Im the OW in love with a customer twice my age - heads a mess!

[LoveOlderMan]

I'm completely new to this site (I have specifically searched for one that has other people going through the same as me so I hope this is the right place?)

 

I'm completely and utterly in love with a man 20 years older than me who is in a relationship...as am I.

 

I have been with my partner for 5 years and to be honest he doesn't deserve what I have been doing. I recently had a huge bereavement and in all honesty I have gone off the rails. I have never in my life cheated before!

 

I work in a pub and have always got on really well with a particular customer, I am great friends with both of his kids who are the same age as me. Our friendship developed into more on a night out when I finished work. I had always fancied him but never in a million years thought he would be interested in me. I leaned in to kiss him and told him I wanted to f^^^ him and he kissed me back saying he wanted to f^^^ me too. Ever since then we meet 3/4 times a week to go on dates aswell as have sex...but we see eachother everyday as he comes into my place of work - but only as a regular customer as no-one knows!!.

 

He is in a relationship with a woman he started seeing 2 months prior to our kiss. But he has known her for years!!!! She regularly comes into my place of work to join him for a drink (as couples do) and noone except us has any idea of what is going on. We text all day every day and grab any minute we can for a little kiss whilst I am working (Even if his girlfriend is there!!!). We have said the "I love you's" ect but we both have concerns. His concerns are his kids because he doesn't feel they will except it as I am their age and a friend of theirs, my boss because he is a customer, my family (as he is the same age as my mum) and the fact he is 20 years older than me hes worried I will get bored, want kids ect. My concerns are that i dont know if I could ever trust him as this isn't the first time for him...he was in an affair for 10 years with his sister in law which ended 3 years ago. Its ok now as I am the OW and its all exciting for us...but I am so new to all of this and never in a million years thought id get into an affair as I never agreed with it...I have been cheated on by every partner I have ever had except my current one.... that I know of anyway.

 

The mother of his kids also comes into my work place (aswell as his current girlfriend) and they both like to tell me the in's and outs of both of their relationships with this man. The mother of his kids is still in love with him and regularly asks him to meet for sex (She told me this as did he) which he never has (she told me they haven't) and she knows he is now in a relationship...but every weekend she always sends a text asking.

 

Then I have his current girlfriend telling me she wants him to be more affectionate towards her, getting upset about their relationship because she goes days without hearing from him. Neither of these women know im seeing him myself.

 

My head is a complete mess...his girlfriend will be in the pub and he will be staring at me, texting me things like "I just want her to leave, dont worry shes going soon so we can go for a drink when you're finished, I wish you were sitting here not her" and "She asked to stay at mine but ive managed to avoid it so you can call round after work" ect. Things like this make me think he does really like me....but on the other hand I don't know if im just being a fool risking my relationship for something that will never develop into more than a dirty secret.

 

My life is a complete mess at the minute and I really don't know what to do or think. He tells me absolutely everything...he has never lied to me once (I would know as both his gf and mother of his kids tell me it all anyway) he is all I think about and I would love nothing more than to be with him full time but it just doesn't seem like it will ever happen because of how complicated it is with the age gap, his kids and the fact both his gf and ex think i'm their best friend!.

 

Any advice would be appreciated x

[AngeliqueC]

Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

 

It sounds as if you are maybe twenty-something and he is forty-plus. It will be great for a bit - the sex will be amazing - but....

 

Twenty years is a lot. In forty years, you will be a young sixtyish, and he will be in his eighties. Sex will have gone by the wayside LONG before you get to that point. What else do you have to build a relationship on?

 

Are you willing to forego having children of your own - while your friends/stepchildren who are your age are going through all the usual stages of life, getting married, having kids, moving to accomodate growing careers...do you want to miss out on that and go straight to middle-age lifestyle?

 

I've been an OW for a LONG time - I don't recommend it to the young (under 35) crowd. It can be a rough row to hoe - but you can do it if you have your education, your career, your kids and so forth already in place, so if things go "tits up" in the A, you aren't adrift without a few life preservers.

[whichwayisup]

The guy has never lied to you... Yet he has had NO problem lying to his (ex) wife, cheated on her, cheated on his current gf with you, had an A with his sister in law...Yah he seems like a real fantastic man with great morals. Please don't fool yourself that he hasn't lied or omitted truths from you. Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour. Please keep that in mind.

 

Also, a guy who sneaks off at your work place to make out with you while his gf is near by is a real jerk! And he says stuff like " I just want her to leave, dont worry shes going soon so we can go for a drink when you're finished, I wish you were sitting here not her" and "She asked to stay at mine but ive managed to avoid it so you can call round after work" ect.

 

That's disgusting, what he's saying behind his gf's back!! And they were good friends before they got together. How disrespectful.

 

Fact is, you're not in a great frame of mind after going through a bereavment and not making healthy decisions. What you're doing is damaging what you have with your current boyfriend, who loves you and who has been there for you, loving and supporting you - Yet you let yourself fall for a player.

Things like this make me think he does really like me....but on the other hand I don't know if im just being a fool risking my relationship for something that will never develop into more than a dirty secret.

 

He probably does like you but he's not going to let himself get emotionally attached to you or even 'fall in love' with you. You'll be his OW on the side all the meanwhile lying, betraying and cheating on your boyfriend.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and to be honest he doesn't deserve what I have been doing. I recently had a huge bereavement and in all honesty I have gone off the rails. I have never in my life cheated before!

GO to counseling and sort yourself out. You say you've never cheated and now you're doing just that. And you are right, your boyfriend doesn't deserve this. Either break up with him and then do as you please with other guy or end it with the guy and reconnect with your boyfriend. Continuing on this way is going to mess you up even more and eventually you'll get caught.

[Poppy47]

Can you not see what a sicko this man is to be texting you when his girlfriend is with him?

 

He must get some warped enjoyment out of being able to get away with it in front of her. That, is to my mind, a form of emotional abuse.

 

Get disentangled from the whole incestuous mess, PLEASE.

 

Do you want to be treated like the girl friend? I'll bet he wouldn't hesitate to do that to you too.

 

He's HORRIBLE.!

Poppy.

[Sassy Girl]

Ugh. He sounds like a right catch.

 

See how he disrespects every woman he knows? why should you be any different?

 

This man is toxic.

[Ms. Faust]

You're in love with the thrill and the idea you are getting away with something right in front of that person's face. I think you're both toxic. Lame.

 

There is no reason this should even be an affair. He breaks up with his lady friend, you break up with your boyfriend. Go be together. Of course, it won't be nearly as exciting, but you're "in love" and together now, right?

Edited August 12, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[anika99]

My head is a complete mess...his girlfriend will be in the pub and he will be staring at me, texting me things like "I just want her to leave, dont worry shes going soon so we can go for a drink when you're finished, I wish you were sitting here not her" and "She asked to stay at mine but ive managed to avoid it so you can call round after work" ect. Things like this make me think he does really like me....but on the other hand I don't know if im just being a fool risking my relationship for something that will never develop into more than a dirty secret.

 

 

 

Any advice would be appreciated x

 

 

The bolded doesn't mean he really likes you. It means he's a total creep with no respect for the women in his life. He's not married to the poor woman, only been dating her for a few months. If he has such disdain for her why can't he be a man of integrity and just tell her he doesn't want to date her anymore. This is a woman he has known for years and this is how little respect he has for their friendship? Disgusting!! He is showing you what a total loser little troll of a man he is.

[RainDown]

I don't think this person is (or ever has been) relationship material. Women seem to be toys to him and it appears you are the newest one.

 

Have a good time (if you must), but leave it at that. He's not good enough to bother having any kind of serious thing with.

[Zagan]

He's evidently addicted to the element of the thrill and excitement that being a cheating little scumbag brings with it. I understand that in a lot of cases the dynamics are complicated and not all people who cheat are the same, but somebody who sits there with his girlfriend txting another woman, and sneaking off to kiss her, is a bonafide scumbag. And this woman was his 'good friend'? He sounds very respectful doesn't he?

Of course sometimes it sounds like he 'really likes' you, he has sex on tap at the pub as well as the beer. He's never had an honest relationship without being deceitful. To most people these would be huge red flags, but you're risking your relationship and your job for it.. That's nuts.

Go ahead and leave your boyfriend,your job.. Be exclusive with him.. Then when he gets bored beceause there is no element of the forbidden thrill and starts cheating with somebody else maybe then you will realise what a complete tool you made the choice to screw up your life for. I'm sure it will be so exciting for you when you're sitting with him and he's texting another woman telling her he wishes you weren't there so he can go fk her.

I always wonder why two people who are both cheating on their partners who are sooo in love don't just leave their relationships that they evidently care nothing for and go off into the sunset together. That would just be too mundane and real I suppose.