To reconcile or not

[lovelymother]

Hello,

 

I am new to this forum, but I am currently experiencing a problem that I could use some advice on. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now this year and it hasn't always been easy. Ever since we first moved in together he has had a high sex drive and I was very scared at first to even have sex or feel pleasure as I was a virgin until the age of 21 and have a past experience of sexual abuse. My husband (at the time boyfriend then fiance) knew this. It was something I still struggle with. (Having sex) He would always want to touch me or have sex and I always felt bad for some reason. Eventually I went from feeling bad to just having a hard time having sex because it would hurt. After we became engaged it became worse. I found out from our roommate that one time he had a co-worker over and the co-worker kissed him and was on top of him on our couch. I was furious and he admitted that he didn't stop her from kissing him until our roommate caught them. I was able to forgive him even though it was hard and tried to move on with our relationship. Some time later though I was told by a friend that they found out he was on a dating app and was trying to sext with their co-worker. I again confronted him and forgave him. He told me he sexts to masturbate. I know this to be true because I later caught him doing it again while we were married..

 

Well the problem is that things came to light recently and he may be the father of a child born from another woman. He cheated on me while we were engaged and didn't use protection. The child is 1 1/2 years old.

 

I'm torn because he hasn't respected me much during our marriage because he kept sexting and blamed me because we didn't have sex enough. This was also before we got married. The woman also at some point before or after we were married informed him she was pregnant. (He can't remember, but believes it was after we got married) He is going to do a dna test to see if the child is his and it is highly probable that the child is. We also recently had a baby ourselves.

 

Have there been other marriages that survived this if the partner was willing to change and both of them were willing to do counseling? I would never have ever considered separation from my husband if this didn't come up. He hasn't been sexting at all recently. I am really serious about reconciliation and would like some advice.

[Lois_Griffin]

You're sexually incompatible. He's always going to be looking for it elsewhere. The fact that he was ignorant enough to get someone else pregnant just shows what an irresponsible fool you'll always be dealing with. He's just opened you up to 18-23 years of financial hardship and TONS AND TONS of drama.

 

I wouldn't stay with any man who visits this crap on me.

 

Look, he knew going IN that you're sexually incompatible, so he can't use the excuse that you were giving him sex all the time and it suddenly dried up. He knew what the score was going IN. So he has no excuse for his extreme stupidity.

 

You really should to go see some kind of counselor and get yourself in a better place sexually. Sex shouldn't be a painful, unpleasant experience for you.

 

In EITHER case, I'd divorce this horse's ass as soon as my lawyer's office opened in the morning.

[Satu]

You and he have a HUGE incompatibly issue.

 

I honestly don't see a way around that.

 

It's nobodies fault, you're just put together differently.

 

If you stay with him, it's highly likely that he'll cheat on you repeatedly.

 

I wish I could say something encouraging, but there just isn't anything along those lines that could be said.

 

The marriage was a mistake, and divorce is your best option.

 

 

Take care.

[spanz1]

wow, a bit of a mess.

 

 

if you have had previous sexual abuse, I would work on that first. Find a PROFESSIONAL to counsel you to get over the hurt of that. Do NOT make any sudden decisions about your current marriage until your head is on straight again.

 

 

After some counseling to get better, then you will be in a better place to evaluate. Maybe you were avoiding sex, and that hurt your new husband very much. Maybe he is just a cheater and you need to dump him. fix yourself first so you can see the truth in the current situation, and then act appropriately

[Mr. Lucky]

Ever since we first moved in together he has had a high sex drive and I was very scared at first to even have sex or feel pleasure as I was a virgin until the age of 21 and have a past experience of sexual abuse. My husband (at the time boyfriend then fiance) knew this. It was something I still struggle with. (Having sex) He would always want to touch me or have sex and I always felt bad for some reason. Eventually I went from feeling bad to just having a hard time having sex because it would hurt. After we became engaged it became worse.

 

Every aspect of your husband's cheating is inappropriate and destructive to your relationship.

 

But he's not posting here. So I can't help wondering why you'd commit to a relationship knowing there'd be all these sexual challenges involved? If "after we became engaged it became worse", why get married ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovelymother]

I really thought that I could get better without counseling, but I see now that I was wrong. The problem that I am dealing with is the fact that he physically cheated before marriage and I just found out. It isn't like we never had sex where it wasn't painful, I just wasn't in a place where I craved it or wanted it like other people tend to. It also wasn't a matter of not being sexually attracted to him. If this had not happened I would not be here asking for advice. I'd still be married with the same problem regarding sex and that's it. We have a child and recently the only problem was the fact that either 1.) I had a low libido or 2.) I was pregnant

 

I also have a thyroid disorder so I know my problems and I feel bad as I should have gone to counseling a long time ago.

 

I guess what I'm asking is this:

 

Is this issue really that black and white? We weren't married. What if the child is not his? Is counseling not worth it?

[d0nnivain]

If you both want to save your marriage, then work together to save it. You will need professional help to do so.

 

This kid will be a constant reminder. I don't know if I could handle that but before I let my husband pay 1 penny of child support I'd want a paternity test. I'd also want a full STD panel. What kind of blockhead cheats without protection. The sheer stupidity of that would also be hard for me to swallow.

[loveboid]

I recommend you consider your sex problems are only with him or people like him who disrespect you. Disrespect is a turn off. He sounds to me like he is a selfish lover which would make him bad in bed therefore you wouldn't get turned on by him.

 

Of course people stay married through stuff like this. Staying married is no big thing and doesn't mean the marriage is a success. You could have a death trap of a marriage for as long as you can hack it.

 

Are you sure you want to reconcile with him?

[ShatteredLady]

I mentioned in another post that my cousin (like a sister) was abused from age 11 until she was about 18 by her step father. It was rape with emotional blackmail. She has been very fortunate & had a couple of incredibly loving, understanding, gentle boyfriends before she met her husband & had 2 beautiful children. She has no sexual problems. She's now confident. I think I'd agree with an earlier post...Maybe the right man would change your feelings. He is disrespectful & cruel. Really? Is this what you want or need in your life?

 

I know how it feels to be thinking of your child but what kind of role model do you want? I'm in that place. I know my situation is very different but I give us BOTH the same advise...we deserve respect, kindness & loyalty. Marriage should mean something. Vows aren't just for 1 to be a stepping stone!