Waiting game

[AngeliqueC]

well, for a workaholic, just words can be baby steps.... The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? well, his first step to accepting that he is well into retirement age territory is admitting to a boss that he is wanting to take a leave of absence.

[anika99]

While I think it's very doubtful that this man will ever leave his wife, if actually does divorce her after 20 years of cheating on her that has got to be one of the cruelest affair outcomes I have ever heard. He could have divorced her 20 yrs ago while she was still young and had her life ahead of her. She could have been healed and found her Mr. Right years ago. Instead he has held her in this sham marriage for 20 yrs all the while plotting to leave her when she got old. That is so nasty. Here she is likely planning their old age together and instead she's going to be dismissed. Of course that only applies if he's actually telling the truth about leaving which is unlikely.

[Sassy Girl]

While I think it's very doubtful that this man will ever leave his wife, if actually does divorce her after 20 years of cheating on her that has got to be one of the cruelest affair outcomes I have ever heard. He could have divorced her 20 yrs ago while she was still young and had her life ahead of her. She could have been healed and found her Mr. Right years ago. Instead he has held her in this sham marriage for 20 yrs all the while plotting to leave her when she got old. That is so nasty. Here she is likely planning their old age together and instead she's going to be dismissed. Of course that only applies if he's actually telling the truth about leaving which is unlikely.

 

Bingo.

 

He sounds lovely

[AngeliqueC]

Well, she's held onto the sham too. I honestly don't think he's had her fooled for one minute. He spent every holiday with me and the kids, and even after I moved, he's been here for Christmas every year.

[Sassy Girl]

Well, she's held onto the sham too. I honestly don't think he's had her fooled for one minute. He spent every holiday with me and the kids, and even after I moved, he's been here for Christmas every year.

 

Like I said. He's sounds wonderful

[EverySunset]

I know sometimes people come to this board for tough love, or a wake up call... But sometimes people are just looking for a little support or understanding. I am closer to OPs "child's" age but I do know lots of people that would be contemporaries for her from my last job - we worked exclusively with baby boomers.

 

This is her choice. She has found a man she is in love with, that has been a lover, friend, and effectively co-parent for 20 years. It's not my place to extend judgement over that when I've found myself in the shoes of a relative BS, WS, and OW in my own life. I came to this forum for understanding and insight, and I think she has too.

 

Whether I could have sustained a relationship like that doesn't matter. I can empathize with someone who has seen a man be all but a husband to her for decades and still not understand the dynamics, and reach out.

 

I admire her for being up front about something that will undoubtedly derive criticism in search of her truths, or a deeper meaning of the path she has chosen, whether she will remain on it, or how she goes about it.

 

I also know more than a few people in her position in life, they are simply much more in the background, having prioritized privacy over support.

 

I would prefer to hug someone who has the brevity to ask for it, than shame her or call her choices into question. Each generation, culture, and marriage has its unique set of motivations. Hers are as real as anyone frequenting this board, and I for one, intend to listen and help where I can... If I can.

[goodyblue]

I know sometimes people come to this board for tough love, or a wake up call... But sometimes people are just looking for a little support or understanding. I am closer to OPs "child's" age but I do know lots of people that would be contemporaries for her from my last job - we worked exclusively with baby boomers.

 

This is her choice. She has found a man she is in love with, that has been a lover, friend, and effectively co-parent for 20 years. It's not my place to extend judgement over that when I've found myself in the shoes of a relative BS, WS, and OW in my own life. I came to this forum for understanding and insight, and I think she has too.

 

Whether I could have sustained a relationship like that doesn't matter. I can empathize with someone who has seen a man be all but a husband to her for decades and still not understand the dynamics, and reach out.

 

I admire her for being up front about something that will undoubtedly derive criticism in search of her truths, or a deeper meaning of the path she has chosen, whether she will remain on it, or how she goes about it.

 

I also know more than a few people in her position in life, they are simply much more in the background, having prioritized privacy over support.

 

I would prefer to hug someone who has the brevity to ask for it, than shame her or call her choices into question. Each generation, culture, and marriage has its unique set of motivations. Hers are as real as anyone frequenting this board, and I for one, intend to listen and help where I can... If I can.

 

I'm confused at your use of the word brevity...

[Popsicle]

I know of a few long term affairs. Surprisingly, they are all between a MM and SOW, as opposed to what I would think would be more likely a LTA between a MM and MW. Anyway, it obviously works for them and the SOW by this point, all admit that they aren't ever ending it. I think once you get past the 5 year mark you become "happy" in the affair. It's enough for you.

[Popsicle]

And we're waiting...as usual. MM announced tonight that he is planning on requesting a two month leave of absence from work AND is planning on spending most of those two months living with me (Nov/Dec time frame). I guess I will know more tomorrow - if this was just another "fantasy" of his or if he follows through.

 

 

I'm guessing he is 65+ years old. What will he tell his employer his leave of absence is for?

 

if he is granted the leave, I don't doubt that he will spend it with you. I have my doubts that he will ever leave his M though. Why should he?

[sandylee1]

Well, she's held onto the sham too. I honestly don't think he's had her fooled for one minute. He spent every holiday with me and the kids, and even after I moved, he's been here for Christmas every year.

 

I know the older generation don't divorce so easily, but he's still been able to have a 'good ' romantic relationship with you and enjoy life. The older generation don't always have the idea that marriage should be overly happy /romantic and it's more of a union. So maybe his wife doesn't think it's a sham.

 

Saying you don't think he's had her fooled is just trying ease things for you. He must have given a reason for not being around those times and she believed what he said. She trusts him.

 

Finding out you've been cheated on 20 years will feel be more than devastating. Like the other poster said , she could have had a chance of happiness with someone else, but he's waited till she's an old aged pensioner and will die (yes, I know he could go first) alone. I hope she has some nieces /nephews or other family to bury her.

 

If he can comfortably live this double life for this long and not flinch, I have doubt that everything he tells you is true, but I sense that's not an issue for you.

 

You don't have to answer this, but have your children known he was a MM all the time?

If so do you think it's setting a good example for them?

[Popsicle]

Sorry for the multiple posts.

 

well, for a workaholic, just words can be baby steps.... The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? well, his first step to accepting that he is well into retirement age territory is admitting to a boss that he is wanting to take a leave of absence.

 

 

He sounds like a person who would not enjoy permanent retirement. He just wants/needs a vacation. My dad was that way.

[Popsicle]

I know the older generation don't divorce so easily, but he's still been able to have a 'good ' romantic relationship with you and enjoy life. The older generation don't always have the idea that marriage should be overly happy /romantic and it's more of a union. So maybe his wife doesn't think it's a sham.

 

Saying you don't think he's had her fooled is just trying ease things for you. He must have given a reason for not being around those times and she believed what he said. She trusts him.

 

My sister was cheated on for 30 years. She knew but buried her head in the sand to stay married (for the kids, etc etc).

 

Hypothetically, OP could go ahead and tell his W, or he could even confess. Not a darn thing will change.

[EverySunset]

I'm confused at your use of the word brevity...

 

Good catch. Tough night without enough sleep, truly. I suppose I meant strength.

[cocorico]

Well, she's held onto the sham too. I honestly don't think he's had her fooled for one minute. He spent every holiday with me and the kids, and even after I moved, he's been here for Christmas every year.

 

People believe what they need to believe. When my H disclosed his A to his then-BW, she chose not to believe him - even when he left, she still clung to the myth that it was all a ploy to get her to agree to MC. The sham M obviously suits this BW, just as it suited my H's xW.

[Poppy47]

I know of a few long term affairs. Surprisingly, they are all between a MM and SOW, as opposed to what I would think would be more likely a LTA between a MM and MW. Anyway, it obviously works for them and the SOW by this point, all admit that they aren't ever ending it. I think once you get past the 5 year mark you become "happy" in the affair. It's enough for you.

 

I didn't ever become "happy" in it. That's why I am no longer in it after almost 7 years. It became routine and a lot harder than my marriage had ever been. Just not worth it in the end.

Poppy

[Sub]

Well, she's held onto the sham too. I honestly don't think he's had her fooled for one minute. He spent every holiday with me and the kids, and even after I moved, he's been here for Christmas every year.

 

I think I've said this in one of your previous threads, but in essence the W is the OW in this scenario. Or closer to a sister that he shares a house with. Whether or not she's held onto the "sham" is irrelevant, IMO. There's no reason he couldn't have just left. (Not wanting to be an "a**hole" doesn't count.) I do hope for everyone's sake that this is the beginning of the end.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think I've said this in one of your previous threads, but in essence the W is the OW in this scenario. Or closer to a sister that he shares a house with. Whether or not she's held onto the "sham" is irrelevant, IMO. There's no reason he couldn't have just left. (Not wanting to be an "a**hole" doesn't count.) I do hope for everyone's sake that this is the beginning of the end.

 

Sorry but I disagree. The wife is the wife. He's still married to her. The OW is the OW. He's not married or otherwise committed to her. The OP is still the OW, waiting for him to divorce his W or leave her. After 20+ years.

 

SMH.

[Ms. Faust]

Personally I don't see why leave now. They've been doing this for 20 years, why split assets 50/50 and pay lawyers at this point in the game? Maintaining status quo will be less painful financially and emotionally for everyone involved.

[Popsicle]

I didn't ever become "happy" in it. That's why I am no longer in it after almost 7 years. It became routine and a lot harder than my marriage had ever been. Just not worth it in the end.

Poppy

 

Well good for you. Are you in complete NC?

[Sub]

Sorry but I disagree. The wife is the wife. He's still married to her. The OW is the OW. He's not married or otherwise committed to her. The OP is still the OW, waiting for him to divorce his W or leave her. After 20+ years.

 

SMH.

 

I agree, on the surface. That's why I said "in essence". Take the titles out of the equation and describe this scenario to an outsider: Man has spent the past 20 years with a woman, helped "raise" two kids with her, spends holidays and vacations with her/them, etc. There's another woman with whom he does not have children, they live separate lives, aren't involved on a personal level, etc.

One would most likely assume the second woman is either an OW or a Sister. (Unless Angelique is overstating his involvement in her life for the past 20 years, but I have no reason to believe that's the case.)

 

As much as I don't get why he hasn't left based on all of that, part of me agrees with Ms. Faust. Why would he leave now?

[the_artist_1970]

I agree, on the surface. That's why I said "in essence". Take the titles out of the equation and describe this scenario to an outsider: Man has spent the past 20 years with a woman, helped "raise" two kids with her, spends holidays and vacations with her/them, etc. There's another woman with whom he does not have children, they live separate lives, aren't involved on a personal level, etc.

One would most likely assume the second woman is either an OW or a Sister. (Unless Angelique is overstating his involvement in her life for the past 20 years, but I have no reason to believe that's the case.)

 

As much as I don't get why he hasn't left based on all of that, part of me agrees with Ms. Faust. Why would he leave now?

 

In the end, on the MM's father's deathbed he asked for the W, not the OW. The OW is hidden from his family and in her own little compartment of her world where MM visits. She didn't even get the chance to know MM's family. I will never understand how a SOW can introduce her children to a MM. What kind of message is that sending to the children. I hope they value and respect M and don't look at this as an example. SMH

[AngeliqueC]

The only reason he would leave the W now is because of retirement - once he retires (she already has; both are 67 btw) and is faced with staying in the same house with her, all day, every day, he will either leave or find other ways to cope (which, in the past, means going out and wandering around the malls and sitting in coffee shops alone, until late at night - and as he has said, there is only so much shopping and coffee drinking you can do before it gets boring). Given the geographical distance, he can't just pop over to my place to relax, have dinner, watch tv, etc. - and that is the lifestyle he prefers. (When I lived closer, he was at my house every day - workdays from after work until after midnight, every night, and we were together all day during the weekends, except Sunday morning, because I like to sleep in and he likes to get up and watch Meet the Press and stuff like that. For a long time, he came by my house in the mornings before work too, just to kiss me good morning. I know he misses our closeness just as I do - like I said, the real primary relationship in his life is his job.).

 

Btw, to answer a question from above, he's in a job where the "rules" are that if you have been at X pay grade for Y amount of time, you are entitled to Z amount of paid leave, upon request and approval by the powers that be.

[MissBee]

And we're waiting...as usual. MM announced tonight that he is planning on requesting a two month leave of absence from work AND is planning on spending most of those two months living with me (Nov/Dec time frame). I guess I will know more tomorrow - if this was just another "fantasy" of his or if he follows through.

 

So how's the leave request coming along? You said you'd know by today. Has it been confirmed if it's just a fantasy or something that will happen?

 

Also, if it doesn't happen, how will you feel?

 

To be truthful, your initial post about "and we're waiting..." and talks of this being a possible fantasy sounded to me like you were frustrated and that you want this to happen but are used to things not panning out how you'd like. But based on some of the other things you say about how this whole thing works for you and is your choice and so on, I can't really tell your desire/hope for this situation and if you'll be upset if it doesn't happen? Angry? Disappointed? Sad? Or if it will just be oh well, another fantasy that hasn't come to pass, but let's carry on.

Edited August 12, 2015 by MissBee

[ladydesigner]

I find this situation as sad as my own. I am a BS in limbo. My WH claims his A is over and wants R now, but I have experienced False R so am very apprehensive. While I know I have the power to change my situation if I like, my WH tries to convince me to stay EVERY SINGLE TIME. I fear a situation like yours, where 20 years from now I may find out my WH is leaving me for the MOW when he has been begging me to stay and work on the M. I certainly hope your MM is not doing this to his BS.

 

I honestly think A's should be in the same category as water torture.

 

Like others have mentioned, I hope this ends soon for everyone's sake.

[AngeliqueC]

Ladydesigner, I feel for you!! It seems like so much of our lives are spent waiting - as a child, for Santa and birthdays, for school to start, for summer to get here...to find that college acceptance letter in the mail, for Mr Right to propose, for the babies to be born after being pregnant for what feels like forever....then for those same babies to grow up and move out...and then sitting in hospitals, waiting as loved ones die, waiting for the grief to heal...waiting, waiting, waiting and all the while life is happening all around us.

 

I do what I can not to be a "lady in waiting" - I indulge in my hobbies, I care for my mum, I get out and about in my neighborhood, work with childhood friends on local projects, stay in touch with my kids, enjoy the dogs, take care of the house and all that "normal" stuff. It's the nights that are long, and often lonely. It's fine and dandy to "fly solo" during the day, but there are times when your soul simply longs for another. The late-night phone calls help me; I hope you have something that eases your emptiness as well. Regaining your sense of security and trust is a tricky thing - and you can make such progress, only to have it wiped out in a split second.

 

MissB, I've only chatted with him twice today, and it was unrelated to work or his request - he was taking the younger son & family to lunch; they had been out looking for an apartment - MM is going to have to cosign for them, because son is on the GI Bill (was discharged only two days ago), starting school & will probably only have a p/t work/study job - his wife is also taking a class and is looking for a full time job, but they've only been there since Sunday (and this is only Wednesday). Thank heavens their stuff is in storage and they can bunk with her mom until they find a place! Anyway, he and I will talk later - seems like we have too much going on, between the kids and him and what's going on at his work. I'm so thankful my life is fairly peaceful right now and I can be the "quiet place" for him to talk things out - he's done that for me enough over the years!!

Edited August 12, 2015 by AngeliqueC