Met a Cheater....

[velvette]

*sigh*

 

Yea.

 

I just showed my sister the exchange and she's like..... "This makes no sense, he's stupid"

 

But yea, I think the disappointment is the hardest part as well as feeling a little more wary and distrustful now. I know it will fade but at the moment I just feel like closing myself off from all dating to avoid stuff like this. I think for OW who choose to be the OW, there is a bit more power in that choice...but it's like you're a BS and OW in one when you've been made to believe the guy was single.

 

 

Miss Bee.............you give such great advice, I am hesistant to even post on the rare occasion at least that I have seen that you ask for advice.

 

 

I agree waiting and seeing what he does will likely give you your answer and with others that it was a clumsy attempt at damage control once he realized you had mutual friends on facebook.

 

 

That being said, rather than closing yourself off.........look at how you got here.

 

 

Perhaps I am wrong, but it sounds like you went pretty fast from "Wow we really click" to "I could see myself in a R with this person"

 

 

The lesson to be learned from this imo, is go slower even when you feel that click and the desire to forge ahead quickly is very strong.

 

 

I get that it is strong, but if its right, going slow will not hamper the R.

 

 

Don't withdraw, instead make the next person you "click" with prove themselves before you start going down the path of permanent relationship material. Actions not words. You really imo did not have time to evaluate actions in this interaction. Its the actions that matter, not just the click or the talk.

 

 

People who are not worth the investment(i.e. cheaters) will not wait around for you to evaluate their actions and will move on to the next target. People who are worth the investment will not have a problem with you taking your time.

[mrldii]

Miss Bee (and I apologize if this was covered and I missed it), can you ask - and trust the reply from - the mutual friend who introduced the two of you, knowing you would like each other?

 

Wouldn't he know if the guy's married/engaged/involved?

 

It's because this is soooo obviously stupid and errant, I almost wanna believe there is "a perfectly good explanation for it" and one that you'll allhave a good laugh over for years to come...once explained.

 

 

~crossing fingers~

[Susmay]

His F/B privacy is probably set at "friends of friends". He wasn't expecting you to be in this category.

 

I'd ask the guy that introduced you.

 

Be prepared to hear that "nobody" likes the partner, she's a horrible person and "everybody" hopes he gets together with someone like you.

 

Or. They split up in June. She's having a hard time of it, and he's trying to let her down gently. He lied to you about not having been in a relationship because you are such a wonderful person that he didn't want you to run. Meanwhile you have to remain a secret from the "former" partner, while he continues to see her to let her down gently...

Edited August 11, 2015 by Susmay

[Red123]

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but based on how excited you were and how stupid his behavior would be, I think you might want to consider simply confronting him with as little emotion as possible. As unlikely as it seems, perhaps he has an actual explanation. Given his potential stupidity, anything he says shouldn't be hard to figure out but if for some crazy reason there's a reasonable explanation, that would be the adult way to handle it.

 

And if there's no explanation other than as you expect, then you know what to do already. In either case, good luck... Sounds like you'll need it.

 

I was thinking this way too. Maybe he's telling the truth. It's hard to say. I totally understand your reaction but it might be worth looking into more.

[OpenBook]

Perhaps I am wrong, but it sounds like you went pretty fast from "Wow we really click" to "I could see myself in a R with this person".

 

No kidding! You're in a foreign country, sitting alone in a café, a stranger approaches you - and next thing you know he's bringing his friend along to your next meetup! You don't know either one of them from Adam! What are you doing??

[MissBee]

No kidding! You're in a foreign country, sitting alone in a café, a stranger approaches you - and next thing you know he's bringing his friend along to your next meetup! You don't know either one of them from Adam! What are you doing??

 

 

This "foreign country" is the country I'm from and I spend at least 3 months of the year there every year since I've emigrated to the U.S. so to be fair, it's not as though this is some random country I've never been to before. This is my native country, many of my relatives still live there, I've not emigrated that long ago, and I go back for work and and spend at least 3 months there always, I have an apartment there permanently, it's also a small country, where as I said, when you run in certain circles, everything is 6 degrees of separation, hence the reason why the guy and I even had mutual friends on FB.

 

Look, not sure if you're trying to be helpful or what, but what you're making seem preposterous is not that preposterous. I met a stranger at a cafe and we engaged in conversation and had some ideas about a project and decided to meet again to discuss. Even when I'm in the U.S. I meet strangers and engage in conversation and sometimes it leads to another meeting, me introducing them to someone else, adding them on FB or other things. That is not the odd part. Likewise, I am not sure how it works for you, but it's fairly normal that you meet a man out and about who is a stranger, you fancy them, exchange numbers and go out....

 

I mean...what exactly is the part you are suggesting was wrong?

[MissBee]

Miss Bee.............you give such great advice, I am hesistant to even post on the rare occasion at least that I have seen that you ask for advice.

 

 

I agree waiting and seeing what he does will likely give you your answer and with others that it was a clumsy attempt at damage control once he realized you had mutual friends on facebook.

 

 

That being said, rather than closing yourself off.........look at how you got here.

 

 

Perhaps I am wrong, but it sounds like you went pretty fast from "Wow we really click" to "I could see myself in a R with this person"

 

 

The lesson to be learned from this imo, is go slower even when you feel that click and the desire to forge ahead quickly is very strong.

 

 

I get that it is strong, but if its right, going slow will not hamper the R.

 

 

Don't withdraw, instead make the next person you "click" with prove themselves before you start going down the path of permanent relationship material. Actions not words. You really imo did not have time to evaluate actions in this interaction. Its the actions that matter, not just the click or the talk.

 

 

People who are not worth the investment(i.e. cheaters) will not wait around for you to evaluate their actions and will move on to the next target. People who are worth the investment will not have a problem with you taking your time.

 

This is sound advice and how I try to operate and I also give the same advice. However, I genuinely don't believe we moved fast. I don't think I did anything out of the ordinary or hastily. But I'm open to hearing more:

 

We met on a Sunday, we were talking with his friend, friend left the cafe, we continued to talk and hit it off, then decided to grab some food together at a restaurant which was on the same premises( essentially the first date). We exchanged numbers, we texted and talked. I didn't see him again until Friday of that week where we went out for a drink at a sport's bar, and that's where I met two friends of his who happened to be there, then after we went to a party. We made out. We went home. I saw him again on maybe the Wednesday and we saw a movie. We talked in some fashion almost everyday, in terms of just short messages checking in or a phone call that lasted about 15 minutes. Another Friday we went out to a restaurant, then that's when I came back to his house (I actually sprained my ankle so that's the reason I ended up back at his place because I could barely walk and needed to ice it and he lived close by). Some other day we played tennis. I mean...in my mind, these are normal things you do when you meet someone you like.

 

 

I liked him yes, we steadily went out and for all intents and purposes he seemed like a good prospect, but that was it prospect, I wasn't down the rabbit hole saying I knew he was my future husband, but in terms of potential, he had the best one out of anyone I'd met thus far and based on everything he did, how we went out, his availability and that he was introduced by his friend, there weren't any signs signaling he was in a relationship secretly.

 

The plan was to come back to the U.S., keep communicating over the distance and see how it goes. It wasn't like I planned to move him here or me move back to where I'm from or that we started planning our lives together or did anything hasty....I was excited about him and he seemed excited about me and we were gonna see how it went, then the FB pop up was thrown into the mix and the cat was let out of the bag.

 

I think in this case, me moving slower wouldn't have prevented him being a cheater as I am not sure exactly what actions would be considered slower. I think it would have probably been a case (esp since I don't live there all the time) that he would have kept up the charade with ease and probably months later, when I really felt I knew him and was even more invested that I'd probably find out the truth and that would be harder for me to handle. Whereas now, finding out three weeks in, while disappointing, may be a blessing in disguise where I will have an easier time moving on from this than if he and I had dragged things on and he kept up some charade or didn't make this faux pas.

 

P.S. he has not as yet reached out to me, so I'll keep an eye out in the coming days to see if that changes, if by tomorrow he doesn't then I think it will be confirmed that he knows he has slipped up.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee (and I apologize if this was covered and I missed it), can you ask - and trust the reply from - the mutual friend who introduced the two of you, knowing you would like each other?

 

Wouldn't he know if the guy's married/engaged/involved?

 

It's because this is soooo obviously stupid and errant, I almost wanna believe there is "a perfectly good explanation for it" and one that you'll allhave a good laugh over for years to come...once explained.

 

 

~crossing fingers~

 

I don't know the friend well, so I of course cannot say if I can trust his word. At this point I don't feel like asking his friend either. But if the friend reached out to me, because on occasion in the three weeks he'd ask how things were going, then I'd tell him the truth and see his response. But also, culturally, here, a lot of men lie for each other about this stuff so while I'm on one hand incredulous he'd introduce me to him if he knew he was taken, I also wouldn't be surprised.

 

Same thoughts, I'm like this is too stupid to be real...but I'll definitely keep you guys posted in the event that there is some mysterious good explanation and he isn't just a moron.

[MissBee]

His F/B privacy is probably set at "friends of friends". He wasn't expecting you to be in this category.

 

I'd ask the guy that introduced you.

 

Be prepared to hear that "nobody" likes the partner, she's a horrible person and "everybody" hopes he gets together with someone like you.

 

Or. They split up in June. She's having a hard time of it, and he's trying to let her down gently. He lied to you about not having been in a relationship because you are such a wonderful person that he didn't want you to run. Meanwhile you have to remain a secret from the "former" partner, while he continues to see her to let her down gently...

 

These thoughts ran through my mind as well.

 

I don't see pictures of them dated after May, so I was like, maybe they broke up sometime between May and now or are in some ambiguous space where they are together but not really hence no status change, hence his friend saw no issues introducing us and hence he was taking me out boldly and didn't seem to be concerned with hiding...but that doesn't explain his whole I've not been in a serious relationship since 2012 thing. But that makes more sense than he's just an idiot....yet, I'm not naive and I'd rather assume he's guilty until he proves otherwise than try to reach for all kinds of other explanations. So for now I'm erring on the side of clumsy cheating idiot....

 

The biggest indicator for me will be how he communicates with me now. Thus far I've not heard from him today which is a little odd...although maybe we have gone some days without speaking, I'd say we normally speak daily or every other day since we've met, so I'll see if he reaches out tomorrow. If he does, I'll raise the issue. If he does not, then I think he has found himself caught red-handed and is either regrouping to return with some more lies or has just decided to give up the gig.

[Popsicle]

Yeah, this is why I never get into LDR's. AT ALL. I'm already hypersensitive to the whole infidelity thing and not being able to do the "getting to know each other phase" in person face-to-face is just too much for me to handle. I need the guy I'm seeing to live close to me.

[Grapesofwrath]

what is your gut telling you? Listen carefully to that valuable resource...your inner voice.

 

I agree that the adult wAy is to ask him, directly, what is going on. Don't accept vague or evasive answers. Ask him directly for the truth, then listen to his responses and what your gut has to say about them

[Whisper Quiet]

MissBee,

 

You offer so much support and kindness to others on this forum. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you experienced this situation.

 

(((MissBee)))

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

You offer so much support and kindness to others on this forum. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you experienced this situation.

 

(((MissBee)))

 

Thanks Whisper, I appreciate it.

[anika99]

Awww, MissBee, that sucks! I didn't read the whole thread but the only explanation I can think of is that either he's a two-timing lying cheat or he exaggerated the amount of time he's been single because he didn't want you to think you are his rebound girl, which you would be if he only broke up with this girl in May. Either way, he lied and that's a really bad foot to start off on.

[pheonixrisen]

This "foreign country" is the country I'm from and I spend at least 3 months of the year there every year since I've emigrated to the U.S. so to be fair, it's not as though this is some random country I've never been to before. This is my native country, many of my relatives still live there, I've not emigrated that long ago, and I go back for work and and spend at least 3 months there always, I have an apartment there permanently, it's also a small country, where as I said, when you run in certain circles, everything is 6 degrees of separation, hence the reason why the guy and I even had mutual friends on FB.

 

Look, not sure if you're trying to be helpful or what, but what you're making seem preposterous is not that preposterous. I met a stranger at a cafe and we engaged in conversation and had some ideas about a project and decided to meet again to discuss. Even when I'm in the U.S. I meet strangers and engage in conversation and sometimes it leads to another meeting, me introducing them to someone else, adding them on FB or other things. That is not the odd part. Likewise, I am not sure how it works for you, but it's fairly normal that you meet a man out and about who is a stranger, you fancy them, exchange numbers and go out....

 

I mean...what exactly is the part you are suggesting was wrong?

 

I agree ...A lot of people meet this way ...I met my dh in a foreign country in a mall exchanged numbers met for date 4 months engaged / 8 months married and now currently married for 8 years ...Most people I know are actually married or in relationship with people who they have no common acquaintance with in beginning ...and then built a life together .

 

Also it's not uncommon to meet strangers at a cafe and find common grounds with that later may turn into friendship or business relationship ...In our world it's called networking

 

Don't find anything wrong with how she met either one of them

[jenkins95]

Hi MissBee

 

I hope this works out well for you because it sounds like it has real potential. Good that something like this has happened after 3 weeks, and not 3 months or more.

 

As others and yourself have suggested, it seems so obviously dodgy that perhaps there is actually a perfectly good, maybe even comical reason for it.

 

I guess his own behaviour will speak volumes. If he goes quiet on you, starts being really guarded or makes changes to his FB, these will obviously be red flags. Equally, if he comes back with a long elaborated long thought out explanantion, this could be a red flag just showing that he knows he's been rumbled and is covering himself. If he acts completely normally with you and doesn't seem awkward or different, then this would be a positive sign. In this case, you could raise it with him. You wouldn't need to be serious and accusing - you could make it light and fun and just say how surprised you were and how it looked odd, but that you know he wouldn't do anything that silly. Then just leave a silence and see how he responds. He should feel a subtle pressure and responsibility to respond, another red flag would be is he just laughed it off and changed the subject.

 

You definitely need some kind of explanation before proceeding I feel. I'm sure when you next see/speak to him, your own instincts will tell you a lot.

 

I wish you all the best, and keep us posted!!!

[Heatherknows]

i thought about this, too.

 

but even a beginner would know better - it's like this dude didn't even try.

& his friend hooking you up...? maybe that friend doesn't know about the relationship...?

 

Not only is he a liar and a cheater he's freaking stupid. I'm sure the OP can do better. LOL

[MissBee]

I agree ...A lot of people meet this way ...I met my dh in a foreign country in a mall exchanged numbers met for date 4 months engaged / 8 months married and now currently married for 8 years ...Most people I know are actually married or in relationship with people who they have no common acquaintance with in beginning ...and then built a life together .

 

Also it's not uncommon to meet strangers at a cafe and find common grounds with that later may turn into friendship or business relationship ...In our world it's called networking

 

Don't find anything wrong with how she met either one of them

 

Right.

 

I wasn't sure why that particular part (me meeting someone at a cafe in another country, which I had already said in the initial post is the country I'm originally from) was singled out as the odd/preposterous/faulty part of the equation, when that's a run of the mill scenario. It's not like I met this guy and gave him money, went to his home, or did anything ridiculous that one shouldn't do with a stranger. I had a 2 hour conversation with him in public about mutual interests and we planned to meet again in the same public place and he brought his friend along who I hit it off with.

Edited August 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

Hi MissBee

 

I hope this works out well for you because it sounds like it has real potential. Good that something like this has happened after 3 weeks, and not 3 months or more.

 

As others and yourself have suggested, it seems so obviously dodgy that perhaps there is actually a perfectly good, maybe even comical reason for it.

 

I guess his own behaviour will speak volumes. If he goes quiet on you, starts being really guarded or makes changes to his FB, these will obviously be red flags. Equally, if he comes back with a long elaborated long thought out explanantion, this could be a red flag just showing that he knows he's been rumbled and is covering himself. If he acts completely normally with you and doesn't seem awkward or different, then this would be a positive sign. In this case, you could raise it with him. You wouldn't need to be serious and accusing - you could make it light and fun and just say how surprised you were and how it looked odd, but that you know he wouldn't do anything that silly. Then just leave a silence and see how he responds. He should feel a subtle pressure and responsibility to respond, another red flag would be is he just laughed it off and changed the subject.

 

You definitely need some kind of explanation before proceeding I feel. I'm sure when you next see/speak to him, your own instincts will tell you a lot.

 

I wish you all the best, and keep us posted!!!

 

Thanks for this!

 

He actually contacted me yesterday like all was well, but I sat on my response until today. I chit-chatted with him, but he won't get the message until later probably, and I'll find a way to address the inconsistencies. I definitely won't make it accusatory, as at this point I'm still not attached enough to be irate, but definitely nothing more serious can come of this without the inconsistencies being cleared up...if what he says makes zero sense then nothing will come of it as I won't be able to trust him.

[unluckycharms]

I may be a little bitter for even thinking this way, but he could be testing your and/or his GF's boundaries to see what he can get away with. There are some people who get off on successfully lying to others as it gives them a false illusion of power and control. I hope that it's not the case here but I haven't seen anyone else say this so I thought I'd raise it.

 

Even if he has a believable story, trust your gut. It's probably your best ally in this situation. I hope it goes well for you.

[MissBee]

I may be a little bitter for even thinking this way, but he could be testing your and/or his GF's boundaries to see what he can get away with. There are some people who get off on successfully lying to others as it gives them a false illusion of power and control. I hope that it's not the case here but I haven't seen anyone else say this so I thought I'd raise it.

 

Even if he has a believable story, trust your gut. It's probably your best ally in this situation. I hope it goes well for you.

 

My gut is that this doesn't make sense, but there is part of me that says maybe.

 

Since the initial FB pop up strangeness my feelings have changed a lot, in that I don't feel as invested after the initial "Omg wtf?!" moment. I'm now feeling like, "I don't believe you, but we'll see how you proceed and then I'll ask you to explain yourself." The fortunate part is that because I feel more detached (and am also occupied with preparing for the new semester and other responsibilities) and I have more space emotionally because it was 3 weeks, I feel like I'm in a good place to either let it go without fanfare without pressing him or pressing him and then letting it go without fanfare if it doesn't make a lick of sense still.

[unluckycharms]

My gut is that this doesn't make sense, but there is part of me that says maybe.

 

Since the initial FB pop up strangeness my feelings have changed a lot, in that I don't feel as invested after the initial "Omg wtf?!" moment. I'm now feeling like, "I don't believe you, but we'll see how you proceed and then I'll ask you to explain yourself." The fortunate part is that because I feel more detached (and am also occupied with preparing for the new semester and other responsibilities) and I have more space emotionally because it was 3 weeks, I feel like I'm in a good place to either let it go without fanfare without pressing him or pressing him and then letting it go without fanfare if it doesn't make a lick of sense still.

 

Honestly, having gone through this whole "other woman" situation, I don't think I'd be willing to take a chance on a relationship where there was any question as to the guy's relationship status or fidelity. Even if he has an explanation for the FB, will you ever be truly sure that you can trust him? There are so many others out there that it seems to me that just not worth taking the risk of going through that pain again. I'd think about whether you were really falling for him or if it's just the possibility he represents at this point.

 

Once again, full disclosure that I may be bitter at this point due to the recency of my situation, and I do hope that it works out for you but I am just asking the questions I wish I'd asked myself months ago.

[MissBee]

Honestly, having gone through this whole "other woman" situation, I don't think I'd be willing to take a chance on a relationship where there was any question as to the guy's relationship status or fidelity. Even if he has an explanation for the FB, will you ever be truly sure that you can trust him? There are so many others out there that it seems to me that just not worth taking the risk of going through that pain again. I'd think about whether you were really falling for him or if it's just the possibility he represents at this point.

 

Once again, full disclosure that I may be bitter at this point due to the recency of my situation, and I do hope that it works out for you but I am just asking the questions I wish I'd asked myself months ago.

 

Letting it go without fanfare means letting him go as in no longer speaking with him or having any kind of relationship with him is what I mean. I don't mean letting the matter go and continue being involved with him, sorry if that wasn't clear.

[Susmay]

Any update MissBee?

[Lovemesomehim]

MissBee, why are you upset with him? It's not his responsibility to cover your heart, it's yours. People lie. People purposely hide important details about their lives out of selfish gain, being a compulsive liar and all the other reasons for deceiving others. It's our duties to investigate strangers. Atleast that's what I have learned during my journey of dating again, reading post on OW forums, etc. I always remember the phrase:Stranger Danger...lol