Am I a fill in?

[Vero]

I am 20 years old and I have been dating this guy (Brad) for almost 8 months now. When we first started dating, he was still seeing his girlfriend of 2 years (Christine), but I decided that as long as he wasn't sleeping with her anymore, that it was okay. He told me that he just needed some time to figure out what he wanted to do -- be with me or work things out with her. Well, four months later, I ran into Christine at my work and we found out that he had been sleeping with both of us. So, she confronted him. He told her that he wanted to work things out with her, then when he talked to me, he told me that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Later he told her the same thing. So, we both told him that we would give him a chance to choose, but that it couldn't take long. A week later, he choose me. He waited a week to tell Christine because she was coming down to stay with him (and try to work things out with him) the next weekend. He says that he told her right away and that they spent the rest of the weekend as just friends --she slept in another bed, according to him. Well, since then, Brad has talked to her almost every night (except weekends) and a couple of times I have even heard him tell her that he loves her. He also calls back immediately every time she pages him, with the excuse that she never pages, unless it is an emergency. Every time she has paged though, it was to ask him some stupid question that she could have called someone else to ask. Christine has even called me a few times, asking me if I minded them being friends and that if I asked her to never talk to him again, she would. I always tell her that I understand and in a way I do, but I don't understand why she has to be such a big part of his life. It seems that the best way for them to move on from each other is to not talk to each other for a while. I have talked to him about it and he told me that he would never give up a friend like her for a girl. The worst part though is that my friends and I keep getting these letters and emails, telling us that they are either a friend of Brad's or a friend of Christine's and that Brad is a major player and can not be faithful to anyone. Brad and Christine say that these letters are coming from friends of hers who want to break up their friendship. My mom thinks these letters are coming from Christine and my best friend, Marcus, says that Christine is very immature, jealous, controlling, and manipulative. Brad says that Christine can be that way, but this is a line she wouldn't cross. I don't know who it is, who to believe, all I know is that I don't feel very special because of the way my boyfriend treats his ex-girlfriend. It’s almost as if he just wants a break from her and I'm the fill-in girl. I know for a fact that he took a break from her about year ago and was with someone else during that time. Is that what you think he is doing now? What do I do?

[Paulie]

So that nobody's eyes get watery...

 

I am 20 years old and I have been dating

 

this guy (Brad) for almost 8 months now. When

 

we first started dating, he was still seeing his

 

girlfriend of 2 years (Christine), but I decided

 

that as long as he wasn't sleeping with her anymore,

 

that it was okay. He told me that he just needed

 

some time to figure out what he wanted to do --

 

be with me or work things out with her.

 

Well,four months later, I ran into Christine at my

 

work and we found out that he had been sleeping

 

with both of us. So, she confronted him. He told

 

her that he wanted to work things out with her,

 

then when he talked to me, he told me that he

 

wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Later he told

 

her the same thing. So, we both told him that

 

we would give him a chance to choose, but that

 

it couldn't take long. A week later, he choose

 

me. He waited a week to tell Christine because

 

she was coming down to stay with him (and try

 

to work things out with him) the next weekend.

 

He says that he told her right away and that they

 

spent the rest of the weekend as just friends

 

--she slept in another bed, according to him.

 

Well, since then, Brad has talked to her almost

 

every night (except weekends) and a couple of

 

times I have even heard him tell her that he loves

 

her. He also calls back immediately every time

 

she pages him, with the excuse that she never

 

pages, unless it is an emergency. Every time she

 

has paged though, it was to ask him some stupid

 

question that she could have called someone else

 

to ask. Christine has even called me a few times,

 

asking me if I minded them being friends and that

 

if I asked her to never talk to him again, she

 

would.

 

I always tell her that I understand and

 

in a way I do, but I don't understand why she

 

has to be such a big part of his life. It seems

 

that the best way for them to move on from each

 

other is to not talk to each other for a while.

 

I have talked to him about it and he told me that

 

he would never give up a friend like her for a

 

girl. The worst part though is that my friends

 

and I keep getting these letters and emails, telling

 

us that they are either a friend of Brad's or

 

a friend of Christine's and that Brad is a major

 

player and can not be faithful to anyone.

 

Brad and Christine say that these letters are coming

 

from friends of hers who want to break up their

 

friendship. My mom thinks these letters are coming

 

from Christine and my best friend, Marcus, says

 

that Christine is very immature, jealous, controlling,

 

and manipulative. Brad says that Christine can

 

be that way, but this is a line she wouldn't cross.

 

I don't know who it is, who to believe, all I

 

know is that I don't feel very special because

 

of the way my boyfriend treats his ex-girlfriend.

 

It’s almost as if he just wants a break from her

 

and I'm the fill-in girl. I know for a fact that

 

he took a break from her about year ago and was

 

with someone else during that time. Is that what

 

you think he is doing now? What do I do?

[sparkle]

Thanks Paulie,

 

Vero, Don't worry about whether you're a fill-in or not. Leave this guy!!!! He sounds like a confused and selfish jerk who wants two girls chasing after him. If he REALLY wanted to be with you or REALLY liked you, he would end ALL contact with this other girl IMMEDIATELY.

 

When he didn't do this and kept talking to her, that should've told you right there that he was a jerk. You should've stopped talking to him right there and then. But you wasted your time by staying with him. You've already

 

wasted enough of it. I'd say you leave him..cut your losses short and MOVE ON!

 

You can find many guys out there that are TOTALLY SINGLE.

[Paulie]

Get rid of him, asap! Yes, you could very well be his "fill-in" girl...you could also be girl #2, #3, 0r #4.

 

This guy is deceptive, and manipulative, and a big-time USER.

 

Only because YOU continue to let this happen.

 

I guarantee you that he still has significant feelings for her, and I hope it is obvious to you that she still has feelings for him...like you say, why else would she continue to call him???

 

I guarantee beyond the shadow of a doubt that this situation will only break your heart, as well as put you at other risks...like maybe STD's?

 

This guy is a 1st class sleaze-bag, and you KNOW IT.

[Paulie]

I'm sorry...don't mean to be cruel, I'm just so mad at this whole situation. I hate to see someone be used, and from reading your post, I sense a great degree of that.

 

Please, Please...go find something better for yourself...and find the strength to do this from within.

 

Best wishes,

 

Paulie

[Laurynn]

The first mistake in all this, was the fact that when you started dating Brad, he was still 'seeing' Christine. Whether or not they were really not sleeping together, who knows. The guy is a butthole. A decent man who has respect, integrity and honor, he doesn't date someone while still hanging out with the ex.

 

These emails that you're getting, regardless of who is sending them, what they're saying is most likely true...judging by Brad's selfish behavior. You don't need someone to 'tell you' that he's a player, his actions speak louder than words.

 

The fact that he was telling you AND Christine the same things, lying to both you of...the guy is a total, complete dog. He deserves neither of you. But nevermind about Christine...if she wants to date a dog, let her. You worry about yourself.

 

I highly suggest you tell him to go take a flying leap at a rolling donut hole...and break off all contact with him. You are a woman who deserves a 'one woman man' and that's obviously not him.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but as an outsider looking in (as others here agree), this guy is playing you for a fool. You have the power and control to put a stop to this. Remove yourself completely from this picture, and I promise that you'll find a man who will treat you with honesty and respect.

 

Laurynn

[UK guy]

What is with you and paragraph`s?

[Tony T]

I can't answer for Paulie but big blobs of gray type give me a severe headache if I try to read them. I often put up courtesy paragraphs as a courtesy to myself...as well as others. We both do this as a public service...under the same terms people post advice here.

 

I will not read a post that goes for five or more inches of solid type with no break-ups, indentions, etc. and they do post them here like that. I won't do so because I will not ruin the rest of my day with a migraine. Also, if you are here often you will find that these long posts will remain up with a response.

 

So the courtesy paragraphs are placed by myself and Paulie, whenever we feel they are necessary, to encourage more people to read and respond to the posts. A lot of people have an urgent need for advice but maybe they never learned about paragraphs...or they just don't understand exactly how they can make them in their post.

 

Absent a lack of education, I think it's unforgiveable to write 100 to 200 sentences without a paragraph. But since this is the Internet, I suppose there are countries where the people are not educated in English composition or they may not realize just how irritating these very long blobs of type are.

 

I hope this gives you a better understanding of why we take the time to sift through these jungles of verbage to make them more readable with courtesy paragraphs.