would you date an ex addict?

[minimariah]

would you date someone with a history of addiction...?

 

i'm talking some heavy addiction - alcoholism, heavy drugs... like, heavy drug abuse. let's say you meet someone and everything is going well, you clicked and have chemistry and you found out that the person is an ex drug abuser - would that be a dealbreaker?

 

just to be clear, not talking about current drug abusers - people who cleaned their act (at the moment).

 

thank you!

[cerridwen]

It would depend on a few things:

 

1) How long he or she had been in recovery

 

2) If they did/do serious therapeutic work around the addiction

 

3) If there had been any recent relapses

 

 

I would draw the line at former intravenous drug users because of health concerns.

 

But I have known former addicts who did the work and are among the most self-aware, insightful, and compassionate people I've had the pleasure to know.

[craw]

It's annoying to be vague, but really depends on the situation and what drug, what were the circumstances - loss of death, trauma or abuse.

 

Personally, I can't really date anyone who has snorted anything before. It's a very thin line of temptation.

 

Oh yeah an addict usually has another addiction to take over. THIS IS A HORRIBLE STEREOTYPE, but this is what I've seen in my experience.

 

TL;DR: NO

[almond]

Anyone who has ever been addicted to opiates, methamphetamine or crack is a definite no go for me.

 

The rest I'd evaluate on a case by case basis.

[Tayla]

In recovery we accept the differences people parlay in the dating world.

 

I have dated healthy persons who had a past with addictions.

 

Work in progress ....

[GoldieLox]

It depends. If you had addiction issues when you were a teenager and are now 30 years old and have been off of whatever for 15 years, yes. If you have taken the steps to work on the underlying issues that led to using drugs/alcohol, absolutely. I guess it just depends on the amount of time in recovery and steps taken to change the behavior. I'd have to draw the line at someone who's been arrested for a drug or alcohol related offense though because of what I do for work (unless it was a juvenile arrest)

[casey.lives]

Im an ex addict and i would hope someone could love me. Im in a different place and i have different priorities .... actually i have an entirely different life.

Do i struggle with my addiction: No, i don't. It was part of my youth...it's not a life sentence.

[jen1447]

Serious drug and alcohol abuse are red lines for me, so no.

[cerridwen]

I know you're collecting opinions right now, Mini, but I hope at some point you'll weigh in.

 

Just curious.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It would depend on a few things:

 

1) How long he or she had been in recovery

 

2) If they did/do serious therapeutic work around the addiction

 

3) If there had been any recent relapses

 

 

I would draw the line at former intravenous drug users because of health concerns.

 

But I have known former addicts who did the work and are among the most self-aware, insightful, and compassionate people I've had the pleasure to know.

 

Amen!

 

Took the words right out of my mouth and I couldn't agree more with the last statement.

 

I think everyone deserves a second chance in life and that includes love but there is a big difference between the addicts who are serious about their sobriety and who work their program and those who don't.

 

P.S. Congrats to casey.lives on turning your life around!

[Haydn]

A previous GF was a heavy `charlie` user. It did spiral out of control. I went with her to meetings and help groups. We joined other groups in an effort to fill the void when she withdrew. She did have a hard time socialising outside her previous group for a time.

 

Took a few years before her comfort was sufficient to not crave or view `charlie` as something she needed.

 

She was proactive in her recovery. I think as her partner it was essential for me to be there as she went through it.

 

We still meet now for a beer and small toke of `waccy bacci`

 

In all i would said she emerged a better person for her addiction. She`s is not preachy and her approach in helping others is admirable.

 

But yes i would date an addict or an ex addict.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

No heroin or meth. That's my rule as someone who's taken it up to that red line.

[GoldieLox]

No heroin or meth. That's my rule as someone who's taken it up to that red line.

 

So you wouldn't date someone who was addicted to heroin for six months and cleaned up their life, but you would date someone who was addicted to say, cocaine for three years who has also cleaned up their life? I'm not criticizing your personal rule by any means, I think I'm just trying to understand the logic behind it a little. While heroin and meth are stereotyped to be "hard" drugs, I've seen people ruin their lives on pills, cocaine, alcohol, even marijuana for that matter.

[TunaCat]

Nope I wouldn't. Because I don't think there's ever such a thing as an "ex addict" Ex addicts will always have to deal with the urge to use and it is often easier to slip back into old habits, than it is to start a drug habit.

 

Plus my bio dad is a heavy drug addict and I flat out refuse to date anyone with a drug past.

 

So yes, an ex drug addict would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

No question.

[minimariah]

I know you're collecting opinions right now, Mini, but I hope at some point you'll weigh in.

 

Just curious.

 

well... depends on the situation and details... but i like to give folks a chance.

 

 

so yeah, i'd date an ex addict -- under the condition that they have their act together for a longer period of time (more than 5 years) BUT i'd probably be super aware of the possible red flags.

 

but like i said - i like to give folks a chance. people can get up and shine even after the biggest fall ever - i'm a firm believer in healing and moving on.

[autumnnight]

It would depend on how long they have been in recovery, their process, and what safeguards and strategies they have in place. It would also depend on what work they did on themselves. Someone who quite drinking 5 years ago but never did any personal work could just be a "dry drunk."

 

Oh yeah an addict usually has another addiction to take over. THIS IS A HORRIBLE STEREOTYPE, but this is what I've seen in my experience.

 

And this....so much this. Addicts can be susceptible to other addictions, including non-chemical ones or just any type of behavior, philosophy. or lifestyle taken to the legalistic or obsessive extreme.

 

I view this like I view cheating in a way. A former addict who has really become self-aware and worked hard is probably MORE protected against pitfalls than someone who thinks "I have a handle on this and am immune," just like a former cheater who really repented and did their work is probably less of a risk than someone who thinks they are immune to all weakness and temptation.

[beatcuff]

Serious drug and alcohol abuse are red lines for me, so no.

 

this is a common stand, along with 'how much therapy' they have done. would that apply to other areas as well:

 

multiple bankruptcies

numerous ONS

say more than 2 marriages

chain smoker

moves to different city every other year

eating disorder (either direction)

 

WAIT, how would you know? having been around too many addicts --- they are VERY good at hiding their problem. if they did so openly, you are in that circle. otherwise you found out months down the road, in which the bond is set.

[hotpotato]

I would as long as they are ex addicts.

I dont think things like drug abuse are necessarily lifelong sentence. People do change.

 

Some people are sctually different at 30 than they were at 18.

 

 

I dated an excon. He was wild af when he was fresh out. Now hes cleaned himself up, got married, and even has a real job, new truck, etc. Hes hitting life milestones better than me lol. Seems kinda silly in some ways...brb Im not gonna date Kali Muscle bc he went to prison at some point of his life even though now hes doong better than 95% of the population. Its the same issue- people thinking if youve messed up at some point in life, you should be permanently barred from dating.

 

I consider this a case by case thing. Sometimes people who fo through strife actually end up better in the long run.

[deadelvis]

Well, I've never shot up heroin. I've never smoked crack. And I've never done meth. But I've been hooked on pretty much everything else. I was a pretty severe addict for about 10 years. The worst was being hooked ketamine, and huffing. Huffing almost killed me. But I've had long periods of extreme addictions. Then I spent a few year cleaning up. Now I drink socially. But not in excess. I don't use drugs and I couldn't imagine myself ever doing drugs again. My girlfriend mentioned doing MDMA together someday. I might do that. But the drugs don't have any hold over me anymore. That was just a different time in my life. I was very involved a big music scene and lived in a totally different world of booze, drugs and casual sex. I'm just simply not that person anymore. And actually after living that lifestyle, I think I'm a better boyfriend. I've got more life experiences and those things allow me to have a more well rounded personality, as well as a better perspective on life.

 

So yes. I would date a former addict. I am one. And in fact, I think they make better partners, provided they aren't going to slip back into their old life. But it's pretty obvious when someone has grown up and moved past their former lifestyle.

[jen1447]

this is a common stand, along with 'how much therapy' they have done. would that apply to other areas as well:

 

multiple bankruptcies

numerous ONS

say more than 2 marriages

chain smoker

moves to different city every other year

eating disorder (either direction)

 

WAIT, how would you know? having been around too many addicts --- they are VERY good at hiding their problem. if they did so openly, you are in that circle. otherwise you found out months down the road, in which the bond is set.

 

That's a good question about how and when we'd know. I assumed we were taking it as mimi gave it - just an up-front thing.

 

Your other list varies and is kinda complicated so it's hard to answer them all conclusively, but to me, serious drug abuse is sth that potentially takes control out of the user's hands, so what you may end up fighting is the drug itself. That's generally a losing battle, which is why I'd stay away.

 

I should point out that I'd happily be a recovering addict's biggest cheerleader, but I won't put myself in a position where some third party factor/element has the power to lay me low. (If the friend lost the battle, a cheerleader could at some point resign themselves and walk away with little damage, but not a deeply invested partner. They'd be just about as ruined as the drug user.)

 

It'd be diff if a deeply loved existing partner became an addict btw. Then I'm already in it so we'd be kicking drugs' ass together.

[RainDown]

Having been an addiction counselor for a couple of decades, my answer is no. I've pretty much seen it all when it comes to drug/alcohol addiction and I don't want any part of it, even with someone who's been in recovery for years. Addiction is one beast of a problem.

[salparadise]

this is a common stand, along with 'how much therapy' they have done. would that apply to other areas as well:

 

multiple bankruptcies

numerous ONS

say more than 2 marriages

chain smoker

moves to different city every other year

eating disorder (either direction)

 

WAIT, how would you know? having been around too many addicts --- they are VERY good at hiding their problem. if they did so openly, you are in that circle. otherwise you found out months down the road, in which the bond is set.

 

 

There really is no such thing as a "recovered" addict. If they are sober they are recovering, or in recovery, but not recovered. They are dealing with lifetime challenges and are even more predisposed than prior to becoming an active abuser. Different substances act on the brain's pleasure centers in different ways, but despite nuances of difference, they are fundamentally similar.

 

In the case of alcoholism, it's a progressive, degenerative disease. If someone gets sober after drinking for a few decades, they don't go back to being who they would've been; the progression may stop but the degenerative effects are not reversed. It's not nearly as simple as asking what are the odds of relapse.

 

I certainly don't think that recovering addicts are unloveable, but whether I would knowingly choose to become an integral part of another person's recovery is a different question. There are compelling reasons not to, so there would need to be greater compelling reasons to choose that life.

 

For example, I enjoy a glass of wind with dinner, the occasional margarita, sipping tequila or a nice cold beer. On average I probably have anywhere from a few drinks in a week to a few in a month. If were to choose a recovering alcoholic as a life partner I'd basically have to quit too, or it would be a temptation and I'd risk being responsible.

 

Likewise, what if you start dating (perhaps fall in love) only to figure out months later that it's not working and you want to break up? You can't do it without potentially triggering a relapse... so what do you do? Stay in a relationship you don't want to protect them or say eh, it's their problem- I'm outta here? And if they do relapse do you go back to help them get sober again, or let the chips fall where they may?

 

So my preference has be for those with no prior addictions.

[d0nnivain]

IV drug user probably not.

 

I did date an alcoholic that had been sober for 10 years. He was lots of fun.

[autumnnight]

These are some interesting resources about an emerging theory on addiction. The traditional addiction theorist won't like it, but I think it has merit.

 

Chasing the Scream | The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs

 

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think | Johann Hari

 

Note: the Huff Post article is written by the man who published the book he spent years researching, lest anyone question the use of Huff Post