Author madde Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Today was first visit to counsellor. Thanks to God, it is not a anxious depression, only anxiety that is connected with emotions held inside and shock of unexpected break up. We are going to let these emotions out, because alone I am little bit afraid to go through all these emotions. At least I cried today and somehow feeling a little bit alive after that. I didn't feel anything - no good or bad emotions, only emptiness. Today is 100 days after break up - keep going day by day and someday I must reach other coast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted November 13, 2015 Author Share Posted November 13, 2015 15th November will be 4 months after break up and I can say I am on another coast I have been on 2 visits with my counsellor, she helped me to set free holded emotions and next week will be my last visit. I can say I reached calmness in my heart and looking forward to future - my friend offered me interesting job offer abroad and I accepted it, so approximately after year I am planning move to Norway and today my sister announced she is expecting baby so I will be aunt Am I thinking of him ? Yes, but not that often. And if he will come back one day, I am waiting only for apology - it would be excellent, but if that day won't come - good. For those who have read my story and supported me - thank you very much, without you this dark period would be much darker. If you are hurting right know - just keep going step by step and day by day. And you will win . For me it took almost 4 months (Sunday would be 4 months after break up) , don't be hard on yourself, treat yourself as your best friend and remember - you are worth much better. Best wishes for you all! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Today is exactly 5 months after break up. Unfortunately, I hadn't reach indifference yet, most of time I feel calm, but there is days when I am falling very hard into anxiety. But somehow I tolerate this - I know that some of my days will be lost due to anxiety and I can't do anything with it - only go through it and don't run away from this. Today I feel sad that after 5 months I still feel sad sometimes, is this normal? I am afraid to tell anyone about it, they would think I am crazy after all this time feeling sadness... I haven't seen him for almost 5 months, but there is more and more nights when I see him in dreams and next day I feel very weak. But I am going step by step, although I am taking this hell everyday with me and nobody knows it. Hope for peace someday is all that keeps me going on. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Back when I did my 'tour' it took me about 9 months to get back to just a new genuine starting point, so no I don't think it's unusual hon. If you're on my schedule you're only about half way there. Dreams are to be expected too - I still dream about my guy sometimes 18 years later, tho they don't have the impact they once did. Your dreams are bscly just a clearinghouse for useless thoughts and feelings. Gotta purge em somehow. Hang in there, you'll be ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you for your response, jen1447 , I remember your schedule, it made me a little bit calm this evening Somehow I felt very sad that he didn't try to reach out - not a single word, nothing as I didn't exist, as it means not a single thing to him. I know it is very selfish from me but sometimes I just can't help. Thank you very much Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Just a natural part of grieving. (hugs) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 As it getting cold outside there, I decided to use home fireplace to get warm - as I was sitting around it and reading book, I decided to find a box where I stored gifts from ex - tickets, cards etc. I had save all flowers from him, too. When I opened this box, I felt dizzy but I wanted go to end with this. So I put everything to fireplace step by step. At last there was very first rose at my hands - I looked at it for minutes and then give it to fire... That was hard, tears were falling from my eyes, but I needed to do it someday. He is not coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 That was a pretty courageous move. Congratulations on your strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 Thank you for support, you are one of my guardians and it doesn't matter that I never met you! I did it and didn't die, it was time to do it, as I have nothing to left I don't have where to return and look at it. When I collected them at first, I thought that someday I could make small linen bags filled with these petals of roses and freesia. But then was then and now is now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Anxiety has been making me physically sick lately mostly with my job and noe personal life. Maybe I should just start getting stoned before work. I work in retail after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 How long have you been fighting with anxiety? There was many good advices for me in this thread Keep strong. Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 How long have you been fighting with anxiety? There was many good advices for me in this thread Keep strong. I don't know if you're responding to my post or not. But dealt with it a good part of my life. Lately it's been due to my job and personal life. I took a new job a couple months ago. It started out fine but now I can't take it. I get sick every time I have to go in. My stomach hurts and has a burning feeling. I also have chest pains and now have developed some sort of eye twitch. As for my personal life I've struggled with depression, especially this time of you and very low self esteem/worth. My so called close friends ignore me now so I basically have no one. It's all just getting to me and causes me sleepless nights. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 Deckard11, yes, I was talking to you Staying alone with anxiety disorders can be very hard, have you thought about proffesional help? It can give your thoughts the right direction and teach you some useful ways to deal with it. Ten it is less scary. Maybe you know what triggers panic to you? Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Deckard11, yes, I was talking to you Staying alone with anxiety disorders can be very hard, have you thought about proffesional help? It can give your thoughts the right direction and teach you some useful ways to deal with it. Ten it is less scary. Maybe you know what triggers panic to you? The professional help here is a joke. My insurance is covered by the state. So the counseling office they sent me to was terrible. State assisted therapists don't care since they get paid either way. You have to be rich to afford a good therapist here and I am poor. My job triggers my anxiety and so do certain people. I feel that I am going to break soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 The professional help here is a joke. My insurance is covered by the state. So the counseling office they sent me to was terrible. State assisted therapists don't care since they get paid either way. You have to be rich to afford a good therapist here and I am poor. My job triggers my anxiety and so do certain people. I feel that I am going to break soon. So sorry for you- job can be one of the places where you can get some motivation to move forward. Changing job is not the option? Just don't stay alone on your bad days- post here Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 So sorry for you- job can be one of the places where you can get some motivation to move forward. Changing job is not the option? Just don't stay alone on your bad days- post here I guess I could go back to my old job, but it would eventually yield the same result. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 Currently in the middle of a doozey of an anxiety attack. Haven't had one in many years. This one is strong with shortness of breath, stomach upset, dry throat, full body shaking, clammy hands and distorted, anxious thinking. Thought I'd never have one again. Some stress has been getting me lately! Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 Still not doing well. Mostly due to my job. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to show up for work anymore. It's hard for me to call in sick because I am a manager but honestly I don't even care anymore. I feel sick every day. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 To update, attack was over by 9:00pm. I just reminded myself that no one has ever died from an anxiety attack and I'd make it. I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Chronotrgr Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 I conquered anxiety a long time a go, the last time it hit me hard was when my dad passed away 2 and a half years a go, floored me and made me a hermit, I wouldn't leave the house, eventually after a year stuck indoors I started to fight back, rode my bike everywhere, went on long journeys gradually regaining my confidence, since the break up with my ex, anxiety and panic are creeping up on me again, doesn't matter what I do to combat it, I can be as busy as can be but that feeling of despair grabs hold of me and that's it, I'm in fight or flight mode waddling to the nearest quiet place to break down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 Hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve! My night ended with crying like a little child, last weeks I feel sad or anxious inside. I have faked all these holidays as everything is allright, but inside I didn't stop feel broken. All I was wishing this night was peace for everyone who is going through bad stripe of life. I hope 2016 would be much better as 2015 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Ups and downs ....they always come and go but just remember overall your trajectory is going up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 Thank you, jen1447, for your calming words - sometimes feels like road is going downstairs not up but these are emotions - they come and go, I hope days when I don't have to fake anything is coming near as day by day goes by. Have a wonderful New Year 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I just exploded at my family and all they did was ask me if it was cold outside. My job is killing me and I fear I'm about to lash out and do something I will regret. I can't take this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 I just exploded at my family and all they did was ask me if it was cold outside. My job is killing me and I fear I'm about to lash out and do something I will regret. I can't take this anymore. All I can do is just send to you much peaceful thoughts for you. Hang on. Don't give up - keep fighting for better future and things. Link to post Share on other sites
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