Lying destroys marriage !!

[Popsicle]

You marriage is only really destroyed if you divorce and never get back together. If you stay together, even if things are more miserable than before, but still stay married, your marriage is not "destroyed". You are still bound to each other, just miserably bound to each other.

[Popsicle]

Also, after 9 years, he was just looking for an excuse to leave you so he could blame you.

[ladydesigner]

You marriage is only really destroyed if you divorce and never get back together. If you stay together, even if things are more miserable than before, but still stay married, your marriage is not "destroyed". You are still bound to each other, just miserably bound to each other.

 

Yep like me, see the bolded. This is totally me!

[autumnnight]

You marriage is only really destroyed if you divorce and never get back together. If you stay together, even if things are more miserable than before, but still stay married, your marriage is not "destroyed". You are still bound to each other, just miserably bound to each other.

 

Yep, and only you can decide if this is actually an accomplishment to be proud of, or a situation to be rectified.

[ladydesigner]

OP I haven't read this entire thread, but all I can say is, if your H has already made up his mind I feel it is best to try and let go and heal yourself. If your H decides to forgive down the line or reunite, you never know.

 

I'm not sure what your complete backstory is or if you both had attended any type of counseling together?

 

I know in my own M it is the lying and continued betrayal that has killed my M. my WH wants more than anything to R and I did too at one time, but now I am firmly planted in limbo ever since I discovered his A never ended, while I thought we were reconciling

 

We are going to try one last ditch effort with MC included otherwise I see our M ending in D. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life and I'm sure my WS doesn't either. I'm not going to stay forever out of convenience.

 

I wish you the best OP you do sound like you feel remorseful, I'm just not sure if it is coming too late as I don't know your whole story.

[DKT3]

She has clearly pointed out that the issue is she lied about the sex, not the sex itself.

 

Had she told him it was none of his business then it was up to him to decide if it was something he could marry into. She didn't do that she said NO, and she continued to say NO for the next seven years, while changing her story every time the subject came up. She was taking a hammer to the trust in the relationship with each lie, in turn showing herself to be a woman that he is no longer interested in being married to.

 

I don't see how that is so hard to understand and why people keep trying to make it about him not letting go of her having sex. HE NEVER TRULY KNEW SHE DID. Why? Because she lied and said she didn't for seven years.

[deadelvis]

Also, after 9 years, he was just looking for an excuse to leave you so he could blame you.

 

Disagree. I'm thinking he secretly wants to fix things but he wants OP to actually feel remorse. He needs to really believe she will never lie to him again, without keeping a polygraph in the house for every serious conversation.

[goodyblue]

She has clearly pointed out that the issue is she lied about the sex, not the sex itself.

 

Had she told him it was none of his business then it was up to him to decide if it was something he could marry into. She didn't do that she said NO, and she continued to say NO for the next seven years, while changing her story every time the subject came up. She was taking a hammer to the trust in the relationship with each lie, in turn showing herself to be a woman that he is no longer interested in being married to.

 

I don't see how that is so hard to understand and why people keep trying to make it about him not letting go of her having sex. HE NEVER TRULY KNEW SHE DID. Why? Because she lied and said she didn't for seven years.

 

You know, it's stupid. Seven years. It's like the people here don't believe in any sort of statute of limitations. Jesus. If he had a problem he shouldn't have married her and had kids.

 

If there was something that happened while I was separated from my h and he asked me, if I only told him part, he'd let it go and move the hell on.

 

This crap of holding on to things for years is dysfunctional, and even toxic. These relationships are just nuts in my opinion.

 

OP let him go, move on. There are people who will be loving and kind without punishing you and blaming a divorce YEARS later on something that happened years ago. I'm sorry, it's weird. Just not normal. Something happens a decade ago and you spend your life worrying about it, mulling it over, wondering... that's weird. Normal relationships are NOT THAT WAY. They just AREN'T.

[ladydesigner]

You know, it's stupid. Seven years. It's like the people here don't believe in any sort of statute of limitations. Jesus. If he had a problem he shouldn't have married her and had kids.

 

If there was something that happened while I was separated from my h and he asked me, if I only told him part, he'd let it go and move the hell on.

 

This crap of holding on to things for years is dysfunctional, and even toxic. These relationships are just nuts in my opinion.

 

OP let him go, move on. There are people who will be loving and kind without punishing you and blaming a divorce YEARS later on something that happened years ago. I'm sorry, it's weird. Just not normal. Something happens a decade ago and you spend your life worrying about it, mulling it over, wondering... that's weird. Normal relationships are NOT THAT WAY. They just AREN'T.

 

No it's not weird and to call people weird for something like that is weird. Everyone is different and there are some people who probably are scared to be alone or afraid of the unknown. Some people need therapy for abandonment issues. It could be a whole slew of things that he waited. Maybe it is only now that the enormity has hit him, who knows we are only hearing one side.

 

I agree that you shouldn't leave someone hanging, but I am kinda doing something exactly like that in hopes that I may rekindle something. I'm not going to wait that long, but I am giving it another year and yes my WS may see this as a waste of his time, but I have told him how I feel and he continues to stay.

[goodyblue]

No it's not weird and to call people weird for something like that is weird. Everyone is different and there are some people who probably are scared to be alone or afraid of the unknown. Some people need therapy for abandonment issues. It could be a whole slew of things that he waited. Maybe it is only now that the enormity has hit him, who knows we are only hearing one side.

 

I agree that you shouldn't leave someone hanging, but I am kinda doing something exactly like that in hopes that I may rekindle something. I'm not going to wait that long, but I am giving it another year and yes my WS may see this as a waste of his time, but I have told him how I feel and he continues to stay.

 

What you are doing, trying to giving another shot by working together in therapy is not anything near the same as what this guy is doing.

 

The enormity of what??? They were separated, they both had relationships, she trickle truthed because she didn't want to tell him everything. Granted, she should have just said she didn't want to talk about the past, but to hold onto that crap forever, it wasn't even an affair. It's dysfunctional.

 

Sorry, it just is. And not worth the wasted time while he sat and held onto that crap for years. What a waste of life.

[ladydesigner]

What you are doing, trying to giving another shot by working together in therapy is not anything near the same as what this guy is doing.

 

The enormity of what??? They were separated, they both had relationships, she trickle truthed because she didn't want to tell him everything. Granted, she should have just said she didn't want to talk about the past, but to hold onto that crap forever, it wasn't even an affair. It's dysfunctional.

 

Sorry, it just is. And not worth the wasted time while he sat and held onto that crap for years. What a waste of life.

 

Oh wow I didn't know they were separated. I don't know if they had an agreement to see other people during that time? And if not what else would one have expected? Hmmmm

 

Right, I can see why this would be seen as wasted time. Sorry I did not know the whole backstory.

[goodyblue]

Oh wow I didn't know they were separated. I don't know if they had an agreement to see other people during that time? And if not what else would one have expected? Hmmmm

 

Right, I can see why this would be seen as wasted time. Sorry I did not know the whole backstory.

 

I don't know if they had an agreement either, I just know she said they both had other relationships. I really believe he is using it as his excuse to leave her. And she should not beg him to stay. She should find someone who wants her. There are wonderful people out there who won't hold crap like this against you for years.

 

I really believe that if you want to have a healthy relationship, there are things you have to let go. This is one of them. It's not the end of the world. It's not like she cheated, she just didn't want to tell him everything. The only mistake she made was not just telling him she wouldn't be sharing. Really, it's none of his business.

 

If he loved her he would have forgiven her and moved on long ago.

Edited August 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[DKT3]

What you are doing, trying to giving another shot by working together in therapy is not anything near the same as what this guy is doing.

 

The enormity of what??? They were separated, they both had relationships, she trickle truthed because she didn't want to tell him everything. Granted, she should have just said she didn't want to talk about the past, but to hold onto that crap forever, it wasn't even an affair. It's dysfunctional.

 

Sorry, it just is. And not worth the wasted time while he sat and held onto that crap for years. What a waste of life.

 

Once again its NOT about the sex with the other guy, its about the LIE. OP has stated that several time and even put it in the title.

[goodyblue]

Once again its NOT about the sex with the other guy, its about the LIE. OP has stated that several time and even put it in the title.

 

Oh my god. She LIED because he wouldn't let it go! If he had just forgiven her and moved on it could have been fine. Don't you get it? He is as much if not more the problem than the lie. Holding that crap against her for YEARS. Jesus.

 

That is so dysfunctional! I would never put up with that! And my h wouldn't punish me for it, either. Even years later, if I admitted something he would say it was so far in the past it didn't matter.

 

Anyone ever hear of forgiveness? Moving on? Living in the freakin' present? Jeez...

 

If you are okay being punished for something as trivial as what she did for YEARS be my guest. Or maybe you'd be the punisher. Either way, it's wrong.

Edited August 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[ladydesigner]

I don't know if they had an agreement either, I just know she said they both had other relationships. I really believe he is using it as his excuse to leave her. And she should not beg him to stay. She should find someone who wants her. There are wonderful people out there who won't hold crap like this against you for years.

 

I really believe that if you want to have a healthy relationship, there are things you have to let go. This is one of them. It's not the end of the world. It's not like she cheated, she just didn't want to tell him everything. The only mistake she made was not just telling him she wouldn't be sharing. Really, it's none of his business.

 

If he loved her he would have forgiven her and moved on long ago.

 

Well if they both had relationships, then they are even. I agree that he nor she should hold onto this.

[road]

Oh my god. She LIED because he wouldn't let it go! If he had just forgiven her and moved on it could have been fine. Don't you get it? He is as much if not more the problem than the lie. Holding that crap against her for YEARS. Jesus.

 

That is so dysfunctional! I would never put up with that! And my h wouldn't punish me for it, either. Even years later, if I admitted something he would say it was so far in the past it didn't matter.

 

Anyone ever hear of forgiveness? Moving on? Living in the freakin' present? Jeez...

 

If you are okay being punished for something as trivial as what she did for YEARS be my guest. Or maybe you'd be the punisher. Either way, it's wrong.

 

 

 

 

To ask or expect someone to move pass without the truth is unrealistic. The OP is reaping what she sowed all those years ago by lying.

 

 

Her Spouse may of not of been able to handle the truth back then. All that means is they would of gotten divorced instead of having a stalled recovery and a marriage in limbo.

 

 

It does not matter who she banged, how many she banged, where she banged, why she banged, what she banged. She lied about the banging.

 

 

Another shining example of why spouses must not date when they separate. For it only makes recovery harder to do.

[goodyblue]

To ask or expect someone to move pass without the truth is unrealistic. The OP is reaping what she sowed all those years ago by lying.

 

 

Her Spouse may of not of been able to handle the truth back then. All that means is they would of gotten divorced instead of having a stalled recovery and a marriage in limbo.

 

 

It does not matter who she banged, how many she banged, where she banged, why she banged, what she banged. She lied about the banging.

 

 

Another shining example of why spouses must not date when they separate. For it only makes recovery harder to do.

 

Unhealthy relationships come from being unable to let stuff go. Sorry.

[DKT3]

Unhealthy relationships come from being unable to let stuff go. Sorry.

 

What is he suppose to be letting go of?

[goodyblue]

Oh I don't know. How about letting go of the fact that his wife doesn't want to hash and rehash something that happened years ago, that she doesn't want to share all the details? It is obvious she doesn't or she would have. He got back together with her knowing that she was holding back and then pestered her for years. That is as much his fault as hers. IF he couldn't live without knowing, why did he have kids with her? Yes, she should have just told him she was not going to divulge, but he should have stopped obsessing. He asked her about it enough over the years that her story kept changing because she didn't want to talk about it. He is as much the problem as the lie. He is the punisher. She doesn't need to be punished like a child. She should leave him.

[DKT3]

Oh I don't know. How about letting go of the fact that his wife doesn't want to hash and rehash something that happened years ago, that she doesn't want to share all the details? It is obvious she doesn't or she would have. He got back together with her knowing that she was holding back and then pestered her for years. That is as much his fault as hers. IF he couldn't live without knowing, why did he have kids with her? Yes, she should have just told him she was not going to divulge, but he should have stopped obsessing. He asked her about it enough over the years that her story kept changing because she didn't want to talk about it. He is as much the problem as the lie. He is the punisher. She doesn't need to be punished like a child. She should leave him.

 

Details? Where did you get that? No he wanted to know if she slept with him. A simple yes or its none of your business then I think most here would agree. She didn't do that which IS THE ISSUE. She said nothing about him wanting details.

 

No its not his fault she lied (why is it always somehow the mans fault?).

 

How is he punishing her? By saying he no longer wants to be married to someone who would lie for seven years?

[goodyblue]

Details? Where did you get that? No he wanted to know if she slept with him. A simple yes or its none of your business then I think most here would agree. She didn't do that which IS THE ISSUE. She said nothing about him wanting details.

 

No its not his fault she lied (why is it always somehow the mans fault?).

 

How is he punishing her? By saying he no longer wants to be married to someone who would lie for seven years?

 

It is my understanding from the OP that he pried and pried and she finally told him she slept with him. Then, as time went on he kept on prying until she finally admitted she'd slept with him in their house.

 

He also had a relationship. I wonder if she bugged and bugged him about every detail?

 

He's punishing her by divorcing her after he already knew she'd been with someone else. She said a couple of times he knew.

 

It's dumb to ruin a relationship (that you entered knowing she'd slept with someone while you were apart) seven years later. He should have just left her then. Passive aggressive, punishing, wasting of years.

[DKT3]

It is my understanding from the OP that he pried and pried and she finally told him she slept with him. Then, as time went on he kept on prying until she finally admitted she'd slept with him in their house.

 

He also had a relationship. I wonder if she bugged and bugged him about every detail?

 

He's punishing her by divorcing her after he already knew she'd been with someone else. She said a couple of times he knew.

 

It's dumb to ruin a relationship (that you entered knowing she'd slept with someone while you were apart) seven years later. He should have just left her then. Passive aggressive, punishing, wasting of years.

 

I'm not going to continue to debate this with you. But having been in the situation I can say its the lying that makes it hard to move on. Its easy for those that haven't been in the situation to sit back passing judgement on how someone should just "get over" betrayal. Worst of all you suggest he get over the lie by just ignoring it and never having the truth, but he is punishing her? Yeah ignoring problems never solve them.

 

Biggest issue is you guys have added an element that she never stated was a problem.

[goodyblue]

I'm not going to continue to debate this with you. But having been in the situation I can say its the lying that makes it hard to move on. Its easy for those that haven't been in the situation to sit back passing judgement on how someone should just "get over" betrayal. Worst of all you suggest he get over the lie by just ignoring it and never having the truth, but he is punishing her? Yeah ignoring problems never solve them.

 

Biggest issue is you guys have added an element that she never stated was a problem.

 

I'm not in a dysfunctional relationship with some weird dynamic going on, so perhaps I can't help. She should definitely be a doormat for his passive aggressive crap. Definitely the answer. They were NOT together. She did NOT have to share. If he couldn't handle it, he should have said something THEN. NOT NOW, when he wants a reason to blame her for his leaving.

Enjoy your evening.

Edited August 13, 2015 by goodyblue

[HereNorThere]

Admittedly, my ego wouldn't be able to take it either. I'd sit there and think of each and every time you lied to me, over and over. I have such a picture perfect memory. I'd recall the day, the situation, your exact words, your facial expression, etc. etc. etc.

 

If I continually lied for 7 years to ANYONE and finally got caught, I wouldn't expect them to have anything to do with me. Why should they? Relationships are based on trust and no matter how truthful you are from here on out, he knows your capable of great deception. Some people simply have principles and standards that don't allow for this kind of behavior.

 

This is just par for the course with this type of thing. I have a feeling that you KNEW this would happen and that's why you lied for so long.

[Popsicle]

Disagree. I'm thinking he secretly wants to fix things but he wants OP to actually feel remorse. He needs to really believe she will never lie to him again, without keeping a polygraph in the house for every serious conversation.

 

 

I think that's impossible to attain.