ShatteredHearts Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 There are so many thoughts running through my head, yet it's a struggle to get them all out at the same time. I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like a fool. My last update is here:Received this message, or the only closure I'll get. Break it down for me .. - LoveShack.org Community Forums I hope that link works. He started coming back little by little. Messaging at work, keeping it "light and friendly." Still saying he was figuring things out, as he had not moved back home. There was no contact outside of work until about a month ago, when i would get a random text here and there. Over the past few weeks he came over a few times to talk. And that's all we did, sat and talked. Nothing physical happened. In a nutshell, he was spending nights back at their house with her, but still hadn't officially moved back home yet. Kept saying he wanted to, thought he was ready but couldn't pull the trigger because there was still a level of uncertainty. Then told me that when he does move back home, he still wanted to talk to me because "we have history." Stupidly I agreed, because I was holding on to a shred of hope that he wouldn't go back. Fast forward to this past week. He comes over to talk again, says they got into it the other night because she wanted him to stay the night and he didn't want to. So she tells him to go do his own thing, spend time alone and figure out what he wants. Then he proceeds to tell me that sex between them lately had been great. And supposedly she recently asked him how she compared to me, bc if they were going to work she "needed to know" because she was working to change things. Now mind you, she thought he had cut contact with me back in the winter. He said he felt awkward and didn't answer her, but again said how things had gotten better between them. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. He said he was keeping his distance and not going to the house or seeing her. Was taking time to see how life would be without her. Said that he was afraid of the financial fallout of things if he left, but they had been working on things for awhile and there were still issues that hadn't changed, so he didn't know what to do. Then tells me he cares about me, but his feelings aren't as strong as what mine are for him. So what happens next? We had sex. To make things worse, he wouldn't even kiss me..because "it's more emotional when you do that." I'm literally shaking my head as I type this. Fast forward to this Friday night. He calls me drunk and asks to come over, but I said no. We ended up talking on the phone for an hour. He said he hadn't seen her all week, was keeping his distance and thinking things out still. Then says even the the thought of being single and being able to do as he pleases doesn't make him happy. I said then you really need to take time for yourself, go back to IC and figure out what is going on, because you won't find happiness in anyone other than yourself. He agreed, then said he wanted to see me this weekend to hang out and talk more, bc he "really valued me as a friend." I hear nothing from him at all yesterday. Late last night I was coming home from going out with a friend, so I drove around their neighborhood. Yeah..I know. I've reached that level, but I had to see it with my own eyes. And sure enough, his car was parked right next to hers in the driveway. So much for taking time to figure things out. I am numb. I'm also confused because my heart doesn't want to believe what my head is telling me. Two years of my life I've been involved with this man. And since he moved out last fall, I've been clinging to shreds of hope that he wouldn't move back home..and would want to be with me. I'm broken. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't know what to do. My head is spinning at the thought of seeing him at work tomorrow. Because I'm sure he'll want to be "light and friendly" again. I want him to hurt like I am, but I don't think that's possible. I would love to hear your thoughts, any words of advice to help me through this. Thank you.
blue963 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 He is such a coward. He cant be straight up with you. I am so sorry. You at least deserve honestly. Do you want to continue contact with him? Is it worth all of this hurt? n Not judging, i get it.
Josmatjes Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Sweetie, you need to block him and go dark. He is using you as a fallback girl and he always will. You have proven to him that it's ok for him to treat you this way! Why? Aren't you worth more? Don't you deserve someone just for you? You absolutely cannot be friends with him. Even if he left her and came to you he would always run back to her when things get too heavy with you. He does it to her.he is weak and he is a liar. Stop falling for his lies. You are worth more...choose you!! 5
Lois_Griffin Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I don't know what to do. You most certainly DO know exactly what to do. So do it.
RoseVille Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Has he ever offered proof that he moved out? Mine "moved out" at one point, and he just went to his parents or brother's house. It was more of a few days of cooling off after a fight where things came to a head. Him not kissing you during sex and calling you when drunk to hookup, after telling you his feelings for you aren't as strong as yours are, makes it pretty obvious what he's after. Easier said than done, but take the history out of the situation. He's happy as a clam at home and just looking for an easy hookup outside of it. Does that work for you? 2
Babs22 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Shattered Hearts I am so sorry you are going through this and are experiencing so much pain. It is pretty obvious to those of us reading (and I think to you also), that your MM is not choosing you. He will sleep with you (and not kiss you) and he is still having sex with his wife. Plus he told you his feelings for you are not as strong as your feelings are towards him. You really do need to go NC. There is no way you can remain "friends" with your MM. This is killing you. It sounds like you work with him. I don't know how you will ever get over him if you have to see him at work everyday. Is there any way you could get a new job or transfer to another office? I used to work with my MM and I figured out that if we broke up, my heart would be shattered just like yours and I wouldn't be able to bare seeing him every day. I now don't work with m MM anymore, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. You need to find a way not to see him daily, whatever that may be. This is not going anywhere for you. He is using you for your friendship, your emotional support and for sex. That is all. You need to do something for you now, and leave this relationship to nowhere. Hugz, I can relate to how hard this is going to be for you.
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 This guy is using you as an emotional crutch, he is NOT your friend. I cannot believe he is even telling you about his sex life with his wife. UGH! I do not believe in violence but you would have got a free pass from me had you slapped him in the face as soon as he brought that one up. THEN he treats you like a hooker with the no kissing rule, whilst he f*cks you... He is just wonderful????!!! DO NOT put up with this level of disrespect from any man. Block him. 9
Darren Steez Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Tell him to *!$% off! I mean seriously... What is this light and friendly? You know what he's doing and quite simply you are allowing him to do it, so why should he stop playing around with you..he's got the best of two worlds, you as his emotional crutch/plaything, he was setting you up for the sex, had you said yes come over when he drunk called you it would have happened had you allowed it. He's not your friend, your mate, your pal or your soul mate. Love nor respect allows for manipulation of this magnitude..think of his poor wife, she must be like you, being played left right and center. I wonder how much of a pal or a work collegue who keeps it "light and friendly" would he be if he knew you and his wife got together and were comparing notes? If this is your rock bottom then use this moment to start hoisting yourself off the ground towards the light. Stop being played and start demanding to be shown some respect and cut this roach out of your life. You deserve better. No more chats or talks at work, change your phone number and move on. 1
Lurkeraspect Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 There are so many thoughts running through my head, yet it's a struggle to get them all out at the same time. I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like a fool. My last update is here:Received this message, or the only closure I'll get. Break it down for me .. - LoveShack.org Community Forums I hope that link works. He started coming back little by little. Messaging at work, keeping it "light and friendly." Still saying he was figuring things out, as he had not moved back home. There was no contact outside of work until about a month ago, when i would get a random text here and there. Over the past few weeks he came over a few times to talk. And that's all we did, sat and talked. Nothing physical happened. In a nutshell, he was spending nights back at their house with her, but still hadn't officially moved back home yet. Kept saying he wanted to, thought he was ready but couldn't pull the trigger because there was still a level of uncertainty. Then told me that when he does move back home, he still wanted to talk to me because "we have history." Stupidly I agreed, because I was holding on to a shred of hope that he wouldn't go back. Fast forward to this past week. He comes over to talk again, says they got into it the other night because she wanted him to stay the night and he didn't want to. So she tells him to go do his own thing, spend time alone and figure out what he wants. Then he proceeds to tell me that sex between them lately had been great. And supposedly she recently asked him how she compared to me, bc if they were going to work she "needed to know" because she was working to change things. Now mind you, she thought he had cut contact with me back in the winter. He said he felt awkward and didn't answer her, but again said how things had gotten better between them. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. He said he was keeping his distance and not going to the house or seeing her. Was taking time to see how life would be without her. Said that he was afraid of the financial fallout of things if he left, but they had been working on things for awhile and there were still issues that hadn't changed, so he didn't know what to do. Then tells me he cares about me, but his feelings aren't as strong as what mine are for him. So what happens next? We had sex. To make things worse, he wouldn't even kiss me..because "it's more emotional when you do that." I'm literally shaking my head as I type this. Fast forward to this Friday night. He calls me drunk and asks to come over, but I said no. We ended up talking on the phone for an hour. He said he hadn't seen her all week, was keeping his distance and thinking things out still. Then says even the the thought of being single and being able to do as he pleases doesn't make him happy. I said then you really need to take time for yourself, go back to IC and figure out what is going on, because you won't find happiness in anyone other than yourself. He agreed, then said he wanted to see me this weekend to hang out and talk more, bc he "really valued me as a friend." I hear nothing from him at all yesterday. Late last night I was coming home from going out with a friend, so I drove around their neighborhood. Yeah..I know. I've reached that level, but I had to see it with my own eyes. And sure enough, his car was parked right next to hers in the driveway. So much for taking time to figure things out. I am numb. I'm also confused because my heart doesn't want to believe what my head is telling me. Two years of my life I've been involved with this man. And since he moved out last fall, I've been clinging to shreds of hope that he wouldn't move back home..and would want to be with me. I'm broken. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't know what to do. My head is spinning at the thought of seeing him at work tomorrow. Because I'm sure he'll want to be "light and friendly" again. I want him to hurt like I am, but I don't think that's possible. I would love to hear your thoughts, any words of advice to help me through this. Thank you. I couldn't read past the bold. Just read that over and over again. He's treated you like a prostitute. Whatever you thought this man was, he's a coward and has treated you horribly. I truly hope you can (once and for all) end this farce. 3
Grapesofwrath Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I believe this is what's known as "managing down" your expectations. He has managed you to a place where you will accept sex without emotions, booty calls, and painful stories about his situation at home. On top of this, he expects you to be "light and friendly," i.e. don't make any trouble. It's easy to see, from the outside, that he is using you for sex or whatever else he needs or wants in the moment. I agree it's time for NC. Write down all the worst things you remember, know, believe and read it to yourself when you're commitment to NC is wavering. Or come and read here. Honestly, this guy is heartless and selfish. 4
GoldieLox Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Stop letting him in. He's going to keep doing this to you as long as you allow it. No being "friends" (and I use that term lightly- this guy sounds like a total tool), no talking at work, don't even look at him. If you don't think you're strong enough to go dark and stay dark, as someone else put it (I like that term BTW) then transfer or switch jobs if possible. You're looking for something to fill a void, but you're not going to find it in this man, as you falsely believe. The longer you believe it, the more he's going to hurt you, because the longer you're going to continue to look for it from him. 2
Grapesofwrath Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Stop letting him in. He's going to keep doing this to you as long as you allow it. No being "friends" (and I use that term lightly- this guy sounds like a total tool), no talking at work, don't even look at him. If you don't think you're strong enough to go dark and stay dark, as Jos put it (I like that term BTW) then transfer or switch jobs if possible. You're looking for something to fill a void, but you're not going to find it in this man, as you falsely believe. The longer you believe it, the more he's going to hurt you, because the longer you're going to continue to look for it from him. Goldie: I had written "world-class tool" and then changed it. Reading it from you, it's definitely the right term.
GoldieLox Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Goldie: I had written "world-class tool" and then changed it. Reading it from you, it's definitely the right term. Seriously. My xAP did a number on me, but reading other people's stories here, he was like Prince f-cking Charming. Please see it for what it is, OP. This guy is treating you worse than a side piece. Find your worth, and never speak to him again. Please. You're worth a lot more than this. 2
still_an_Angel Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 He calls you when he's drunk, spends hours talking to you about his life, his marriage and all and has sex with you when he needs it. I can't believe he won't kiss you because it's "more emotional". Seriously?!? You need to whip his sorry ass and shove him out the door. That is so not on! You're not even in the girlfriend league! wtf?!? 1
sandylee1 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 You need to refuse to be disrespected. If you allow any man to treat you so badly , he will He has made it CRYSTAL CLEAR he doesn't want an emotional connection with you. He'll tell his wife this if he gets busted, making you out to be a broken woman who'll accept less than crumbs. The only question is, why you feel so little of yourself to accept this disgusting treatment. Send him an NC message, then block him in every way possible. If there was ever a case of being used, this is it. Please please tell yourself you're worth more than this and kick his behind to another planet.
Popsicle Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Make no mistake, he is going back to his wife. He's just trying to gently prepare you for it (and possibly for a continued A with him on the side). 5
Artie Lang Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 straight up cake-eater. he has two women on stand-by while he wallows in presumed self-pity, when in reality he's waiting both out for the better deal. he's playing the push n pull game here. 2
Matahari007 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Shatteredheart, as I'm sure many will agree you need to go 'no contact' and move on. I know easier said than done and I know you've probably heard it 100 times before but he has no idea what he wants but one thing for sure is, if he wanted to be with you there wouldn't be a 2nd thought. He'd be by yourside without hesitation. He wouldn't be trying to 'friend' zone you by saying he values you as a friend. I mean really what type of !@#$ is that? Don't waste another 2 years on a man that isn't certain of how he feels for you. You don't want to be a rebound or be available when he wants someone to have sex with. You are worth more than the crumbs he gives you. You saw his car parked at her home and they had sex not so long ago....look at his actions sweetie. Let him go..... Wishing you the best! 2
MonaLisa22 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 This sort of reminds me of a How I Met Your Mother episode where they talk about having a person on your hook. It sounds like this guy has you on his hook. He knows he is playing with your emotions and he probably likes the attention and may even like you, but doesn't want to rock what he has going on at home. He's getting attention from both sides and it's feeding his ego big time. Not to say he doesn't care, he may, just not enough to put your best interest before his own. It sounds like he knows he has you when he wants you to be there (for the most part). Even when you said you wouldn't come see him, you still talked to him for an hour. I am sorry that you are being treated in such a fashion and I guess the obvious solution is to end it and walk away (as much as one can when you see the person at work), but when your heart is in it, that's easier said than done. There are only so few people who come into our lives and make our heart skip a beat. Who make us smile and make us feel special. It's more than just a crush. May not be love, but it's still pretty strong. Walking away from that feeling or the hope of that feeling coming back is tough. So maybe try to cut conversations short or start to slowly answer his calls less and less. Try to cut out being the one to contact him. In other words slowly end things. Kind of like giving up smoking. Some can go cold turkey, some need to cut down a little bit at a time. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck. Don't hate yourself. Don't beat yourself up over this. Find the confidence and strength in you to do what is best for you. 2
Author ShatteredHearts Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Out of all of the scenarios that played out in my mind, I never thought this one would happen. He finally made a decision and told her it was over. Went to a lawyer and filed. The day that happened he ran to me, said it was our chance now. Fast forward a few days and he pulled back. Sent me a text saying he had issues and needed to work on himself with no distraction, before he'd be able to move on. I flat out asked - do you want to be with me? He said no. Said it wouldn't work because of how we got together, and how would it be perceived by others? He said he still cared about me but it wouldn't work. We haven't communicated since then. It's only been a few weeks, but I am struggling with how he could flip the switch so fast. Over 2 years invested with someone who come to find out, never really loved me at all. If they stayed together it would have been easier to accept, to know that we couldn't talk anymore. But to know that they are done and he has no desire to even be friends? That's s hard pill to swallow. 1
minimariah Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 i'm sorry, sweetheart. sending you many virtual hugs. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 That sucks. Sorry. Sounds like he enjoyed the thrill and now that he really has to commit and make it work, he run for the hills and wants to enjoy his new-found freedom. This may not be the last you've heard from him though. 1
cocorico Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Out of all of the scenarios that played out in my mind, I never thought this one would happen. He finally made a decision and told her it was over. Went to a lawyer and filed. The day that happened he ran to me, said it was our chance now. Fast forward a few days and he pulled back. Sent me a text saying he had issues and needed to work on himself with no distraction, before he'd be able to move on. I flat out asked - do you want to be with me? He said no. Said it wouldn't work because of how we got together, and how would it be perceived by others? He said he still cared about me but it wouldn't work. We haven't communicated since then. It's only been a few weeks, but I am struggling with how he could flip the switch so fast. Over 2 years invested with someone who come to find out, never really loved me at all. If they stayed together it would have been easier to accept, to know that we couldn't talk anymore. But to know that they are done and he has no desire to even be friends? That's s hard pill to swallow. Perhaps you need to take this at face value - that he has accepted that he has issues that he needs to work on, and wants to work on them without distractions. It does not mean that he didn't love you (or that he did) - it means that, right now, his mind and his emotions are a mess. You're best not embroiled in that, as he'll be mourning not only the loss of his M (and his "failure" as a H) but his loss of that idealised image of himself that he has to put aside. He may become angry at himself for engaging in an A - and if you're around, that may spill over into anger at you, and you may get tarred with the same brush as he paints himself in a negative light as part of coming to terms with himself. Over time, as he sorts himself out and makes peace with who he really is, he may come to realise what a great R you had, and to miss you and to seek you out - or he may not. It may be a classic "exit A" for him, just a crowbar to wedge him out of an unhappy M. He will only really know once he has done the work on himself that he needs to do. At that point, if he seeks you out, you will have the option of a new R with the new, improved him - or to walk away, as you prefer. What I don't recommend, though, is putting your life on hold on the off chance that he will come and seek you out - you have no way of knowing if he will, or how long he would take. Best just get on with your own life, and if, one day, he does seek you out, you can decide then whether you want any kind of R with him or not. 6
NewLeaf512 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Out of all of the scenarios that played out in my mind, I never thought this one would happen. He finally made a decision and told her it was over. Went to a lawyer and filed. The day that happened he ran to me, said it was our chance now. Fast forward a few days and he pulled back. Sent me a text saying he had issues and needed to work on himself with no distraction, before he'd be able to move on. I flat out asked - do you want to be with me? He said no. Said it wouldn't work because of how we got together, and how would it be perceived by others? He said he still cared about me but it wouldn't work. We haven't communicated since then. It's only been a few weeks, but I am struggling with how he could flip the switch so fast. Over 2 years invested with someone who come to find out, never really loved me at all. If they stayed together it would have been easier to accept, to know that we couldn't talk anymore. But to know that they are done and he has no desire to even be friends? That's s hard pill to swallow. hugs mine got the divorce papers, told the wife, dropped me and stayed with her all on the same day. I get it
Ms. Faust Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Honey, you have 5 other threads with basically the same story: he's into you, he's not. He loves you, he doesn't. He has sex with you, he has sex with his wife. You mentioned he is a people pleaser and also that he told you he doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do him. It sounds like you are fun for him on the side, but not something he wants long term and committed. Plus, you have children and it sounds like he does not. That would be a whole new lifestyle for him, one he may not be willing to embark on. Let him go. He is wishy washy. He DOES need to clear his head. He is doing you a favor breaking it off. 4
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