AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 And we're waiting...as usual. MM announced tonight that he is planning on requesting a two month leave of absence from work AND is planning on spending most of those two months living with me (Nov/Dec time frame). I guess I will know more tomorrow - if this was just another "fantasy" of his or if he follows through. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I was in your place twenty years ago... Twenty years later, I'm still waiting for his "right time" for him to talk to her, ask for a divorce, etc etc. Ask yourself: can I live this way another twenty years? Thirty? More? If you can, great - Welcome to the LONG term affairs club. If not, get out now!! Your own words. 20 years! I guess what's another 4 months I suppose. But when is enough enough? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Enough will be enough when - or, more rightfully, if - one or both of us fall out of love with the other. Hasn't happened so far, even after raising two kids and dealing with parents aging and dying and our own health issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Enough will be enough when - or, more rightfully, if - one or both of us fall out of love with the other. Hasn't happened so far, even after raising two kids and dealing with parents aging and dying and our own health issues. Oh, my mistake. I thought you weren't happy with the waiting, or being the OW. I now see you are willing to "live this way for another twenty years." To each their own. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Did I read that right? 20 years? Oh my...and here I am whining and crying about 2 years. I can't imagine giving 20 years to my MM. I hate the 2 I've already lost. To each their own. I hope you get what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Over 20, dearie. It's okay - it's my choice, and it has been the best one for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Over 20, dearie. It's okay - it's my choice, and it has been the best one for me. Angelique, gently...your post is titled waiting game and talks about "waiting as usual" and essentially seeing if he will follow through or if this is just "another fantasy," which suggests that in the past 20 years you've been doing lots of waiting and had lots of fantasy stuff happen that never came to pass....that said, only you can answer this for yourself in your heart of hearts, but would you really say it's been the best choice? I'm reading a book on codependent relationships and one of the hallmark signatures is that it's a dysfunctional relationship that neither can leave, meaning that an A lasting 20 years or even a bad marriage with cheating lasting several decades isn't really always because the people are in love in a healthy way or because it's right, but one or both are often codependent so though it causes them lots of pain, lots of waiting, disappointments, fantasies that don't come true, and you name it...they have years and years of being unable to extricate themselves from it to show for it and yes they choose it...but it's a choice propelled by problematic ideas about love as well as self. It's worth thinking about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks, Bee - I should make myself clearer. This is HIS ongoing fantasy, and a bit mine, to walk away from his job (the real primary relationship in his life) and move onto the next phase. First, he was all about getting to that magical number for retirement, then it was about getting certain projects finished, then seeing that the kids (my biological ones that he has help raise) are "taken care of financially" (the older one was between jobs for about a month and needed a bit of help, the younger one just discharged from military service and is going back to college on the GI bill) - but now, the powers that be have him in an awkward position, and my honest gut feeling is the "boss" is wanting to quietly slide him aside in favor of someone younger (with less of a budget breaker salary). We've been planning on this for the past five years, that when he retires, he will move to live with me (and, I'm adamant that in conjunction with that, that we take care of the legal stuff that will give each other the power to make medical decisions for the other, etc, IF he isn't going to get a divorce - which is another story; he says he wants to but he's a conflict avoider). We lived within just a few miles of each other until five years ago, when I had to retire and move halfway across the country to take care of my mum (still doing that!). The "kids" (30 and 34) are living near him now, and he is very active in their lives (he just called from taking the younger one and his little family out to the mall and dinner tonight). It's not perfect by any means, but it's the best relationship I've ever had (I've been married twice). We do get frustrated with each other occasionally, and more often, with the situation of being so far apart. He flies out every couple of weeks for a long weekend and we talk on the phone several times a day. It's just wearing on us both right now, and it doesn't help matters that I can't take off and leave Mum (and she doesn't travel anymore - she will be 85 next month) even for a weekend myself to visit him or the kids. We did manage to get away for a week plus earlier in the spring - we drove to the east coast to visit the younger son before he got out of the military, but that's really all we've managed to get away in the last five years that was more than an hour or two's drive from Mum. There was one point, a couple of years ago, where he really had me convinced he was going to go through with the whole thing - divorce, retire, move in, get married. I was bitterly disappointed when the date he had set came and went without so much as an "I'm sorry, I can't do it right now". But it wasn't me, it was him (and that darned conflict avoidance!). I just don't get my hopes up these days; one day at a time and enjoy what we do have. Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 So you guys have kids together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 He's been their "dad" since they were 9 & 13. Niether of their biological fathers (my ex husbands) have anything to do with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I see... Very interesting. I don't understand the logistics but I guess if it works then it works! His wife has never suspected? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 His wife goes about her life and doesn't ask questions. They never had children together - her choice, not his - and she's had her own career, separate vacations, separate friends for many, many years. She wouldn't even take off work to be with him when his dad was dying (summer 99) in another state; didn't even show up after his dad died (and his dad had asked her to come visit him one last time. How the F*** do you say "no" to that??). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Why the HE** are they still "married"? I will never understand why people stick it out when it's miserable. It doesn't sound like much fun for either of them. It sounds similiar to how my MM describes his "marriage". Then again.....he is a compulsive liar so who really knows the truth. If his lips are moving, he is probably lying. And if he isn't lying, he has lied so much its safe to assume he's lying. I can't imagine doing this for 18 more years...but it sounds like you and MM have things pretty much worked out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 I figure she stays because his job pays 4 times what hers does...why he stays, I will never understand. He says he knew when they married that it wasn't "right" for him, but she had manipulated him into it by showing up where he was stationed and not leaving him any alternative without looking like an a**hole. (No, she wasn't preggers nor claiming to be). Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I figure she stays because his job pays 4 times what hers does...why he stays, I will never understand. He says he knew when they married that it wasn't "right" for him, but she had manipulated him into it by showing up where he was stationed and not leaving him any alternative without looking like an a**hole. (No, she wasn't preggers nor claiming to be). So it's about money for her and status and image for him ? Got it. What a recipie for dysfunction at its finest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Yep. That pretty much sums it up. And, somehow, we managed to fall in love...go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Yep. That pretty much sums it up. And, somehow, we managed to fall in love...go figure. And that wasn't enough to change his situation? I don't get it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 I was pretty damaged - fresh out of a whacko rebound relationship from ending marriage number two - never really took time to heal from marriage number one. I knew I DID NOT want to remarry until my kids were grown and self-sufficient. Long story short, exh1 cheated - but it turned out he is gay/bi; exh2 was into BDSM with she-males, addicted to drugs and alcohol (self medicating bipolar) and abusive in every sense. Rebound relationship was with a man 28 yrs my senior.... MM brought some sense of sanity and safety and fun back into my heart. But I tested him for YEARS - I don't see how he put up with it, other than he loves me. And I finally came around to accepting that it was okay to be loved and I realized he was never going to give up on me - on us. And now I'm convinced that if he is ready to make our relationship more "normal", so am I. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 ...but she had manipulated him into it by showing up where he was stationed and not leaving him any alternative without looking like an a**hole. (No, she wasn't preggers nor claiming to be). I know you've probably been over this ad nauseum, so I apologize. But that's probably the most half-hearted excuse to stay with someone I've heard in a while. She just "showed up" so he spent the rest of his life with her? That's not manipulation on her part. That's just him not having a spine, IMO. Again, forgive me. This is the man you love. But it's pretty mind-boggling. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Yep, he is pretty spineless, sometimes! But, they had been dating for a good while in college - and she decided to drop out before graduating and go "be with" him. Remember too, this was during the Vietnam War and things were different... (We are OLD!! LOL!! Bear in mind I have a 34 year old "child"!!) Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 So he didn't stay for the kids. She is employed so spousal support wouldn't be sky high presumably and on top of all that it sounds like she lives her own life, because how would any loving wife not see her sick FIL. Sounds like she has a double life of her own with all that travel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngeliqueC Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Well, he took a baby step. He did make the unofficial request for the leave. He was asked to submit it via email - says he has the first draft written and will fill in the dates tomorrow. In the meantime, the he and the number two son are going to go look at an apartment for son, wife and grand - I guess that's tomorrow too, if not tonight. And he's cancelled on flying out as planned this week; I guess he's just got too much on his plate/mind right now. Which is fine. I'm having to process this too - not like him to actually DO what he says about leaving the job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Wow, he really has to take his time and drag it out. When I had to request STD for my maternity leave I was on top of HR and our Leave of Absence people until I knew it was done. Anything they requested i completed within 24 hours. But I am pretty proactive, especially if it means time off of work. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 the request is unofficial? I would not see this as a baby step, just words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Ya knw what? Life is too short, if this is what makes you happy and it's working for you then go be happy!! Maybe this is a good situation for you, I mean if he got divorced and you two moved in together and got married, you'd just have him underfoot!! Lol... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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