Lying destroys marriage !!

[Cindyb1]

First I want to say it's been actually longer than I thought it was in 2006 . Yes I knew he had slept with someone else when we got back together . No we were not even married yet . He also knew I had slept with someone else as well but it wasn't like I just openly told him he kinda pryed bits and pieces out of me until until I would tell him .. No we don't live in the same house as we did then or have the same bed. One of the bad things is I should have just told him where I had sex at to begin with instead of making up stories then he would see that wouldn't make sense and ask me again later on my memory is horrible so I'd forget what I said and tell him another story so I wouldn't have to tell him about having sex in our bed I've drug these little lying stories out all these years and now he knows and it's been a nightmare since he thinks everything has been a lie or anything I say is a lie not that I didn't want to just tell him I did I was scared to when I should of just told him anyway when he would beg me just tell him the truth when he knew I was lying .. I regret it so much

[autumnnight]

The retroactive lying thing....

 

Here is my take. If you knew something was up before you married the person, you do not then get to whine as some kind of power play years down the road.

 

IF you had no idea and find out 20 years down the road...that IS a terrible thing. You have a choice (as an adult). You take into account what kind of spouse they have been for 20 years, or you define them by 20 years ago and cut your losses. IF you stay AND bludgeon them with 20 years ago....you are basically an ass who wants to have a trump card.

 

If a man (or woman, but this seems to be a male phenomenon) cannot handle what someone did years ago before they married or cannot handle that he didn't know about it at the time, then divorce. If you're going to stay, be a real spouse.

[SammySammy]

First I want to say it's been actually longer than I thought it was in 2006 . Yes I knew he had slept with someone else when we got back together . No we were not even married yet . He also knew I had slept with someone else as well but it wasn't like I just openly told him he kinda pryed bits and pieces out of me until until I would tell him .. No we don't live in the same house as we did then or have the same bed. One of the bad things is I should have just told him where I had sex at to begin with instead of making up stories then he would see that wouldn't make sense and ask me again later on my memory is horrible so I'd forget what I said and tell him another story so I wouldn't have to tell him about having sex in our bed I've drug these little lying stories out all these years and now he knows and it's been a nightmare since he thinks everything has been a lie or anything I say is a lie not that I didn't want to just tell him I did I was scared to when I should of just told him anyway when he would beg me just tell him the truth when he knew I was lying .. I regret it so much

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, dear.

 

You made a mistake. We've all made mistakes. I know I can look back on my life and wish I done so many things differently.

 

What is done is done. Learn from it and move forward. Remember the lesson and strive to be the best partner you can be. That's all you can do at this point.

[drifter777]

First I want to say it's been actually longer than I thought it was in 2006 . Yes I knew he had slept with someone else when we got back together . No we were not even married yet . He also knew I had slept with someone else as well but it wasn't like I just openly told him he kinda pryed bits and pieces out of me until until I would tell him .. No we don't live in the same house as we did then or have the same bed. One of the bad things is I should have just told him where I had sex at to begin with instead of making up stories then he would see that wouldn't make sense and ask me again later on my memory is horrible so I'd forget what I said and tell him another story so I wouldn't have to tell him about having sex in our bed I've drug these little lying stories out all these years and now he knows and it's been a nightmare since he thinks everything has been a lie or anything I say is a lie not that I didn't want to just tell him I did I was scared to when I should of just told him anyway when he would beg me just tell him the truth when he knew I was lying .. I regret it so much

Thanks, this clarifies things a lot. It sounds like the two of you were committed but then something happened and you both decided to take a break and see other people because you guys getting back together wasn't a given. It frames things differently, for sure, but men are very fragile when it comes to their woman having sex with other guys. Just because it doesn't make sense to me to hold the things you did during that time against you, his anger over the lying about it afterwards is something I do understand. What it does is cast doubt over everything you have told him regarding your interactions with the opposite sex. Everything from wondering just what you did, sexually, while you were apart to have you cheated on him since you got back together. From his perspective he can easily imagine that you've been cheating and keeping it from him in order to "spare him" from the ugly truth. If it truly is all about the lying over the sex in your bed and has nothing to do with other insecurities then I'm pretty sure you can repair the damage. If he's questioning everything and his insecurities are running wild in his mind then it could take a long while for him to be willing to work on this with you. It will also take a lot of hard work for you to rebuild trust and prove to him that you are no longer a liar and are willing to be open and honest about anything - prior sex life included.

 

Look, maybe none of this is "fair" and I'll be the first to agree with that. However you seem to be of the mind that you want to make this right and reconcile with him. If that's the case then you'll have to decide if you would rather stand on what's fair or want your husband back. Would you rather be right or happy?

[autumnnight]

Look, maybe none of this is "fair" and I'll be the first to agree with that. However you seem to be of the mind that you want to make this right and reconcile with him. If that's the case then you'll have to decide if you would rather stand on what's fair or want your husband back. Would you rather be right or happy?

 

This works as long as we understand that for most wives, being happy includes a husband that does NOT hold something over her head...

[drifter777]

The retroactive lying thing....

 

Here is my take. If you knew something was up before you married the person, you do not then get to whine as some kind of power play years down the road.

 

IF you had no idea and find out 20 years down the road...that IS a terrible thing. You have a choice (as an adult). You take into account what kind of spouse they have been for 20 years, or you define them by 20 years ago and cut your losses. IF you stay AND bludgeon them with 20 years ago....you are basically an ass who wants to have a trump card.

 

If a man (or woman, but this seems to be a male phenomenon) cannot handle what someone did years ago before they married or cannot handle that he didn't know about it at the time, then divorce. If you're going to stay, be a real spouse.

 

Your "rules" do not apply to all of us. What you think is fair or right may very well be in line with what most of us believe - especially in this case. However, each case is different and, like I said previously, she might need to simply decide if she would rather be righteous or happily married.

[autumnnight]

Your "rules" do not apply to all of us. What you think is fair or right may very well be in line with what most of us believe - especially in this case. However, each case is different and, like I said previously, she might need to simply decide if she would rather be righteous or happily married.

 

AND....she can't be happily married if he won't let it go.

 

Shall I point to a variety of specific examples illustrating this point?

[drifter777]

AND....she can't be happily married if he won't let it go.

 

Shall I point to a variety of specific examples illustrating this point?

Of course I agree. Are you angry because I don't agree that your points are the only valid ones? I thought we all understood that there's more than one way to approach every life issue.

[Artie Lang]

so it seems that he's angry because you had sex with the guy in the home/bed you're occupying right now, correct? because he has no business being mad at you for seeing someone else and sleeping with him, if he was doing the same.

[understand50]

This works as long as we understand that for most wives, being happy includes a husband that does NOT hold something over her head...

 

Yes, if the marriage is to survive, the husband is going to have to let it go and not bring it up all the time.

 

Thanks, this clarifies things a lot. It sounds like the two of you were committed but then something happened and you both decided to take a break and see other people because you guys getting back together wasn't a given. It frames things differently, for sure, but men are very fragile when it comes to their woman having sex with other guys. Just because it doesn't make sense to me to hold the things you did during that time against you, his anger over the lying about it afterwards is something I do understand. What it does is cast doubt over everything you have told him regarding your interactions with the opposite sex. Everything from wondering just what you did, sexually, while you were apart to have you cheated on him since you got back together. From his perspective he can easily imagine that you've been cheating and keeping it from him in order to "spare him" from the ugly truth. If it truly is all about the lying over the sex in your bed and has nothing to do with other insecurities then I'm pretty sure you can repair the damage. If he's questioning everything and his insecurities are running wild in his mind then it could take a long while for him to be willing to work on this with you. It will also take a lot of hard work for you to rebuild trust and prove to him that you are no longer a liar and are willing to be open and honest about anything - prior sex life included.

 

Look, maybe none of this is "fair" and I'll be the first to agree with that. However you seem to be of the mind that you want to make this right and reconcile with him. If that's the case then you'll have to decide if you would rather stand on what's fair or want your husband back. Would you rather be right or happy?

 

I think that drifter777, has hit the nail on the head here. So the question is what advise do we give to Cindy?

 

Cindy,

 

Here is my take. The sexual past of spouse should remain private, unless that past impacts the present marriage or relationship.

 

Looks like it is impacting. At this point, I would try and be open as possible with him, but I would insist on this being a two street. He has got to tell you what he did to the same detail he wants out of you. You also need to get him to agree, and hold him to it, that once you and he explain your sexual past to each other, that puts a end to it. You should not be beat up on what you did before you were a committed couple.

 

He needs IC, as he has issues with your past, and needs to learn how to deal with it. You need to not apologize for what you did. You did not cheat, you were single and available. The only thing that he, or you, should be concerned on is how you have lived you life after you became a couple.

 

What is happening is hard. The issue is with him, but you can help by being open and reminding him of his family and how you have been as a wife. Ask him if he wants to lose that. From your post, I think you are implying that you have told him all, but that he does not believe you, or the fact you had sex in the house you both HAD lived it he is finding hard to deal with. You may remind him, it was your house at the time, because he had left.

 

Your man needs help, because he will have the same issues with the next woman if he leaves you. Maybe you should play some hard ball, and tell him that you are about at the end of your rope, and if he does not seek IC, you may leave.

 

Wish you the best.

[autumnnight]

so it seems that he's angry because you had sex with the guy in the home/bed you're occupying right now, correct? because he has no business being mad at you for seeing someone else and sleeping with him, if he was doing the same.

 

She has stated that they no longer live in that house

[Artie Lang]

then i don't know what the f@ck his problem is. if he's not gonna let this go and gonna make your life a living hell for it, might as well let him go. you don't deserve to be treated like this.

[goodyblue]

Tell him to get off his high horse. He had a relationship too and whatever happened while you were not together is yours. It is not for him to decide whether you share or not.

 

If he is threatening to divorce over this, I'd let him. Obviously he is making excuses.

[BetrayedH]

Hmm. I guess I'm a fairly lone voice for my perspective.

 

I don't think this has much at all to do with the fact that she slept with another guy. And nothing she's posted says that her husband has issues with the fact that she slept with another guy either. This isn't cheating or infidelity or even retroactive jealousy and it's posted in the wrong forum.

 

This has everything to do with the title of the thread and the theme that the OP continues to share: that her repeated LYING for the last nine years has ruined her marriage. Now it's quite possible that I'm a rarity these days but honesty in a marriage is paramount in my book. My spouse is my partner in all things in life. It's my spouse and I against the world. We have no secrets and tell each other no lies. We always have each others' backs.

 

If my partner for all things in life has no problem lying straight to my face (which, in this case, happened repeatedly over nine years) then I'll prefer to have NO partner, thanks. A partner that lies to me is no partner at all.

 

Does the fact that she lied about sex with another guy help the scenario? Certainly not. It'd make me think she'd be fine with lying about infidelity, too. Or any other host of things. But I think the "sex" aspect of this conversation is a distraction.

 

OP, you need to offer complete transparency, answer any questions that he has with complete honesty, life your life as an open book, self-enroll in individual counseling to show your husband that you're serious about living an honest and authentic life, and then throw yourself on the mercy of your husband to forgive nine years of lying.

[BetrayedH]

He had a relationship too and whatever happened while you were not together is yours. It is not for him to decide whether you share or not.

 

I would agree with this except that it's not the argument she chose to make for the last nine years. She could have made the argument that whatever happened during their separation was her individual business and it was going to stay that way. Personally, it wouldn't fly with me but it would have been an honest answer and her future husband could have made an informed decision about moving forward under that arrangement.

 

But she didn't do that. She handed him a bunch of crap lies, married him under false pretenses, and kept it up for nine years. If I were her husband and had to suffer repeatedly changing stories for nine years, I'd conclude that she was a LIAR. And I'd want to divorce myself from that.

Edited August 11, 2015 by BetrayedH

[drifter777]

I would agree with this except that it's not the argument she chose to make for the last nine years. She could have made the argument that whatever happened during their separation was her individual business and it was going to stay that way. Personally, it wouldn't fly with me but it would have been an honest answer and her future husband could have made an informed decision about moving forward under that arrangement.

 

But she didn't do that. She handed him a bunch of crap lies, married him under false pretenses, and kept it up for nine years. If I were her husband and had to suffer repeatedly changing stories for nine years, I'd conclude that she was a LIAR. And I'd want to divorce myself from that.

 

I think that it's more than just the lie - it's what the lie was about. Think about it - would he have such a visceral a response to any lie? This is something that is clearly very important to him as opposed to her lying about a speeding ticket or whatever for all these years. I think the sex part of this is much more responsible than the lying in and of itself. Us men can be pretty unpredictable when it comes to our women having sex with other men.

[deadelvis]

Hmm. I guess I'm a fairly lone voice for my perspective.

 

I don't think this has much at all to do with the fact that she slept with another guy. And nothing she's posted says that her husband has issues with the fact that she slept with another guy either. This isn't cheating or infidelity or even retroactive jealousy and it's posted in the wrong forum.

 

This has everything to do with the title of the thread and the theme that the OP continues to share: that her repeated LYING for the last nine years has ruined her marriage. Now it's quite possible that I'm a rarity these days but honesty in a marriage is paramount in my book. My spouse is my partner in all things in life. It's my spouse and I against the world. We have no secrets and tell each other no lies. We always have each others' backs.

 

If my partner for all things in life has no problem lying straight to my face (which, in this case, happened repeatedly over nine years) then I'll prefer to have NO partner, thanks. A partner that lies to me is no partner at all.

 

Does the fact that she lied about sex with another guy help the scenario? Certainly not. It'd make me think she'd be fine with lying about infidelity, too. Or any other host of things. But I think the "sex" aspect of this conversation is a distraction.

 

OP, you need to offer complete transparency, answer any questions that he has with complete honesty, life your life as an open book, self-enroll in individual counseling to show your husband that you're serious about living an honest and authentic life, and then throw yourself on the mercy of your husband to forgive nine years of lying.

^^^^This... x1000.

[goodyblue]

I would agree with this except that it's not the argument she chose to make for the last nine years. She could have made the argument that whatever happened during their separation was her individual business and it was going to stay that way. Personally, it wouldn't fly with me but it would have been an honest answer and her future husband could have made an informed decision about moving forward under that arrangement.

 

But she didn't do that. She handed him a bunch of crap lies, married him under false pretenses, and kept it up for nine years. If I were her husband and had to suffer repeatedly changing stories for nine years, I'd conclude that she was a LIAR. And I'd want to divorce myself from that.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say that. We all have pasts, we sometimes minimize them.

 

The question that is bothering me is, if they have been married for... what was it, seven years? Have two kids, why can't HE let it go? Why is what happened when they were apart part of their marriage? That is HIS weirdness in my opinion.

[BetrayedH]

I wouldn't go so far as to say that. We all have pasts, we sometimes minimize them.

 

The question that is bothering me is, if they have been married for... what was it, seven years? Have two kids, why can't HE let it go? Why is what happened when they were apart part of their marriage? That is HIS weirdness in my opinion.

 

I guess I don't see it as something that she did back in 2006. It's that his gut told him that she was lying about it and that she continued to lie to his face about it every time she was asked up until, what, last week or something? She only stopped lying to her husband because her lies just eventually crumbled apart. As he told her, he feels the entirety of his marriage has been a lie.

 

It's not that I don't feel for the OP. It's just that repeated lying to the one person that trusts you makes them feel that you're a liar. And he doesn't want to be married to someone that lies to him for the entire duration of his marriage. This is a consequence of her actions, plain and simple.

 

Now if he chooses to stay and she remains honest for the next nine years and he's still harping on her about it, I think you've got a case. For him now, he just discovered nine years of lies. It's not about what happened then. It's about what's been happening the whole marriage.

 

Very unfortunate choices made by the OP that will affect her, her H, and her kids. True remorse is her only angle right now. If she plays some kind of, "It was nine years ago; get over it" card, the marriage is toast.

[Quiet Storm]

I understand him. If I found out my husband was lying to me for many years, I would feel very betrayed. Especially if I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth. It sounds like he basically gave her amnesty at one point, yet she continued to lie. If my husband did that, I would think he was weak. I'd wonder what else he was too afraid to tell me. I'd wonder, what drives his choices? Fear or love? Do I want to be with someone where a fear of conflict is powerful enough to compromise his integrity and damage our relationship with lies?

 

This idea that just because it's been X many years since the original lie was told and all should be forgiven is just BS, IMO.

 

You can forgive lies, you can understand why someone told them, you can sympathize, you can not even really care about what the lie was about... but all of that doesn't stop you from questioning a spouse's character. Most intelligent people would logically think "what else have they lied to me about?

[road]

I wouldn't go so far as to say that. We all have pasts, we sometimes minimize them.

 

The question that is bothering me is, if they have been married for... what was it, seven years? Have two kids, why can't HE let it go? Why is what happened when they were apart part of their marriage? That is HIS weirdness in my opinion.

 

Problem people are realizing is that his WW cheated on him then trickled truthed him for many years after.

 

 

This trickle truthing prevents many BH's from forgetting about the affair and leaving it in the past. I know of BH's that have been trickled truthed for decades. They have remained married though recovery stalled and never got completed because of trickle truth.

 

 

The WW knew the whole story. Without unanswered questions haunting her she was able to leave the affair in the past and forget it.

 

 

She could not or would not see that leaving her BH with unanswered questions would keep her BH thinking about the affair in the now instead of leaving it in the past.

[Quiet Storm]

OP, be real with him. Tell him your true feelings, 100%. Apologize and hope for the best. And no more lies.

[goodyblue]

Problem people are realizing is that his WW cheated on him then trickled truthed him for many years after.

 

 

This trickle truthing prevents many BH's from forgetting about the affair and leaving it in the past. I know of BH's that have been trickled truthed for decades. They have remained married though recovery stalled and never got completed because of trickle truth.

 

 

The WW knew the whole story. Without unanswered questions haunting her she was able to leave the affair in the past and forget it.

 

 

She could not or would not see that leaving her BH with unanswered questions would keep her BH thinking about the affair in the now instead of leaving it in the past.

 

I.do not know what you are reading but they were not together, her h had another relationship and she is not obliged to tell him anything.

 

I do.agree that she should have just told him she was leaving it in the past.

[Quiet Storm]

I.do not know what you are reading but they were not together, her h had another relationship and she is not obliged to tell him anything.

 

I do.agree that she should have just told him she was leaving it in the past.

 

Then she should've just said "it's none of your business what I did when we were apart" and let him decide whether he can live with not ever knowing. They weren't together when she was with another guy, but they were certainly together when she lied and kept lying.

 

What people aren't getting is that the bond is not being broken because of her actions while they were apart. The bond is broken because of the lies. A couple needs to know they've got each other's back. A couple needs to be real with each other, not filter out what their spouse won't be happy about or manipulate truth to make it more palatable. That's just disrespectful. Even if you can sympathize with their reasoning, it changes the way you perceive them. If any of us finds out someone important in our lives has been lying to us for years about something that we obviously feel strongly about, how could that not negatively impact a relationship?

[goodyblue]

Then she should've just said "it's none of your business what I did when we were apart" and let him decide whether he can live with not ever knowing. They weren't together when she was with another guy, but they were certainly together when she lied and kept lying.

 

What people aren't getting is that the bond is not being broken because of her actions while they were apart. The bond is broken because of the lies. A couple needs to know they've got each other's back. A couple needs to be real with each other, not filter out what their spouse won't be happy about or manipulate truth to make it more palatable. That's just disrespectful. Even if you can sympathize with their reasoning, it changes the way you perceive them. If any of us finds out someone important in our lives has been lying to us for years about something that we obviously feel strongly about, how could that not negatively impact a relationship?

 

 

That's what I said.