Dealing with anxiety

[madde]

I am doing better and better as time passes by. Today I saw pictures of my ex through mutual friends FB posts, seems that he is well and spending time with his best friends. I can't describe how I feel. It is getting easier to breath now. 1.5 month after breakup and 34 day after NC. Anxiety is minimal. But deep down I am afraid that he will never contact me again. And very afraid that he will contact me. But I hope the darkest days are behind.

[Oregon_Dude]

I am afraid that he will never contact me again. And very afraid that he will contact me.

Ack, it f*cking sucks, doesn't it. Unwinnable.

[madde]

Ack, it f*cking sucks, doesn't it. Unwinnable.

 

Yes, this ambivalence is tiring. I feel and know that it is only decreasing my energy, but sometimes I just can't help. But I start to accept that many questions will be left without answers.

[madde]

I have read many articles about coping and I found out it takes about 3 months to get over. Feels like I am having depression and acceptance stady. I know that there will be ups and downs. I am just so tired of these emotions. And I see it as a big win when I am starting to see the joy in my life back. It is very hard expierence but sometimes I wish we didn't met.

[candie13]

Madde, what can I say, you've gently pushed through the toughest period of time.

 

What always always helps is understanding what happened. I know a lot of people around here are all into applying the NC fully but I believe that if you have questions, you need to ask them. It takes a lot of courage and it will hurt like a b*tch, it will make you feel humiliated, but it does stop all those voices inside your head. If I have questions, next time around, you can bet all of your money I will ask them. I will allow no one to break up with me over text or phone - nor will I break up with them over text or phone, no matter how mad. The dumper owes me nothing, not even the truth, but if I have questions, it is my responsibility to ask them. And however he choses to respond - or even no response whatsoever - is his.

 

Knowing is better than not knowing. You are the only person responsible for your peace of mind. I think to a lot of people, pride and ego are much more important than being kind to themselves. I am not saying that talking to the dumper and asking him what happened will all of a sudden make it all better. Maybe he blames you. Maybe he hides. Maybe he refuses to speak to you. However if he decided to speak to you, every little thing he is telling you will bring you closer to healing. I am an overthinker and I think logically. I know that most people are logical too. Maybe they are not using my logic, maybe they are using their logic - which I do not get. but there always is a logic. And in all honesty, most answers are pretty simple...

 

Breaking up all of a sudden is traumatic. It is very traumatic. It is plain cruel. Especially if the RS was decent. I think what really scared me, when I broke up with my ex all of a sudden, was not understanding what went wrong - thus not being able to prevent another sudden break up the next time. That is what scared the sh*t outta me, feeling that I literally have no control.

 

I meditate - and that helps me a lot. There's an app called HEadspace - and you need to pay after the first 10 days. I like it a lot, it's mindful mediation. There are some great packs on it, on health and a 30 days series on anxiety - which I have pushed through, after my break up . There's another 10 days pack on acceptance - and it is doing wonders because it brings up so many things and accelerates the healing.

 

I think from a certain moment going forward, you won't need to know or understand the "why". But those first few weeks... man.... those are horrid. You sound like a pretty strong woman, congrats, you're holding on really well.

[madde]

Today it is 50 days from break up, last two days I felt - there is moments when I feel calm and relaxed and I am so thankful for this. Yes, there is moments when I start to fall back and wondering why it all happened, but deep down I have feeling - these horrible moments when I feel so weak will be less and calm moments will be more. I hope so This road is as tunnel - sometimes you don't see light anymore, but keep going through the dark and eventually you push through. Only give yourself time and don't feel bad about falling behind. It may feel like 2 steps forward and 1 behind, but in the end you have 1 step forward anyway.

Mutual colleagues today was talking that my ex was lied to them that he is ill, but after posted photos on FB from boat trip with his best friends company. They were so mad at him because these weeks his department have much work. And there I was sitting and thinking : I was broken but keep going and have respect from all colleagues and he left me but is acting like immature boy toward work and colleagues. Maybe at the end it's not he who will win?

Thank you all, have a nice day!

[jen1447]

there is moments when I feel calm and relaxed and I am so thankful for this.

 

I think that's bscly the mind's defense mechanism to protect you against going off the deep end. No one can feel extreme anxiety all the time and continue to function (that's what having a nervous breakdown is), so you get periods of enforced relative calm that thankfully result in an ebb and flow of the anxiety. But of course other parts of your mind are working against you to bring about irrational panic over the circumstances again (bc that's oh so useful, right? ), so back up it goes. It's really almost like PTSD in extreme cases.

 

Regarding 50 days, that puts you in month two, which ime seems like the worst month actually. If you were on my 9 month 'plan' lol, it'd go like this in levels of severity -

 

Month / severity

 

1 / 9

2 / 10

3 / 9

4 / 8

5 / 7

6 / 6

7 / 5

8 / 4

9 / 3

 

Then the rest of your life you get to have a residual 2 as a bonus for undergoing the trauma.

[madde]

Jen1447, thank you for your response and anxiety level credits definitely there will be downs, too. But I hope not that dark as it was at beginning of August when I started to reach out there for help and advice. As it was said before, break ups like out of blue is very cruel experience. It can't be swept away fast.

[jen1447]

Jen1447, thank you for your response and anxiety level credits definitely there will be downs, too. But I hope not that dark as it was at beginning of August when I started to reach out there for help and advice. As it was said before, break ups like out of blue is very cruel experience. It can't be swept away fast.

 

Yep. Just hang in there hon.

[madde]

Interesting things were happening these days. From Saturday to Monday I was feeling emotional coctail - anxiety, fear, sadness and anger. One moment one emotion, next moment - another and then all together. I started to ask if I was insane whole time when we were together that I didn't see this coming. Monday evening I came home and it felt like my temperature was raising. Monday night was terrible - one moment I was sweating, nex moment - shaking from coldness. I woke up yesterday and phoned to my office to say I couldn't come because I'm ill. I was sleeping all yesterday and today feeling fine. One moment when I was sleeping I have thought - maybe it is all hard emotions going out of me? because now I feel only silence in my heart. Deep silence.

[jen1447]

I think there's quite literally an element of detoxing to breakups. (You get regular 'fixes' of feel-good chemicals in the brain when you're in a rewarding relationship, but when it ends the fixes stop and you have to go cold turkey.) It sounds like maybe that's what you were going thru with the physiological manifestations. Hopefully that's over!

[madde]

Today is 2 months after break up. God, it feels like it was so long ago and so close. A little bit of sadness and fear for future. Tonight I had seen dream connected with him, this morning I feel a little bit weak. Need to keep going.

[15Love]

Today is 2 months after break up. God, it feels like it was so long ago and so close. A little bit of sadness and fear for future. Tonight I had seen dream connected with him, this morning I feel a little bit weak. Need to keep going.

 

Keep going! You're so strong!

[madde]

Last two days are hard. I was crying last night. Today I had conference with colleagues, it was fun and interesting, then I returned home and there I have been alone almost for two months - my family lives 200 km far and I have visited them once in these 2 months. I have very good friends, they have showed much support to me but I can't rely on them 24/7, I must deal with on my own. I started to cry with question in my head : What I did to you that I deserved that attitude in the end? I just feel that I must pay for something and don't even know for what. But in my mind I know that it isn't true, but my emotions sometimes get the upper hand. I hope that after vacation (it starts after week) I will feel better, because from start of June I have worked so much and hard and maybe emotions are going out because of overload. I will spend 2 weeks with my parents and sister's family on my hometown - hope to gain more power. I just hope so. 2 months after breakup and I'm crying? Yes, I see progress,too, but sometimes I am afraid I won't get out of this hell. When I think that I could see him on work - I don't know how will I react - cry, be angry or faint. Maybe all these I can think about these options in my head, but I know that in reality I will react in one way that is typical to me - diplomatic and calm manner. Maybe it is very good. But sometimes I think maybe giving him a slap in his face would be better

Thanks for reading. I am so grateful I found this place and all amazing people there

Edited September 18, 2015 by madde

[madde]

Tomorrow is my birthday- I hope it won't be one of the saddest coping well, sometimes have anxiety attacks but I am letting them happen, after while it gets better. Tomorrow also will be 60 days of NC. I can't deny that secretly I am hoping for birthday wishes from him, but it wwould be better for me receive nothing. I don't know if he remembers my birthday date at all. Hope everything will be fine

[jen1447]

Tomorrow is my birthday- I hope it won't be one of the saddest coping well, sometimes have anxiety attacks but I am letting them happen, after while it gets better. Tomorrow also will be 60 days of NC. I can't deny that secretly I am hoping for birthday wishes from him, but it wwould be better for me receive nothing. I don't know if he remembers my birthday date at all. Hope everything will be fine

 

It will be, one way or the other. Happy birthday!

[15Love]

If there's no contact consider it a milestone. No more will your birthday be a day you should hear from him. Treat yourself to something nice if he doesn't. Make it a reward.

 

Happy early birthday!

[madde]

Thanks Jen1447 and 15Love for birthday wishes and support!

[madde]

My birthday was 3 days ago, I can't deny -deep inside I was waiting for birhtday wishes but it didn't happened. I don't feel sad, I think I feel a little weird. Sometimes I think these 6 months was only a dream - I feel like there was a spring and then autumn - this summer feels like black hole. As you all said - it gets better and better. But maybe it is like quote: "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness." But I can't call it sadness, too - so weird feeling I just can't describe. Keep going

My friend send me this : https://www.pinterest.com/pin/508203139171594447/ was laughing for 5 minutes Laugh, too!

[jen1447]

Congrats Madde - "weird" is a step in the right direction bc it means the feeling, while not gone, is starting to feel a little unfamiliar to you - outside of you. That means it's being processed and normalized, not just eating you up from the inside out like it always does for the first long stretch.

 

You're healing.

[madde]

Thank you, Jen1447, for your response and for your other responses, too! :)And thanks all other, too. I just can't say how much grateful I am for you all. I was not feeling so alone and insane for these terrible 2 months. I will definitely post something more for update, maybe it will be inspiration for others - to keep going although you don't know why, you have all these questions that you can't ask anymore and these emotions you are feeling. Don't be afraid to find yourself again. And I know if I have some downs in future - I can come there and put my emotions out. And not feeling alone these moments are so much .

[madde]

Some update

I am on my vacation in hometown, met my old friends, had fun with my family and sister's family. I was waiting for vacation as milestone - if my anxiety was from overwork for last 4 months or it was only connected with breakup.

Anxiety was low for the last 2 weeks and then BUM! One night was very hard - anxiety woke me up 3 times and second night, too, felt numb, as it was not mine body, unreal feeling. So today at last I booked my visit to counsellor, before it gets worse.

I briefly told my thoughts and emotions, we will meet next week, but she thinks for first diagnosis - Postraumatic stress disorder because of unfinished action. I simply had put all my emotions together to deal with situation in polite manner and stuck with this coctail. One way - tell it to ex, let out emotions ( no way ), alternative way - together with counsellor work through this ( I will try and try because of all this things I already done to get this progress in which I am now) . Calm moments was mercy of the autonomic nervous system not to break down. It is going to be a longer road than I expected

Edited October 9, 2015 by madde

[jen1447]

Those kinda moments/days always happen. It's a bumpy ride back to normalcy to say the least!

[madde]

yes, jen1447 it is almost 3 months, I thought it would be faster But everything goes in this own speed. My friends also think I am over it, and I find it hard to tell that I am not. I simply stay in silence.

[jen1447]

yes, jen1447 it is almost 3 months, I thought it would be faster But everything goes in this own speed. My friends also think I am over it, and I find it hard to tell that I am not. I simply stay in silence.

 

Yeah. For the most part, ppl do their suffering alone. Just always remember you'll be ok, even during the bad days. Not everyone has the comfort of knowing that.