Phil_London Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hello, I'm in a complicated situation. I'm married, with a child, but have always had bi tendencies. I've recently met a wonderful guy who I meet every week or so. We have amazing sensual, passionate sex, but also get on really well in general. He is gay, living alone and would like more, but I can't give it being married. I would like to see him more often, but we have to fit in around work schedules. We both agree that we have an amazing bond and are well matched. But I can't risk my family life, which is solid, but maybe lacking love and affection. I'd like the current arrangement to run and run... I don't know if I'm looking for advice (as I know what that advice will be) or just someone to talk to, as I can't talk to anyone about this. It would be nice to hear from someone. Phil Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You should think about leaving your wife. You are cheating after all. Do you think this will have a happy ending? It will probably only get more intense and your home life will start to suffer. I have no idea but does your wife suspect your bi? if she does maybe come clean? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 But I can't risk my family life, which is solid, but maybe lacking love and affection. I'd like the current arrangement to run and run... First off, don't be blaming your WIFE for your gay sex affair. That's number one. You'd still be doing this even if your wife were swinging from chandeliers every night of the week and giving you more sex than you know what to do with. This is about YOUR need for sex with a man, not about your wife neglecting you. So own your sh*t. Secondly, how kind of you to bring home a gay man's entire sexual history and visit that on your unsuspecting wife. People here can cry all they want that I made this statement, but it's well known that HIV is much more prevalent amongst gays (here in the USA, anyway), whether they want to hear it or not. Facts are facts. And THATS according to the CDC. Gay and Bisexual Men | HIV by Group | HIV/AIDS | CDC You're no different than any other self entitled cheater except you're putting your wife's health in danger with your selfish behavior. Did your wife know you're bi when she married you, or did you keep that little secret all to yourself? Sorry, but it's just real hard to choke up any sympathy for you when you have absolutely ZERO regard for your wife, your marriage or your wife's sexual health. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You're no different than any other self entitled cheater except you're putting your wife's health in danger with your selfish behavior. Did your wife know you're bi when she married you, or did you keep that little secret all to yourself? There is no "except". Remember, condoms do NOT protect against some common STIs such as genital warts and genital herpes. Those are transmitted by skin to skin contact where condoms don't cover. Anyone cheating is putting the sexual health of their spouse at risk. Here's the thing, OP. Being Bi has nothing to do with anything. You made vows of fidelity and you're not upholding those vows. The vows said "forsaking ALL others". No mention of gender. No loophole for those that are Bi. Do the right thing. Tell your wife the truth. Tell her you're Bi if she doesn't already know. Tell her of the affair. Let her decide to stay and work it out or divorce with full knowledge of the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 But I can't risk my family life, which is solid Erm, going to state the obvious here, but you're already risking your family, in a very bad way. Her sexual health, her emotional well being, her life as it is. The fact you've hardly mentioned your wife, or any pain she will feel when she finds this out speaks volumes. WHY do you want your married life? Is it because you will lose your home? your kid? Selfishness really, because it comes across as if your not bothered about losing your wife. Cake and eating it springs to mind. Why do you think you have that right to have 2 lives? To betray your wife and child, deceive everyone? It's not fair on your family to have to share you, your taking your attention away from your wife and child when your giving it to your OM. Think on this, the time you spend with your OM is time you have away from your child, time your missing out on that you will never get back. He has become more important to you than your family, they are second. You already know you cannot run this side by side, how grossly unfair to your wife, she deserves to be loved exclusively too doesn't she? or is it only you who can have the happy ever after? Happy family and happy OM. Sorry, it never works. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hello, I'm in a complicated situation. I'm married, with a child, but have always had bi tendencies. I've recently met a wonderful guy who I meet every week or so. We have amazing sensual, passionate sex, but also get on really well in general. He is gay, living alone and would like more, but I can't give it being married. I would like to see him more often, but we have to fit in around work schedules. We both agree that we have an amazing bond and are well matched. But I can't risk my family life, which is solid, but maybe lacking love and affection. I'd like the current arrangement to run and run... I don't know if I'm looking for advice (as I know what that advice will be) or just someone to talk to, as I can't talk to anyone about this. It would be nice to hear from someone. Phil Be true to your self and true to your wife. There is nothing wrong with being bi-sexual, but being a liar and a fraud is wrong. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I won't get into details, but it is likely your wife suspects these tendencies. They are hard to hide and usually do affect a marriage even if they are not acted upon. Honestly, though you say you have a solid life, I would come completely clean about this to your wife. You may be surprised. She may actually be "relieved" to know what has been off all these years, and while it may very well result in divorce, she might be a lot more understanding. A women who is married to a man with same-sex desires usually spends years feeling as if she is not enough or something is "wrong." When the man finally comes clean, that burden is lifted, and though it is painful, at least she can understand the WHY of her not quite all there marriage. I even know one divorced couple in this situation that have remained good friends. I am not glossing over your betrayal. Cheating is cheating and wrong is wrong. But trust me when I say that for some women, finding this out is - in part - a relief. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Typical MM cheating story you want the comfort of married life but also the lust of a side Affair, it is a selfish and immature approach, you might be in denial but you are only looking for you own intrest not your wife's or the AP. of course want this to go on because you te blinded by the A, but fact is these type of R never last and often leads to devastating results to all involved. You have to end the A and see what you want, be honest with your wife about your double tendencies and see if she would tolerate an open marriage. If not make a decision that doesn't include selfishnes and lies BTW this a very typical story you can just browse this forum to see MM stories similar the only difference is a double tendencies in sexual desire and in all these cases The feeling toward the aF end up not being Love but just lust Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 you are going to have to confess this affair to the wife, and discuss what the two of you will do about it. she may support your part-time bi affair with this gay guy. or she may be shocked, cry, and divorce you. or...maybe some work around in between those 2 extremes. but living a continuous lie....is not healthy for any of the 3 of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I won't get into details, but it is likely your wife suspects these tendencies. Like there might be some connection between this: I'm married, with a child, but have always had bi tendencies. and this: my family life, which is solid, but maybe lacking love and affection. :confused:??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 He is gay, living alone and would like more, but I can't give it being married. So you are using him and hurting him and keeping him from finding a true committed relationship. But I can't risk my family life, which is solid, but maybe lacking love and affection. And you are hurting your wife and children, even if they aren't aware they are being hurt. I'd like the current arrangement to run and run... So it is all about you, right? I don't know if I'm looking for advice (as I know what that advice will be) or just someone to talk to, as I can't talk to anyone about this. It would be nice to hear from someone. Phil We will talk to you - as long as you are ready to hear what you may not want to hear. I can't imagine being in a situation where you are attracted to men and never get to experience sex with one. I can see how it may be frustrating. But when you marry someone, you choose them. You didn't HAVE to make that choice. Nobody forced you. You chose one person. Now, your responsibility is to uphold those vows. And let the poor guy go too. If you just stop now, it may be that nobody ever finds out. If you don't, eventually someone will. And it will blow up your life in a horrible way. How do you see this playing out long term? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Like there might be some connection between this: and this: :confused:??? Mr. Lucky Yes. If a man is lucky enough to marry the stereotypical low drive woman, then this can go unnoticed. But if he marries a sensual woman...... nuff said Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 This was on Oprah. Both were cheating. Both ended up coming out and friends. If I remember. Life is definitely not boring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Now, your responsibility is to uphold those vows. And let the poor guy go too. If you just stop now, it may be that nobody ever finds out. If you don't, eventually someone will. And it will blow up your life in a horrible way. How do you see this playing out long term? First, let me say that I think pteromom is one of THE wisest people on LS. But I do not agree with the above. If the OP has desires for men....they won't go away, and it will continue to affect his marriage. If he cannot commit to fully being a 100% HUSBAND to his wife and only his wife.....then he needs to let her go. SHE deserves to be with a 100% heterosexual man who will be 100% heterosexual with her. That means he needs to come clean and let HER decide. And yes, I am projecting, but I firmly believe it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I Will say it is exactly because of judging angry people like Many of the posters here, that this poor man is in the closet and scared of coming out, what are you doing? you try to bully him to stay in there? Finally he has found it in him to listen a little bit to his heart and you advice him to stay in a marriage and suffer in silence// all his adult life has probably been suffering and you want him to suffer/sacrifice more:rolleyes: till there is nothing left? i hope you Phil find the courage to be honest to everybody once and for all, you know that your hiding is no good, but youre scared, theres nothing to be scared of, people like you, hiding, suffering in silence are everywhere, they all Dream of being able to be themselves, luckily a Lot of people have done it before you, the Road is made:love: you Shall have happiness, so shall your wife and Child and the man you love:) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 the man you love:) The OP said a lot of nice things about his AP - love wasn't one of them... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 The OP said a lot of nice things about his AP - love wasn't one of them... Mr. Lucky Sometimes a womans mind is nedded and i think here it is:love: cynic bombasticness is not what Will help this man, and that is what i Want, not Bully him, happy people Will benefit us all i think-- people like you make other people stay in the closet just to marry a heterosexual like you and the suffering Will continue for everybody not just the closeted, even more children Will be raised to pretend they are heterosexual until they Can no longer pretend:( Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You have an itch your wife will never, ever be able to scratch. There is only one thing to do here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 people like you make other people stay in the closet just to marry a heterosexual like you Perceptive. You figured out my secret plan to force closeted gay folks to marry us heterosexuals. Because that works out so well for everyone involved... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Perceptive. You figured out my secret plan to force closeted gay folks to marry us heterosexuals. Because that works out so well for everyone involved... Mr. Lucky uintentionally offcourse:) offcourse if you knew the harshness would bring so many closeted people, you wouldnt shot yourself in the foot that way:cool: I dont think you have any secret plans:sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Oh my...your saying that a closet gay/bi guy should marry a woman, then go on to have an affair behind her back with his OM? That's all OK with you? NO! He should at the very least been HONEST with her about his sexuality, BEFORE marriage, let her know he may well fancy a tango or several with another man. She could then make a decision on wether she wants that or not. He knew what he was, he knew that before he married. No one here is angry and judging because the guy is BI...I couldn't give a damn what a persons sexuality is. The issue here is he is CHEATING. That is wrong. He should have had the b***s to tell his wife who he is, she deserves to know don't you think? Keeping her in the dark about WHO he is, he isn't the person she thought she married. He is lying to her, lying to his own child, lying to everyone. But in your eyes, that's all ok....yeah right. His only concern here is for himself...no-one else concerns him, that is in his own words, he wants the happy home, wife to do everything for him, having a child.....and his secret OM. That's NOT a happy home, it's one built on deception, lies, betrayal and manipulation. Get your head out the clouds and see this for what it is, it's a MM having an affair and actually wanting to keep it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 No thats not what Im saying, i say its because of people like you that he is scared of coming out Im afraid:confused: after he would do the "Right" thing and tell the truth i have a feeling you will also tell him how awful he is for Ever hiding or thats its terrible that he didnt do it earlier:o give the poor man a chance and forgive him for doing "wrong" because he was/is scared or in denial, have you ever walked in his shoes? Its very easy to judge other people Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 No thats not what Im saying, i say its because of people like you that he is scared of coming out Im afraid:confused: after he would do the "Right" thing and tell the truth i have a feeling you will also tell him how awful he is for Ever hiding or thats its terrible that he didnt do it earlier:o give the poor man a chance and forgive him for doing "wrong" because he was/is scared or in denial, have you ever walked in his shoes? Its very easy to judge other people Ahhh geez stop with the *poor guy* nonsense. He created the situation. He had plenty of time to tell his then GF what he was, yet he didn't. Why? People like me huh? HAHAHAHA!!! My step brother came out gay, so what? my best mate is bi...so what....My other friend is lesbian...who cares? NOT ME!! YOU are the one judging others. I don't care who or what he is. Fact is fact. he is CHEATING. No other way around it, no fancy dressing it up with excuses like your doing. Stop excusing CHEATING. That is the issue, NOT the fact he is bi/gay. No one cares. Now re-read this.....I don't care what sexuality he is!! I'm not judging him for that, just the fact he sits there thinking he has the right to cheat and betray his wife and child. She deserves to know who she is married to doesn't she? She deserves to be loved exclusively and not have to share right? who knows, she may even allow him to do it. Or is it because poor little MM who is bi feels so trapped in a situation he put himself in? Yeah, bleeding heart and all that. HE did it...no one else...his choice...his alone. He has to deal with it and he knows it can't go on forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Ahhh geez stop with the *poor guy* nonsense. He created the situation. He had plenty of time to tell his then GF what he was, yet he didn't. Why? People like me huh? HAHAHAHA!!! My step brother came out gay, so what? my best mate is bi...so what....My other friend is lesbian...who cares? NOT ME!! YOU are the one judging others. I don't care who or what he is. Fact is fact. he is CHEATING. No other way around it, no fancy dressing it up with excuses like your doing. Stop excusing CHEATING. That is the issue, NOT the fact he is bi/gay. No one cares. Now re-read this.....I don't care what sexuality he is!! I'm not judging him for that, just the fact he sits there thinking he has the right to cheat and betray his wife and child. She deserves to know who she is married to doesn't she? She deserves to be loved exclusively and not have to share right? who knows, she may even allow him to do it. Or is it because poor little MM who is bi feels so trapped in a situation he put himself in? Yeah, bleeding heart and all that. HE did it...no one else...his choice...his alone. He has to deal with it and he knows it can't go on forever. The question is what is the Best Way to get this man to be honest, your approach, or mine, you think Im too sentimental about it i May think your too hard, but we couldnt agree more on the outcome, him being honest:cool: thank you gentleman:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 The question is what is the Best Way to get this man to be honest, your approach, or mine, you think Im too sentimental about it i May think your too hard, but we couldnt agree more on the outcome, him being honest:cool: thank you gentleman:cool: Ahh a post from you without accusing me of being anti bi/gay/lesbian thank you! Yes this guy has to stop thinking of just him, his life and his right to see his OM and still have the wife/child/home. He needs to decide who he wants. It's grossly unfair to both his wife and OM. Sorry Phil_London but you can't have both, it's going to be one or the other. You need to decide soon before your wife either suspects or actually finds out. What will you do then? Someone WILL be hurt here, or even all 4 of you (don't forget your child!) Are you sure OM is happy to be your side bit? he wants more from you, what if he tells the wife? you need to come clean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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