Lying destroys marriage !!

[Cindyb1]

I need help to try to get my husband back. I've hurt him so bad by lying to him for 7 years and it was something he knew about all along and tried to get me to tell him but I just couldn't . We were split up at the time and I had someone else and slept with them ..It took while for me to tell him that but I did after he kept prying and prying to get it out of me .

 

There were still parts of the story that wouldn't go together when I would tell him and he figured it out my memory isn't good so I would change the story forgetting what I told him the previous time . This whole time he would say just tell me we will deal with it or he wouldn't be mad if I would tell him I thought that he was just saying that to get me to then when I did he would leave me .. I really didn't think about the consequences of what I was doing this whole time just living in the moment being young and stupid about things ..

 

All these years later he finally prys the truth out of me that I slept with him in our house now my husband knew this the whole time I just couldn't own up to it Like I should have been the worst mistake of my life I wish I could take back . Now that I'm older I'm thinking more about everyone else's life that's involved like our 2 boys and my husband and how I've ruined everything my husband says he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce and is moving out but has been still staying here how can I show him how sorry I am and I'm not that young stupid girl anymore I want to try to do what's best for my family and hold it together for my kids..

Edited August 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pondhawk]

Is he willing to try counseling? Or is he completely done? Have you resolved the reason why you cheated in the first place?

[carhill]

Given the circumstances, I'm unclear if infidelity occurred.

 

1. The incident happened seven years ago

 

2. The spouses were 'split up' at the time and the OP 'had someone else and slept with him'

 

3. The husband later 'prys out' the truth that the OP slept with the someone else in their house while they were split up.

 

I guess it boils down to the individual's perceptions of what 'split up' meant and their agreement, or not, to be involved with other people during the split and how that carries forward to this day.

 

Personally, if he wants to leave, more power to him and I'd simply make a different choice this time, not becoming involved with another party, and leave the door to counseling and/or mediation open. Focus on the two boys and maintaining a stable household for them and whatever happens, happens.

 

Welcome to LS

[Cindyb1]

I never cheated on him we were split up his whole issue is with not being told the truth for so long when he tried to get me to tell him . I've mentioned counseling and he said he didn't need a counselor to get married he didn't need one now.. He has said somedays he feels like he can move past it and we have good days then there's days where he can't move past it and we have bad days . Not sure what to do?

[drifter777]

I never cheated on him we were split up his whole issue is with not being told the truth for so long when he tried to get me to tell him . I've mentioned counseling and he said he didn't need a counselor to get married he didn't need one now.. He has said somedays he feels like he can move past it and we have good days then there's days where he can't move past it and we have bad days . Not sure what to do?

 

Did the two of you agree that you would see other people while you were separated? Was he with other women during that time?

 

I don't believe it's solely about the lying. You withheld the truth about screwing this guy in your home because you knew it was something your husband would never accept. There is no other reason you would have withheld the truth.

 

His anger now is all about your sexual relationship with that other guy. He's held it in as long as he can and now it's boiling over. Yes, the lying is now the trigger but the anger, hurt, shame has all been right under the surface for years.

 

On the plus side, he's known that you had sex with the guy back then for all these years and has indicated he wants the two of you to move past it. My gut tells me he will accept this latest bomb and put it behind him because that is what he wants to do. Don't bring up the sex part - focus on the lying because that is what he wants to focus on. Show him you are sorry and want to make it up to him and I think he'll come around.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never cheated on him we were split up

 

I'm not sure he's owed the "truth" or any other explanation.

 

For how long were you separated? Did he date or get involved during the same period?

 

Lots left unsaid here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cindyb1]

We were separated for 6 months and yes he was involved with someone . But he also thinks our whole marriage since then has been a big lie because I didn't tell him the entire truth when he would ask. I would tell him things that were not true to avoid the whole thing hoping he would just leave it alone and somehow it always came back up every so often I would tell him something again and he would catch me in a lie from the previous time he ask cause I would forget what I told him .. This is my fault I should of just told him years ago about our house instead of waiting to long . He says he's done he can't get over it when he thinks about it he gets mad cause I held in the truth for so long when he's ask and begged me numerous times to tell him..

[road]

We were separated for 6 months and yes he was involved with someone . But he also thinks our whole marriage since then has been a big lie because I didn't tell him the entire truth when he would ask. I would tell him things that were not true to avoid the whole thing hoping he would just leave it alone and somehow it always came back up every so often I would tell him something again and he would catch me in a lie from the previous time he ask cause I would forget what I told him .. This is my fault I should of just told him years ago about our house instead of waiting to long . He says he's done he can't get over it when he thinks about it he gets mad cause I held in the truth for so long when he's ask and begged me numerous times to tell him..

 

Are you are still living in the same house now that you did your OM and, that you still have the same furniture you and your OM did it on?

[bubbaganoosh]

Are you are still living in the same house now that you did your OM and, that you still have the same furniture you and your OM did it on?

 

I think that's another thing stuck in his mind that he's sleeping in the same bed that the other guy had sex with his wife. That's cold brother, real cold.

[Artie Lang]

if you were split up and he was seeing someone at the time, i'm confused as to why he's upset about it now. i get that you've been keeping this from him all this time, but if he suspected, his attitude is confusing. might there be an underlying issue?

[Mr. Lucky]

his attitude is confusing. might there be an underlying issue?

 

Agreed, this is about something else. His outrage seems manufactured and designed manipulate you.

 

Don't play along. I'd tell him "what we each did during the 6 months apart is our own business, and for that exact reason I haven't asked you who, what and where". Stand your ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

Maybe he told his wife the truth about his situation when they were apart. Which allowed her to make an informed decision when they reconciled.

 

He didn't get an opportunity to make a fully informed decision because she lied to him for seven years. He only had suspicion. Maybe he would have made a different decision if he had known she was with another man in their marital bed. Maybe he could have done something different with the last seven years of his life.

[drifter777]

We were separated for 6 months and yes he was involved with someone .

When you say "involved" you mean he was having sex with her?

[qubist]

it is obvious that there is more in this story than just you sleeping with some guy during the split. if i had to guess, and I don't know that for sure,he is insecure and anxious, his insecurity added to you lying to him escalates his anxiety.

I know you don't necessary owe him an excuse for what you did during the split, but I would suggest you start there, Understand that he might not be acting right due to his feelings and the pain he is in now. show him that you are sorry that you lied and explain to him that you mistakenly though it would've been better if you hid the whole truth and you regret it now. tell him that you love him and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up for him

[goodyblue]

I'm sure there is a ton I don't know about this story, but for me it just seems like the husband's excuse to leave the marriage. I could be way off base but why, when you were separated would you: A- worry yourself sick over something that happened when you were doing the same thing. B-Hold it against your spouse, whatever did happen. C- Expect answers to questions you had no right to ask.

 

If you were interested in the marriage wouldn't you just let that stuff go? I'm sorry, I don't get it.

[autumnnight]

It's interesting. Both you AND your husband slept with others while separated, and no one here knows if the husband informed or not. I wonder why only YOU are seen as at fault....

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, he sounds sadistic.

 

I mean, who wants to know what kind of shenanigans our partners have been up to whilst separated? That is one can of worms you don't want to open.

 

You either want to get past the breakup and work on saving the marriage or you don't. Nitpicking and dwelling on the details of the past particularly during that cooling off period is VERY counterproductive.

 

I'm with those that say your hubby sounds like he has another agenda. Not sure what or why it is but it isn't healthy and he's making you pay the ultimate price.

 

Stop beating yourself over this. Although I might sympathize with your husband's feelings of being uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed his wife had sex with another man, your husband wasn't exactly a saint during this time either. He's being very hypocritical and unnecessarily cruel and using you as a scapegoat.

 

If you ask me he's going to milk this for all it's worth. He's got you exactly where he wants you; believing this is all YOUR fault. And that's simply not fair.

[understand50]

Honestly, he sounds sadistic.

 

I mean, who wants to know what kind of shenanigans our partners have been up to whilst separated? That is one can of worms you don't want to open.

 

You either want to get past the breakup and work on saving the marriage or you don't. Nitpicking and dwelling on the details of the past particularly during that cooling off period is VERY counterproductive.

 

I'm with those that say your hubby sounds like he has another agenda. Not sure what or why it is but it isn't healthy and he's making you pay the ultimate price.

 

Stop beating yourself over this. Although I might sympathize with your husband's feelings of being uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed his wife had sex with another man, your husband wasn't exactly a saint during this time either. He's being very hypocritical and unnecessarily cruel and using you as a scapegoat.

 

If you ask me he's going to milk this for all it's worth. He's got you exactly where he wants you; believing this is all YOUR fault. And that's simply not fair.

 

Cindyb1,

 

Michelle ma Belle, has a good take on all this. Looks like he could not handle you sleeping with someone else when you were both separated. Your not "coming" clean is his mantra.

 

OK, some questions:

 

a) Has he given you a whole and true account on what he did and with who?

 

b) Was the partner you slept with someone, or someway you are ashamed of?

 

c) Did you both agree not to get involved with others during your separations? Did you both consider yourself married?

 

d) Why did you separate in the first place?

 

Myself, I would offer to have full discloser, if he does as well. As for your "shading" the true, he will have to accept or not, hopefully in light of what he has done. I think other things are going on. Lying can and does wreck a marriage. As this happened during your marriage, you both should have come clean on what happen to each other. You both need MC, but he seems to be looking for an issue to leave you.

 

On a side note, this is a good example of why you should make some rules and understanding when you separate, and especially there is a chance of the marriage continuing. A separation is not a divorce, or a "hall pass". Your wedding vows still apply.

 

I wish you luck,

[Mr. Lucky]

When you say "involved" you mean he was having sex with her?

 

How would she know other than what he might tell her, true or not?

 

That's why separation is preparation for divorce rather than a test of marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

So either they both cheated, or neither one did. Sorry, this isn't an evil woman scenario...unless they both are

[SSJROMANCE]

Did he have sex with the other woman? And if he said no is that why you are lying because you felt bad that you did? What was your agreement during the split? Was there one? He may be angry because maybe there was an assumption (and for good reason) that the split was to just be apart to work on ones self for the better of the marriage or to give the marriage a break without bringing anyone else into the mix. A lot of people would find it disrespectful and a betrayal to be with other people if you are still married and trying to working things out even though you did split.

 

My wife and I broke up after two years of dating. I went out with another girl for dinner and to the lake but never touched her out of respect for my ex-girlfriend. Wasn't nowhere ready for another relationship after breaking up with her. She, on the other hand, had a one night stand with a guy she just met two weeks after we broke up and banging him 4 times throughout the night. I felt disrespected and betrayed that she did that and lied to me when I asked her after getting back together.

 

So even though you said you have grown up the damage has been done. Sex is sex even if you were not emotionally into the guy your husband is going to have a hard time picturing you with another guy. You left a lot of stuff out so it's hard for me to give you any advice based on my experiences. If you can please fill in the blanks.

[autumnnight]

Here's the thing...if you are dating and not married and you break up, it's over. There is no "waiting period," so no, it is NOT cheating.

 

In a marriage/separation it is/can be more murky. My take is that unless the final paperwork is just a formality and it's a done deal, then you are no longer together. BUT, if the stated reason for the split was to think things through, then there is NO excuse for seeing others...not even dinner.

 

A lot of people want to have their thing and then change the rules afterward in order to feel vindicated and superior.

[understand50]

Here's the thing...if you are dating and not married and you break up, it's over. There is no "waiting period," so no, it is NOT cheating.

 

In a marriage/separation it is/can be more murky. My take is that unless the final paperwork is just a formality and it's a done deal, then you are no longer together. BUT, if the stated reason for the split was to think things through, then there is NO excuse for seeing others...not even dinner.

 

A lot of people want to have their thing and then change the rules afterward in order to feel vindicated and superior.

 

OK, so what advise can we give Cindyb1, now to help her now? The whole "sleeping with someone else" while separated thing is bad, no doubt.

 

Cindy,

 

I would treat this as both of you have to come clean and both of you have to work on the marriage to regain trust and if both of you cannot, a divorce is in order.

 

If you would like ideas on how to work on the marriage, we can help. If you need thoughts on how to protect yourself and kids during a divorce, we can help. For myself, I favor reconciliation when ever possible, but both sides have to work on it and be invested in the marriage. You husband need to buy into it. I think that you both need IC, and MC to move on from this. If you wont, or you can not afford it, there are ways that will work.

 

I wish you luck, and please keep posting.

[drifter777]

Here's the thing...if you are dating and not married and you break up, it's over. There is no "waiting period," so no, it is NOT cheating.

 

In a marriage/separation it is/can be more murky. My take is that unless the final paperwork is just a formality and it's a done deal, then you are no longer together. BUT, if the stated reason for the split was to think things through, then there is NO excuse for seeing others...not even dinner.

 

A lot of people want to have their thing and then change the rules afterward in order to feel vindicated and superior.

Yes, I strongly agree with this because it happened to me. At first we were simply preparing for divorce and I didn't care one bit about her dating an old flame. But a couple months later we decided that we wanted to make our marriage work and were dedicated to reconciliation. I kept my apartment because of the lease but stayed with her & son at our home, going to my place only to take care of the business of renting with my roommate (BiL). Two months in she cheated. No difference than cheating at any point during our marriage.

 

We discussed it and were clear as to our commitment to reconciling and to not see other people while that was in progress. Lot's of couples are working to reconcile during separation but don't make the dating rules clear. Then if one of them gets the chance to get some strange and they do it, they use the "we were separated" thing as their reason. Again, that's fine if both of them agree to that or they are clearly moving toward divorce, but it's cheating if they haven't agreed to it.

[drifter777]

How would she know other than what he might tell her, true or not?

 

That's why separation is preparation for divorce rather than a test of marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yeah - I didn't figure she watched them. Of course I mean what he told her or, put another way, to her knowledge.

 

And no, separation is not automatically preparation for divorce. It can be a way for both parties to clear their head and decide how they feel about the marriage. It can be a safety valve when the drama becomes overwhelming at home. The vast majority of "separations" and not of the legal kind and are simply a break from the day to day in order to gain a better perspective. Some couple might decide that seeing other people is part of that process - most don't. Of course many times separation is nothing but preparing for and then waiting for the ink to dry on the divorce decree. That is a totally different kind of separation.