Jnkomo007 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 My best friend and wife flirting! Dear Love Shack Been with my wife for almost 15 years now married her 9 years ago. About a year ago my best friend let his wife have sex with another guy while he watched and sent pics to my wife. A couple of months later my wife finally told me about it. not only was I shocked, but surprised that he told and showed my wife and not me, and she asked me no to speak to him, so he doesn't know that I do. At the beginning of the year my friend started talking to my wife about wife swopping or her having sex with another guy, when she approached me in another kind of direction, I kind of said no also because I had at this stage had some suspicions. Cutting a long story short.....I managed to look at her phone messages and they had sent naughty pics to each other, my wife's was just her breasts and he kept trying to talk flirty, all my emotions came in, anger, sadness, shocked. Reading through it all it all seemed to stop around the time I had said NO to sex with other people or more accurately I said " I don't think I could deal with another guy having his way with my wife while I watch. then fast track to now and he is trying to flirt again talking naughty like "I want to bend you over my knee pull up your skirt and spank your bare bottom......" kind of talk and asking her to send more naughty pics. She has not sent any flirty replays to his texts though so I kind of feel she is liking the attention which I'm worried will escalate, but it is clear that she is not initiating it at all and that he is. What also puts gasoline to the fire is that my friend is trying to offer her a job its a good job and we need the money but after reading all the messages I'm against it. I NEED help with the following A Do I speak to both of them at the same time B Do I tell his wife C Do I speak to them individually D Or do I just speak to my wife get her to make him stop Which ever the answer how do I approach it. I love my wife and and can forgive my friend I care for him and his wife they are a big part of my life but I just don't know how to handle this and turn it around so that we don't lose each other. Thanks for your time Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You need to speak to your friend and ask him to stop. I'm surprised you'd still want him in your life, no friend of mine would do that. I think you're taking this lightly, especially where you refer to flirting, what you wrote is a lot more than flirting. Sexual harrasment & your wife cheating. Your wife disrespected you and your marriage. You talk to her separately. I'm not sure this job is a good idea, but then you know your friendship, better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 First off maybe there is more under the covers than you think is going on. I would sit down with both of them right after another and confront them. Don't admit you have evidence (or at least limit your evidence and ask them about the things you do know that they don't know you know) but say you suspect something is going on and get them to spill the beans. Do that to each person and see what they admit or do not admit. This might give you some idea who is lying and who is telling the truth. Don't give them a chance to stick to the same story so do it quickly to both sides. Once you have done that now you can go back and ask about all the discrepancies if there are any. I think this is the only way you will find out the whole true because I suspect there is going to be a lot of what they call trickle truth (little by little releasing small pieces of truth). Once you get to the bottom then you all need to talk about your expectations of one another including your friends wife. Sounds like your friends are swingers so if that doesn't appease to you then the best thing might be to part ways. You wife has majorly cross boundaries that she should not have crossed and the same for your friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You really need to talk to your wife. Sounds like she and your best friend are on dangerous territory here. Is she bored with your sex life? What can you do to spice it up? Do you need to flirt more with her? Think of the things you would do when courting her that you don't do any more... try doing those again. The job? I have to say it sounds like its being offered under false pretences... Be wary. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 What you can't do is nothing. I guess its a good sign that your wife told you about it, the bad is that she is interested in him sexually. I think you have to decide what's more important him as a friend or her as a wife. They have crossed lines and I don't think it wise to let this go unchecked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 See my answers in bold below. My best friend and wife flirting! Dear Love Shack Been with my wife for almost 15 years now married her 9 years ago. About a year ago my best friend let his wife have sex with another guy while he watched and sent pics to my wife. A couple of months later my wife finally told me about it. not only was I shocked, but surprised that he told and showed my wife and not me, and she asked me no to speak to him, so he doesn't know that I do. At the beginning of the year my friend started talking to my wife about wife swopping or her having sex with another guy, when she approached me in another kind of direction, I kind of said no also because I had at this stage had some suspicions. Cutting a long story short.....I managed to look at her phone messages and they had sent naughty pics to each other, my wife's was just her breasts and he kept trying to talk flirty, all my emotions came in, anger, sadness, shocked. Reading through it all it all seemed to stop around the time I had said NO to sex with other people or more accurately I said " I don't think I could deal with another guy having his way with my wife while I watch. then fast track to now and he is trying to flirt again talking naughty like "I want to bend you over my knee pull up your skirt and spank your bare bottom......" kind of talk and asking her to send more naughty pics. She has not sent any flirty replays to his texts though so I kind of feel she is liking the attention which I'm worried will escalate, but it is clear that she is not initiating it at all and that he is. What also puts gasoline to the fire is that my friend is trying to offer her a job its a good job and we need the money but after reading all the messages I'm against it. I NEED help with the following A Do I speak to both of them at the same time Yes, you need to speak to them both at the same time. It's the best way to confront two people who have betrayed your trust as a best friend and a husband. If you give them any leeway at all, they will try to deflect their blame and guilt back to you -- to evade feeling bad for going behind your back. This is your opportunity to tell them how their actions have made you feel, and what the consequences of their actions are: - end the friendship with your best friend, for example. -marriage counseling with your wife B Do I tell his wife Invite her over so the four of you can talk openly about this behavior. She needs to know what her husband's doing behind her back too. As I said, don't give your wife or best friend any leeway of talking to them one-on-one or they will lie to you and to the other wife even more, to cover their tracks. Then, whatever happens let your best friend work out his marriage problems with his own wife. That's not your problem to solve. C Do I speak to them individually No because if you do that, they will conspire to lie to you about their involvement, when you speak to them each separately. I've read enough posts from cheaters here and people cheated on, to know that strategy never works. When you confront them together, it's a way to call them both out on their behavior with nowhere for them to run and hide. They can't conspire in front of you. Sure, one of them could lie to you, then the other could back it up. But seeing them both sitting in front of you allows you to read their body language and facial expressions enough so that you can spot when they are lying to protect each other. D Or do I just speak to my wife get her to make him stop Which ever the answer how do I approach it. No because she clearly likes his attention, so she will cover up his contact with her so that you don't know it's continuing. She won't make him stop unless you confront them both together. If she values her marriage to you over his fawning attention, then confronting her and him sitting down together will show you their true feelings for you and for each other. I love my wife and and can forgive my friend I care for him and his wife they are a big part of my life but I just don't know how to handle this and turn it around so that we don't lose each other. Thanks for your time Frankly, I don't think your best friend respects you and you seriously need to reconsider this friendship with him for going behind your back the way he has. Sending your spouse dirty photos of himself, is not the behavior of a friend who respects you or his friend's wife. Yuck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Okay, first off. That's not flirting. That's cheating. There is no coy little touches or innuendo's or questionable comments. That's nude pics, sexting and attempting to convince you to do something you don't want to do orchestrated by them. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do infront of your significant other. You don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 it starts of as flirting than later it ll be something behind your back ... sounds like your best friend is married, so call his wife over for a talk w/ your friend along w/ your wife ( already has been mentioned ). and tell them at how you feel regarding the situation w/ also making his wife know ... because I think ( IMO ) your doesn't respect you and if he did, he wouldn't be doing that ... w/ you wife Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 First order of business is to tell the friends wife. Second, is to tell this friend he is now your ex friend and he is not to have further contact with you or your wife. Tell your wife that you will no longer tolerate any contact with the OM. Then block the OM from all means of contacting your WW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 JnKomo007, Before I respond to your post can you tell me if you have any children, what their ages are and if there have been any other "dodgy" situations with other extraneous people in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Okay, first off. That's not flirting. That's cheating. There is no coy little touches or innuendo's or questionable comments. That's nude pics, sexting and attempting to convince you to do something you don't want to do orchestrated by them. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do infront of your significant other. You don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat. This. And even if he initiates the texts, your wife could say STOP IT and/or show them to you and have you intervene. She hasn't. This should be confronted. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 you need to talk to both of them at the same time then speak to each one of them individually. bring both of them and make it clear that you do not tolerate swinging and make sure they understand that you are not comfortable with their behaviors and flirting. if they try to deny or act defensive tell them that you know about their messages then just leave the room. After that, talk to your wife, and see how she reacts, if she is remorseful and admitting fault that's fine if not you will have a long way to go and hard decision to make. Then talk to him and tell him that your friendship depends on him respecting your boundaries. No need in my opinion to get his wife involved Link to post Share on other sites
VengeanceGuidesMe Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 (edited) My best friend and wife flirting! Dear Love Shack Been with my wife for almost 15 years now married her 9 years ago. About a year ago my best friend let his wife have sex with another guy while he watched and sent pics to my wife. A couple of months later my wife finally told me about it. not only was I shocked, but surprised that he told and showed my wife and not me, and she asked me no to speak to him, so he doesn't know that I do. At the beginning of the year my friend started talking to my wife about wife swopping or her having sex with another guy, when she approached me in another kind of direction, I kind of said no also because I had at this stage had some suspicions. Cutting a long story short.....I managed to look at her phone messages and they had sent naughty pics to each other, my wife's was just her breasts and he kept trying to talk flirty, all my emotions came in, anger, sadness, shocked. Reading through it all it all seemed to stop around the time I had said NO to sex with other people or more accurately I said " I don't think I could deal with another guy having his way with my wife while I watch. then fast track to now and he is trying to flirt again talking naughty like "I want to bend you over my knee pull up your skirt and spank your bare bottom......" kind of talk and asking her to send more naughty pics. She has not sent any flirty replays to his texts though so I kind of feel she is liking the attention which I'm worried will escalate, but it is clear that she is not initiating it at all and that he is. What also puts gasoline to the fire is that my friend is trying to offer her a job its a good job and we need the money but after reading all the messages I'm against it. I NEED help with the following A Do I speak to both of them at the same time B Do I tell his wife C Do I speak to them individually D Or do I just speak to my wife get her to make him stop Which ever the answer how do I approach it. I love my wife and and can forgive my friend I care for him and his wife they are a big part of my life but I just don't know how to handle this and turn it around so that we don't lose each other. Thanks for your time 1. I would tell him I know that he's been hitting on your wife behind your back. He's not trustworthy and lacks integrity, things you except in your friends. Then I would cut ties with him. He can make up a lie or tell the truth to his wife who asks why you've stopped being friends. 2. I would tell your wife that what she did was incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage. 3. I would go see a divorce lawyer. 4. I would be single. 5. ????? 6. Profit. EDIT: Just read that you have been married for almost a decade! You would almost get a wedding gift from me. I give them out on 10 year anniversaries because I'm tired of buying gifts that end up being fought over or tossed in divorce. I don't know what I'd do, but it would probably start my texting pictures of my dick to her friends. Then telling her and seeing how she feels about it. But as my name indicates, I'm vengeful. I would certainly let her sit on the edge of her seat about the future of the marriage. How disrespectful to you and the vows you've taken. Make her read her vows to you again followed by the texts. Ask her how she thinks about the two seemingly conflicting ideologies. Edited August 11, 2015 by VengeanceGuidesMe Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jnkomo007 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 JnKomo007, Before I respond to your post can you tell me if you have any children, what their ages are and if there have been any other "dodgy" situations with other extraneous people in your marriage? Hi Arieswoman we have a 6 year old daughter and so does he they are in the same school. No other situations in our my wife and I relatioship and as far as I can tell for him it's only the story I mentioned Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jnkomo007 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 hello all of you this is the first time for me to reach out in any form as I could not reach out to my circle of friends in fear of it turning out into a blood bath. For the last 6months I have been beside my self as to what to do. I am finding your replies very helpful so thank you and please keep them coming I promise to let you all know what the outcome is when I have settled this Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 For the last 6months I have been beside my self as to what to do. I am finding your replies very helpful so thank you and please keep them coming I promise to let you all know what the outcome is when I have settled this Wait...Wait...Wait a damn minute here.... You have been dealing with this for 6 months? If that is indeed the case, then I would bet that you have only discovered the tip of the iceberg as far as this friend and your wife go... I'm sorry, but 6 months is far too long to allow yourself to be treated like this. Please see an attorney as soon as possible. As far as telling the friend's wife? Yes you should tell her. Do not be surprised if she is unphased or has been in on it all along, being your friend allowed her to bang another dude while he watched. Please get yourself tested for STD's if you have had sex with her since this all started. Again, I am sorry, but I think you have just begun to discover what horrors she may be visiting upon you. Please tell me that Contact has stopped between the two of them. You better get to a lawyer. I think you are in for another shoe to drop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Find an attorney and divorce, she's cheated with your "best friend" for sure. Needless to say, cut him off - there are many predators like him who befriend people on purpose to sleep with their wives. "Bro's before hoe's" isn't worth a penny anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 It is real simple. You go to your "best" friend and tell him that if he continues you will beat the holy crap out of him. Why would you let some other man involve himself with your wife and your marriage? Tell your wife that you consider this cheating and suspect that she has slept with him and she will have to prove to you she did not. Let her know that this is unacceptable and will lead to divorce, and that the whole situation will be broadcast with her family and friends. She is in the wrong, and she has to show remorse, and work to regain your trust. If this does not wake her up, then you know, and can divorce her. Forget about the money from the new job, it is not worth your self respect or marriage. If you and she really love each other, money is NOTHING. What is happening is you are letting them walk all over you, because you will not stand up for yourself. Have some self respect. SHE IS CHEATING, why are you allowing this? One man to another - WHY? Wish you luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 It is real simple. You go to your "best" friend and tell him that if he continues you will beat the holy crap out of him. Why would you let some other man involve himself with your wife and your marriage? Tell your wife that you consider this cheating and suspect that she has slept with him and she will have to prove to you she did not. Let her know that this is unacceptable and will lead to divorce, and that the whole situation will be broadcast with her family and friends. She is in the wrong, and she has to show remorse, and work to regain your trust. If this does not wake her up, then you know, and can divorce her. Forget about the money from the new job, it is not worth your self respect or marriage. If you and she really love each other, money is NOTHING. What is happening is you are letting them walk all over you, because you will not stand up for yourself. Have some self respect. SHE IS CHEATING, why are you allowing this? One man to another - WHY? Wish you luck. I think your advise is a bit too upfront. Putting everything on the table will alert the wife what he knows and will embolden her to take the affair underground. His best best is to hire a PI. But if its too costly, he can spy himself. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You set up a keylogger on her computer and ensure you have access to her texts/calls so you can verify. You then tell his wife. You tell him if he comes near or contacts your wife again he'll end up in the hospital. You tell your wife you are monitoring her and if she does ANYTHING like this again, you will tell EVERYONE she knows why you are divorcing her. And then you sit back and watch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Your friend received the pic of your wife's teats and didn't inform your about her inappropriate behaviour....a FRIEND....He is betraying you. I was taught that betraying a friend is one of the biggest sin. Why would you want to remain friends with such a person? Think about that. As for your wife, she is already cheating on you emotionally, if not physically. Though I believe she has had sex with him. Why? Because she received a pic of this "friend"'s wife naked having intercourse with another man and only told you two months later. This was a subtle indication from her that she wanted your approval of a swinging arrangement or open marriage which she has already started on her own with your friend. She was testing the waters and waiting to hear from you whether you wanted to do it too. If you really want to save your marriage, tell her you think she is cheating. And you are exposing this to everyone (you necessarily don't have to do it if you want to keep this private. This is just to test her reaction). Then see if she is really ashamed and want to cut contact with this man immediately. If not, you know already. If I was you I wouldn't bother saving this marriage. I would find a lawyer, seek divorce, expose this affair to the OM's wife, expose it your wife's parents and let them know why you are divorcing. There are many better women out there who won't betray you so heinously with your friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 What a cauldron! I am inclined to run along WriterGal 's lines, and on the pretext of some other agenda, have a gathering at your house. You, your wife and your so called 'friend' (I use that term VERY loosely in light of your posts) and his wife. Maybe a supper date that turns into an opportunity for you to confront them all and lay it out there, but I would strongly advise you to consider your options before you set this in motion. Those closest to you have disrespected you in the most terrible way, and you might want to draw up some clear and firm statements about the consequences of further violations of your generosity of spirit. Be warned that the proverbial WILL hit the fan, and the commotion that ensues will likely be deafening. Get yourself ready and stand firm when you confront them all with what you KNOW to be the truth and don't be persuaded by your wife and her lover that you are a fool/mistaken/nuts, because they will BOTH try desperately to back pedal. His wife? She may or may not make much of it considering the sexual preferences they appear to engage in, but most importantly, you must have faith in YOURSELF and your personal value. Depending on the outcome of such a scenario will likely determine your future plans. My sincere best wishes to you. Cuckoo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 About a year ago my best friend let his wife have sex with another guy while he watched and sent pics to my wife. A couple of months later my wife finally told me about it. not only was I shocked, but surprised that he told and showed my wife and not me, and she asked me no to speak to him, so he doesn't know that I do. Why on earth would you agree not to speak to him? He secretly sent pictures of their sex to your wife? And you don't think this merits a serious conversation? While nobody here is acting with your best interests in mind, you've been you're own worst enemy since day one. This could have been nipped in the bud before it started... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Now you can monitor your wife’s phone messages. Don’t give that up by letting her know you can see them. Tell your friend that you can since some chemistry between them (don’t be specific, just a feeling). Let him know that you could not handle your wife being with another man and you would have to get a divorce. Then separately tell your wife the same thing. The other man’s wife might not care if he did your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 He is NOT your friend. She is NOT behaving like your wife. Talk to both of them in front of his wife. But from what you state... that his wife was allowed to sleep with someone else as he watched and took pics, I'm pretty sure she may already know this is going on. Maybe she's in on it too. But if not, this whole thing needs to be exposed, because they think they have you fooled. You need to get angry about this and gain some control of the situation. End your friendship with him and demand that your wife goes NC (No Contact) with him. If she has any type of problem with that, then you have your answer....she's not faithful and will not be going forward. Do you really believe that some type of friendship can be salvaged from this man in the future? He's bad news. Ditch him. Good luck. It is gut wrenching to say the least. So sorry you're going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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