Lying destroys marriage !!

[road]

Unhealthy relationships come from being unable to let stuff go. Sorry.

 

Lying enabled this relationship to live.

 

 

The truth would of done one of two things. Repair it or end it.

 

 

There are endless excuses for lying.

 

 

There is not one justification for lying.

[road]

Oh I don't know. How about letting go of the fact that his wife doesn't want to hash and rehash something that happened years ago, that she doesn't want to share all the details? It is obvious she doesn't or she would have. He got back together with her knowing that she was holding back and then pestered her for years. That is as much his fault as hers. IF he couldn't live without knowing, why did he have kids with her? Yes, she should have just told him she was not going to divulge, but he should have stopped obsessing. He asked her about it enough over the years that her story kept changing because she didn't want to talk about it. He is as much the problem as the lie. He is the punisher. She doesn't need to be punished like a child. She should leave him.

 

She was brave enough to do the OM she has no excuse to not be brave enough to tell her husband about it.

 

 

If she told the full truth there would be no need for rehashing.

 

 

She is/was in full control to end her punishment from the first time her husband asked her about the OM. Her withholding the truth has caused her own punishment and her husbands.

[road]

It is my understanding from the OP that he pried and pried and she finally told him she slept with him. Then, as time went on he kept on prying until she finally admitted she'd slept with him in their house.

 

 

 

 

Why do you think he pried because he needed info like that to purge the OM from his house. Time for a OM soiled bed barn fire.

 

 

He also had a relationship. I wonder if she bugged and bugged him about every detail?

 

 

 

Common knowledge that every BS gets to control how much of the truth they hear for every BS has different needs of how much detail they need. Obvious this wife had less need then her husband. That does not mean her husband has to adopt the same level of need as her's.

 

 

 

He's punishing her by divorcing her after he already knew she'd been with someone else. She said a couple of times he knew.

 

It's dumb to ruin a relationship (that you entered knowing she'd slept with someone while you were apart) seven years later. He should have just left her then. Passive aggressive, punishing, wasting of years.

 

 

 

 

Dumber to date before the divorce is final.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think it's weird to want an honest spouse.

 

I also don't think it's dysfunctional to ask your spouse for the truth about something. It's not like he is paranoid and being irrational- his gut feeling was right.

 

I think it's more dysfunctional to brush lies under the rug.

 

Honesty is essential in a marriage, in my opinion. If honesty and integrity isn't important for some people (maybe because a certain amount of time has passed or because they understand the reasoning behind the lie), that's OK. But is not dysfunctional to be upset about a spouse's lies. It's healthy and normal.

 

It's not even the lie itself that would bother me- it's just that it would cause me to see them in a different light. The confidence that I had in my marriage- the things that I know-he loves me, he respects me, he wants an authentic intimate connection with me- those would all be in question after a lie like that.

 

Marriage isn't a situation where you wake up with a clean slate everyday. The things that you do matter. Lies matter. Respect matters.

 

How can you be happy "in the moment" and live in the "here and now" if you question the character of the person you are married to? How can you be confident in the depth of your intimate relationship if your spouse can't even be real with you? How can you know that you are in an authentic relationship if your spouse lies and filters out truths that you won't like? Those would be my issues, if this has happened to me.

[ladydesigner]

OP all you can do is apologize for the lying and work on you. I think every WS here (including myself as I had a revenge A) lied about their A to some extent or another. You didn't cheat during the M and you said he had a relationship as well.

 

I have a question, why didn't you tell him you were in a relationship when he was in one?

 

Has your H told you everything about his relationship while separated?

 

I feel I am not getting the entire story. I do think it is a bit over the top since he had a relationship as well.

 

Lying is detrimental, but you can always work on yourself OP and try to forgive yourself. People usually lie to protect themselves and it is sometimes a learned behavior from childhood. In my case I was taught by my mom to always lie to my dad to prevent him from being upset. I have had to work on this trait. My WH is even worse and his childhood was abusive. He lied so as not to get abused.

 

Keep working on yourself OP that is the most important thing. Maybe your H will come around maybe not, but at least you can be healthy for yourself.

[goodyblue]

I don't think it's weird to want an honest spouse.

 

I also don't think it's dysfunctional to ask your spouse for the truth about something. It's not like he is paranoid and being irrational- his gut feeling was right.

 

I think it's more dysfunctional to brush lies under the rug.

 

Honesty is essential in a marriage, in my opinion. If honesty and integrity isn't important for some people (maybe because a certain amount of time has passed or because they understand the reasoning behind the lie), that's OK. But is not dysfunctional to be upset about a spouse's lies. It's healthy and normal.

 

It's not even the lie itself that would bother me- it's just that it would cause me to see them in a different light. The confidence that I had in my marriage- the things that I know-he loves me, he respects me, he wants an authentic intimate connection with me- those would all be in question after a lie like that.

 

Marriage isn't a situation where you wake up with a clean slate everyday. The things that you do matter. Lies matter. Respect matters.

 

How can you be happy "in the moment" and live in the "here and now" if you question the character of the person you are married to? How can you be confident in the depth of your intimate relationship if your spouse can't even be real with you? How can you know that you are in an authentic relationship if your spouse lies and filters out truths that you won't like? Those would be my issues, if this has happened to me.

 

They were not together at the time. They were separated and he also had a relationship. She doesn't have to share that info.

[goodyblue]

It is my understanding from the OP that he pried and pried and she finally told him she slept with him. Then, as time went on he kept on prying until she finally admitted she'd slept with him in their house.

 

 

 

 

Why do you think he pried because he needed info like that to purge the OM from his house. Time for a OM soiled bed barn fire.

 

 

He also had a relationship. I wonder if she bugged and bugged him about every detail?

 

 

 

Common knowledge that every BS gets to control how much of the truth they hear for every BS has different needs of how much detail they need. Obvious this wife had less need then her husband. That does not mean her husband has to adopt the same level of need as her's.

 

 

 

He's punishing her by divorcing her after he already knew she'd been with someone else. She said a couple of times he knew.

 

It's dumb to ruin a relationship (that you entered knowing she'd slept with someone while you were apart) seven years later. He should have just left her then. Passive aggressive, punishing, wasting of years.

 

 

 

 

Dumber to date before the divorce is final.

 

She did not have an affair. They were not together and he also had a relationship at the time. She is under no obligation to tell him about the relationship. They should just move on, or divorce. I wouldn't let anyone hold that crap over my head for years.

[deadelvis]

I agree with what I would assume to be the male replies to this thread (coincidence? perhaps not. what does that say about male vs. female outlooks on this issue? does this suggest that men place a higher value on honesty within a relationship whereas women consider a lie by omission to have little significance?)

 

Again, as it has been stated numerous times. It's not the sex. It's the lies.

 

There are many types of relationships. Monogamous, open, swinger, etc.

But there is a common foundation that all relationships share. Trust and honesty. The two are inextricably linked. You can't have trust without honesty. You can't have a relationship without trust.

 

My partner has lied to me (3 times I think?) in the past about really pointless things. Stupid stuff like which guys she hooked up with before we started dating. She told me these lies to protect herself. That's usually why people lie. I don't care about her hooking up with some guy 5 years ago. Not even an issue. But when she looked me right in the eye and said "Oh no me and Walter are just friends. We have never had sex." And my gut instinct said "she's lying". So I pried and the truth trickled out. (FYI, trickle truth is the most cowardly thing in the world, grow a pair, seriously)

 

Now she had the option of saying "that's none of your business" or saying "yes we did but it was a long time ago and it's not a big deal" but she didn't say either of those things. She looked me right in the eye and said "No".

 

Once I pried the truth out of her it absolutely crushed my ability to trust her. Admitting to something insignificant or even just refusing to answer are not going to destroy a relationship, in fact IMO, sharing difficult truths build trust and actually strengthens a relationship. Now every time we talk about anything, I struggle to believe her. I can't let go of the fact that deep down in my heart I believe she is a liar. She swore she'd never lie to me again. But after thousands of dollars worth of couples counseling, I still wake up every day thinking she's a liar and a coward. Now how much easier would it have been just to say "It's none of your business". Never lie to your partner. It's a death sentence for the relationship.

Edited August 13, 2015 by deadelvis

[goodyblue]

I agree with what I would assume to be the male replies to this thread (coincidence? perhaps not. what does that say about male vs. female outlooks on this issue? does this suggest that men place a higher value on honesty within a relationship whereas women consider a lie by omission to have little significance?)

 

Again, as it has been stated numerous times. It's not the sex. It's the lies.

 

There are many types of relationships. Monogamous, open, swinger, etc.

But there is a common foundation that all relationships share. Trust and honesty. The two are inextricably linked. You can't have trust without honesty. You can't have a relationship without trust.

 

My partner has lied to me (3 times I think?) in the past about really pointless things. Stupid stuff like which guys she hooked up with before we started dating. She told me these lies to protect herself. That's usually why people lie. I don't care about her hooking up with some guy 5 years ago. Not even an issue. But when she looked me right in the eye and said "Oh no me and Walter are just friends. We have never had sex." And my gut instinct said "she's lying". So I pried and the truth trickled out. (FYI, trickle truth is the most cowardly thing in the world, grow a pair, seriously)

 

Now she had the option of saying "that's none of your business" or saying "yes we did but it was a long time ago and it's not a big deal" but she didn't say either of those things. She looked me right in the eye and said "No".

 

Once I pried the truth out of her it absolutely crushed my ability to trust her. Admitting to something insignificant or even just refusing to answer are not going to destroy a relationship. Now every time we talk about anything, I struggle to believe her. I can't let go of the fact that deep down in my heart I believe she is a liar. She swore she'd never lie to me again. But after thousands of dollars worth of couples counseling, I still wake up every day thinking she's a liar and a coward. Now how much easier would it have been just to say "It's none of your business". Never lie to your partner. It's a death sentence for the relationship.

 

I agree. Her only mistake was not telling him it is none of his business.

[deadelvis]

I agree. Her only mistake was not telling him it is none of his business.

 

Or just the truth. He had another relationship and I doubt he lied about it. And I doubt he even said "it's none of your business". He probably told her the truth. That's what you do when you aren't a liar and a coward. You tell the truth.

 

Sorry OP, not trying to be harsh.

[drifter777]

Or just the truth. He had another relationship and I doubt he lied about it. And I doubt he even said "it's none of your business". He probably told her the truth. That's what you do when you aren't a liar and a coward. You tell the truth.

 

Sorry OP, not trying to be harsh.

You said it yourself. The reason she lied was to protect herself. She believed that screwing OM in "his" bed could be a deal-breaker so she chose to lie. I think that most people faced with the same circumstances would lie just to avoid a potential nasty confrontation. Not saying it's right, just that I understand.

 

To say that the sex had nothing to do with this is ignoring the obvious. Technically it may not be about the sex but emotionally it is. Why else would her lie make him angry enough to leave her? If she lied about how much the wedding really cost and he found out about it now it wouldn't cause this kind of uproar. She did the other guy in their bed and wouldn't own up to it. He knows the reason that she didn't come clean is that she was ashamed for doing it and was afraid he'd go ballistic at the time. It's because of what she lied about that is causing him to react to this extreme. This whole thing doesn't seem complicated at all.

[road]

She did not have an affair. They were not together and he also had a relationship at the time. She is under no obligation to tell him about the relationship. They should just move on, or divorce. I wouldn't let anyone hold that crap over my head for years.

 

Separated is not divorced.

 

 

If anyone has read threads on infidelity for any length of time they will have read endless stories were recovery was greatly impeded because of one of those spouses dated someone else during the separation. The pain to the other spouse is the same as if there was no separation and this dating took place.

[goodyblue]

Separated is not divorced.

 

 

If anyone has read threads on infidelity for any length of time they will have read endless stories were recovery was greatly impeded because of one of those spouses dated someone else during the separation. The pain to the other spouse is the same as if there was no separation and this dating took place.

 

They both did. Even. Move on.

[MJJean]

She did not have an affair. They were not together and he also had a relationship at the time. She is under no obligation to tell him about the relationship. They should just move on, or divorce. I wouldn't let anyone hold that crap over my head for years.

 

They weren't together, so I agree there was no cheating.

 

I agree. Her only mistake was not telling him it is none of his business.

 

No, her mistake was LYING FOR 7 YEARS!

 

If you re-read her post, she says he "knew" as in "he suspected". She lied for YEARS before she finally admitted to what her husbands instincts had been telling him the whole time. At that point, it became much less about what she did and much more about the lying and inability to trust her.

 

Separated is not divorced.

 

 

If anyone has read threads on infidelity for any length of time they will have read endless stories were recovery was greatly impeded because of one of those spouses dated someone else during the separation. The pain to the other spouse is the same as if there was no separation and this dating took place.

 

If anyone reads this thread, they'd know the OP wasn't married when she slept with the other guy.

 

OP and her man split up for 6 months, she slept with a guy while her man was dating someone, then they got back together, then she lied, then they got married, then she kept lying until she'd changed her story too many times and had to admit to the lying, and now he wants to end the marriage over her lying.

[DKT3]

They weren't together, so I agree there was no cheating.

 

 

 

No, her mistake was LYING FOR 7 YEARS!

 

If you re-read her post, she says he "knew" as in "he suspected". She lied for YEARS before she finally admitted to what her husbands instincts had been telling him the whole time. At that point, it became much less about what she did and much more about the lying and inability to trust her.

 

 

 

If anyone reads this thread, they'd know the OP wasn't married when she slept with the other guy.

 

OP and her man split up for 6 months, she slept with a guy while her man was dating someone, then they got back together, then she lied, then they got married, then she kept lying until she'd changed her story too many times and had to admit to the lying, and now he wants to end the marriage over her lying.

 

Its really so simple, I don't get how some just don't get it.

[Zenstudent]

Its really so simple, I don't get how some just don't get it.

 

Indeed. Disregarding the thread title, OP's posts and common sense, all just to promote their own "get over it already" agenda.

 

OP, all you can do is learn from it, learn how to be honest, even when it's unpleasant. Be true to yourself, if you don't want address a specific topic with your husband, just say so, then it's up to your husband if he can live with it or not.

[road]

They both did. Even. Move on.

 

 

Cancel the moving truck. This husband/WS is not the first nor will he be the last WS that could step out yet not handle his BS/WS stepping out on him.

 

 

And, he did not lie about it to his wife.

[road]

They weren't together, so I agree there was no cheating.

 

 

 

No, her mistake was LYING FOR 7 YEARS!

 

If you re-read her post, she says he "knew" as in "he suspected". She lied for YEARS before she finally admitted to what her husbands instincts had been telling him the whole time. At that point, it became much less about what she did and much more about the lying and inability to trust her.

 

 

 

If anyone reads this thread, they'd know the OP wasn't married when she slept with the other guy.

 

OP and her man split up for 6 months, she slept with a guy while her man was dating someone, then they got back together, then she lied, then they got married, then she kept lying until she'd changed her story too many times and had to admit to the lying, and now he wants to end the marriage over her lying.

 

 

For whatever reason my post did not take. Here goes a 2nd attempt.

 

 

You cleared up the fact that they were not married when they were separated.

 

 

Though it does not lessen that OP burden that she is where she is because she lied.

 

 

Many times I have seen on forums where the GF/WW engineers the break up because she had the OM/replacement lined up. What was the husband to think except the worse when his WW lies for years.

 

 

OP would of been better served giving the whole truth then wait 2 years to see of her husband could handle the truth before setting the date to get married.

 

 

Lie in haste makes waste, forever.

[sandylee1]

The problem with lying, is that it makes someone doubt a lot of other things that you say. It casts doubt on your integrity. Perhaps at the time it would have been better to say, "can we just draw a line under whatever relationships we had when we split up and move forward"

 

I don't see the benefit of disecting past relationships at all. If he then insisted that he needed to know, you should have fessed up.

 

I presume you didn't know you'd be getting back together, so having a new guy in your bed isn't something that should have been held against you. Maybe your H could have decided he wanted a new bed at the time, but you've taken that away from him.

 

So many people are focusing on him having a relationship as well , that really isn't the point here, it's the deception over years that's led to the current situation.

 

If he feels this strongly, there isn't much you can do.

[66Charger]

If I am to assume that the OP has been faithful to her husband since reconciling and she lied out of fear, should this warrant divorce? IMHO No. A seperation, MC, transparency and proof of fidelity, yes. Damn, this woman has altered my way of thinking.

 

OP, if and only if you have been faithful to your H since reconciling, offer the poly to prove your fidelity and to prove you lied out of fear of him leaving you. Tell him that if the test proves that you have been faithful to him since reconciling and he still wants to divorce you, that you will not fight it and split things evenly and go your seperate ways. Tell him the test is not his decision. It is something that you WILL do.

If he doesnt care, skip the test and divorce.

If he agrees, wait 24 hours.

 

Then ask him to take the test.

Edited August 14, 2015 by 66Charger

[road]

If I am to assume that the OP has been faithful to her husband since reconciling and she lied out of fear, should this warrant divorce? IMHO No. A seperation, MC, transparency and proof of fidelity, yes. Damn, this woman has altered my way of thinking.

 

 

 

No this is not a justification to lie then or not get a divorce now.

 

 

Separation does nothing to help this mess.

 

 

Maybe a good MC will. Though again she should of told the truth back then. Then waited 2 years to see if he could handle the truth before marrying him.