He met his ex

[ckid]

So im having a problem with my boyf.

We are going out for 1.5 years and were pretty happy. We never really fight but the only time we do it is about his ex. We broke up before because of her and only got back together as he said there wud be no more contact with her.

 

So anyway told me last week that he had met up with his ex when i was outta town, just for a coffee and to catch up as he had not seen her in almost 2 years.

 

Im pretty hurt that he did this especially as we only got back together on condition that there was no contact with her.

 

He says that they just met as friends and he has no feelings at all for her. But why meet up at all then??

 

Should i just accept his explanation and get on with things??

[tokyo]

Why did you have fights over his ex before?

[ckid]

She kept ringing him the whole time when we were going out the first time and eventually admitted he wasnt over her so we split up. We only got back together as he said he knew he was completely over her and wanted to be with me

[WithOrWithoutYou]

It might have just been about closure. Has he apologized for doing this behind your back, and promised no further contact from this point forward (and said he really means it this time)?

[XNemesisX]

It sounds like the big problem I had with my ex. Girl, I will tell you right now. If it's anything like my ex relationship, he is full of hot air when he says no more contact with her. He is disrespecting you by being dishonest about his ex. Don't count on him to ever completely stop contact with her. I learned the hard way that if they want to do it, they will do it regardless of what you want. My ex and I had also got back together on the condition that he stopped contact with an ex. It never happened, he just became more sneaky about it. You really need to think about whether or not you can stand having 3 people in this relationship.

[ckid]

He apologised and said he had no interest in ever seeing her again, but that he met up with her just to see how she was getting on. They went out for 5 years.

 

I just dont know if I can still trust him but do I throw away a 1.5yr relationship over this????

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by ckid

He apologised and said he had no interest in ever seeing her again, but that he met up with her just to see how she was getting on. They went out for 5 years.

 

I just dont know if I can still trust him but do I throw away a 1.5yr relationship over this????

 

There is a big difference between saying he has no interest in ever seeing her again (and the relatives of that phrase, "I have no plans to ever see her again," "I don't think I will ever see her again in a million years", and "I have absolutely no intention of ever seeing her again"), and saying unequivocally that he WON'T, ever, under any circumstnaces, exclamation point, see her again.

 

Sorry, but I'm good at spotting equivocal language. I have an ex who could have taught a class in it, and in her case, it always meant the very worst of what it could possibly mean.

 

If he will make that commitment to you (without the equivocation), then I'm not sure you should throw away a year and a half relationship, no. If he does it again after making that committment to you a second time, then yes. Remember, everybody deserves a second chance. For a third, there has to be a damned good reason.

[CurlyIam]

It depends a lot on how much crap you're willing to take. If you guys broke up because of her, clearly he's NOT over her. And each time he contacts her and talks to her, he disrespects your relationship.

 

What I'd do: I'd forgive him and I'd tell him that if ever he contacts her in anyway, shape or form, he's out the window. And I'd be damn sure to stick to it also.

 

You can't make him do anything. He has to do it. HE has to cut all contact. If he wants to.

 

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[Lonestar]

I wouldn't trust it. My ex and I had an on again off again relationship for three years after being together for 2 years. If I want him, no matter who he's with, I could have him - sexually, not necessarily relationship. That's just the way he feels about me, and if it hasn't changed in all this time, I doubt it ever will. He compares every woman to me.

 

I would always be wary of anyone who still sees and talks to their ex, although casual friendships are possible, it seems like one or the other always has feelings they can't let go of.

[XNemesisX]

Exactly!!!

 

And do you really want a boyfriend who can only give you half of his heart, because the other half is still with his ex? Or how about 1/3 of his heart? Would you settle for that?

 

 

I just dont know if I can still trust him but do I throw away a 1.5yr relationship over this????

 

I wasted 2 years on my ex...and forgave him time and time again for his repeated contact with his ex. He lied it about it also, it wasn't until I found a text message to her saying "you know I still love you baby" that I got rid of my idiotic denial over it. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back, and I did....BUT----

 

I just dont know if I can still trust him

 

You have already lost trust in him, and probably permanently. You will be forever paranoid and obsessed over it. Trust me, after so many times of the lying crap about their exes you will finally get the picture that their ex will never go away short of a train running over them or death. I know it sounds bad, but it's true. And if you are anything like me, I really don't care much for only getting a shred of a man's heart because the rest is left with someone else from years ago. Hell, my xbf's ex was someone he barely knew and had sex with after 5 minutes of meeting on a spring break trip. He only spent maybe 5 days total of his life wtih her but they had a LDR after that. THIS is who destroyed my relationship! A spring break hoochie who told him it was fate 24/7 that they screwed because they were staying in the same hotel! If he is that easily won over, I don't want his weird a** anyway.

 

What I'd do: I'd forgive him and I'd tell him that if ever he contacts her in anyway, shape or form, he's out the window. And I'd be damn sure to stick to it also.

 

Only problem with that is, how will she really know he is not contacting her? My ex lied about it for years, it wasn't until I saw the text message on his phone that I realized the truth. Had I not snooped I would have never known. Had I not checked voicemails I wouldn't have known. Had I not broke in his f*cking email account I would have never known. If I hadn't talked to his psycho ex who called him fateboy all the time, and had her scream at me that "she's sorry my boyfriend is still in love with her and that it was fate" then I would have not known. Do you want to end up like the way I was, ckid? Paranoid and jealous all the time and miserable? Furthermore, is it worth to be your own private investigator to make sure he is not lying? You already know he is a liar....

[heart2heart]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I wouldn't trust it. My ex and I had an on again off again relationship for three years after being together for 2 years. If I want him, no matter who he's with, I could have him - sexually, not necessarily relationship. That's just the way he feels about me, and if it hasn't changed in all this time, I doubt it ever will. He compares every woman to me.

 

Same here. I have an ex also who just couldn't/can't seem to let go of me and we are talking 22 years in total here so I wouldn't trust it either. We had an off/on relationship for 9 years in my case and during the 'off periods' he would meet other women, but he ALWAYS came back to me. He even got himself engaged to another woman at one point, wedding date was set and everything, he'd been with her 2 years, then suddenly he called it all off because he wanted to be with me. We did eventually part the ways however because I moved long distance, but years later he turns up looking for me and by this time he's married!!!!!! I'm not a 'homewrecker' however and so when he came back and we arranged to meet, I backed out and never did turn up for our meeting. Think it pissed him off because after that I never heard from him again, but I know that somewhere down the line I will. He ALWAYS comes back!

 

I would always be wary of anyone who still sees and talks to their ex, although casual friendships are possible, it seems like one or the other always has feelings they can't let go of.

 

Casual friendships between ex's are possible, but it leaves one wondering why these ex's want to remain friends???

[suegail]

I've never figured out how people emotionally make the jump to the next relationship before recovering from the last. In some cases (not all, I'm sure) they try to cover up feelings, they flat out lie about their feelings and obviously often about the fact that they do cling to hopes for the relationship, and often about the fact that they're trying in some pathetic way to maintain some contact, whilst they are telling another that their heart is open and true. I could not do this. I'd have a nervous breakdown in the process.

 

It seems to me that if you're doing this sort of thing it's really cheating the person who sincerely cares for you, you're cheating them out of the chance of finding someone who cares for them in exactly the same way.

[heart2heart]

Originally posted by suegail

I've never figured out how people emotionally make the jump to the next relationship before recovering from the last. In some cases (not all, I'm sure) they try to cover up feelings, they flat out lie about their feelings and obviously often about the fact that they do cling to hopes for the relationship, and often about the fact that they're trying in some pathetic way to maintain some contact, whilst they are telling another that their heart is open and true. I could not do this. I'd have a nervous breakdown in the process.

 

I'm not sure either. In my situation with the ex, it only took him two weeks to make the leap from me to someone else. It made me think at that time, that he hadn't loved me nor cared for me at all, else he couldn't have fallen into another womans arms so easily. But maybe I was wrong because a few months after, he tried to come back to me again, (which I knew he would eventually because he always did come back). He would deliberately show up in places where he knew I'd be, he always made an instant beeline for me when he saw me, it was obvious he still had heaps of feelings for me, etc........but he by then had a fiance and a child and was due to be married.......so any question of an 'us' again was a 'no go' as far as I was concerned. He had no choice but to accept what I said, that we were over. This is when I moved away long distance (he had no clue where I was until he found me on the internet)........and surprise, surprise, he shows up years later again telling me he still cares, he's always thought about me over the years, etc. He's married now with three kids. Has his heart truly always been with me all these years? I don't know. IMO, he couldn't have remained married for all this time and to the same woman, if he truly loved me more than her.

So I don't think his marriage has been a sham and I doubt whether he'll be tossing and turning over me in bed at night.

[XNemesisX]

heart2heart~

 

Why didn't you all get back together and stay together? Just curious....I was in a similar situation with my ex. He was still contacting an ex from years ago and I never could get him to stop....

[heart2heart]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

heart2heart~

 

Why didn't you all get back together and stay together? Just curious....I was in a similar situation with my ex. He was still contacting an ex from years ago and I never could get him to stop....

 

We didn't work as a 'full time' couple back then. We first met in our mid teens, were 'first loves' and we had a relationship lasting around a year in which we were an exclusive item. While in the beginning everything was great, I dunno, things just started going wrong, we would argue and fight a lot (mostly I was too blame because I'm quite fiery while the ex is placid natured). I was very possessive of him and stuff, he could be possessive of me also.....but I guess it was my fault that we eventually did break up. However he would keep on coming back to me shortly after we broke up and we had an on/off thing for the next nine years until we were in our mid twenties. He had quite a few girlfriends inbetween and I dated other guys, but we always got back together again. Seemed he couldn't and didn't want to let me go and I found it hard to let go of him either.....I was totally besotted with this guy, he was fascinated with me (for some reason) LOL!

 

I was the one to finally call a halt on the relationship because I wanted more from him that he seemed prepared to give, ie: a 'full' committment!!! One evening I'd sat him down and told him that all I wanted was to be with him for keeps and he said he'd think about, about us becoming 'exclusive' again. I got tired of waiting for him to make up his mind and so eventually and as I said, I finished things between us. Of course he was upset, didn't want things to end and he wanted for us to carry on as we were, but that wasn't enough for me.........so we parted the ways. Then two weeks later he'd met someone else, got himself engaged to be married, had a child........then not even a year later, he shows up and wants me again. Tells me he can't forget me, he still loves me, wants to be with me. I tell him that there will never be an 'us' again because he's with someone else, he has a child now, things are different. Didn't stop him pursuing me. The pursuing ended when I moved away and he didn't know where I was............until recently that is!

 

Hope this helps somewhat.

[sarah12]

ckid - I think you should accept his apologies and trust that he won't see her again. If he hadn't seen her in 2 years, it doesn't look like he was exactly aching to see her. He probably just wanted to catch up, see where that person is at. We all wonder about our ex's in that way, whether they ended well or ended badly. I have seen my first exbf about every 1.5 years since we broke up. There's nothing there though, just want to see how he's doing.

 

I suspect he did this while you were away because otherwise you would have been upset about him going, or prevented him from seeing her altogether, when he knew all along that there wouldn't be trouble anyways, because he loves you, and not her. While I'm not saying he's right in doing this, he at least told you about it, so that there is nothing to hide. If he does see her again, which is going against your trust and his own words, then I would think things over.

 

XNX - I have been/am that type of ex to one guy, and it seems that no matter how long you were together for, you can develop a strong emotional attachment that is almost addictive. He has a girlfriend now that he's beenw ith for years, and I've completely respected their relationship and he knows this, but it is him that keeps coming back for more. His gf forbids him to talk to me but we have mutual friends so that isn't possible. He hasn't physically cheated on her but he lies to her if I'm around with his friends, and I'd definitely say he has crossed the line with me emotionally.

[westernxer]

I can't wait to hear what he does the next time you head out of town...

[Cupcake]

I would agree with Sarah12 that you should accept his apologies and try to look at this from a positive angle. But only if he really was upfront about the meeting with the ex this time. As long as you didn't have to go snooping to find out about it.

 

Like many of the other posters, I too have lost a man I loved because of his ex. Now that I'm his ex, he has contacted me, despite the fact that he's seriously involved with someone else. His new GF hates me and feels threatened by him contacting me, the same as I felt about him contacting his ex. Now I see that his GF has a good reason to be insecure.

 

Most of us do wonder what our ex's are doing after several years of no contact. But unless we still have some sort of feelings for the ex's, we would NOT sabatoge relationships with people we love simply because we want to remain informed of our ex's lives. It's okay if we happen to cross paths with our ex's on basis of work together or some other fateful event that allows us to speak and be friendly for a moment or two.

 

But to literally contact an ex on purpose just to see what they are up to, that is a MAJOR problem. It suggest that feelings are still there.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Cupcake

But to literally contact an ex on purpose just to see what they are up to, that is a MAJOR problem. It suggest that feelings are still there.

 

Most definitely!

[heart2heart]

Originally posted by Cupcake

 

 

Most of us do wonder what our ex's are doing after several years of no contact. But unless we still have some sort of feelings for the ex's, we would NOT sabatoge relationships with people we love simply because we want to remain informed of our ex's lives. It's okay if we happen to cross paths with our ex's on basis of work together or some other fateful event that allows us to speak and be friendly for a moment or two.

 

Some of them are sly about the contact though, they don't let on to their partner/wife that they are contacting ex girlfriends. I don't suppose my ex (who came back after 10 years), told his wife about what he was up too/or informed her that he'd contacted me by email. His wife hated me, saw me as a major threat to his and her relationship because she knew of our past long history together, so I doubt she'd have relished the thought we were corresponding. So he prob got away scot free in what he did, she'll be totally oblivious to the fact that we've been in contact and so their marriage remains intact.

 

He came back claiming he'd wondered about me all these years, wondered what I was doing, how I was doing, he wanted me to know that he still cared for me, etc, etc. I sensed that he still held feelings due to certain things he was saying, he'd seemed very sentimental when he talked of the past and of course a lot would view the fact that we were emailing as an 'emotional infidelity', however I wouldn't because I don't think we crossed any major boundaries. Mails were friendly, we talked about old times, what we were up to these days - however nothing was mentioned in regard to how we felt about each other now. I did get an opportunity to go and see him, he was in my area a while since on business, but I didn't show up. After that he didn't mail back, perhaps he took it as a sign that I wasn't interested, I don't know. Maybe he came to his senses, realised that by meeting me he would be then risking his marriage, I just don't know. I didn't mail back to find out, I left it well alone. I'd love to know what his *real* purpose for coming back was though. I mean after 10 years, I'd have thought he would have forgotten all about me, obviously he hadn't, I've never quite fully left his thoughts.

 

But to literally contact an ex on purpose just to see what they are up to, that is a MAJOR problem. It suggest that feelings are still there.

 

If he/she is contacting the ex, with the girlfriend/boyfriends knowledge, then at least they are being upfront and honest about what they are doing. It's when they aren't sharing the info that they are contacting an ex and are being secretive about it, that they perhaps have something to hide, IMO anyhow.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by ckid

We broke up before because of her and only got back together as he said there wud be no more contact with her.

 

He didn't keep his promise. Let him know that. You have a right to be upset. He doesn't need to know how she is doing now. There are emails and telephones, right?

And what would it change if he knows how she feels now? It's not like she is dying or anything.

I don't think it's a reason for a fight, but it's always best to make people promise things and then argue on a solid basis. While it might be okay that he met his ex, it's not okay that he didn't keep his word.

Tell him to think about making a promise to not see her again. Tell him that he must voluntarily agree on this and not accuse you that you made him say that. And if he breaks his promise this time or dares to lie to you, you will know that he cannot be trusted about anything. It's the little things that give us away. We don't need to see the whole shark; it's enough to see its fin and know that there's a shark under the sea.

[XNemesisX]

I still think that no matter what you say to him he will still do it if he wants to. He will tell you he will never talk to her again, does not like her anymore, blah blah but you already have proof in front of you that he isn't over it.

 

I didn't want to accept it either about my ex. It sucks and its painful. Telling him he can never contact her again will just make him do it behind your back and tell you he is not doing it. I've dealt with these types before. Its better to find someone who is not still in love with an ex when you seek out a boyfriend. (altho it is kind of hard to know this about someone in the beginning..isn't it?)

 

When i think about all the heartbreak I went through over my ex still contacting his ex all the time behind my back and repeatedly lying about it, I could cringe.

 

Don't count on him being a one woman kind of man any time soon. His ex will always be in the back of his head. Sure you can handle that? I know I couldn't....

[rohini]

that situation would concern me as well. lying suggests there is something to hide. turning it around on you and saying you would only get upset, while true, doesn't seem constructive. tell him that if she is going to be a part of his life then she is a part of your life too as you two are in a relationship together. then explain that your no contact rule was you trying to protect your emotions at the time. let him know that as long as there is no lying and i mean NO LYING then there shouldn't be anything that the two of you can't get through together.

 

do you have any ex's that you are curious about? wonder what they are doing? i do not, i thought because im in love, but maybe its not that simple for everyone. maybe its ego. maybe he just wanted to show her how well he is doing that would probably make anyone feel good. im not sure i don't have a handle on why men want to be good friends with their ex's, although i very much approve of being friendly and nice. who wants to be the ex that is talked bad about all the time, or hated?

 

personally its true that people are going to do what they are going to do. nobody can control anothers life. but you can say, this decision hurts me because you lied, bottom line. i acknowledge that it may have been unreasonable to tell you how to live your life, but i thought that it was a mutual agreement as we felt our relationship was more important. from now on if you cannot be honest with me then we have failed otherwise there isn't anything we can't get through together. then maybe thank him for being honest.

 

it will be hard i think. hurt feelings, and the feeling of betrayel can get in the way. but try to remember all the reasons why you love him and treat him with the dignity you want. maybe that will generate some positivity and understanding. it will be hard for him to understand you if he is on the defensive. good luck. lemmie know what he says.

 

btw have you ever tried talking to his ex? what is she like?