because people comment too much...

 

he's really not the sharpest pencil in the box, huh?

he lied about having FB then contacted you from said FB even though he knew you'll probably check it out and see pictures going back to May meaning he had FB before he even met you and that's just THE FIRST lie...

 

and the "static FB" & "people comment too much" excuse...? where is the facepalm emoticon when you need it?

 

i'm sorry, Bee.

[MissBee]

Sounds like he really cludged up the Facebook thing. How was it that you had two mutual friends?

 

I'm originally from the same country. The two mutual friends, I went to high school with one of them and the other we went to college in the U.S. together. The latter, they both went to high school together. Not sure how he knows the former.

 

But right....I'm really confused at the whole thing as he doesn't come off as an idiot otherwise, so I'm thinking, you can't be this stupid or think I am. I can see your profile...you must know you have yourself as in a relationship and you have tons of pics that I can see...is it possible to be this stupid to pop up on FB and then say you don't have a gf knowing all the while I can see it smh

 

I was telling my friend about it and she's like "Maybe this is his first time cheating...":lmao:. I about died, but I said, probably...as this is just amateur at best and REALLY STUPID at worst. I can already think about 10 ways to have protected your butt if you wanted to keep up the charade of being single, none of which he even attempted to do with the FB pop up.

[minimariah]

I was telling my friend about it and she's like "Maybe this is his first time cheating..."

 

i thought about this, too.

 

but even a beginner would know better - it's like this dude didn't even try.

& his friend hooking you up...? maybe that friend doesn't know about the relationship...?

[jen1447]

I'm originally from the same country. The two mutual friends, I went to high school with one of them and the other we went to college in the U.S. together. The latter, they both went to high school together. Not sure how he knows the former.

 

But right....I'm really confused at the whole thing as he doesn't come off as an idiot otherwise, so I'm thinking, you can't be this stupid or think I am. I can see your profile...you must know you have yourself as in a relationship and you have tons of pics that I can see...is it possible to be this stupid to pop up on FB and then say you don't have a gf knowing all the while I can see it smh

 

I was telling my friend about it and she's like "Maybe this is his first time cheating...":lmao:. I about died, but I said, probably...as this is just amateur at best and REALLY STUPID at worst. I can already think about 10 ways to have protected your butt if you wanted to keep up the charade of being single, none of which he even attempted to do with the FB pop up.

 

My guess is he was shocked to see you pop up in his "people you may know" list (due to the I'm assuming unexpected mutual friends), realized that you could see him on there and possibly already had (thus wrecking the "not on FB" lie), determined that he couldn't risk changing anything at that point (for fear of potentially obvs covering it up), and decided he had no choice but to attempt damage control with things exactly as they were (including "hehehe - I don't actually know that woman" ).

 

Small comfort but at least you could (if I'm right - I might not be) take solace in him not just assuming you were dumb.

[jaskiegs]

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but based on how excited you were and how stupid his behavior would be, I think you might want to consider simply confronting him with as little emotion as possible. As unlikely as it seems, perhaps he has an actual explanation. Given his potential stupidity, anything he says shouldn't be hard to figure out but if for some crazy reason there's a reasonable explanation, that would be the adult way to handle it.

 

And if there's no explanation other than as you expect, then you know what to do already. In either case, good luck... Sounds like you'll need it.

[Furious]

Sorry that this happened to you MissBee.

 

Personally, I doubt this is the first time this guy cheated. Sure, he's a dumb cheater by questioning you about mutual Facebook friends when he had said he didn't have a facebook page, but being dumb and being a cheater are not mutually exclusive.

 

What really is alarming is this guy's married friend who set you two up. That's seriously creepy.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better. These men are just complete losers...

 

Is there ANY chance that he is telling the truth? Like you, it's hard to believe anyone could actually be that dumb.

[GorillaTheater]

What really is alarming is this guy's married friend who set you two up. That's seriously creepy.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I'd think twice about doing any business with him.

[MissBee]

If this woman is tagged in the photos, you could message her to ask if they are in a relationship.

 

I'm sorry this happened but you seem to have a grasp on it.

 

I don't think I'd go that far.

 

I can see the value in doing this maybe if we had been dating much longer.

 

But at this point I just don't even have tolerance for this. After having been the OW before (finding out I was after he misrepresented but not to this extent of stupidity), and reading these forums, I'm like nope, I'd rather just wash my hands and disappear without ever trying to get to the bottom of it. I am curious, yes, but do I feel like messaging her and asking about them, then if she says yes having to say well he's been cheating with me and going through a whole thing? Nah.

 

I'm just a bit disillusioned though like wow...do I need to investigate every man who says he's single before believing him.

[MissBee]

My guess is he was shocked to see you pop up in his "people you may know" list (due to the I'm assuming unexpected mutual friends), realized that you could see him on there and possibly already had (thus wrecking the "not on FB" lie), determined that he couldn't risk changing anything at that point (for fear of potentially obvs covering it up), and decided he had no choice but to attempt damage control with things exactly as they were (including "hehehe - I don't actually know that woman" ).

 

Small comfort but at least you could (if I'm right - I might not be) take solace in him not just assuming you were dumb.

 

 

My friend said the same thing. She was like maybe he realized you'd eventually see his FB so he tried to damage control before you found out and now is playing dumb like oh, no, this is old stuff, I just never change my FB, and all this garbage.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Sorry Bee,

 

That sucks balls.

 

I know some people are attempting to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but really, do you want to go anywhere near someone who's relationship status is confusing at best?

 

'Are you single?' is a simple yes or no question, there shouldn't be any confusion over it. Innocent or not, (and personally I'm struggling to think of how that could be any kind of innocent) it's shady as hell.

 

Onwards and upwards.

[MissBee]

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but based on how excited you were and how stupid his behavior would be, I think you might want to consider simply confronting him with as little emotion as possible. As unlikely as it seems, perhaps he has an actual explanation. Given his potential stupidity, anything he says shouldn't be hard to figure out but if for some crazy reason there's a reasonable explanation, that would be the adult way to handle it.

 

And if there's no explanation other than as you expect, then you know what to do already. In either case, good luck... Sounds like you'll need it.

 

I've been thinking the bold this whole time but have pushed it out of my mind. On one hand I'm like, I've spoken to him for three weeks, he has not shown himself to be an idiot not once. At no point did I ever think hmmm...this guy's not so bright, so him doing this made me think okay...he either is telling the truth which is why he is so bold about it and there is some mystery explanation or he has the IQ of a cushion, is cheating, and cannot even string together any kind of sound lie. Then I'm wondering how a cushion could pretend not to be a cushion for so long without me even getting the slightest feeling that he was a moron.

 

I think I'm going to wait to see if he speaks to me and speaks to me like all is well, if he mysteriously doesn't speak to me today or in the next few days I will have my answer. That he is guilty and realizes it so has disappeared with tail between his leg. If however, he does continue speaking to me like normal then I'll calmly raise the issue and see what he says.

[MissBee]

Wow. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better. These men are just complete losers...

 

Is there ANY chance that he is telling the truth? Like you, it's hard to believe anyone could actually be that dumb.

 

Thanks Hope!

 

The hopeful part of me is also like....okay I hope he comes up with some plausible explanation for this because this is too stupid for words.However, I'm doubtful and I'm angry that he would think I am that dumb and shocked that he could be this dumb.

[Minnie09]

He can't be very smart if he doesn't know how to change privacy settings.

Or: he doesn't care

Or: he does have a good explanation - eg.: the picture dated May was taken when he was drunk - hence doesn't mean anything etc. ?

[MissBee]

Sorry that this happened to you MissBee.

 

Personally, I doubt this is the first time this guy cheated. Sure, he's a dumb cheater by questioning you about mutual Facebook friends when he had said he didn't have a facebook page, but being dumb and being a cheater are not mutually exclusive.

 

What really is alarming is this guy's married friend who set you two up. That's seriously creepy.

 

Of course being dumb and being a cheater aren't mutually exclusive, but like I said, I had no reason to believe he was dumb. Dumb people tend to show themselves quickly as being dumb in casual conversation, which we had plenty of and deeper conversations, and he wasn't dumb but this, this is supremely stupid, hence we're like okay maybe he hasn't cheated so simply isn't even preempting the obvious? Either which way, whether he is a dumb cheater, first time cheater, seasoned cheater or idiot, I can't deal.

 

But yes, if his married friend knew this whole time, I'm even more sickened! They have been friends for a while, he was at his wedding, so if he had a gf I am sure he would know, they're also FB friends! So he would have seen the FB stuff as well. That's the only other part that's giving me pause like, both of them can't be in on this lie, but of course they can be! However, I'm just incredulous and going through some scenarios and you've all posed some things to think about.

[jaskiegs]

Sounds like you have a plan. Good luck with it... I sincerely hope for your sake that there is some logical explanation for the behavior.

 

Having said that, never underestimate the capacity of human beings to compartmentalize their thoughts and hold two entirely opposing ideas in their head at the same time. I know I did during my A. I'm sure I still do.

[MissBee]

He can't be very smart if he doesn't know how to change privacy settings.

Or: he doesn't care

Or: he does have a good explanation - eg.: the picture dated May was taken when he was drunk - hence doesn't mean anything etc. ?

 

I'm like this dude is a dentist, he is also the developer of a board game, I'm like...he's not an idiot, he can use a computer I'm sure, but maybe he is an idiot about FB...I dunno...that's why I'm like okay he must know about privacy settings? He can't be this ridiculous. But maybe he's not good at FB, I dunno...but like I said, in general life, he isn't dumb, he's a dentist, he managed to graduate dental school, he also managed to do all the necessary work in developing this game that is sold in stores....but he's mysteriously an idiot about FB...maybe?

 

I think he might not care or might be insane or might have some plausible explanation...I dunno...I will report back to you all if anything else develops.

[minimariah]

...he either is telling the truth which is why he is so bold about it and there is some mystery explanation...

 

i honestly don't get the lie about FB in the 1st place.

 

why lie about having a FB...? if he had pics on from May, he had it long before he met you... no? so why lie about it? =\

 

i think he panicked and went for some damage control.

 

p.s. i was the first to call him "dump" - in reality, brains got nothing to do with it. you'd be surprised how many intelligent people do idiotic stuff like this on daily basis. also, education has nothing to do with (emotional) intelligence.

 

p.p.s. maybe he didn't put on privacy settings because his GF would mind...? =\ maybe he has it on public for her? i agree with a previous poster - i'd contact him and be mature about it and ask. if nothing... then out of curiosity.

Edited August 10, 2015 by minimariah

[MissBee]

i honestly don't get the lie about FB in the 1st place.

 

why lie about having a FB...? if he had pics on from May, he had it long before he met you... no? so why lie about it? =\

 

i think he panicked and went for some damage control.

 

p.s. i was the first to call him "dump" - in reality, brains got nothing to do with it. you'd be surprised how many intelligent people do idiotic stuff like this on daily basis. also, education has nothing to do with (emotional) intelligence.

 

p.p.s. maybe he didn't put on privacy settings because his GF would mind...? =\ maybe he has it on public for her? i agree with a previous poster - i'd contact him and be mature about it and ask. if nothing... then out of curiosity.

 

Education has nothing to do with emotional intelligence, but this isn't even a matter of emotional intelligence, but simple logic. If I know I am lying about FB and lying about not having a bf, if I go to message a man I am cheating with who I want to continue to lie to, it's in the realm of standard sense to try to cover this up...and this was so sloppy and not even any attempt at all to cover it up...like wtf?!

 

Maybe he meant he didn't really use FB much instead of not having it at all...but that's not even here or there. I get lying if you're trying to cheat but some of his lies were so pointless or too sloppy to even be lies that could benefit him or serve a purpose.

 

Like I said though, I'm just so intolerant of this stuff that since it was only 3 weeks I'm willing to leave it be. In that, if for example he all of a sudden fades, as he hasn't as yet contacted me today and he normally does, I'll see if it continues. If it it does I'll know that he KNOWS I know, and he feels stupid so is fading to black. If however, he continues on like all is well, then I'll pull out the questions. Definitely if say I found this out after 3 months or more, even 2 months, I'd be more pressed to ask...but since it was less than a month I'm at a point where I'm disappointed but still able to detach easily and just not waste my time with his nonsense.

[minimariah]

Definitely if say I found this out after 3 months or more, even 2 months, I'd be more pressed to ask...but since it was less than a month I'm at a point where I'm disappointed but still able to detach easily and just not waste my time with his nonsense.

 

i understand.

 

well, if there is a good explanation - i'm sure he'll let you know.

 

i'm sorry for the disappointment, though. really sucks when that happens, especially when you get your hopes up thinking you finally got something with potential.

 

it really doesn't make sense though. at all.

[MissBee]

i understand.

 

well, if there is a good explanation - i'm sure he'll let you know.

 

i'm sorry for the disappointment, though. really sucks when that happens, especially when you get your hopes up thinking you finally got something with potential.

 

it really doesn't make sense though. at all.

 

*sigh*

 

Yea.

 

I just showed my sister the exchange and she's like..... "This makes no sense, he's stupid"

 

But yea, I think the disappointment is the hardest part as well as feeling a little more wary and distrustful now. I know it will fade but at the moment I just feel like closing myself off from all dating to avoid stuff like this. I think for OW who choose to be the OW, there is a bit more power in that choice...but it's like you're a BS and OW in one when you've been made to believe the guy was single.

[Furious]

*sigh*

 

Yea.

 

I just showed my sister the exchange and she's like..... "This makes no sense, he's stupid"

 

But yea, I think the disappointment is the hardest part as well as feeling a little more wary and distrustful now. I know it will fade but at the moment I just feel like closing myself off from all dating to avoid stuff like this. I think for OW who choose to be the OW, there is a bit more power in that choice...but it's like you're a BS and OW in one when you've been made to believe the guy was single.

 

 

 

I totally agree that this disappointment will fade and you'll be more than ok.

 

I can see you in the near future you having a good laugh about what a dumb ass he was.